[adviceplease123]

I'm getting married in eight months and my parents have disowned me.

My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but we've maintained a relationship. She's never liked it when I've changed career / gone travelling, but I've always been successful, and made my own money etc

When she first met my fiancé, she thought he was great and everyone got on well. Then we got engaged, she met his parents and turned a bit strange. His parents would do anything for their children, work hard, have been very successful, and I can only guess that my mum's a bit jealous of their relationship.

We had loads of plans for the wedding, but she kept on rebuffing them (we wanted to get married abroad, she said "well, I can't get travel insurance" etc, things like that) We eventually agreed to getting married at her house in the garden! Yet, still she wasn't happy, minor arguments turned into huge rows and after we'd already planned and bought a number of things, she called the whole thing off!

Now, my fiancé and I were living in my grandad's house for three years (my grandad lived elsewhere). He's 97. My mum has taken power of attorney over his things. When the wedding plans were not going her way, she said we had to move out the house. It's a three bedroom house and we both work from home, and have two dogs, so there was a LOT of stuff. However she sent loads of threatening emails / texts and screamed at us (and fiancé's parents!) down the phone, so we had to leave.

We've been living in hotels/hostels for two months now, whilst still trying to plan a second wedding - it's costing a fortune. None of my extended family agree with what my mum has done and have recounted numerous occasions where my mum has turned on people, gone over the top, and tried to exert authority before. My nan told me that my mum had phoned her up shortly after this all happened and told her that she had "disowned" us.

I'm at a total loss for what to do. Not only do I have to plan our wedding again elsewhere, the actual wedding day will be weird without my parents there. One friend said we should still invite my parents because we might regret it otherwise, but if I did invite them, I'd spend the whole day worrying what could happen! Besides, my "parents" have gone out of their way to hurt us, cost us a lot of money, make us homeless and lose work.

Is anything worth losing your daughter over? I had my difficult moment growing up, but I've always been a caring person, I support myself, I made the effort to visit my parents at least twice a week, etc

Help! :(

[LearningAsIGo]

First, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, weddings tend to bring out the best--and worst in people.

If I were in your shoes, I'd plan a simple wedding abroad as you originally mentioned. Invite your parents--its true they may change their mind--and then just focus on yourself and your fiancé. You can't change their minds, you can't change fate. Whatever will be will be... just do what you can based on your budget and desires and perhaps your parents will decide to be happy for you, rather than hold grudges.

If they aren't capable of that right now, you'll be safe in the knowledge that you tried... and the rest was up to them.

Good luck!

[Jake2008]

I find that your mother's behaviour is out of line, selfish and unnecessary. Why she chooses to behave this way, is equally puzzling to me, as to why you accept it.

Because of the money spent on planning the wedding in her backyard, you are now staying in hostels and hotels? A wedding shouldn't cost you what it has cost you, financially and otherwise. She took away your home!!

My advice to you is to plan a simple, courthouse wedding, which seems appropriate with what income you have to work with. Have a small dinner with a very few close friends, or a pot luck at a friends house. You can do up the invitations on your computer, and by all means extend one to your parents. It is up to them whether to attend.

Because you have lived together for three years, if there is a tactful way to suggest monetary gifts, under the circumstances, getting money together for first and last, is more important than gadgets and gizmo's. I presume you have all your stuff in storage, and have enough things together to set up a new home.

You cannot ever predict the behaviour of an irrational person. Nor can you bet the farm on promises that you doubt they can keep. Should she contact you about your wedding, tell her that any trouble, she will be escorted out.

Don't let her ruin your day, your life, and your future. Accept her for who she is, and be realistic in what she is likely to do and say. But, set boundaries, clearly, without negotiation.