[kleggett]

In July of 2008, my boyfriend and I met. Everything was going amazing and everything but about a year or so after, everything changed. I was only allowed to talk to a few people and then it turned into none. He has all of my passwords to everything, tracks my phone bill to know who I talk to and questions me about it. He even calculates my paychecks because he thinks I'm lying when I say I go to work. In March, I cheated on him. I talked to another man and what not but there was no physical contact. So it was more of an emotional relationship. There is no connection with my boyfriend and I; we share no common interests and he cares nothing of my feelings. I know I hurt him by cheating on him, but I don't think I deserve to be cheated like an animal. He's constantly threatening to kick me out if I don't clean everyday or do what he asks. He constantly wants sex and when I tell him no, he freaks out! I don't know what to do. It's been about 2 1/2 years and I love him to death but I don't know if I can live like this much longer.
What should I do?
Should I just deal with it because I DO deserve it for what I did, or should I leave?
My friends are worried about my well-being and think he may escalate to greater ways to keep me "tamed". Please help me!

[newbie2]

Good luck, and stay strong. Don't ever forget that you are not only the best friend you will ever have, but the only true one. FYI: the sociopath is an EXPERT at charming the general public, looking "perfect" to others.

[rebeccahstrean]

No matter if you cheated on him or not, you don't deserve to be treated like that. If he's worried about you cheating again then he needs to talk to you! And if that doesn't work then you two needs to end it. And if you don't want to have sex with him and he gets mad that should tell you something bad right there. I'm not sure if I can tell you what to do but if I were you I'd say I would leave. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You need love and support and if he still has problems being with you after you cheated then he should tell you and if he can't trust you then it should be over.trust honesty and communication is important in a relationship, and if he can't trust you then its not good. I totally agree with newbie 2 up there also!
It possibly will get worse... he might start stalking you and that's NOT a good thing. Hope this helps

[kleggett]

Yeah I've noticed that. He's so nice and smooth and as soon as we're alone he snaps. You've helped a bunch. Thank you. I'll remember your kinds words :)

[kleggett]

Thank you so much. He told me before I cheated that he didn't trust me. I think he's got the mindset that I can't find anyone else and since I love him that I won't leave. He's always threatening to kick me out. I'm over it.

[Enigma1999]

[QUOTE=kleggett;2588532] It's been about 2 1/2 years and I love him to death QUOTE]

NO you don't.

If you did, then you wouldn't have cheated on him. NObody cheats on the ones they "love to death". Sorry, but it's true.

I have been in love, and let me tell you, the thought of cheating never even entered my mind.

You don't hurt the ones you love.

Ok, now back to him... I don't agree with any thing that he is doing to YOU.

It seems as if he has way too much control over you. That's not a good thing.

Perhaps you both need to go to counseling, together, and by yourselves.

You both have issues, just completely different, but it doesn't mean that you both don't.

I see no good in this relationship. Too much control and too much deception.

[rebeccahstrean]

Your welcome! Just remember not get in a relationship like that. Trust is ONE of the MOST important. Find someone that will appreciate you. Do me a favor and don't cheat again break up first:)

[kp2171]

No matter what you did, he isn't OK like this.

If you cheat, he is allowed to kick you out and ignore your calls. He isn't allowed to change your passwords and to limit the people you can talk to.

You need to dump his arse and thank god you didn't spend another couple years with him.

Seriously... there are seven billion people on this earth. Yes... its nice to be with someone you know and are comfortable with and it sucks to walk when you've put time in...

Many... even most... relationships are meant for a time, not all time. This one is done. You betrayed him. He is uber in your face. Ick to it all.

You need to be in control of you. You will breathe so clearly and easily in such a short time without his proverbial boot on your neck. Walk. Please.

[kleggett]

He won't do counseling. He says nothing is wrong with him.

[kleggett]

He said last night that he now wants me to delete my Yahoo account and limit my time on Facebook because I'm talking to too many people. I don't know what to do. He kept up for 3 hours to try and get me to have sex and I said no. Slept on the couch

[kleggett]

I was in such a bad place and made a horrible mistake. I regret it so much. I'll never do it again

[Enigma1999]

You need to leave him. Period. You two are not married and don't have any children. LEAVE!

[Jake2008]

I see the plus in all of this as being, you recognize the signs that you are being treated in such a way, as to lose your own power and identiy. A contolling partner controls for a reason. A person accepting that control, accepts it for a reason. These two opposites will never work together and produce a loving relationship.

When, and while, you are able to recognize that you are being controlled, the only question is, what you do to stop the control. That could be leaving, it could be counselling (both of you), it could be him leaving. I doubt he is willing to go to counselling, so that leaves one of you has to go.

What you risk is not only your own sense of self, but you miss living your life as a free person. You are not free to live your life while you are under the control of another. It doesn't matter what his reasons are, or how he justifies his behaviour. We are talking about controlling a person- you- to the point where you cannot think or make decisions, even simple ones, for yourself, without his knowledge and consent.

He will not wake up one morning and be a different person. What you didin't see in the beginning with him, was always there. He hid that part of himself, because he knew damn well that had you had the real deal in the very beginning, he would never have had a second date. He also knew, that over time, he could plot and plan to take away yourself esteem, pride, individuality, and reality. You go from learning about him in the begnning, which was a false personna, to becoming so manipulated and essentially played like a piano, to where you are now.

You have changed, with him, and your life is not better, it is worse. You fell in love with a person who was not who you thought he was. You are not the first person to marry a man you did not know. But, you know now.

The biggest question is not about him at all. It is entirely about you This is YOUR life we are talking about here, not life for you according to him. There is a lot of complications and confusion as to why a man (or woman for that matter) becomes so insecure, afraid, needy, and selfish, that their entire lives are depndent upon, the control of those they 'love'. THAT is not love. Surely you know that.

You can never accurately assess or determine in advance, the behaviour of a controlling partner. Many will do anything to keep and maintain control over another, to the point of sometimes physical harm, and even death. "If I can't have you, nobody can" is the mentality that fuels the drive to keep you right where you are. You run the risk when you fight back, of having more substantial 'punishment' as a result.

Please seek counselling through a shelter for abused women. As for help. Sit and talk with someone who knows what they are talking about, and have the experience to explain why this situation is dangerous. You need a plan, and you need support to break free of this situation, and without the understanding to back up a plan to leave, this will be very difficult for you to do.

I presume, that you want out.

[slapshot_oi]

Should I just deal with it because I DO deserve it for what I did, or should I leave?

Two of my life lessons apply here:

1. You don't owe anything to anyone. . . ever. Even your parents. And you sure as **** don't have to suffer for someone.
2. Recognize when the time comes to tell someone to ****-off.

Forget couples' counseling, you'd be wasting your money since a lot of health insurance companies, especially HMOs, don't even cover it. This "relationship" is not worth saving.

Other than a serious asskicking, nothing is going to bring this guy around.

Leave him.

[kp2171]

Look... I don't take kindly to a person who cheats... but it doesn't have to define who you are and who you will be. Everybody does something they regret eventually.

I do have great objection to his behavior. He doesn't have to trust you... but he doesn't get to demand the things he has demanded. He doesn't get to lord this over you and choose to stay.

And, honestly, stop making this about what you did. He has become more and more controlling over time and its not OK or healthy.

And no matter how frustrated you are, no matter how much you regret the past, you need to focus on you and your health, and not him. I can tell you from painful personal experience... it gets better when you step back and away from a bad place like this... it might not feel good at first, but it gets so much better.

This guy isn't going to get better about this. He sees nothing wrong with limiting who you see and what you do.

And you don't get to choose to stay with him, either, and complain. You didn't deserve to be treated the way you were being treated. It isn't justification for what you did. So what?

A favorite quote of mine is Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.

Meaning at some point you must stop wishing you could rewrite it, change it, etc. You've got to learn from it, remember it, but let it go as well. And I'm talking about you forgiving you... not his forgiving you... tho' that'd obviously be nice.

This is about him being controlling in an excessive and unhealthy way. He doesn't get to hit you because you cheated. He doesn't get to force you to have sex. He doesn't get to abuse you emotionally or further tighten his grip on your freedoms.

And, again, you don't choose to stay and choose to complain. You choose to get help. Seek support. You get to think about how you've acted and why. You get to try to make your actions driven by your beliefs, not your feelings. Feelings can change on a whim.

Glad you are here. Glad you are posting. Glad you know in your heart that his behavior isn't healthy for you.