[SychinLegacy]

Hello everyone.

I'm new here. I'm obviously going through a bad breakup, that's what lead me to this great website of yours. It's amazing how parallel all the stickies are to my situation. When I was reading them I felt like you guys wrote a book about my story personally.

Some details about the breakup: She was my first love. She was mine. We were both 18 when we started dating. We met at a party at my friends house on valentines day (Not a V-day party, just a get drunk college party). She ended up getting really sick and I just happened to be there to make her feel better. We ended up sleeping together on the couch. Not sex, just sleeping. I at least wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. Can't say for her, but she called me the next day and shortly after that I asked her out. We took it slow I guess. It was a month before I kissed her. Another month until I realized I loved her. I told her, she told me she loved me back. Everything was great. Things progressed. We had mostly ups but a few downs. There were a few fights. Nothing too serious though. We'd always make up later on in the day, or the next day if it happened right before bed. The first six months went by. Everything couldn't have been better. We had a great six month anniversary. I took her bowling (she loves being competitive) and then star gazing. I bought her a silver necklace. She gave me a book she made. One for each day we were together with a little thing she loved about me.

Soon a year went by. It was valentines day again and I wanted the day to be so special for her. I talked my parents into leaving for the night. I made her dinner and we watched movies all night. I bought her a jeweled bracelet and she gave me another book with all the memories we shared. The next few months were absolute bliss. We talked every minute of every day through one medium or another. I really believed that she was the one for me and that I was going to marry her in a few years.

Then the summer came. This is when I think everything started to unravel. I chose to take a summer class as well as starting a new job at the hospital downtown. Unfortunately, this meant we had much less time together. She lives about 45 minutes from me, so if we didn't see each other too much outside of school since we go to the same university. I would try to see her as often as I could, but obviously I had much less time to do so now. Anyway the summer came and went. I knew she was a little upset that she couldn't see me as much but I thought everything was still going great. Better then ever in fact.

Well the summer class ended. I had two weeks now before fall semester started. One of which my family wanted to do a family vacation for. I really didn't want to go, but I can't say no to my family. She wasn't too happy but I talked to her via phone or computer when ever we were sight seeing or doing something as a family. The next week my work needed me and I REALLY needed the money so I picked up a few extra days. That meant I really only had one day off my whole summer and I knew she wanted to go to the Toledo Zoo (we live in Detroit if I didn't mention so it's about a 2 hour drive). I REALLY didn't want to drive two hours to a zoo on my only day off, but I did it for her because I wanted her to be happy. I was also started to get concerned about a member on her recreation softball team. They started to talk a lot until the point where he told her he liked her. She told me about it and said she told him that that's not acceptable. But I always wonder now if that is what planted the seed of doubt in her.

Fall semester started and everything seemed to be OK. We were both stressed because of school. In a week I was going to go up to Central Michigan University to visit my friends for the weekend. She was going to come with me and I was so happy for that. I asked her to come about 3 times before in the past, and every time she said she would only to let me down because she couldn't find someone to go with since her mom didn't want her to stay with me. Which is understandable. Anyway, the Sunday before we were driving in her car when she told me we needed to talk. Instantly I felt the dread fill into my body. I asked her what was up and she said she didn't feel the same about me anymore. I was crushed. When we got back to her house we sat there in silence for a few minutes and then I said I was going to go. I cried the whole way home. When I got back to my house she called me in tears saying she made a mistake and wanted me back. I took her back and I thought OK everything is going to be OK.

Well the next day I decided to pick her up early and drive her so we could spend some time together. I was going to go back to her house too and hang out with her and her family for the night. She acted just so distant from me. It was like she didn't even want to talk to me. The next day she changed her profile picture on Facebook to one without me. This really upset me because now I knew she was starting to get away from me again. I asked her why she did that and she told me that she didn't feel the same anymore and that we needed to break up. Thursday night was horrible. I called her and I cried to her on the phone for hours asking her why and what happened and all that other stuff you say when you can't think clearly. I didn't sleep at all that night. Friday morning I called her again in tears. Same stuff happened as the night before. That is when we officially broke up. I went up to central with my friends. She went to with her friends. I met her at a party that night and tried to ask her to come back to my friend's apartment and she declined. Huge mistake on my part. The rest of the weekend I spent wallowing in the corner as my friends drank and had a good time. They tried to cheer me up but I told them it was no use and I didn't want to be a buzzkill. I just couldn't drink. It made the pain that much worse. So I DD'd the rest of the weekend.

Well fast forward to today. It's been over a month now. I never really let go. She wants to still be friends. We talked a few times. I told her I can't ever be just a friend and that I'll always love her and want her to love me. I tried to vanish for two weeks hoping she would miss me and want me back. It didn't work. She was actually mad at me that I would just block her out of my life like that. That was last night. She still wants me to be a friend to her and I told her I would be.

But I gave it a lot of thought since last night and all day today. She wants me to move on so I think it's time I move on. I read all the no contact stuff on here and I think it really is what I need to do. So I'm going to tell her today that we can't be friends. But I guess my real question is, how do you move on. It's easy to say it in your head "OK It's time to move on and forget about her", but how do you actually implement it besides just waiting for time to go by? How do you keep yourself from thinking that you'll get her back if you do this? I want to truly move on and not think about her anymore. What else can I do besides keeping myself busy and keeping her out of my life?

Also I'm sorry for such a long post. It made me feel better to write out the story. I didn't mean for it to be for so long.

[talaniman]

You move on by building a life that you enjoy without her. Focus on friends and activities that make you happy. Hey look, if it takes time to heal, we all know that, then you may as well enjoy it, as opposed to wallow, and dwell on the way things worked out.

Another thing to remember, is until you have truly stopped the contact, then the healing can't begin. Now she is the type who wants to keep you as a friend so she can slowly wean herself from your influence as she gets stronger and better at building a life without you. But clearly you are different, and have to go cold turkey to kick your old habits and attachments, so a conflict.

Better to do what's in YOUR best interest, rather than hers, no matter how it hurts. What we forget is that the needs, and interests of an ex, is NOT our priority any more. Our own happiness, and needs ARE!

Making a good decision for YOURSELF, is the beginning of the healing process. Whether the ex likes it or NOT!!

[SychinLegacy]

Well I just had that fateful chat with her. I told her that I need to do this in order to heal. She wasn't exactly happy. In fact she was very hurt by it. She kept saying "if this is what you want" to which I would reassure her "No Jessica, this isn't what I wanted all. I want to be with you but that's out of my grasp now. You want me to move on so this is the only way I can do it". It was kind of weird. She kept trying to pin it on me like I was the bad guy. I told her maybe we can be friends one day, but right now I can't do it and move on. I'm doing this because it's what you wanted. I told her I was deleting her name from instant messenger but I didn't block her. I also deleted her Facebook. I told her if she wants to talk she can call me or message me because I didn't block her but that I need to not think about her for a while. All she said after that is "fine goodbye". It was bittersweet I guess. Part of my is screaming NO THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE, but the other half of is proud or what I did. It was kind of hard deleting her name right after. I kind of psyched myself out at first so then I just closed my eyes and did it. But I don't know I feel mixed now. I feel both happy and said. Now I'm going to try and heal I guess. Part of me still wants to think that she'll come back to me in time. How do I get myself to stop thinking like that?

[answerme_tender]

Its hard, but actually putting the "NO Contact" into place is a great step to healing. The only thing is, that I feel after reading your latest post that your still not willing to put those into place entirely. Your still telling her that you can't be friends and need to break off call contact to see what her reaction will be. Will she break down and say " I want you back".

When you go "NO contact" there is no reason you have to explain to your ex-girlfriend why. It also doesn't mean you still give her the ability to call or message you. You are still putting control into her hands.

I wish you the best, and having also been through a devastating breakup I can say its hard, but time does help.

[SychinLegacy]

IDK, I felt like I just wanted to tell her what I was doing. That's just how I was. I would always tell her anything about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Yeah I do still want her to break down and say that but I knew she wasn't going to. I'm still trying to transition myself from the "Do no contact so she'll want me back" to the "Do no contact to heal myself" state of mind. As far as putting control into her hands I guess that's how our relationship always was. I would always do what she wanted. Not because she was selfish but because it made me feel happy to make her happy. IDK. I guess I wanted her to have an open channel just in case. Also I do need to contact her eventually because I'm borrowing her sister's graphing calculator for my Calculus class. So I'm going to have to return that eventually. I guess I just need advice on transitioning myself from wanting her back to wanting to heal.

[talaniman]

Put you and what you need first, all the time. Make yourself as happy as you tried to make her. Identify your thing, and do it!

[answerme_tender]

The unknown is always hard to face. It can be scary,lonely,but after we take those first steps, that the fears eventually turn into challenges that we over come. This is one of those things in life that at the time of going through it we feel the closest to the bottom of the barrel of our life. But it is also the thing in life that will ultimately help build our character to a stronger individual.
Getting over this pain that you are feeling right now is not something you, nor anyone can just snap your fingers and the pain is gone. But it is the one pain that with time will heal, and you will move on with your life.

[loulabella]

I myself am going through the process of healing after breaking up with my boyfriend at the moment. I know it's not easy & that at times it can feel like you may never be able to move on. But you have already taken the first steps by being positive & realising that it's time. Implementing the 'no contact rule' is tough & I had to really force myself to do this even though I knew it was for the best .
My advice to you to help is 'Keep Busy', fill your days. Less time to think & let you mind wonder will help you heal.

[youradvisor1]

There's no quick fix however you have to accept the demise. Acceptance is key to moving on. By playing games in hopes that she will see the light won't help you. You have to decide in your head, heart and soul that you want to move on. No contact all the way even if she contacts you. Remove her from your phone, IM contacts, email, whatever. Resolve to completely eliminate her from your life. Oh what I find also helps is going out and flirting with others. It fills the void and reminds you that you can have fun with others. I'm sorry to tell you this but time and good friends are the only solution to moving on. You will let go and forget. Believe it and it shall be.

[awayandalone]

Wow man, I must say your story is almost word for word verbatum the same as mine. Check my post I'm sure ull see the similarities. Only my summer away was 8 hours away but basically we didn't see each other as you didn't see your girl. I am now around the 2 month mark of being broken up. It sucks and it hurts like hell, I made the common mistakes of calling, texting, begging her back and it didn't work and it never will. You can't force someone to change their mind and really a relationship isn't going to work anyway if they feel forced to come back to you.

Unfortunately there is no forget her potion to make the pain easier time is truly what helps. Since I've been in NC I've done more for myself than I ever did when I was with my girlfriend. I was the same as you enjoyed doing the things she wanted not because I wanted to be a push over or be whipped but because I enjoyed making her happy and really we went back and forth as to who picked what to do. What you have to do now is focus on yourself, working out does wonders, I feel like I'm in the best shape I've been in in a long time and it will help bring your confidence back. Start a new hobby, I'm taking a bar tending class 1) for myself because I always wanted to 2) because she didn't want me to when I was with her so its nice to do something I don't have to worry about her getting mad about.

Take everything you have from her and put it away, you don't have to throw it out if you don't want to, but get it out of your sight and don't look at.it. More importantly she WILL contact you, my ex is still sending me messages saying she misses me and hates not talking but doesn't want to talk because its to hard(mixed messages and it sucks) but when she does contact you ignore it. The hurt will prolong and continue if you continue to respond and talk to her. Delete her from Facebook, myspace, and any other social messenger you have. Delete her name from your phone (if your afraid ull forget her number for sometime in the future write it down and put it with the rest of her stuff).

As for her making it out to be your fault, you know that's not true, she said she wanted a break. Then the break up. Its her fault. You know you were her greatest love and you had a lot of good times together. Give her her space that she requested and do NC and disappear from her life.

Now for the calculator, I have a similar situation there as well. I borrowed a microwave and vacuum from my ex, you don't have to contact her to give it to her, your looking for a reason to contact her and that's only going to hurt more. Simply throw it in an envelop and mail it to her, if you want to be civil place a nice note with it saying thank you for the calcuator hope your well and leave it at that.

You can get through this, it won't be easy it will take time and you will have up days and down days. Honestly go with the flow, cry if you must and know that you still have a future ahead of yourself. Use this site to vent, people here will honestly help and give good advice. If you want to talk more directly let me and ill post my email for you.

Take care bud and hang in there, the sun still shines, your still breathing, and you'll make it through this and be stronger in the end. Hope this helps you somewhat!

[SychinLegacy]

Thanks for all the support from everyone.

Last night was bad. I was fine with the decision all day until I got home from work. I still live with my parents, but when I got home last night they were both out doing something. That's when it hit me. I realized just how alone I was now. I wanted someone to talk to but there was literally no one. Finally when my mom got home the first thing I did when I saw her was burst into tears. What do you do when you feel so alone. I feel like I'm reliving the breakup all over again. I know I'm supposed to keep myself busy and not think about her, but it seems like everything in my life has some sort of memory related to her. And it's only going to get harder before it gets better right?

[answerme_tender]

Its like any mourning process, when your first lose someone, the pain is devastating you will cry all the time, and yes everyday will sime like it just happened. But like we have all said, eventually with any lose of a loved one --time will lessen that first devastating all consumming pain, you will find out that you can actually go a full day without tears. Then the day were you can interact with friends because you want too, and not because you had to keep busy!
And believe it or not then you will be shocked to realize you have gone a day maybe even two days without thinking about this person.

Keep talking to your parents let them know how your doing, it helps sometimes just to have someone to share our feelings with. Get out and to some extra activities,classes, or volunteer work to fill your time with. Check into volunteering, believe it or not helping ours actually helps you get through this a lot easier.

[SychinLegacy]

Part of the reason why I think this hurts me so much is that she is my first love. The whole time in our relationship I kept telling myself in my head "probably 90% of first romances don't work out in the end" but I just kept seeing how great everything was going and I figured maybe this one would defy the statistics. That's the other problem I think. I didn't see anything going wrong at all. Maybe I wasn't listening well enough. But she seemed so happy. Just a few weeks before all this happened she would tell me how much she loved me and how much she missed me when I wasn't there. I missed the signs obviously. She kept saying stuff like "Oh i'm never going to see you because we have different classes" and "It's going to be so hard to hang out now we'll only have the weekends".

But truth be told, she never gave me a 100% black and white reason as to why she says she felt different about me all of a sudden. The only thing she cited was that we were having "all these little fights" and that just the little things started to turn her away. But I honestly didn't notice us having little fights or anything turning her off. Was I at a complete disconnect? Do I need to be a better observer or listener or partner or what? Do feelings really just change all of a sudden? And I guess I want someone to tell me that they can change back but I know that isn't true.

Maybe she got bored in the relationship? Maybe we lost our spark and I never tried to get it back. Am I just too immature for a real relationship? Maybe she is? I just don't know. I think that hurts me the most. I never saw this coming and I feel like I never had a chance to try and save our relationship. She said she felt it for a few weeks leading up to the events, that she just didn't feel the same about me. Shouldn't she have told me earlier so I could have done something to save it?

On a better note, 24 hours no contact. It may not seem like much, but it's a huge milestone to me. I'm going for a week now. Although I honestly doubt she'll ever contact me again so I guess it's all up to my willpower now.

[answerme_tender]

Sometimes they don't know how to put into words why their feelings change. All that they can say is "they dont feel the same for you". The " I love you,but not in love you".

Keep your will power strong, NO CONTACT---Remember not to sit and stew, get out.

[awayandalone]

Unfortunately that lonely feeling will come and go over the next few weeks. Stay strong. I did the same thing and broke down to my mom when she came down to visit me. Its not a bad thing to cry, you truly loved her and cared about her, its normal to grieve its how we deal with the loss. Know that your family and friends still love you and will always stand by your side. Soon enough you'll push through and that lonely feeling will be less and less. Keep focusing on you and trust me stick to NC. If she contacts you ignore it. If you run into her be civil and say you have other places to be. In the long run it will help you heal immensely. Stay strong man you'll get through this!

[SychinLegacy]

Thanks everyone for all the help and support.

48 hours now. I still dream about her. I pretty much have been every night since this happened. Sometimes she's begging for me to take her back, others she's telling me so happy she did and she never wants to talk to me again. I haven't been tempted to contact her yet so I guess that's a good sign. Sorry if I post too much. I just feel like I need to tell someone all this and this is my only real outlet.

[talaniman]

Post as often as you have to, with whatever rant, vent, or questions, or comments you have. That's better than contacting her, that's why we are here.

We all have good days, and bad, whether we are in a relationship or not.

[Homegirl 50]

Sometimes a break up isn't any one's fault. One person just grows away from the other. It is something to deal with, not blame yourself for.
You will have good days and bad days but the bad ones will be farther in between as time passes. In the meantime, we are here.

[awayandalone]

As talaniman said. Post as often as you like. It does help. Write in bold caps whatever if you feel like yelling or venting. You've done well so far in NC if you start to feel the urge to contact I suggest writing it down here, that way its off your mind.

As for the dreams, those too will continue to come and go. I don't know if it really helped as I am not real religious myself and I don't mean to offend anyone by bringing up religion, but a friend of mine who is big on religion suggested praying for help simply to stop the dreams. Basically I found that by talking out loud and asking for help to stop thinking of her and stop the dreams brought me a little bit of calm. Also if you find yourself not being able to sleep because of the dreams try taking melatonin it's a natural over the counter non-addictive sleep aid I only used it for a few weeks to get through a rough phase of grieving over her but it seriously helped wonders.

To comment on your earlier post, don't dwell on those questions you will seriously make yourself crazy over the what if's but I understand easier said than done. I had all of the same questions, my ex went complete 180 in a week, this also being after 2-3 months of serious conversation about getting engaged within the next year. I even started saving money to buy a ring. I kept that money for a while as a hope things would change but after a month I knew I had to do something for myself, so since I'm going to school to be a pilot and haven't flown in a while because money has been tight. I took that money and flew for 3 hours, best healing decision I ever made. I felt in power again and on top of the world.

I know its tough man, but you are taking the right steps. You are 48 hours strong keep it up. At this point if you find yourself still wondering thinking about her, really consider working out, even if its heading out ot a local park and walking fresh air, your blood pumping, and all the good things that come from it will put you in a better mood and the results will bring your confidence back up. Your doing well man. Again post whenever you need to!

[SychinLegacy]

I am a religious person. I have prayed for her to come back but to no avail obviously. My mom told me "God answers all your prayers, but sometimes the answer is no." I guess it's selfish of me to ask him to help me in my petty struggles when he has more important things to take care of.

Anyway although I really haven't been tempted to contact her to be honest. Is it normal to not want to early on? I guess eventually it will happen but for right now at least I can say I have that going for me. I still miss her with all my heart though. Which leads me to my next series of questions. I forgot when exactly this happened but one night we were having a fight. Honestly it was pretty rare for us to fight and I forget why we did but we both went to bed upset. Well two hours later my phone goes off and I answer it half asleep. She was crying saying she was sorry and that she didn't want me to not love her anymore. I told her don't worry about that because I'll love you forever. I promised her that. I guess I really jumped the gun on that.

I never lied to her or broke a promise to her. Never once. I wish I could say the same for everyone else in my life but she was just special to me. I couldn't bare the thought of breaking a promise or lying to her. It hurts to think that I'm actually going to break this one. But it's what she wants I guess. She told me the night before I went NC that she was happier without me Not happier than when she still loved me but happier than when she started to lose feelings for me. She also told me I needed to move on. To love someone means that you're supposed to do everything you can to make them happy no matter what it costs you right? So I guess this is my final act of love to her. I hope she's happier now. She still means the world to me, but I guess that won't be true anymore in a few months.

Also the TV was tormenting me today. I swear to god every other person on TV tonight was named Jessie or Jessica or something. I really didn't want to hear that name spoken.