[BiWiccanAndProud]

Okay me and my husband have been married since May but we have been together for a total of 3 years. We have been having sex for just about as long.

Now I am a sub, I mean a huge sub. My husband accepts this and occasionally gets rough and bdsm on me (which I love!). But occasionally he wants me to initiate/dominate him, but about a year and a half to two years ago I tried he picked on me cause he thought it was "cute". Even before that though I have been shy about dominating. One of my issues is I don't know what to do to him! He has no turn on's accept for turning me one! Literally!! I have tried all sorts of stuff but he likes none of it! If I scratch him he starts itching. He doesn't like choking. He doesn't like hitting/spanking. He doesn't like head (he only likes it occasionally). He doesn't like anything but turning me on, which brings up a problem because dominating does NOT turn me on! Plus I'm just so scard of doing something wrong, I immediately start blushing and go into a child like state sort of (due to, so I'm told, my Asperger's Syndrome which causes me to get anxious about displeasing someone among other things).

Is there a way to get over this? Any suggestions as to what I can do? I doubt my husband wants to dominate me all the time and I doubt he will want to always do it our whole marriage. I need to fix this :(

[slapshot_oi]

So, aside from knowing that you aren't turned on by playing the dominatrix, he asks you to do it but he doesn't tell you what he likes and then mocks you for trying.. . What a guy.

That'd put anyone off, if I were you, I wouldn't even consider it unless he changed his attitude.

So it's not that your shy, it's that he hasn't been supportive or communicative in the past so it's all just an embarrassing memory. I'm certain if you had an idea of what to do based on what he told you, you'd feel more confident. So, demand that he tell you and demand that he doesn't even crack a smile when it's happening, that's about all you can do at this point.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

Well it's not that he mocked me, he did that "playful" teasing cause apparently my first few attempts at dominating was were more adorable then a turn on. And it's not that he doesn't tell me what he likes it's that he really doesn't have many turn ones. The only thing he really really likes is turning me on and apparently me being on top but like I said I get all shy so I'm usually not very comfortable on top. I don't know what it is that makes me shy, it's like I'm scared I'm going to break it or something, that and even though I've been on top a lot more lately I just can't get the hang of the movement. I'm used to being on bottom and being the sub. Like I said I just blush and freeze up. I've had a few instances where I've gone all dominatix on him but I was in an odd mood when I did. On a normal day I just don't know how to handle it.

[CravenMorhead]

I can understand the entire staying out of a funk by mixing it up. It is important for it not to seem like a script that you're both following. Being good, giving, and game (Thank you Savage Love!) is a start and it sounds like you're such.

I think though you've found out something that you tried and it didn't work. I would take it off the sexual menu for now. It sound like you're good otherwise.

I am not really into the Dom/Sub thing, so take the following with the appropriate amount of salt. If this is something you want to pursue then you will need to change your thinking. You are there to dominate him and have him submit to your will. You're not there to turn him on nor get him off (though if you do it right you will get both of those outcomes). If you're going to play the role of the Dominatrix then you have bloody well bend him to your will.

Make him do what is required to turn you on and get you off. Make him do to you want you want him to. If you want him to eat you out... well make him. If you want him to punish you. Make him. If you want to torture him, then handcuff him to the bed, blind fold him, and exact your pound of flesh. If he starts mocking you, punish him for it. Take control and run with it.

If this is something you want to do. I can't stress that enough, IF it is something you WANT to do. Do a little research.

Good luck.

[Cat1864]

Biwiccan, as I have said on this board before, I am a submissive and my husband is dominant. BDSM is not always the Master and Slave relationship that mainstream media makes it out to be. It is also only for those who are both into what they are doing and who are communicating freely about what they like and don't like.

There is a term I think you need to look into: Topping from the Bottom. If you aren't familiar with it, it is the act of the submissive being dominant. It doesn't mean spanking, etc. the dom. It means getting what the sub wants by asking for it or getting the dom to give it to him/her.

When you are 'on top', don't think of it as being dominant. Think instead of what turns you on and tell him. If a spanking turns you on, tell him you want a spanking. If he finds it 'cute', play on the 'cute'. Maybe instead of being yourself get a bit more into role playing. If you have a character in mind, it may help lessen your embarrassment at being in a different position.

Now, comes the question of why he wants you to be Dominant (at times) when you don't seem to enjoy it and he doesn't really get anything out of it. Can I guess that it is another aspect of his 'control' over you? He is putting you in the uncomfortable position of Topping. There is so much more to S&M than the physical aspects. Perhaps this is his way of branching out into other areas.

An author whose writing you might find interesting and helpful is Joan Elizabeth Lloyd. She writes romance stories that also involve kinks like BDSM.