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jealousarmywife · Oct 24, 2010, 09:41 AM

My husband is in the army and was away at training for several months. About halfway through, I was looking over a cell phone bill and noticed that he had been textinga female soldier for hours each night for a month. I confronted this girl, who told me that nothing was going on, but the texting continued even though I expressed to my husband and this girl that I was not comfortable with the relationship. Is this normal? Do other married soldiers have these strong, hidden relationships with their female 'battles' (as my husband calls her)? I hate it and I feel like he is cheating, even if he isn't physical with her. HELP??

Fr_Chuck · Oct 24, 2010, 10:11 AM

A soldier will become friends with other soldiers in their outfits. But texting for hours is not being friends, it is being in a relationship

youradvisor1 · Oct 25, 2010, 07:18 PM

That is the definition of an emotional affair. Would he be pleased if you were in contact with another man after hours? I think not. I recently had to tell a married coworker of mine to stop IMing and texting me in the evenings. It's crossing a line that should not be crossed.

jealousarmywife · Oct 26, 2010, 01:00 PM

So how do I fix this? My husband will not admit that anything that he has done is wrong! How can ever trust him? If I ask him how he would feel in my shoes, he says that he trusts me completely, so he would not have a problem with it. I am terrified!

answerme_tender · Oct 26, 2010, 02:53 PM

Well I would tell him how much you appreciate his trust and just recently became aware of how correct he is about nothing being wrong with texting other people, even if they are opposite sex. Of course you couldn't understand his point of view until you were in same situation. Now that you are and are enjoying texting an old friend you can see how innocent texting came be!! Let him stew!
Its time for you start making some decisions. Make sure you can support yourself, or be able to get back to your family, just in case he is messing around. This could be perfectly innocent, but at this point I wouldn't care. You have talked to both of them and they both have shown nothing by disrespect for you. I not so concerned with the other woman's respect, but your own husband should care.

Alty · Oct 26, 2010, 02:59 PM

You are his wife, and that should be more important than texting some other girl, even if it is just friendship.

He can say that he trusts you all he wants, he can say that he'd be okay with you texting other guys, that doesn't matter. The fact is, you're not okay with this, and if he cares about your relationship than he has to take your feelings into consideration. If he doesn't, than that's saying a lot.

If it is just friendship than why not stop in order to put your wife at ease? The only reason to refuse to stop is that there's more going on and he's not willing to break it off. That's just my opinion.

Talk to him, tell him point blank that this bothers you and you want it to stop. If he refuses, ask him why, and stress that if there was nothing to worry about than it shouldn't be hard for him to comply to your wishes.

Good luck.

DoulaLC · Oct 26, 2010, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by jealousarmywife

My husband is in the army and was away at training for several months. About halfway through, I was looking over a cell phone bill and noticed that he had been textinga female soldier for hours each night for a month. I confronted this girl, who told me that nothing was going on, but the texting continued even though I expressed to my husband and this girl that I was not comfortable with the realtionship. Is this normal? Do other married soldiers have these strong, hidden relationships with their female 'battles' (as my husband calls her)? I hate it and I feel like he is cheating, even if he isn't physical with her. HELP???

Do you know what is being discussed when they text? It is difficult to believe it is just talk to do with their jobs and I doubt he would be spending hours texting some guy.

It doesn't matter if they are military or not, they could be co-workers anywhere. The mere fact that you have shared your concerns and discomfort with it should be enough. If it is no big deal, then it shouldn't be a problem for them to just stop.

I'd talk to him again, express your feelings, ask him to consider how he might feel if you were texting some man for hours and didn't want him to know about it. He may be just talking about work stuff and experiences shared during training, but there is a line when someone is married as to how much involvement you have with someone of the opposite sex. For some people it may be that quite a bit is not a problem, for example some people will have a best friend who is of the opposite sex, but for others it wouldn't take much before they are uncomfortable with it. The fact that it appears to have been done in secret is a problem and that your feelings about it are not being taken seriously is another problem.

As answerme_tender suggested, best to hope for the best, but plan for the worst and make sure you have a plan to be able to take care of yourself should the need ever become necessary.

youradvisor1 · Oct 27, 2010, 09:11 PM

You are setting boundaries in your marriage and that is perfectly healthy in any relationship. He may say he wouldn't mind but words are just that... words. If the situation were reversed and you had been in close contact with another guy unbeknownst to him I doubt he'd be so complacent. Even if they weren't discussing anything inappropriate he's still bonding/sharing/opening up to another woman which is what he should be doing with his wife. Tell him you love him and trust him but that this deeply hurts you. Ask him if he would cut ties because you love each other and want the best relationship possible. Please read this. http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Emotional-Affairs-101/1

talaniman · Oct 29, 2010, 08:54 AM

Its very difficult to be married, but away from your husband under such conditions as military service without the added stress of him texting a co worker so much. That's what this is about more than just trust, the stress of not knowing what really going on between them. With married couples, if its as innocent as he says, then you can also know his co worker through texts, or whatever and should also be able to texts her too. If he cannot "share" his friendships with you, he doesn't need them, and if he scoffs, then you work to protect yourself. As his wife, he should be more than willing to be open, and honest, and reassure your fears with more than just "trust me".

That's a lousy answer for a distant wife, and a selfish self serving one.