[Copperhead6]

Hey guys, well I'm pretty new to this. But I've been reading and thought I would get your guys advice. My girlfriend of nine months started acting a little distant towards me about 2 weeks before we broke up at the first of December. Everything was going smooth for the first nine months, a perfectly loving relationship with minor incidences and then around mid November she starts having medical problems and has to have minor surgery. During this time I thought she would want to be closer to me, well she goes the complete opposite direction and tells me she wants to take a break. I absolutely lose it, get into an argument with her and break up with her. Even though I am the one that still loves her and she is the one that is pushing me away. Well the surgery comes and goes, she goes home for christmas break which is 5 hours away and now I have spent the last month trying to get her back on the phone. She shoots me down every time. She says the only way she could see us getting back together would be if we completely did our own thing for awhile and then got back together down the road. She says she still loves me but is being guarded when we talk. I haven't tried to call her in 3 days. I guess its just so shocking how someone can love you and be there for you and then just vanish on you like that. Especially when it was the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with and talked about moving in together and getting married. I've probably begged her back like 5 times in the last month and I'm sure that she knows I am being very needy right now and it doesn't help that she is naturally independent. At least I haven't cried and just tried to talk her back rationally lol. Anyway, during the breakup, the longest I lasted without calling her was a week and she finally called me. She has said that she won't call me now because all I will do is talk about getting back together but if I wanted to call her and be friendly then I could. Well I've decided that Im not going to call and get my life together, but I miss what we had. Will she call me back or is it a waste of time? I'm 25, she is 22.

[KMSRyana]

She probably realized she was mortal when she found out she was going to have to have surgery. She may be wondering about the experience in life she hasn't had. I'd say give her space and do what she asks. Don't call her, make her call you, and when she does STAY AWAY from the getting back together or how much you miss her talks. In fact, the opposite may be better for you. Talk about the things you're doing and how much you are enjoying yourself. A "I wish you could've seen the look on his/her face" or "You should've seen it!" once in a blue moon wouldn't hurt, but don't overdo it or she'll see through it. In doing so, you'll find out where she's really at soon enough. If she wants to be with you, it'll be her idea soon enough. If you keep pushing, you will likely lose any chance of a future with her.

Just my opinion, and it's not perfect. Take what you will from it. I'm sure others will help out here soon as well. Sometimes a little of what everyone says is best. Regardless, I wish you the best.

[Copperhead6]

Yea you are right. I just wish I could go back and not have asked her back the whole time. I went a week in there without talking to her and when she finally called I jumped the gun and went back to trying to get her back. Total wuss and not showing any respect for myself. I've dug myself a hole this last month but the damage is done. Your right, I should leave her alone, its hard, but I guess if you take it one day at a time it can be done. Thanks for the advice.

[talaniman]

You may never get that old feeling back, but leaving her alone and getting yourself together is an excellent idea. The fact that she takes your calls is a good sign she will at least listen so give yourself time and come back as a friend, not a needy, selfish ex.

[Copperhead6]

Yea I think your right, I originally told her that I was going to be her friend and just roll right into it but I think I was just lying to myself to think that was possible because after about 2 days I realized that that's just not possible right now. Thanks for your advice, it really does seem like when you care about a woman you get slammed but as long as you just go with the flow and don't worry about it it always works out. Hopefully I can just stay away from her until she either comes to her senses or I find someone new.

[Copperhead6]

Well I say it was minor surgery, she was a college athlete and had the end of her season cut short because she had blood clots in her arm, they found out that she had a small hole in her heart and she had to have heart surgery to close it all. It's supposedly a pretty simple procedure but I think anytime it involves your heart it is going to be pretty serious to those involved. I was there with her in the hospital when she had the blood clots and that's when I started getting the vibes like she didn't feel comfortable with me and she just changed from that point. I know that she went through an experience before she met me about a knee injury and went through some kind of depression and was on anti depressions the entire time that I was with her but I never noticed because she seemed great to me. But maybe somewhere in the most recent event she had to stop taking them because she just fell out of love with me like a flash, and I can't justify sitting around thinking of reasons she left me, only to assume that her reason of her feelings about me changed is really all I got. She isn't acting weak or sympathetic, I really think she just lost it for, or maybe she had lost it before the surgery and didn't tell me. Pretty confusing but I'm getting stronger! ( 8 and yes, we were sexual!

[momincali]

There's so much to speculate here. As the saying goes, there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I find it difficult to imagine that a very smooth and perfectly loving relationship would just suddenly go sour. Either it wasn't as smooth and perfect as you thought or something big happened. You also mentioned that she was on anti-depressants before but is it at all possible that she was still on the meds and you just didn't know it, and maybe she had to stop taking them when she found out about her heart condition and the surgery?? Like I said, lots to speculate.

Best thing is like Tal said, just move forward and get yourself together. Maybe make one last call to her to let her know that as much as you love her, you know it wouldn't work the way things are now and that you respect her wishes of not talking about the relationship. Tell her that because it still hurts so much, you're not in a position yet to be able to be just her friend so you need to move on with your life for your own sake. Tell her that as much as you love her, it would be easier for you right now if she just didn't contact you for a while and you'd appreciate it if she respected your wishes as well. She's really young and she'll bounce back and so will you.

Then do it! Focus on improving yourself. School, work, family, friends. Any hobbies? Sports? Working out? Focus on others. Remember there is always someone who is in worse shape than you and if there's anything you can do to help them, do it. Doing stuff for other who can't do for themselves can be so rewarding. Do it all, whatever it takes to keep you from calling, writing, texting, emailing or even IMing.

[Copperhead6]

Hey, thanks for the response. Yea I think she may have been unhappy for awhile and I just didn't realize it. She was on the anti-depressants the whole time that I was with her so I'm not sure what she is like off them and I'm not sure if she came off them when she had the surgery. She told me that when she decided to take a break she went back and forth on whether to do it so I assume that there were some things that she was not happy about although I'm not really sure what they were. I mean there were a bunch of little things that I guess could have caused it but I don't think it would be healthy for me to beat myself up about it at this point. I'm passed the point of trying to figure out if I could have done something different. I just know that I still love her and want her back in my life with myself respect in tact.

[Geoffersonairplane]

We all go through this process copperhead after a breakup. We keep asking ourselves, could I have done something different? Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Why? Why? Why?. This process seems to go on for quite some time, you think you have got over it and resolved your loss and yet it comes back and catches you off guard again. I am 4 months post breakup with my ex of 3 years and I can tell you that time is a great healer. It does get better, the first month for me was really, really tough. I am not saying that after 4 months, I am completely over it, for me it was a big emotional loss and hurt me a lot but I had to become strong. I took the advice I got here at AMHD and became as positive as I could and took positive steps to overcome the loss and heal. I am still going through this process now albeit a lot further than I was 3 months ago. I think somewhat less about my ex and more about the things I should be doing to build my life and future again without her. I was engaged to this woman and with her for 3 years and we had so many plans together and 4 months ago it all ended and she told me that she did not want to be with me anymore, almost completely out of the blue although there were warning signs I missed. Anyway, the point is that you must start to pull away and build a life without your ex. It is going to take some time my friend and you will have many ups and downs to come I expect. There is no way around the heartbreak although you can make the grieving a little easier by taking some positive steps I have mentioned below.


1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING!

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person. Perhaps you have lost part of who you were before you met her. Try to establish what this was and get it back.

I wish you well in your journey, because in a way, it is a big journey that you are currently undertaking..

[momincali]

Cop, not sure that you can get her back and still keep yourself respect in tact. She seems to be a little fickle right now at best. Reasoning with her makes no sense. Begging is simply out of the question.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Move on. If she wants to return to you as much as you want her to, she will make the effort and do what she has to so it happens.

[Copperhead6]

Thanks guys I think you both make good points. You know this is the first time that I've been with a girl for longer than a month that has actually broken up with me. The other two girls I was with long term I broke up with and when I did it I just wanted them out of my life as painless as possible even though I still cared about there well being. So I guess if you have been on both sides of it, it really doesn't make sense to hang around. I like this website because I read these stories and I know what these people are going through and you can look at 85% of the stories and know deep down that that person has no chance at getting their ex back even though in there head all things are possible. The no-contact rule seems to play an important role on here because I'm sure that a lot of people learned the hard way that making failed attempts to get your ex back never worked anyway. Hindsight is always 20/20. I love this website and the people on it! ( 8