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gingerbill · Oct 25, 2010, 02:43 PM

Hey all

Came her a few months ago after a difficult/confusing break up and really found the advice really helpful, so, here I am again!

I met this guy, about 6 weeks ago. I had just been dumped for the 2nd time (see above) by an Ex so wasn't looking for anything serious, just a bit of fun. He was (is) in a similar situation so we agreed to be "friends with benefits", no emotional ties, no dating, just physical. We start seeing each other once/twice a week for an hour here and there. He was very honest about stuff in that he was still in love with his ex and that if she was to ask him back, he'd be there like a shot. (she ended the relationship May, after 4 years). So once/twice a week turns into 3/4 times a week and now, we're seeing each other virtually every evening. He has started staying the night and we do silly romantic stuff like candles, wine, bubble baths together. Jesus, sometimes we don't even have sex! (not the "friends with benefits" I know)! He has asked now, that we trust each other, and that there are no 3rd parties involved. He hasn't mentioned his Ex, and his feelings for her in quite a while.

My problem, and the reason for this question, is that he is starting to get under my skin. We lie there chatting for hours, in the bath, in bed, and he's starting to feel more like a boyfriend than a FB. I'm thinking that I should just end stuff before I get hurt again, or will that just be cutting my nose off to spite my face? I know you're all shouting JUST BLOO*DY ASK HIM (!! ) but I'm scared if I do, he'll just end things. Help? Your advice last time really helped me through?

PS - I'm 39, he's 46 so not kids !

X

talaniman · Oct 25, 2010, 03:05 PM

I think your FWB has gotten complicated by feelings that were escalated because you spend so much time together doing couple stuff beyond the physical. Got a bit more involved than you planned, huh?

Well guess what, you better start talking, and getting the rules straight, AGAIN. Its truly amazing you can do so much with a guy and be afraid to ask the tough questions. Do that before you do the bubble bath thing, or the wild thing again.

youradvisor1 · Oct 25, 2010, 07:31 PM

What are your feelings toward him? Are you interested in a relationship with this guy or just FWB? You need to figure that out. I get the sense you are because you're afraid to raise the topic if he pulls away. I recently read an article that states it's beneficial for a woman to state what she wants. I totally and completely understand why you're ambivalent but it's obviously weighing on your mind. Ditch the fear and speak with confidence.

Devorameira · Oct 26, 2010, 06:02 AM

Sounds like this is beginning to progress into a romantic relationship. I'm confused though, because you seem to indicate that he's getting under your skin because it is progressing, then in the next breath you're showing concern that if you bring it up he'll end it.

You need to decide what you want, then the two of you need to have a serious talk. It has to be either FWB or boyfriend/girlfriend.

answerme_tender · Oct 26, 2010, 06:56 AM

I know exactly what your feeling. Getting into any type of relationship after a serious breakup. Now the one thing that would concern me is that he is just getting out a engagement. I would not want to be his rebound sex bunny!
Im not saying that you can't go out and have an adult relationship, but that would also include doing things outside of the house together, like dinner,bowling, sporting events. Oh and here is a key point, you meeting some of his friends while out doing some of those things.
I enjoy dating and meeting people, however I have also realize that Iam still healing and not going to get into any type of relationship that I would feel used or were I would be the user.

pandead · Oct 26, 2010, 07:44 AM

I'm against titles. I always thought it pushes people to commit and it puts pressure on me. I hate the "what are we now" talk so much I found myself in horrible (now hilarious) situations multiple times. (My last thing was calling the guy 3 times before the date to tell him "hey, you know it's not a date, just two friends getting a drink, right?")

So if you ask me, I'd say "just go with the flaw and see where it goes" but I also know by now, somebody always gets hurt at the end. You'll have to have it at some point, before it gets too complicated if possible.

I know you don't want him to end everything but if you're getting the wrong idea, better define the boundaries (and if necessary, end it) now than later, when you'll get hurt badly, especially after your last relationship. Keep us posted and good luck!

mmresd · Oct 26, 2010, 08:05 AM

Friends with benefits are relationships that I believe for them to be successful to serve their purpose and for no one to come out hurt HAVE to be momentarily. The problem with long-term, semi long-term FB's relationships is that eventually one person or both will start developing feelings with the other one, it is something that humans do especially if you have cuddled after sex because what makes you get attached to someone is a substance that acts like an amazing drug to your mind and it is mainly created after sex (during ejaculation). So, it is almost impossible for no one to start getting more feelings than just sex when prolonged exposure to this natural substance happens. Therefore, if you want a friends with benefit relationship then make sure you set a time limit if you don't think you have a chance with this guy, so no one gets hurt. Now, when both parties start having feelings for each other then it might be a possible relationship, a normal one, but if you start having feelings you HAVE to talk to him about it to see if he feels the same way, because if he doesn't then it is time for you to start backing off so that things do not get worst.

Good Luck,

Javi

gingerbill · Oct 26, 2010, 09:24 AM

Thank you all for your answers.

When we first started all this, I was hurt and not ready to be in any sort of relationship but time heals and I'm starting to feel ready to dip my toe in the water again. The FWB has not panned out like I envisaged when I started it. I expected to see him once a week maybe for an hour or two but its very quickly moved onto much more than that. Unfortunately, he is still hung up over his Ex and I know he would go back like a shot.

I'm realising that I now have no choice but to end this before I get hurt again. I'm starting to develop feelings that are clearly not reciprocated. And, at the end of the day, I think I (we all) deserve to be somebodies number one, not their number two just because their number one is not available.

One last question though - do you think I should tell him what I have just told you or just walk away as we both agreed at the outset either of us could do at anytime. I won't be ending it because I don't care, but because I'm starting to care too much

Cat1864 · Oct 26, 2010, 09:46 AM

If you don't want a relationship with him, get out and move on. However, make certain it is because of your feelings not what you are perceiving his to be. It can become a very bad habit to 'tell' someone what he/she feels. It is shutting the other person down instead of listening to what he/she has to say. I don't think you would like to feel as though your thoughts didn't matter so don't treat him as though his don't.

You say that he hasn't talked about his ex in a while. Then you say, I know he is still hung up on her and would go back in a heartbeat. How do you know if he hasn't been talking about her?

youradvisor1 · Oct 26, 2010, 09:51 AM

FWB only works if it's strictly sex. Get together for a hookup, and part ways when hookup ends. Nothing extra because isn't a real relationship a friend with romance. Once you form an emotional and personal connection you can kiss that FWB out the window. Someone develops feelings, gets attached. You seem to really be in tune with your feelings. How do you know they are not reciprocated? Do you say that because you think he's just waiting to pounce on the ex when she comes around? If that's the case than I would exit the relationship. Personally, I wouldn't just walk away without warning. I'd talk to him and be honest like you did here. If you decide to end it make it a clean break.

gingerbill · Oct 26, 2010, 10:01 AM

Cat - The thing is I DO want a relationship with him but I don't believe he feels the same. I got a message off him this afternoon saying, "I know its not to do with you and you don't like to hear it but I just wish I could put the clock back 12 months". This is the first time he has referred to the Ex in a while - that text really hurt. I think its obvious where this is going. Nowhere. I will however talk to him. I'll tell him how I feel with the expectation that once I do that will be it - It will be over, but you are right - he deserves to have the chance to say his piece and honesty is after all, the best policy

pandead · Oct 26, 2010, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by gingerbill

Cat - The thing is I DO want a relationship with him but I don't believe he feels the same. I got a message off him this afternoon saying, "I know its not to do with you and you don't like to hear it but I just wish I could put the clock back 12 months". This is the first time he has referred to the Ex in a while - that text really hurt. I think its obvious where this is going. Nowhere. I will however talk to him. I'll tell him how I feel with the expectation that once I do that will be it - It will be over, but you are right - he deserves to have the chance to say his piece and honesty is afterall, the best policy

Yep, looks like you gave him too much space. I mean if I was fwb with someone, I wouldn't text them just to talk about my ex (even though I don't get the whole message.) You're not his confident and in your case it would be the worst thing to do.

I was thinking maybe you had a chance (and you can't know without talking to him) but if you don't have that feeling (you know, that thing you can see in someone's eyes when they like you) you should probably let go.

Give yourself some time. Don't use that time to get hurt once more. You said it yourself (and you're right) looks like it's not going anywhere.

slapshot_oi · Oct 26, 2010, 10:31 AM

Here's yet another definition of FWB: it only works if you're actually friends to begin with. Like a drinking buddy that you happened to take home one night, but don't see that often so chances of emotional attachment are slim-to-none, plus you're friends so that's another safe-guard. Your situation is not that.

You're better off ending it as you already know.

answerme_tender · Oct 26, 2010, 11:36 AM

My opinion only... If you are still trying to get over a relationship, and are lonely, wanting. You should not enter into a FWB situation. Some people are very unsure of what to due with themselves and how to heal from the hurt they are going through. Some enter into these FWB thinking they can do this and not get attached.
Unfortuantely that is not the reality in most cases. Most mistake these new lust/passion feelings into love. Some are so happy that they are no longer alone, that they miss the whole definition of FWB and start assuming it's a full relationship. Then once again have to face heart break.