[Lightning55]

I wish for someone to look over my college application essay and help me edit it. These are the essays for MIT, so they are very important to me. I do not wish to put my essays so openly out here, so I'd appreciate if someone is willing to help.

Thank you very much.

[joypulv]

I'll look at it.

[Wondergirl]

It's against the rules to go off-board. Could you post a paragraph or two, so we can see how well you've written it? Does the opening sentence have a nice hook?

[Lightning55]

I guess I could.

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you’d like to tell us about. (250 words max)

I always found myself solving some puzzle or riddle I discovered somewhere. Mentally, I was never satisfied. However, the prospect of memorizing endless lines of facts seemed dull and pointless. I constantly felt that only those who could think independently, unaffected by others yet still tolerant of ideas, would become the truly successful. (first paragraph only)



Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs,school,community,city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

My parents both worked extensive hours in a restaurant when I was born. Life was hard financially as they labored from dawn to dusk. I rarely saw my parents because I was sleeping when they left me at the day care and too exhausted to notice when they came to pick me up.
Our lives did not improve until my father began to study programming. He toiled between his studies and work, but he managed to obtain several certifications. Soon after, he landed a government job, receiving a substantial increase in income, allowing my mother to spend more time at home with me. In addition, her new free time enabled her to work at a local donation group. During this period, I realized the amount of people who needed help in just our own local community. I couldn’t begin to fathom the number of people in the world who needed help. (first 2 paragraphs only)

[Wondergirl]

I always found myself solving some puzzle or riddle I discovered somewhere. [What does that mean, "discovered somewhere"?] Mentally, I was never satisfied. [With what?] However, the prospect of memorizing endless lines of facts seemed dull and pointless. [You need a bridge from solving puzzles to memorizing. What's the connection?] I constantly felt that only those who could think independently, unaffected by others yet still tolerant of ideas, would become the truly successful. [More explanation is needed of how this fits with solving puzzles and memorizing facts. I know what you're trying to say, but you don't say it.]

When I came along, my parents both worked extensive hours in a restaurant.

When they would leave me at the day care

Income which allowed my mother to spend more time at home with me.

I realized how many people needed help

[joypulv]

I have been informed by another member that it was against policy to say I'd look at it (in private). I can't find the policy.

[Wondergirl]

I have been informed by another member that it was against policy to say I'd look at it (in private). I can't find the policy.

The policy says: "Please Note: Do not use Private Messaging for questions that should be asked in an appropriate topic."

[ScottGem]

I have been informed by another member that it was against policy to say I'd look at it (in private). I can't find the policy.

Also you were not informed by "another member", you were informed by a site moderator who is responsible for enforcing the rules and policies of this site.

[Lightning55]

I need to shorten this essay. Can anyone help me reduce it to 100 words and hopefully critique it?


Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)

The Institute for Soldier Nanotechnologies at MIT perfectly fits my aspirations, especially Nanosystems Integration. The research performed can help almost any researcher, especially when there are dangerous circumstances such as deep-sea exploration and cave excavation. Considering my background in networking, I believe I can contribute to the way combat suits can communicate with each other and with bases. The laser-to-uniform communications is viable in open areas and in proximity. An innate problem would be contacting through any dense medium. I am well aware that radio communications can be intercepted and electrical fields may mess with other equipment. However, a mix may work even better, allowing communications to be adapted to the circumstances. The ISN can offer me knowledge as to how nanotechnology can help people and hopefully I can contribute to how nanotechnology can communicate on a large scale.

140 words.

[Wondergirl]

How many words is it now? ***
***ADDED*** Never mind. I threw it into Word. 139. Give me give five minutes to tweak it.

[Lightning55]

Oh thank you very much. I edited it a little too. I felt that the central message jumped around a bit. Here is my current version:

The Institute for Soldier Nanotechnologies at MIT perfectly fits my aspirations, especially Nanosystems Integration. The research performed can help almost any researcher, especially when there are dangerous circumstances such as deep-sea exploration and cave excavation. The laser-to-uniform communications is viable in open areas and in proximity. An innate problem would be contacting others through any dense medium. I am well aware that radio communications can be intercepted and electrical fields may disrupt other equipment. However, a mix may work better, allowing communications to be adapted to the different circumstances. The ISN can offer me knowledge as to how nanotechnology can help people. Considering my background in networking, I believe I can contribute back through developing nanotechnology communications.

[Wondergirl]

I'm not the world's most skilled nanotechnologist, but I got it down to 104 words. Does it still make sense?

MIT's Institute for Soldier Nanotechnologies, especially Nanosystems Integration, is a perfect fit for me. Its research provides safety in deep-sea exploration and cave excavation. With my background in networking, I can contribute to combat suit and base communications, knowing that laser-to-uniform communications are viable in open areas or in proximity. An innate problem is contacting through any dense medium, plus radio communications can be intercepted, and electrical fields may mess with equipment. However, a mix may work even better. The ISN can offer me knowledge as to how nanotechnology can help people, and allow me to help nanotechnology communicate on a large scale.

[Wondergirl]

I will be back in about an hour -- or a little less.

[Lightning55]

Thank you. The way you put it made the research at ISN seem like it is for exploration, but those are just alternate possibilities. In the line "However, a mix may work better" could probably be rewritten. I'll work on it and hope you'll be able to help me with it again. Thank you so much!

Love your location too. I didn't notice it before, but it gave me a good chuckle.

[Lightning55]

I have my essays again. Could you please help me cut down on the number of words for these essays? In addition, could you help me make the short essays cohesive? I find that they sometimes act as separate parts of a whole without any "glue" holding them together.

Essay 1: (250 words)/(250 words max.)

Since I was in elementary school, I dug through old puzzle books, trying to figure out each problem. Often, I would design a plan to approach the problem. I discovered that whenever I devised a method, it would be easier to find the solution. In high school, my IT class would allow me to put my planning ability to the test.
Network design and engineering became one of my favorite classes solely because there never was a simple solution. Chapters ran through variable length subnet masking, interior and exterior gate protocols, and life applications of network design. The latter allowed me to apply my so-called skill.
When the teacher delegated us to design a network for a small business last year, I deliberately planned my network to account for electromagnetic interference, monetary expenses, and future expansion. Taking a deep breath, I explained my network. “I put the main distribution facility in that small corner room,� I sputtered out. “Should the business need to expand, it wouldn't disrupt the current building. I ran wires through the ground because unshielded-twisted pair cables will suffer less interference when in the ground, and fiber-optic cabling costs too much, especially for a start-up business.�
In my heart, I desperately searched for anything that I might have forgotten. Then, I read over the teacher's comments, “Well-thought out for expansion; comprehensive considerations; excellent planning overall.� My foresight was no longer an illusion and finally played a role in practical applications, and that is my most prideful skill.

Essay 2: (337 words)/(250 words max.)

My parents have always been an integral part in my development. My actions mimic theirs. When I came along, both of my parents worked extensive hours in a restaurant. They labored from dawn to dusk, living in financial hardship. I rarely saw my parents because I was sleeping when they would leave me at the day care and too exhausted to notice when they came to pick me up.
A few years after I was born, my father began studying programming. He toiled between studies and work, but he managed to obtain a job in programming. Sometimes, he would talk to me about how computers would drive the future and how important it was for me to learn about technology. As I grew older, I felt a strong connection with my father when I tinkered with all types of technology.
Now that my father attained enough income to support my family, my mother would spend time at home with me. While I went to school, she volunteered at a local donation group. During this period, I realized how many people needed help in just our own local community. I couldn't begin to fathom the number of people in the world who needed help.
When I arrived at Forest Park High School, I immediately engrossed myself in the IT department, learning valuable computer skills when I discovered the SWAT program. The SWAT program aims to refurbish computers donated by companies and distribute the finished product to underprivileged families. It seemed to give me the opportunity to carry both my father's and my mother's characteristics.
The satisfying looks on those faces inspire me to continue my technical education. It has motivated me to uncover ways to improve the lives of others through my field of expertise. I am pursuing nanotechnology because I believe that the field can produce innovations in technology that will revolutionize the world. People have barely skimmed the surface, and I want to find out the maximum potential that lies within technology at a microscopic size.

Essay 3: (308 words)/(250 words max.)

“You, a swimmer? There's no way.�
Why wouldn't I be? I drag myself to the freezing pool almost every morning and afternoon. In a day, practice can add up to almost six or seven miles of swimming. The monotony of all those laps bore the life out of me, and I suffer from so much fatigue that I can fall asleep standing up. It's a wonder why I haven't decided to quit.
Actually, I genuinely considered quitting a few years back. I'm not built as an athlete and I never really enjoyed sports. Easily thirty to fourth pounds heavier than my peers, I had difficulty with all the sports that I had ever tried. Initially, I started swimming because it was the only activity in which I wouldn't end up with a pile of sweaty clothes at the end of the day. However, I soon felt that the countless hours I poured into swimming led me nowhere.
One day, I told my coach that I didn't really see any benefits from swimming and that regardless of how hard I practiced, I never won. I never even came close to winning. She explained that success was not natural. She worked herself ridiculously hard during her four years in college to end her senior year as the fastest swimmer. She told me not to give up, that if I truly wanted to, I could win.
She inspired me to try to prove that I could win something even if it seemed as if I had no chance. I pushed myself harder by having personal practices and studying the efficiency of my strokes. My parents recorded my swims on their camcorder, giving me the opportunity to examine the videos for potential improvement. My efforts were as much physical as they were mental. I had two coaches: my team coach and myself.

Thank you very much. I'm still trying to edit them myself as well. I'll edit this when I make changes.

[Wondergirl]

#1 (WC 238)

Ever since I was in elementary school, I would dig through old puzzle books, trying to figure out each problem. I would design a plan to approach the problem that made it easy to find the solution. In high school, my IT class allowed me to put my planning ability to the test.

Network design and engineering became one of my favorite classes simply because there never was a simple solution. Chapters ran through variable length subnet masking, interior and exterior gate protocols and life applications of network design. The latter allowed me to apply my problem-solving skill.

Last year, when the teacher assigned the class to design a network for a small business, I deliberately planned my network to account for electromagnetic interference, monetary expenses, and future expansion. Taking a deep breath, I explained my network. “I put the main distribution facility in that small corner room,” I sputtered. “Should the business need to expand, it wouldn’t disrupt the current building. I ran wires through the ground because unshielded-twisted pair cables will suffer less interference when underground, plus fiber-optic cabling costs too much, especially for a start-up.”

I tried to recall anything that I might have forgotten. Then, I read over the teacher’s comments, “Well-thought out for expansion; comprehensive considerations; excellent planning overall.” My foresight was not an illusion and played a role in practical applications. That is the skill of which I am the most proud.

[Wondergirl]

#2 (WC 264)

My parents have always been an integral part of my development. My actions mimic theirs. When I was very young, both parents worked extensive hours in a restaurant. They labored from dawn to dusk, living in financial hardship. I rarely saw them because I was sleeping when they would leave me at day care and too exhausted to notice when they picked me up.

A few years after I was born, my father began studying programming. He toiled between studies and work, and eventually obtained a satisfying job in that field. He told me how computers would drive the future and how important it was for me to learn about technology. As I grew older and tinkered with all types of it, I felt a strong connection with my father.

Since my father was now able to support us, my mother volunteered at a local donation group. I came to realize how many people needed help in just our own community--and certainly so many more in the world!

When I began at Forest Park High School, I immediately engrossed myself in the IT department and had the opportunity to carry on my parents' characteristics in the SWAT program. It refurbishes company-donated computers and distributes the finished products to underprivileged families.

Those happy faces inspired me to continue my technical education and motivated me to uncover ways to improve people's lives. I believe innovations in technology, specifically nanotechnology, will revolutionize the world. We have barely skimmed the surface, and I want to discover the maximum potential that lies within technology at a microscopic size.

[Wondergirl]

#3 (WC 249)

“You, a swimmer? There’s no way!”

Why wouldn’t I be? I drag myself to the freezing pool twice a day which adds up to almost seven miles of swimming. The monotony of all those laps bore the life out of me. I suffer so much fatigue that I could fall asleep standing up. It’s a wonder I haven’t quit.

Actually, a few years back, I genuinely considered quitting. I’m not built as an athlete and never really enjoyed sports. Almost forty pounds heavier than my peers, I have difficulty with most sports. I started swimming because it was the only sport that didn’t give me a pile of sweaty clothes at the end of the day. However, I felt that the countless hours I poured into swimming led me nowhere.

One day, I told my coach that I didn’t see any benefits from swimming and that, regardless of how hard I practiced, I never won. I never even came close to winning! She explained that success was not natural and had had to work ridiculously hard herself during college to become the fastest swimmer. She told me not to give up, that, if I truly wanted to, I could win.

Her inspiration made me push harder. I had personal practices, studying the efficiency of my strokes. My parents recorded my swims on their camcorder, so I could review for improvement. My efforts were as much physical as they were mental. I had two coaches: my team coach and myself.

[Lightning55]

I rearranged the third paragraph and redirected the meaning of the third essay. I also have another essay. Could you please critique it this time? Thank you very much! (I owe you so much Wondergirl!)

I'm not built as an athlete, but I enjoy sports. Almost forty pounds heavier than my peers, I found tremendous difficulty with sports when I was young. However, while swimming, I felt as if my weight seemed to matter very little with my swimming ability.

When I joined the swim team nine years ago, it was nothing like I had ever experienced. I would drag myself to the freezing pool several times a week and suffer from so much fatigue by the end of practice I could fall asleep standing up! Even then, I achieved few satisfactory results.

I began to teeter between staying on the team and quitting, but my coach convinced me to stay. She explained that success was not natural, and that she had to work incredibly hard during college to become fast.

I decided to change. Instead of pursuing only a more difficult workout, I also had personal practices to study the efficiency of my strokes. My parents recorded my swims so I could review them for improvement. In all, my efforts were as much physical as they were mental. By the end of that year, I reached a few A standard times and even broke a record!

Through swimming, I have experienced sacrifice, how to face adversity, and success. I have also learned that diligence could overcome even the greatest of barriers. My newfound will and determination are now a part of me, and I shall carry them wherever I go and face any challenge.

The piano is an extension of me. As I play, the tempo and keys follow my mood. Every cell of my body connects with the music, channeling the music. I give the piano life, which in turn, stimulates my mind.

Through the piano, I can articulate both my mood and my feelings through my music and bring them to a state of peace. Whether it is anger or anxiety, the music I play resonates deep within me to subdue them. The beautiful gift of music is the epitome of enjoyment and relaxation, soothing me both mentally and physically.

[Wondergirl]

What is the topic/statement you are writing about? Please c/p it here.

The piano addition is very clunky and doesn't connect with the swimming. You had a beautiful essay about swimming. Why did you throw a piano into the swimming pool?