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lollipopgirl83 · Jan 6, 2007, 01:26 PM

Please help!!
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I met him in mallorca as I came over to work in the summer, he was my supervisor in the bar I worked. He is spanish and I am now living with him in mallorca.
I love him to bits and I know he loves me but I am so jealous!! Its got to the point where I feel it is eating me up inside, it is taking over my life! I get jealous when a woman comes on the TV, if I see him look at another woman for a split second. I bring up the past constantly and am always talking about exes. I keep remembering times when we were working in the bar when he would flirt with girls (before we were even together) and I will bring these up and it will turn into an argument. I do not have any friends here so am with my boyfrind all the time, it has got to the point where I think he is scared to be with his friends because he knows I will get in a mood. Every time something happens he gets really upset and I know I am pushing him further and further away. I have lied to him and said that I don't understand why I am like this as I have never been like this in previous relationships, this is a lie as my jealousy was the reason me and my ex split up.
I constantly worry that when he looks at other girls he thinks they are more beautiful than me, and I worry about when I am older and lose my looks!
I really can't take it anymore, its taking over my life!
Please can someone help me! I really want this relationship to work and don't want my jealousy to ruin another one!

shygrneyzs · Jan 6, 2007, 01:46 PM

You are a walking hazard. I do not know how old you are, but your emotional maturity is definitely in the pre teen category. To constantly bring up the past, your ex bf's, his flirtations before you two were a couple, is so unhealthy. I am surprised he has not told you to move out so that he can move on with his life.

What actual reasons has he given you to be so jealous? The past is past - the events before you two became a couple are just that - in the past and should not be used as a hammer to beat someone over the head with. Instead that will drive a wedge so big that you will end up wondering where you went wrong.

Healthy relationships can have healthy disagreements and people can have their own interests outside the relationship - for example if you like hiking and he does not or he likes scuba diving and you do not. You can even have different friends and it is all well and good. When you sit there and think up all these so called reasons to pick a fight with him, what is the point of staying with him? What is the point of him staying with you?

You words say a great deal about yuur obsessive personality. You have some serious issues with trust and expectations and figuring out what you yourself have got going on inside your head. Do yourself a huge favor and get yourself straightened out before ruining another person's feelings for you.

With the behavior you describe, it would not be difficult to see you as a stalker. Please get some mental health counseling before you lose more than what you could ever imainge.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2007, 02:19 PM

First off you need a real life with out this fellow. Part of your problem is you have nothing else to do, and no friends to do it with. Give him a break and get something else to do or get some professional help.

Crushed · Jan 6, 2007, 04:00 PM

Okay you really need to chill! You do need a life other than him.. that's the reason why your so obsessed with him.. its because you depend so much on him. Another thing is if he didn't want to be with you then he wouldn't, he's obviously with you for a reason but you need to stop making him doubt this reason and leave you.. Your on a very thin line here - every time your jealous just leave the room or be extra sweet to him to get his attention towards you.. Stop isolating him only for you, because he's going to eventually get fed up and leave - your lucky he's dealing with this take advantage... you have him so love him don't kill him!

JoeCanada76 · Jan 6, 2007, 04:10 PM

Today is very important. Yesterday is already gone. Can not be re lived. Tomorrow can not be worried about because today is the only important day.

Jealousy will eat away at everything you have and you need to let go of it. Or you will never have a long lasting of anything. Love him, but you need to enjoy doing other things yourself. Volunteer or do something else.

I know this question might not be suitable, but I will ask you it anyway, because you are the one that mentioned it. Is your jealousy worse now? Do you think it is because he is spanish? Just a question

Hope you let go, open up and get out and do other things that will keep your mind occupied.

Joe

lollipopgirl83 · Jan 7, 2007, 06:56 AM

Thanks for the responses off everyone, although some were very hard and hurtful to read I know that most of it is true. I do not choose to feel this way.
Shygrneyzs- I am 23 years old, I realise how I must come across in my post but seriously I am not like a stalker! I know I need a life apart from my boyfriends but it is difficult right now as I haven't lived here very long and I do not speak the language, I am a very shy person and find it difficult making new friends even in my own environment so in a completely different and new environment I am finding it really difficult.
I know how stupid my actions are but not until it is too late and I have caused an argument.
In answer to your question Jesushelper76, I think maybe some of the problem IS the fact that he is Spanish. I think it is mainly because I cannot speak the language, I have been trying to learn for a few months now and I get really frustrated! But yeah when he is on the phone to his friends I am always wondering what they are talking about.
Reading everyone's posts today has really opened my eyes and made me realise how stupid I really am. Now I just need to work out how I can stop behaving like this.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 7, 2007, 07:57 AM

The reason why I asked is the my wife's family is spanish and there is a culture difference. It can effect the relationship in my opinion.

Thank you for answering back. Your not being stupid, but you do need to work on how to stop being so jealous. Work out the issues that you believe are causing this and then move on and of course you are already learning.

Joe

talaniman · Jan 7, 2007, 08:18 AM

Learn the language , Hang in there.

K_3 · Jan 7, 2007, 08:46 AM

People who are over the edge jealous have some deep insecurity issues. You have to work on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself and then you will feel loveable. There is always going to be someone more beautiful, smarter, younger, funnier etc than you. Yet, you are more beautiful, smarter, younger, funnier etc than someone else. The point being, he loves you, he finds you just what he wants. He may look at someone pretty, but he loves and wants you. Do you not see men more handsome than him, but you do not "want" them do you? Why, because you love him as a whole package.
If you want this relationship to last, you have to give him space. Treat him as you want him to treat you. You would not want him to nag at you about any of this, would you? Get into an exercise mode until you learn the language. Take a class to learn it, quickly. Be fun, be loving. When you get soooo jealous, you are basically sending him messages that you do not trust him, that you find him lacking in character, and feel he is a dishonerable man. THAT my girl is the beginning of the end of a relationship. Get a grip, take a deep breath, take a run, read a book and allow him to have his friends. Take a yoga class, and most important, learn the language. Good luck, you can do it, just change the patterns in your mind to healthy ones.

lollipopgirl83 · Jan 7, 2007, 10:50 AM

Jesushelper76- yes I agree with you that the culture difference can be a problem sometimes. But with me its mainly because I cannot speak the language so when I am out with my boyfriend and his friends I feel a bit awkward and left out.
K_3- everything you said in your post is exactly right. I know what I need to do its just putting it all into action. Today I feel better because I have read the posts from everyone and have tried really hard to think differently. I know that having these feelings is just going to make me and my boyfriend unhappy and in the end break us up. I really don't want this to happen.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 7, 2007, 11:04 AM

I do not know the language at all and there are times I feel left out of the whole family. I guess, I need to do the same your doing and try to learn the language and surprise the heck out of her family. Then I will be able to understand and also communicate better with them.

Anyway, Your are right on that it has a lot to do with changing the way you think. Change the way you think and you see things in a better light. I know you are going to do well.

Joe

lollipopgirl83 · Jan 7, 2007, 11:09 AM

So your wife is spanish? But lives with you in england? Its hard when I go to my boyfriends parents as they speak NO english at all so we have to communicate through my boyfriend which can be really difficult sometimes! Spanish is apparantely one of the easiest languages to learn. I keep telling myself I will do it eventually I just have to be patient and not expect it all to happen NOW! I´m sure you can do it to Joe. Good luck.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 7, 2007, 11:31 AM

Thank you, and actually it is Canada. That is what I have been told as well, It is one of the easiest languages to learn, Maybe take some courses or try to learn spanish on my own. Good luck to you! Thank you!

K_3 · Jan 7, 2007, 04:04 PM

JUst know how special you are. If you were not he would have not have chosen you. You know he loves you, say it over and over and say I am special. Keep saying it and believe it.

s_cianci · Jan 7, 2007, 07:23 PM

You've got to find a way to deal with the insecurities that lead to these excessive feelings of jealousy. Some professional counseling may be in order. There's a reason why you become so jealous so easily and this has to be addressed head-on ; otherwise your jealousy will just keep ruining all your relationships.

Kristy40 · Jan 10, 2007, 05:00 PM

I was in a similar situation... jealous when my boyfriend would speak to another woman, when a pretty woman came on TV etc... he also was from France so spoke french all the time. You definitely need to occupy your time enhancing YOUR LIFE, stop obsessing over his.

I ended up learning French, starting my own business and coming up with some hobbies to keep me busy. I myself am in a city where I really don't have any friends so unless I'm doing things for myself, I become to occupied in my boyfriend's life which then just turns to jealousy. Good luck, I know what it's like! You can change your life.

lollipopgirl83 · Jan 11, 2007, 03:02 PM

Thanks kristy, I'm trying really hard and I truly hope I can do it!!

Karolina · Jan 11, 2007, 03:19 PM

You should be proud of yourself that you can admit and realize that you behave this way. A lot of women feel like this and they would never admit... good for you. It's not too late in your relationship, just stop behaving like this ASAP. I've been down this road and been dumped. I would have dumped me if you could have seen the way I behaved.

Kristy was right... you can change your life. You said " hope i can do it" well don't hope, YOU WILL. Not sure if that is you in the picture, but if it is you, you are totally gorgeous and you shouldn't worry about a thing. Remember what makes a woman even more gorgeous - confidence. Hang in there.

lollipopgirl83 · Jan 11, 2007, 03:44 PM

Karolina your post was so nice and has made me feel so confident that I can do this! Its amazing but I only signed into this website a few days ago and just from reading the posts I have had I feel so much different, my boyfriend has also noticed a change! Now when I get that horrible jealous feeling I walk into a different room and take some deep breaths until the feeling has gone. Jealousy is such a horrible thing to have and only a week ago I thought there was no way my relationship would work with me being this way, but now I know I can get through this! Yes that is me and my boyfriend in the photo, thanku so much for the compliment!

Karolina · Jan 11, 2007, 03:51 PM

I'm glad you are feeling better and this is a great place as you can see there are many of us that share the same issues. Sometimes it's easier to admit these things in places where no one knows you! Take it day by day and I'm 100% sure women look at you and feel jealous. Unfortunately, it's a never ending cycle with women. Get out there girl and start doing things for you. You'll be amazed at what doors you open for yourself when you focus on yourself. Best of luck, write anytime!