[serenemeadow]

Firstly I think the background story should be known. We are both 18 now and we started dating 2 1/2 years ago and it was great. It felt like I met my soulmate, I got along well with her family, I could stop by and they would be really friendly to me. We talked about everything, the deep stuff about life, the shallow things, basically everything. We even talked about things we couldn't share with our parents or best friends. I was so happy during the honeymoon stage I couldn't believe I got so lucky.

This was 2 years of happy dating, of course there were the occasional fights and misunderstandings, but we always made up. No biggie there. We got through the dull stage of the relationship and we learned how to love each other deeply. We developed a partnership of undying friendship and love. We were best friends that fulfilled each other. But the romance wasn't as strong as the honeymoon stage, and this issue was addressed, but that's how it goes right? Things WILL eventually slow down, there is no stopping that, so the only way is to maintain it after this starts to happen.

She left for university a few months ago. This university is halfway across the world, 6 hour time difference. I'm only going to leave for university next year. Our final moments together in each other's arms was sad, we talked about how we could continue seeing each other if the gap in distance never existed. She occasionally asked about how we would make a great couple if we could at least stay in the same city of country. Nevertheless, we tried long distance for a couple of months. It was definitely a new experience and was hard. I had my trust issues and the time difference made it difficult to communicate. We started doing things less, we stopped watching the same shows, and even stopped playing this online game we played together. She made new friends and we just started talking less overall.

One day I decided that I would something to make her miss me. I purposely acted cold, not replying to messages sometimes, and if I did, replied with cold messages. This went on for a couple of weeks, and then when I started to open up to her again. She dumped me. Said that the spark wasn't there, and we were just comfortable and it wasn't enough. We have no plan to live together or near each other in the future, because its unrealistic for people as young as we are. She is coming back in December and we even made a couple of plans of what we do. What hurts the most is that I can't look forward to December anymore, and it was really the main thing I was looking forward to since she left.

It feels unfair that she even bothered making plans, telling me what we could do, then saying its not going to happen. It hurts and now I feel like crying but I can't cause I'm in school now. I talk to friends about it and I feel better, but the pain is never gone.

I said I would try my best to make the relationship work again, I apologized for being cold. I still love her so much and I told her that. She just doesn't see me as boyfriend-material anymore. But I'm still hung up, hanging on to her every word. Obsessed. But I'm willing to give her space, to make her not feel suffocated. I just want to be her boyfriend, the person she can talk to about the universe, her philosophies, deep feelings. I'm willing to do anything to win back her love.

Right now we are still talking, I can't help it, but she says we can be best friends. But I'm still hurting, she no longer says my pet name, or adds hearts or whatever in chatting. Its really hard for me now, its as if half of my soul was ripped out. I can't do this alone. I could only say this all as an anonymous person, as I am a shy person. I don't have many close friends.

What should I do now? Should I stop talking altogether? It feels like I'm losing the bestest friend ever. But if I keep talking to her, the pain won't go away.

[Just Looking]

I know how difficult this is for you. I dated my first boyfriend for three years in high school, until we went away to colleges in different states. It might have been a little easier for me because we agreed beforehand that we would not do the long distance thing. There were not the expectations that you had, but it still hurt and I still missed him. He was my best friend, too.

Are you still in high school or taking a year off before college? Are you keeping busy?

It would be best to go no contact and allow yourself to heal. Read the stickies to understand this better. Staying friends will give you false hope and inhibit the healing process.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-510423.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html

(About what to do now, how to feel better) https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

This breakup is going to hurt for a while, but there are also a lot of positives. You guys had a good relationship. You didn't lose your trust in girls, and you learned a lot about developing and maintaining a good relationship. You worked together and communicated. Don't blame either of you for the fact you couldn't continue while long distance. That's a very difficult thing to do, and even harder given your ages, the great distance, and because she is entering a whole new stage in her life. You'll understand that even better when you start college next year. So, while you are hurting and healing, you can also be thankful for what you had.

People have different ideas about the whole issue of soulmates. I've always felt that there are many possible soulmates and you just have to be fortunate enough to meet them. Once you do, if the time is right, you work to develop your relationship to the fullest. In your case, the time wasn't right for this one. You both are just starting your journey into becoming adults and you have a lot to accomplish and learn. Focus on that journey. Get your education. Decide what to do with your life. Enjoy good relationships with friends and family along the way. Discover more about yourself. When the time is right, you will fall in love again. Everything you learned in the last 2 1/2 years will make you a better and stronger partner. Someday you will look back on this all and feel better.

[ironhide262]

You need to maintain the space between you and your ex so you can heal . Trying to be friends is a bit too soon right now... you still love her and you need to get yourself in a position where you are comfortable just being a friend. I would suggest going no contact for a while to achieve this. She may not understand but, it's just something you have to do to get over your feelings for her. You are no longer her boyfriend in her eyes. Tough pill to swallow I know.

December is going to be tough if she is going to be around. Keep this in mind... what happens after December? She will be gone again, then what? You will be getting a lot of mixed signals and reading so much on everything she says... your emotions will be running high. Don't' get sucked up into thinking there is something there, that there is some sort of hope to getting back together again. You will just fall harder when she casually acts like you are just friends. Don't even think about jumping in the sack with her. You will be in 10 times more pain when you finally realize that sex doesn't imply hope! If I was you I would keep my distance, act polite if you are talking with her and if it's too much make an excuse that you have to leave.

Both of you are in a time where you are making some important steps in your lives. You are both preparing yourself for university and the eventual careers that will follow. Big plans, big steps. I think your breakup has more to do with that than the silly manipulation tactic that you pulled to try to get her attention. Which means that ultimately you were both headed in different directions anyway... probably not something you saw coming. You need to let her go.. not just for your own good but for hers as well. Just be happy that you had an amazing first love( as painful as it may be now)... they are always the toughest to let go.

Focus on yourself, your future. Trust me,there will be other girls in your life my friend. Get out there, meet some people, get some friends and build some confidence. You will soon realize that having a good group of friends is invaluble when you run on tough times.

I suggest that you read the stickes at the top of the relationship page if you haven't already done so. It's going to be tough but, in time you will see it as a learning experience.

[serenemeadow]

Thank you guys for the answers. It really helped me feel see the situation from an objective view. I know that I should start this NC thing, but I can't seem to muster the courage to do it. I told her that I still wanted to keep talking, so we haven't stopped contact for three days. But now that its got to end, I got to tell her properly right? Just so I won't come off as a jerk.

This is so hard, but I do know deep down that I have to do this. There are demons fighting inside me trying to get control. One is telling me to NC, the other to keep the contact going JUUST a little more, another to miserably attempt to get back together, and another to just keep contact ongoing until it stops naturally.

Yes I'm indecisive, and hurt at the same time, so things aren't going well there.

[serenemeadow]

I just went through her Facebook profile and pictures one last time before deleting her. I even looked at sweet old emails that make me happy. I couldn't bring myself to delete them so I just left them there, determined never to open them again.

Then I just just got major nosebleed, I've never had nosebleed in my life so this is so weird. Could it be the result of the emotions I'm feeling looking at her profile and emails for one last time? I did feel like I was doing the right thing, and I really needed to see her one last time. It was bittersweet in a way, even if the bitter totally overpowered the sweet.

[serenemeadow]

I did it omg. I just did it. I removed all realistic possibilities of contacting each other. It hurt so much. Feels like I can't go on. It hasn't sunk in for me yet though. Wow. Kudos to those that made it through this type of situation!

[grizz406]

I know exactly how your feeling bro. I just got done taking down all the little things that were so special that she had given me and our pictures together and I just placed them in a bag and put them aside in my room with the thought that I would be putting them up again. I too just broke with my love after 2 1/2 years. I think everyone's relationships have a certain level of strength and I can relate to what your saying and how strongly you felt for this girl. The pain is so real man it kills I'm becoming very depressed and lonely and just feeling completley isolated. We told each other we loved each other before she got out of my car and that she wants to be my best friend still but wants NC for a while. Im so confused and just feel like a ghost. I developed excellent relationships with her entire family and they liked me a lot. Im not sure what else to say but we need to get through this somehow and realize that it may be possible to find someone else that we will feel the same connection with. Hang in there man, we can get through this nightmare.

[88sunflower]

You will be fine. The first love is always hard to let go. Any love is hard to let go. I would suggest come December with her home you stay NC no matter how hard that may be. It will only bring on more heartache if you don't.

Hang out with your friends more. Heck why not even work more hours. That can't hurt either. More holiday money and less thinking time. Don't pine over her. Life has taken a turn and as much as it stinks right now the only way you can go is up. I am willing to bet when you start your university your new experience will make her memory, just that, a memory.

Be thankful it ended on positive terms. Be thankful you can learn and grow from it. One day you will be thankful you were able to move on. We have all done it.

[serenemeadow]

It really sucks that my part time job was working for her mom at her house (they own a business and she works from home). I quit of course, now I'm less busy. It's a real shame that I can't work there anymore, but its just too painful.

I bet you guys already know what first comes to my mind when I wake up. Its such a powerful flood of grief, I can't even believe how I can still stand up. Its going to be my first day of NC today, and yes I have read the stickies. And they do help a ton. But I also need to put these thoughts somewhere other than my mind. We had our final talk last night, I told her I was going to cut her off completely, she cried but took it well.

Its hard for me cause it takes me 2 hours to go to and from school. 2 hours I can't sleep cause of grief. Sometimes I contemplate suicide, the pain is too intense. Only a few hours into day 1 of NC and I'm already buckling over in despair. I'm sorry if I'm not strong, I never was a strong emotional person. I have a history of clinical depression and I think its back. This really wasn't what I imagined as a peaceful breakup. How could she? I was there for most of her high school life. I stood by her as she crammed for exams. I never discouraged her from leaving the country and that it would ruin us. I never pressured her into thinking about us in the future. I congratulated her when she got accepted into her dream university, she was so happy and I was happy as well, but not exactly thrilled if you know what I mean. I held her up when she needed it. I acted as her pillow when things were going rough for her. I gave up most of my life to her.

She always gave me hope that we could beat the odds, that our love could break the distance. But she just gave up. I know, maybe its not meant to be, but I am selfish.

I was there for her. And I am still willing to be there for her NOW. But she isn't. Its just killing me.
I was foolish to center my life around her. I lost friends and other important things because I was addicted. Now I'm left with hardly anything. The only person I can talk to about it is the same person that shattered my heart. It feels like I'm lost. No motivation. I can't work, do any of my hobbies. Just mindlessly wait for the hours to go by all the while enduring the poison in my heart.

And here I am seeking attention. Sigh

[serenemeadow]

Yeah I was treated well by the family. I would be included in their family dinners out and even invited to holidays abroad. Its crazy I honestly can't see how its possible to have a connection like that again.
We had our years with them bro. Peace.

[ironhide262]

Hang in there buddy. We all know exactly what you are going through. This is tuff, very tough and you may not know it yet but you will come out of this a much stronger person for it.

DO take time to look at your relationship objectively... in the coming weeks and months you will come to some revelations about yourself and your ex... things that you would not have picked up while in the relationship because you were too into each other. This will give you some valuable perspective and you will be in a better position when going into your next relationship. You will find love again, trust me.

DO NOT dwell on the past- I know , easier said than done... especially when you wake up with her in your thoughts. You will eventually think about her less and less... it takes time and all you can do is just ride it out. Healing takes time... go through whatever emotions you have to but keep you head up high... don't let this experience beat you down... up is the only way to go.

DO go to the gym or workout how ever you can. Work out hard... take all your frustrations, negative emotions and channel them into your workout and I mean until the point where you are physically exhausted. This is probably one of the best thigs you can do for your depression . You mentioned you having thoughts about suicide... I suggest you explore those thoughts with a licenced councilor... nip these negative thoughts in the bud!

DO NOT blame yourself. Remember to tell yourself that you are a good person. This was really no ones fault. You are hurting and your ex is hurting as well. Just like everyone should stop , put their love feelings aside during a relationship and look at it objectively, you should also take time to stop, put all these feeling you are going through now during the breakup and look at it in a objective, even practical way.

You have two choices right now. You can wallow around in your misery( which you are entitled to do for a little while) wishing for something that is just not there anymore or you can make the small steps right now to making yourself better, making your life great. It all comes down to a choice... you are responsible for you own happines. You put all your faith and happiness in this girl but now you see that people change or situations happen that turns your world upside down. Now you are slowly realizing that she was all you really had, hence you are lonely and wondering what to do with yourself .Focus on how you can change that for the future.

[serenemeadow]

Its my second day of NC today and I think I'm doing an OK job. Yesterday though she sent me an email giving me advice on a problem. I don't know what to think of it. It confuses me, giving me hope and at the same time making me sad. Should I respond to it? She even added at the end that she's looking forward to the time we can be real friends in the future.

The last thing I said to her before NC was that I loved her one last time. I am doing the right thing right? It feels like the ball is in my court now.
I find myself looking at my email at every chance I have. I reread her email a couple of times over time. I just can't help over-analyze.

Even when she does contact me, replying is wrong for me to do right?

[serenemeadow]

Thanks for your insight, it helped

[ironhide262]

I hope your ex understands what NC is all about... hopefully you explained to her that No Contact literally means no contact. Strangly more often it seems that the person that wanted out of the relationship has more tough time understanding the process than the one that wanted to keep going with the relationship( I know my ex did). Tell her that the only way you can eventually become friends with her is if she can give you time to yourself to heal... and that means no contact. By the way , most people simply get rid of any chance for their ex to contact them by blocking or deleting any e-mail, IM , addresses, phone numbers, etc..

Your ex is simply going to have to solve her problems without you... plus, you have your own life to think about. She wanted out, you split up so,no, you can't just be their for her... that's what boyfriends ( friends) do... isn't it? She wants her cake and eat it too! All these e-mails will just confuse the heck out of you, give you false hope and put you back to square one. Give it a few days and then e-mailer her back and tell her that you have a lot going on and just need to think about yourself right now. Don't be rude about it or anything. She may have been under the inpression that all of a sudden you are buddy-buddy with her but, really that is not the case... believe me, she is not doing you any favours for you right now. Kind of reminds me of my ex and our last talk before I went NC... she asked me if there was anything she could do to help me get over her-- I laughed( the first time in weeks)... I said, yes, there is... tell me," I love and I want you back, I want to work on us and I want us to be happy"... she looked at me long and hard, shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. I said goodbye after that and haven't talked to her since. I know that one day I will see her, or talk to her and perhaps we will be friends but, I don't even concern myself with that anymore... I have my own path to follow and so do you.

These initial few weeks and months will be the hardest. You will have good days and bad ones but, as long as you are generally moving in a posative direction then that's progress. It's all about getting to a place where you are finally healed and happy and in order to do that you need to be selfish... think, what is better for me right now.

[88sunflower]

Ironhide is giving you amazing advice. Listen to what he is saying and take it all in. I can't possibly say anything more that he hasn't already covered. Good job ironhide.

Just do remember it doesn't matter why she is calling you. No matter what the reason is stay NC. Every reason she pulls out of her hat to contact you is just giving you one more day to want to hang on. Avoid all contact. Your now moving forward. Don't let her pull you back.

[SweetDee]

You start your letter with how you feel like your relationship has "run it's course"... but you end it by saying you'll do anything to get her back. Doesn't that tell you something? It tells me that once you couldn't have her you wanting NOTHING ELSE. Like so many kids (AND adults) feel. "once it's gone..." kind of thing...

You had a fabulous first love. How lucky for you! I promise you it won't be your last. The fact that you were able to enjoy and open up like that with a girl shows that you have it in you... and it will come again with the next lucky girl! You're really really good boyfriend material mister... any girl would be lucky to have a boy that can commit like that.

I think you have to start being selfish. I really feel like you needa distance yourself because you're the one getting hurt. You're feeling like you can't let go now that she's moved on, but you also CHOSE to break up... you both did. It WAS the right thing to do. Stick with your original decision... I mean, you both made it for a reason.

You'll make it through this... you just HAVE TO GET BUSY. It's time to connect with friends and get on board with going out and meeting people. Even if you're not ready for a new girlfriend you still need to be open to meeting people and getting involved. You need activity... to make you too busy to think of her. Also you can accept the fact that you ended a deep relationship and it's going to take time to move forward... as long as you are making motion toward changing your sadness into something worthwhile and uplifting.

She's moving on... THAT ALONE should motivate YOU to do the same... life goes on. You can do this.. just CHOOSE it. You'll survive I promise. We all go through this. It sucks for everyone! Not just you. It like a badge of honour/maturity that you survive when you move past this. It's really feels like you've grown up once you're through the hell of it... it WILL grow you up, (I'm not saying you're immature), it just morphs you to a higher state of mind. It's like you'll feel if you can survive THAT you can survive anything!!

You definitely are NOT selfish! You gave her all that you are... and that does not spell being a selfish person. She gave you up because she's young... and she's a million miles away. You have to understand that you are both young and in different places in your life right now. Maybe it will change in the future but maybe it won't. You have to moveeeee onnnnnn! You deserve to be selfish and move on. You, by the way, were SELF-LESS... and gave till it hurt. Maybe that's not healthy for a sensitive person like yourself.

Follow her lead... she knows it's time to move on. She's moving on. It doesn't belittle the love that you two shared, if she moves on with her life. She just has a life and she's living it... please do the same! You have a life so please live your life. If you can't go back to your old hobbies FIND NEW ONES. Don't let anything or anybody take this much control of your life! BE SELFISH!!

You're a winner of a boyfriend... cus you love from a place so deep and romantic that it feels like it hurts. How awesome and lovely is it to have such a romantic man in one's life. Give that to another deserving girl who will coddle it and nurture it. Let another female have this kind of romance. Once you do you will see that you are a romantic and that's OK... and look how many lovely women there are out there in this world that you can fall in love with, (of course not all at once... one at a time I hope haha). Instead of coming down so hard on who you are.. how about accepting it and coralling it toward a girl who will appreciate it. <3 hmmm? <3 :)

[mmresd]

Hey serenemeadow, let me start by saying that long distance relationships are HARD. But something that one must learn through experience, and now that you have it, appreciate it. If you love/loved her be thankful for the things that you and her shared together, all the memories and experiences that were cherished between the both of you simultaneously. You are in pain now, first relationship, first long term relationship, and the first time you have fallen in love. Yes, it will be difficult, but the only thing that will be able to mend your broken heart is TIME. Sorry to say it, and I know that you think I am being corny and that you have heard it a million times. But, until you get to experience it, you will never appreciate time as the best healing thing for heart break. And after time heals you, you will meet someone else, someone better (and I know to you right now this concept is impossible to grasp, because to you she is the most perfect, gorgeous, and "insert every positive adjective in the world here", but that WILL change). Things will get easier, you WILL get over her, accept that what you had was beautiful and take it with you on your next adventures, because what you will learn from this is priceless, experience is priceless and this is one of those. So, cherish it like it is meant to be cherished, thank her for the opportunity to be able to experience what you did and move on to your next big thing. Next time, do not based your world around your girlfriend, because if you do you will be lost, like for example, her coming back in Dec. should have never been the ONLY thing you have to look forward, fill your life with other interests so that you have something to distract your mind on next time this happens. So move on, and if it is meant to be, she will come back without you doing anything, don't even think about it anymore, and as time passed not thinking about it will be coming easier, as for now you are going to have to keep yourself busy until your brain decides to not longer follow this "drug" that it is "addicted" to. Smile when you go outside and soon enough, before you know it, you will be back on your feet again, being happy by yourself, and then and only then, shall you attract someone that will intensify your happiness. Your happiness is yours and only yours, learn how to be happy on your own before you try to make someone else happy or you will not be able to do so. So, remember what it was like before her, and remember how happy you were and achieve that level again. Because only afterwards will you be able to find someone who can share and maybe increase that amount of happiness, but it should NOT be based on them.

Good Luck,

Javi

[serenemeadow]

Just an update. I'd like to thank everyone who posted their advice, it really helped me get back up on my feet. Its almost been a week of full NC and I've started feeling better. Looking back at the relationship I can see that it was slowly coming to an end. I realized that she gave up on me months beforehand, and only waited long enough until she wouldn't feel any pain herself if we broke up.

Now I find myself wanting to know how she's doing now. The thought of her with another guy is heartbreaking, even if we aren't together anymore. I really want to forget her and stop this stupid feeling of jealousy. I want to be free. I've already blocked all methods of communication, but there are times when I just feel like contacting her. I don't know what to expect, but I have a prediction that it'll hurt like hell.

I am grateful for what we had, and I've accepted that we are no longer a couple. But there is still this sense of possessiveness that really bothers me. I'm hoping it gets better in time. I'm really looking forward to the day when I can be happy by myself, and not have even have a single stint of pain when I think of her.

[Just Looking]

What you are feeling is not unusual, and your instinct that it will only hurt more if you contact her is right. Try reading this to give you some ideas.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-510425.html

You do sound much better, and it's been less than a week. Just keep taking it day by day, and you'll keep feeling more relief. You'll have ups and downs, but as you are already understanding it will get better and eventually it won't hurt. Focus on the good parts of your life. Focus on school, and going to college next year. Focus on what you want in life, and make it happen. Good luck.

[88sunflower]

You sound like your in the right direction. Good job. It's a great start.

If your thinking of the guy she might be with one day why not sit and think of the girl you may have yourself down the road? Its not about her moving on and how she is doing. She will be fine. She will move on. So will you. Just focus on yourself. You will find a new girl. You will give yourself to her and be happy again. Its part of the cycle. I don't suggest you trying to find out how she is doing. It could just open up areas that you are starting to close. Leave it be. You need to be strong for December. You need to continue down your road to recovery and you sound like your already doing OK with that. Its no longer about her. She made it clear she is living her life. Now its about you. All you. Just worry about your life and choices and how your doing.