[mmresd]

Entire story merged

I am a 19 year old male and was dating a 36 year old woman less than 3 days ago. I came home expecting to watch a movie, make love to her, and to sleep happy on the bed where we have done such things a number of times. Betraying my expectation I came home to getting broken up with and I am currently confused about several things which I am hoping someone can answer some and ideally all of my questions. First of all I am still in love with her and I am completely sure that she loves me. We have had regular fights about everyday stuff in the past during the relationship and it created a lot of stress on both of us. But I think that we had good communication because we would address any issue no matter how small it was and talk it over till we both were at least partially content about the outcome. And her breaking up with me got me by surprise because it seemed as if things between us were cooling down and getting better.

Today is October 20th, 2010 and she broke up with me on the 18th. I met her through some friends from college around November of last year. She was one of the best friends of the wife of the friend of a friend of mine. We developed a good and stable friendship over time and occasionally started flirting with each other around February when our friendship had become extremely close due to us hanging out with two of our mutual friend on a weekly basis. One day we started getting touchy at the mutual friends' house and that led to her inviting me over her place to watch a movie. The movie led to us sleeping together on the couch that I am currently sitting on and I feel so lost right now because I have NO idea on how to go about what just happened.

She broke up with me saying that she feels as if I have been distracting her from work but does not blame for it since she sees it as a natural way to behave considering that we love each other very much. She also said that she has not been completely efficient at her work place since she partially works at home. Something also mentioned was that although she loves me that she is not sure whether she is in love with me enough to continue with our current emotional distress relationship or to try to make changes to make this work. We both agreed upon the fact that for the last month or so she has been in a mind fog and not been able to think clearly about things and just feels like she wants to be alone and not in a relationship with anyone. Now, she also feels as if she was rushed into living together because she never had a chance to make a decision about it as we both just grew fond of each other in an exponential way and just draw each other closer to the point that we spent most of the day everyday together. I have also disappointed her by checking her phone messages a number of times and feels as if I do not trust her. I tried not to do so after she expressed how she felt about it but due to my great insecurities and personal issues and experiences Ive had in the past I felt the only way to maybe pick up some tips on how she is feeling was to look through her stuff... something that I personally have always known is very wrong to do.

I feel very ashamed as a man for saying this but the night after the break up we both spent time talking and crying together. I felt emotionally overwhelmed and felt like I would soon be having to let go of the most amazing woman other than my mother that Ive had the privilege to have met. In the morning we had very emotional sex and after being asked to go to school and study and get my work done I complied and went to see her after I got out of school as she had requested. We met up with another mutual friends of us and had a good time listening to music at a local university and then sat around for hours on grass playing games and sharing a couple drinks. Then we had a discussion last night. This morning she was still upset about it so I suggested for us to go for a walk together as a way to keep our health up and to use the exercise to relax. When we got back everything was fine, or at least seemed fine, and as she knows that I have an extremely high sex drive she agreed to letting me do things to her after her work is done. She is now gone to work and I am sitting here before taking a shower and going to school wondering what are the possible future scenarios.

I know that if I let her go, although it will be one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do I will be able to accomplish it as I have done in the past and that a year from now I will look back and this and laugh about it as I believe that time heals. The only issue with doing that is that I want her by my side, I want her to want to be with me, and I am willing to change and do anything to get her back. But not only I'm I confused about what the way she is acting means but I also have NO idea what to do to remind her of all the good times that we've had and the future beautiful things that I would love to experience with her with the hope that maybe she will reconsider her decision.

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and even more anyone who responds to some and hopefully all the questions that I have about the situation I am in right now. Thanks to whoever reads this and I hope that whoever it is has some useful information on how to go about this particular situation.

Javi

P.S.: Sorry for making it so long :(

[talaniman]

Its really simple, she dumped you and you have to leave her alone to work on her issues while you get your own emotions under control and accept what she has told you. Doesn't matter why she dumped you or how she feels about anything, just that you give yourself time to let your emotional dust settle, and respect her wishes.

At 19, and 36, I would guess you are both at different places in life, and have different ideas about what you expect from your futures. That's cool, because it was fun while it lasted and she no doubt has other things to do, and wants to do it without you.

Bow out gracefully to her wishes, and leave her alone and do your thing, as not all love connections are meant to grow, and last forever, and for whatever reason, they just fizzle as feelings change. Her feelings changed, and she was ready to go. Happens to us all eventually, and more than a few times in our life.

Its only been a few days so it takes some getting use to for the habits, attachments and feelings settle down from the break up that she wants, but you don't sinks in. Your hurt is fresh, but the shock will wear off soon. Understanding will come, and you will move on, as you have before.

I hope I answered your questions, and gave you some insights into the reality of your situation.

[joypulv]

Two practical matters strike me: the economy is still pretty bad and she can't afford to get distracted from work. Having to hustle you out the door to school has a sort of mother-son feel to it too.
Second, she is 36! A WOMAN who is 36. You can't possibly understand what that means unless you are female. You have been fun, sexy, and loving. But that pales when the future looms in her life, which I'll bet has loomed. That's why she broke up with you, and it's just too hard to explain, and you would just protest that none of it matters to you. But it matters to her.

[Jake2008]

I don't see that the relationship has broken up at all. Just a day ago, the two of you were back in the sack. It sounds more like she has modified the relationship, to suit her needs. What those needs are only she can say. But, after reading your story (which was very well written in my opinion), it seems as though she wants to distance you enough to avoid the stressful difficulties, but close enough to have intimacy with you, when she chooses to. That, to me, seems like her needs are being met, and the expense of yours.

While you are still ready and willing to maintain and work on the relationship, she has become distant from that goal, and not likley to work on the same path as you.

While your needs are not being met, and you are left floundering with mixed messages (she's in, she's out, she doesn't know what she wants), her needs are being met. She has not actually severed the relationship, and keeps you hanging. Why is anybody's guess.

The focus I have here, is you. It is you that is seeking help in understanding what is happening, and what to do.

My advice is as Tal suggested, and bow out gracefully, but, close that chapter of your life, and don't open it up again. While, as I said, her needs are still being met with a modified version of a relationship, your needs for exclusivity and commitment, no longer exist with her.

I would address the age difference, normally, but I see a very mature 19 year old man here, not a teenage girlfriend angst problem. I believe by the way you have written about your life, and how you can so maturely describe the problems you are having, comes across more mature than many men twice your age.

In so saying, I also believe that you have the maturity and foresight to know that this relationship is over, and it will be you that will have to physically remove yourself from it.

And you are right, that in a year from now, you will most likely have another relationship that is far more compatible, for all the right reasons, than what you have now.

All the best to you.

[joypulv]

You can be the most mature 19 year old on earth. It doesn't change the fact that most women in their mid thirties are at the crossroads of motherhood, career, and life partner. Motherhood being the biggie.
Plus you admit to snooping. I have to say I've done it too, when I felt insecure. People do it even when all is well. But it can drive someone away.
Good luck. I took the practical side because talaniman covered the emotional side so well. Doesn't mean I am purely practical.

[answerme_tender]

Well she is an independent 36yro woman. She sounds like she is establish with her career.
We have all heard that men usually have a higher sexual drive when they are younger then woman. And woman usually hit this little later, oh lets say maybe around 36yrs or so!
She may like you,but only wants to have her needs met that's it. She wants a sexual relationship with no emotional ties period. She is probably regretting having you move in because she has do deal with this as a relationship. She just can't put battieries in you and push a button. She has to interact on a higher level that involves more then she ever planned to give.
Move on and find a woman that is wants a real relationship, not just sex. Good luck

[mmresd]

Thank you all for your thoughts... it was as I expected... reassuring my initial fears :( . Just one question... is it wrong for me to keep a sexual relationship with her. Wrong as in will it keep me from moving forward in life and making me drag my feet or is it possible for me to able to still keep a sexual relationship and maybe even form a friendship with her, because if there is one thing that I will miss the most is how our relationship began over all, which was as friends. And that is because I value her in different ways not just one.

[talaniman]

A friendship formed and built on sex? You mean friends with benefits? I suppose, but that would be awkward if you don't get sex when you want it, or she gets a boyfriend and doesn't have time for you, or worse, she needs a booty call, and you have to lie to YOUR new girlfriend. Complicated, and leads to lies, deceit, distraction, and a bunch of other stuff that leads to misery pain, drama, and BS!!

But as you know from other relationships, we don't always think well after getting dumped, and put out. But I understand the kind of thinking that shock over being dumped suddenly can do to the brain, and the heart. Naw, give this some good old fashion time to regroup your thoughts.

[Jake2008]

There are some positives to a friends with benefits relationship. Millions will disagree, but it is my opinion that just as family dynamics have changed, so too have relationships. That you both have a physical, sexual attraction based on truth, is far better to me, than having a fake relationship based on untruths, just to maintain the sex.

In other words, if you both agree to boundaries, and can honestly stay within them, and maintain a friendship, why not. I presume that at some point one or the other of you will meet someone that you wish to develop a deeper relationship with, and the friends with benefits, will drop to friends. You have a great deal of respect and trust in this woman, and I presume that she has the same toward you.

If you stay friends because of the sex and friendship, what is the difference between that, and having obligatory sex without meaning, because you want to maintain a marriage obligation. Or, what of unhappy couples who stay together because of the kids, and sex is meaningless, empty, and a chore.

If sex only under certain morally acceptable social norms were the rule, why are there so many exeptions. Affairs are rampant!

And can a couple entering into such a relationship as you are suggesting be happy, satisfied with the friendship, and willing to be able to let go when the time comes? I think so, and why? Because it is honest. Up front, agreed upon, no sugar coating, and no b.s.

So, the most important decision to make is, can you go from a committed relationship, to a non committed relationship, but maintain a strong enough friendship that sex is added to it, without harmful consequences.

Only you, and your partner can answer that.

[answerme_tender]

I agree with Jake's post. I would also keep in mind when considering this with this woman, that you are already emotionally connected with her. Are you already having a very difficult time knowing she wants to end the relationship. Unlike before you are fully aware that this time it is just a physical friendship, NO more. Are you going to be able to just walk away with out going through another emotional heart break.
She will still be looking for the right man for her to have a full relationship with even while she is having a fling with you.
If you can accept this for what it is and walk away when its time with no emotional scares, then go for it.

[mmresd]

A couple thoughts from the newly posted comments... 1. For starters, I think the emotional detachment and emotional scarring and pain are going to happen regardless of what I do next. 2. I was wanting to know, is it possible for me to shift our relationship from emotional to sexual? And if it is, how is it that I should go on about achieving it?

And yeah I have always been truthful to her and plan that if an only-sexual relationship can be achieved while maintaining the friendship is possible I would have a conversation on where I stand and on what she thinks of the idea.

[talaniman]

Talking to her, and seeing if she will go along with your idea, is a risk you have to be willing to take.

She may go along, she may have her own ideas, or she may bite your head off, and kick the rest of your azz out the door, and out of her life forever. Its really up to her.

Talaniman Rule-If you can't handle the consequences, don't do the action.

I would think about, and weigh my options very carefully, before asking a female to be my booty call. Or being a friend with benefits. I know its an attractive temptation for you now, but give your head and emotions some time before you make a decision, or act, on feelings that may fade, or have poor risk/rewards to them.

I mean, do you honestly think she likes you enough to keep having sex with a guy she kicked out, and dumped?? Think, my friend, had that been her intentions or desires, wouldn't you think that is what she would have said?? Trust me, she already knows you would have been very willing to go along with it.

My guess, that's not what she wants and if you try that tactic to stay close to her, she will bite your head off. That's just my honest opinion, but the DECISION is YOURS to make. I suggest you think with the big head, and NOT the small one.

[jmw0713]

I just went through something similar. Big age gap (I'm 28, she was 41)... Basically just a fling for a few weeks that ended last night. During the brief period we were seeing each other, we had a great time. We got along very well and shared a ton of laughs. It was fun! When it ended, it all boiled down to being in different places in life. She wanted to settle down with someone more her age. I wanted to continue to have fun (both as friends and lovers), but we both knew in the long run it would never work. I still had way more to experience (kids, marriage, whatever else), all of which she already had and didn't want. She was at a point where she needed to find someone she could spend the rest of her life with. I didn't fit the bill. This sounds like the basic premise of what happened in your situation, only your relationship lasted a lot longer.

It was hard for me to realize all of this at first. She was very honest and upfront about everything. I respected that and understand why she had to do this. Still that doesn't mean it didn't hurt a little when she said we could only be friends from now on... for obvious reasons (both physical and the emotional boost). I will never forget the intimacy we shared.
I've learned things from this experience:

1. Not to limit the age of women I date (to a point... )
2. The difference between a young woman and a mature/older woman
3. Further my experience coping with different situations
4. There are many more things I can improve and learn

Overall, I feel like I became a better man from this. Hopefully, gained the same from your relationship.

I guess my point is, you are both in different points in life and you both have a lot more to experience that neither of you can fulfill for each other. Take this situation for what its worth, learn and move on. Take time and separate yourself from the emotional (and physical) aspect of this. After sometime, look back and see if you can be friends with this woman. Don't force it, but if you can be friends, great! If you can't move on and meet someone else.

You should feel special. You're emotionally mature enough to for a lasting relationship with a woman who is much older and much more mature that other women your age.

[mmresd]

Thanks again for answering my questions... I guess some of the things that I fear the most include but are not limited to:

1. Finding someone better than her (because right now I do not think is possible, even though I know that my mind will see things differently in a time as short as a few months).

2. I gave up talking to a lot of other women when I went exclusive with my recent ex and I am an abnormally sexually active guy.

3. Living with my parents again would be very destroying to me and since I have spent a lot lately I am not sure if I could get a place of my own just yet.

4. Considering that I am a natural Gemini and a social butterfly feeling lonely is something that I cannot stand for.

5. Lately I haven't been able to focus on my school work and I am not sure how long it will take for me to able to do so if I completely detach myself from my ex.

I am unsure as to what to do next, I mean I know the things that I'm going to HAVE to do such as letting her go and learning how to start looking for someone else, but I feel as if my feet do not know where to step next.

[mmresd]

Oh and a quick question... her ex-husband, who is also her business partner and lives in Africa... is coming into town for about 17 days or so and I was wondering (please keep in mind when answering this that she has had no sexual contact and purely friend, brotherly, and business contact since they got divorced over 2 years ago) if him coming here has anything at all to do with my current situation.

[answerme_tender]

Swallowing your pride and having to ask to move back in with your parents seems better then losing it totally by institing living with a woman who has told you its over.
You need to concentrate on your studies, so you can secure your future career. Your parents will understand that.
You will find someone just as wonderful as this woman, well once you get other this one and take the chance to start looking.

[mmresd]

I am currently having a sexual relationship with an ex girlfriend of mine... this is the post when I was completely devastated:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-just-broke-up-me-really-weird-situation-big-age-difference-518482.html

Now, the sex is great, both parties agree, but she keeps saying that she doesn't want to keep having a sexual relationship, at the same time I keep seducing her into bed, during the relationship I was very jealous, and now I seem to have a more objective mind over the matter. I don't particularly want to get back with her, but it would suck to let her sexual abilities go to waste, which is mainly why I am still hanging out with this particular ex girlfriend. She keep saying she wants to be friends but a few emotional escalations and she loses control and lets me do whatever I please. I don't know if what I am doing is wrong, but because I have more experience than her (even though she is 17.5 years older than me) I feel like maybe I am taking advantage of her with her consent. It doesn't make any sense which is why I am even having this issue. Can anyone recommend me what to do, she acts completely distant until I start making my moves, and a little convincing is always needed, but after all the deliberation she more than happily sleeps with me.

What are my options here and what do you guys think would be the best way to go about this?

Thanks in advance,

Javi

[tickle]

I say cut her free and let her get on with her life if you have no intentions of being a decent human being. You asked, I gave.

What exactly, in your personal estimation, gives you the right to use her this way when you know she has no control over the sexual situations you put her in??

Tick

[mmresd]

Tick, it is her who agrees on me going over there, several nights in a row, and I can tell during the night there is a turn in her very resistant state of mind, where it goes from "I am not going to have sex with him tonight" to "why not?" and when I notice a little sudden change, I rush. Now, I believe she still loves me, and it perhaps might be inhumane to use her feelings against her, but is it really wrong when we are both getting something out of it? I still have feeling for her, so please don't think that I look at her as a piece of meat, because that is simply not the case. I still miss her a lot, and I still love her, but letting her go is a harder task that I had anticipated, because I have seem to make it OK for me to keep her at least physically there, because I can't have her emotionally.

Javi

[tickle]

Why can't you have her emotionally ? Is that what you think of your feelings for her, or is that her feelings for you ?

You have put yourself in a catch 22, mm. You know that don't you ?

Tick