[iblh7]

[talaniman]

How old is the son, how long have you been together and how long has he been divorced?

Some details, and additional info would help greatly

[iblh7]

His son is 12 year old. K has been legally divorced for 3 months. He was separated and fighting to get his divorce for the past 2 years. His ex-wife bought her own house 1 year 1/2 ago.
K has shared custody of their son.

His ex-wife has a drinking problem. She is actually in a rehab center. End of December, the rehab center will decide if she can go back to his house and remain previous the custody schedule. Right now, J is with his father full time.

[talaniman]

How long have you been together?

[iblh7]

We have been together 10 months. We met online. Our relationship evolved extremely fast. He is 49 and I am 46. I am divorced, no children. We share similar interests. Same lifestyle, same vision for the future, where we would like to be.

[talaniman]

The best advice I can offer you is to go slow, and get to know this fellow really well before you give him your heart. I say this because even though his divorce is final, he will still need more than 3 months to resolve his issues with her, and to make adjustments to his situation going forward because, they have a child together that binds him to his ex for life.

More important to you though is finding out if this guy is a long term fit for you, and if he is really ready to pursue a life with you because he has been fighting for his freedom for a long time and may not be ready to give it up and do the family thing as he says he is.

You want this to succeed and I understand that, but don't be in a hurry until he has proved that what he says is what he will do. 10 months of dating, with, or without sex is not an indication that you can communicate well, or work together well. That's what it takes for any relationship to succeed, good honest talking and listening, and a willingness to make adjustments that benefit you both.

That's my advice, be patient, pay attention to see if words and actions match, and give yourself time to find out who he really is and all that takes some time. Rushing to have something that feels good now, and looks good on paper, seldom works out long term, but take your time, and build things right, and the odds work better in your favor, and you won't feel like a replacement babysitter, caught between to warring exes.

I think you maintain your life that makes you happy, and let him chase you a bit, rather than be blinded by love, and just give all you have before you have a better idea of what you're dealing with. You can have fun just dating and getting to know each other for now and see what is revealed to you about him and how he handles what life throws at him.

[iblh7]

Thank you.
I am taking slowly, but it is frustrating to see each other only on the Weekend. I live in NYC, he lives in NJ. I was in the process to buy a house in CT and move there, as I do not like the city life anymore.


I put everything on hold to see how our relationship is evolving. My lease is going to expire in March and would like to be out of either my house or his house by then. If I move to my own house, it will put a strain on our relatiosnhip.

The commute will be difficult. I understand that he needs some time and I am the first one to make sure that he is 150% ready for another relationship. But, what if he is never really ready?

He asked me to move in with him because he does not want me to buy a house in CT or in NY. I am not sure it is the right solution, but in the same time, when we are together it is heaven... except with his son and ex-step daughter.

We talked about buying a house together in the future... But his son is opposed to this idea. His mother told him that if his father buy a house with me, he will have to leave his school and friends!! The son was crying, we stopped looking at houses.

I would like to do the right thing for them, but I need to think of me as well.
Ken does not want to let go of me. I do not want to corner him. I want him to come to me on his own terms and at his own pace.
Not easy to know what to do!

Thank you for helping me, your answer is insightfull.

10 months was enough to know that we are a perfect match physically, emotionally and intellectually. All these 3 domains are important and we get along prefectly. Which is rare for me. I usually find 2 out of the 3!


Except for his family situation: Alcoholic ex-wife, traumatised son, and spoiled ex-step daughter...
That is a heavy bagage to carry!

[talaniman]

All due respect, but putting your life on hold while he deals with his, may not be wise at this time as you have barely scratched the surface of the true nature this relationship will take. Sure its great now, and always is during the honeymoon stages, but things change fast when the honeymoon phase is over and reality hits.

I can bet things were wonderful for you, and your ex when you met, but that didn't work long term either. Neither of you are spring chickens, so be aware that following those intense exciting feelings may feel good, but not lasting, and as you know, life and circumstances change us all in time. Mingling your lives after ONLY 10 MONTHS, SOUNDS AND LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER, BUT I DOUBT SERIOUSLY IT MAKES SENSE, given the issues before you already. I think it takes a lot more than 10 months of week ends to make a life changing decisions, and as you say, you have to look out for yourself, because he has a lot of people to look out for himself.

I do not want to corner him. I want him to come to me on his own terms and at his own pace.

Then do keep doing your thing for yourself, and let him come to you at his own pace.

Whats the hurry? Too much, too fast, crash and burn.