Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
I'm not even going to argue with any of you on this, only because I need to hear this from a man who doesn't know who I am or my boyfriend. My friends are always on my side because they're just my girls.
EXACTLY. Your friends ALWAYS tell you want you want to hear, NEVER what you need to hear. So many people think that by doing that they are being great friends when in fact they are coddling someone and never giving them the true gift of advice that moves someone forward.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
Although some things you said are very very harsh, you have valid points. I made a list of things I was going to do to improve my way of life and work towards getting my relationship back on track.
Well, I’ve got to say I’m impressed. You’ve taken the first step. Step 2 will come when you start to meet resistance or a difficult challenge presents itself. Work through a couple of those and you’ll be on your way to change.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
Yes, nagging will be ONE of them!
It has to be.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
But I will say on my defense that it takes two to make things work.
Yes it does. I’m not giving him a pass to live on the couch. I’m explaining to why he would not be motivated to help you or do anything with you. You said it yourself, he used to be different. But after years of listening to he’s not good enough he just quit. From his perspective why try? It was never going to be good enough.
It does take two to work, but you help each other to get better, not cut each other off to the point you create nothing.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
So even though you may defend him like his homeboy would,
I’m a 30 year old man who grew up in a troubled house, who didn’t have jack handed to him by either parent, who put himself through college to earn two Bachelor degrees, with no lifetime debt. I manage two hotels and three restaurants. I outright own my own car that I paid in full upon purchase, with no monthly payments, I travel for 6 months out of the year, I don’t live in my parents basement, and I can wear my pants without looking like a tool. I am nobodies homeboy.
I’m my own a man and if your man was wrong I’d be telling you. Is he perfect. No. Does your behavior explain his behavior. Absolutely. I don’t defend anybody. I tell it like it is, or at least how I see it. By the fact that a couple others backed me up, I’d say I’m not too far of course.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
our mutual guy friend has actually told me that he is lazy, he takes me for granted, and I spoil him!!! This is coming from his best buddy whom my man treats just like me.
So what? Again friends say what you want to hear.
I’d be inclined to believe the friend if he offers to alternative reasons your boyfriend is this way. Does he offer anything positive about your boyfriend?
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
Yes that's right, I pay for the mortgage, buy him expensive things
To show you that I don’t always agree with the guy I’m going to tell you this is absurd. He needs to be paying for half the mortgage period. Is his name on the mortgage? If not and for some reason foreclosure happens he just got free rent. If his name isn’t on the mortgage you need to set up a rental agreement and make him pay. But I’d insist on half the mortgage. Nothing less.
You should buy him nice things as a show of appreciation. This goes back to your parents spoiling you. They bought you anything you wanted and now you repeat the pattern as an adult. Should he appreciate your acts of kindness. Yes. But if you do that so much it comes off as you trying to buy his love, instead of saying THANK YOU for doing something good. This is what I meant in my last post when I said you parents didn’t prepare you. They just got you whatever you wanted, and as a child that worked for a little bit until you wanted something else. Then you repeated the pattern. Here you are years later buying him things but it doesn’t come off as a gift, but an attempt to purchase his love. After awhile all the gifts are the same, they don’t mean a thing.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
and is emotionally there for him. More than you will ever know!
I guess so. I sure didn’t see it. I guess I was to busy wondering how many zeros had to be on my check to make a woman like you stop complaining and pick something up with a smile.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
So what am I to do when he says I need to add his name on to my condo soon or he will leave me?
Tell him to start paying this month. January. If he’s going to leave you over this then there is a lot more to this story. He should already being paying for rent. You as a woman, have the right to demand that your man be a man and do his fair share. He certainly should be paying for his already. You’ve given him a free ride in this department long enough.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
Or how about how I pay for everything,
NO!! That ends today. Seriously. TODAY. Don’t you see what’s happened. You repeated everything your parents did. It worked as a kid, but doesn’t work in real life. If he’s not happy with the way he’s being treated then he needs to leave. But if he wants to be in this relationship he needs to grow a pair and pay for his half. Personally I’d feeling like complete loser if I knew I had to let a woman support me. It’s one thing to let a month go if lost a job. But after that no. Get his act together.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
even our pet expenses, and he can't even pump my gas.
See just when I’m siding with you, you say things like that. Is he supposed to pump your gas? I’ve never pumped my woman’s gas, nor did I know I was supposed to.
Look you guy isn’t doing his share in this relationship. I’m with you there. But your approaches and some of your demands do not produce the results you want. You deserve a man to be a man and act like a man in the relationship. You deserve a man that can maintain and support himself but in return a man deserves a woman that recognizes his achievements and doesn’t belittle him when he doesn’t live up to his capabilities.
Originally Posted by
MISSIBAYBE
I got him thru school when his parents didn't. Did I mention he's into pot?
That’s very noble of you. The problem with that is that if you spoil someone so much then tell them there not good enough you kill there drive. He sucks at everything and he has everything he needs.
No you didn’t mention pot and I’m sure that doesn’t help a bit. Pot makes many a lazy person.
At this point maybe it would be best to break off for awhile. You can work on your list and if he still wants you to be in his life, make a reasonable list for him of what you need in a man. Be honest and be fair. If you say to him “I need a man that makes money so I’ll be happy” he won’t come back. However if you say, “I need a man to support himself financially and provide me with some comfort that he is holding up his side of the relationship,” that is fair and doesn’t kill his self worth or self esteem.