[blive]

Hi.I have starting seeing this guy and so confused.First,I talked to him,even went for a coffee with him a few months back but because I his direct aditude I started dating someone else. It didn't work out and this first guy though being turned down many times is back and we are seeing each other.My problem is he talks and wants sex,seems to be all about this.Now he says this was lacking in his past relationship and its important to him now.My problem is I kind of feel used at times.I really like him,did from the beginning but the sex thing bothered me.I am used to getting to know someone,then moving slowly.He don't do it that way.Is it me or is he only wanting a play mate?

[blive]

I didn't mention I am in my early forties and he is 53

[blive]

He is a nice guy very good looking man, clean,well manured.Calls me hun.I doubt he is dating anyone else as he is with me when he is not working.I just thing if you are interested,would you really put sex first.and he asks,comments,talks sex but we are not doing this.Kissing yes,and the other once recently.

[CinnamonBrownie]

Hi Blive,

Probably the most helpful thing you could do, at least in my opinion, is show him this page. I say that because I'm guessing you haven't quite found a way to tell him all he needs to know about your feelings yet. Is he aware -- and I don't mean just peripherally, like a hint here and there, but undeniably aware -- of your concerns about the pace of the relationship?

You could and should tell him in a tactful way, of course, but please do be sure to have a sit down with him. A good word to use with him is "uncomfortable." As in, you definitely like him, but you feel a "little uncomfortable" with how things are moving, you'd feel "more comfortable" slowing down a bit. You get the idea.

If he can't slow down then you may have your answer -- maybe he is just looking for a playmate, as you said. But then again he could really be totally into you. Having a tactful but direct conversation with him should help you quickly find out!

I hope this helps.

[blive]

I have mentioned that I am uncomfortably with the way he talks,he did say it didn't mean to make me feel that way,but continued.so I try to laugh it off and get to know him while ignoring what I hope is just his way.I invited him over for the night,which was actually his idea.He came,almost immediately wanted to fool around,we did then he shorty after left,after planning to stay the night.I though well if he spends a night surely there is more there,but it didn't happen.Feeling really bad about myself and the situation now. I do not know him well and I am in no hurry for a relationship,but I don't want to be just a bed buddy either.He didn't mention why he changed his mind.Dont know what else to say to him on this.

[CinnamonBrownie]

Hi,

I'm sorry it turned out that way for you. Based on what you said, I think the honest answer is it sounds like he's taking advantage of you. It also sounds like more likely than not he never really intended to stay the night with you. I think you were right to be very suspicious. I have to tell you, if it were me I wouldn't tolerate him any more, as my assumption is he's really just looking for sex.

[Jake2008]

You are allowing him a part of you, to be intimate, in order to get to know him better? I agree with your impressions, that this is as* backwards.

I don't think that you having sex with him, makes him a bad guy. He was upfront, and honest about wanting sex, in a relationship. You accepted this and accommodated him, and now you are wondering if he's using you? I don't think it is 'using' you as much as you accepting the 'terms' of the arrangement.

Is it safe to say that if you said no to sex, that you wouldn't find yourself in the position you are now, which is to question his motives? I'd say his motives are quite clearly defined. If you had held onto your dignity, and defined your OWN terms to dating him, most likely he would have buzzed off and found someone else to agree with his definition of 'a realtionship'.

So you are essentially left with a man that honestly told you, upfront, what he expected. You agreed, and willingly complied. If that's how he starts, I doubt that he's material for any 'getting to know you' first. If you are waiting for him to develop feelings now, that is akin to him robbing the corner store, getting away with the entire days' cash, and then the owner of the store calls the police and says, 'but I thought if I left the safe open he wouldn't rob me, and instead invest in some purchases first".

The only way you are going to know whether he is worth a relationship or not, is to keep the goods locked up, and see if he comes to the store a few times, and get to know whether he's looking for something for nothing.

[blive]

We are not teens though. He insisted has said that's not what he is after,but his actions say otherwise.He knew from the start I was not into that as I told him from the start I did not want to see him if he was only looking for sex.

[blive]

I turned him down many times.He asks to be just friends,I agreed,but his just friends was the same deal. Does a man that age look for just sex? I have put this stuff out to him again today.When I talk to him later I am hoping to resolve this.Thank you

[blive]

This is the answer I got...
Hi Barbara,, well sounds like your unsure again and taking a step back,, that's OK,, yes this week I have been horny, love (there was dirty talk here,that embarrassed me!),, I am sure every week won't be the same,, anyway sounds like you need to thnk about how you feel,, what you want and don't want,and let me know,, I will be back and lok for your message this af

[blive]

He answered nothing?

[Jake2008]

First thing I think is that sending messages to each other is not going to be very helpful in determining anything, even a friendship deserves a face to face meeting.

Yes, men his age can be very horny, and have a higher than expected sex drive.

I would be inclined to ask him over for coffee, or meet up with him somewhere local. Tell him how you feel so that he isn't having to read between the text, and take a stab at what you are trying o say. When you have established that much, think of it as providing him an opportunity to express himself and talk more about a relationship. Assume that much for now- that he has more interst in you than just sexual, and casual. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he merely repeats what he has already told you in the beginning, then you will have no doubt that where he stands. And that is, he is not on the same page as you are, and what you want out of a relationship, is not what he wants.

But, try to express exactly what you want. Only you can tell him honestly what that is. Maybe it was okay the way it was with him for the past few months or so, but you are developing feelings for him, and would like to become more serious. If he runs away screaming, you will have your answer- he is not looking for a serious relationship.

It is better for you, in my opinion, to spell it out, as hard as it is (because you may never hear from him again once he is clear on what you want), and be prepared for the worse situation, in that that may be the end it. Or, you can continue to compromise yourself by accepting less, and by accepting the expectations he has of sex, or, you can say nothing and carry on with him, hoping that he will change in time.

If you were a friend of mine, that is the advice I would give you. No sugar coating, but at the same time I realize that there are emotions involved, and chemistry for you with this man, and it is not my business to tell you what to do. Suggest, yes. Offer possibilities to communicate your needs, yes. Encourage you to be strong and happy, of course.

But, I do think texting leaves too much room to misinterpret words, and emotions, for something that has such importance to you.

[blive]

We meet up daily and message when not meeting up?