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jensyrauntie · Oct 18, 2010, 07:34 PM

I am much older (35) . There are several issues: first she has been staying out until 3 or 4 in the morning most nights of the week with friends. A part time babysitting job is her only income. She sleeps until 2 or later. She was in school, but she dropped out. She has a pretty severe weight problem so I know she has social difficulty. I suggested she try some online classes thinking it might be something that would give her a sense of accomplishment and help get her going. She said she didn't want to waste her time because she didn't know what she wanted to do yet. My parents pay her car insurance, provide her with a cell phone, a credit card for gas, a roof over her head, food and clothing and ask nothing in return except that she be home by 12 and try to find a job. She can't or won't do either, although she says she is looking for a job. I can't see how when she is sleeping all day. I can see that she is depressed. What should they do?

YeloDasy · Oct 18, 2010, 11:30 PM

What do your parents think or want for her?

VRon1 · Oct 19, 2010, 06:04 PM

Spend some time with her. Your siblings but not friends? Get to know her. Go out to lunch and just talk though not about what either you have accomplished or not accomplished in life. See what interests her and drop some subtle hints about doing that.
If that doesn't work try and convince your parents to treat her like a teenager again with rules and consequences.

talkintina · Oct 27, 2010, 01:13 AM

TOUGH LOVE! Somebody wants to give me a free ride they just need to let me know!
She's obviously taking advantage of your parents and they need to set some ground rules, with a timeline, an ultimatum and a consequence! That no matter how hard if she fails to meet the requirements in the given a mount of time then set her stuff out with a short note saying we're sorry, we love you, but we told you and we meant it and still do and lock her out. If your parents have an extreme amount of guilt then they could include a list, to be completed in full, before she can return, and that her phone car ins etc. also has a time limit and then they will quit paying it. Yet give her enough time to go to work and if not pay it all then at least a set %. If she's not made to stand on her own two feet she won't. Deep down she's aware she's being selfish and lazy which contributes to depression (low self esteem) but when she has to "do or die" she'll gain some self esteem and pride and realize she can do it, and fears faced are fears conquered. Its tough love yes but its STRONG LOVE in the long run.

J_9 · Oct 27, 2010, 01:47 AM

Originally Posted by talkintina

set her stuff out with a short note saying we're sorry, we love you, but we told you and we meant it and still do and lock her out.

So you are talking about an illegal eviction then?

talkintina · Oct 27, 2010, 01:55 AM

It's the parents house and having set a time for her to either secure a job or ? Or you'll have to go. Would give her plenty of time to either secure a job or find somewhere else to live! What's illegal about that?
T

J_9 · Oct 27, 2010, 01:56 AM

Since the girl is of majority age, over 18, she must now be legally evicted through an eviction process.

VRon1 · Oct 28, 2010, 08:25 PM

Throwing her stuff out may not be the best idea given but showing her no mercy is. Ween her into responsibility. Your parents should give her a small responsibility like half or a quarter of each bill she is obtaining.

Alty · Oct 28, 2010, 08:41 PM

I agree that just throwing her stuff out would be illegal. The parents would have to legally evict her, even though it's their house. Doesn't seem fair, but that's the law.

This girl has been getting a free ride in a fancy car, and the parents either have to put their foot down, or realize that as long as they let her, she'll continue to take advantage of them.

They may not be able to evict her easily, but there's no law saying they have to pay her car insurance, her car, her cell phone, or anything else.

First I'd demand rent. She's not a child, she does get money from babysitting, that money should be used towards paying her bills and paying rent. If she can't afford to pay than no car, no phone, and that will stop the evening out until 4am.

This girl needs to learn responsibility, and it's far past time that the parents taught her.

DoulaLC · Oct 29, 2010, 11:00 AM

I agree VRon1... weaning her into developing more responsibility is needed. It is easy to say toss her out, even if you could that easily, but I don't know too many parents that would unless they knew their child (regardless of age) had a place to go, a decent job, and/or someway to support themselves. It's not going to happen on babysitting money.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Boundries are necessary... a frank discussion to help her get on track with a goal for her future is necessary... at the very least some responsibilities around the house are necessary to instill some sense of earning her way as she looks for better employment and furthers her education if need be.

You have to take into account logistics as well when determining the best course of action. Could she get to a job without a car? Is there bus service in the area?

What sort of jobs are available within a reasonable distance? Is there a mall she could make the rounds to apply in? Coming up there should be more opportunities with the holiday season. Places such as Target, Walmart, mall shops, movie theatres, fast food places, smaller local shops, book stores, toy stores, etc. are all possibilities. She could look into entry level receptionist work, telemarketing, etc..

If you live near by, maybe you could get together with her and go around with her as she puts in applications. Make a few days of it... go out to lunch, etc. as was suggested.

slapshot_oi · Oct 29, 2010, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

Since the girl is of majority age, over 18, she must now be legally evicted through an eviction process.

If by eviction process you mean calling the police and having her hauled out of there, then yes.

Just to be clear.. . There's no legal binding agreement here, plus she's not paying rent so she's not even considered a tenant-at-will, so the parents can pack her stuff, put it out on the lawn and kick her out without any notice if they want. And if she doesn't comply, they get the cops involved.

At 20 she should really be living on her own. She's going to continue to take advantage so long as your parents allow it. She needs a lifestyle change, whether it's forced upon her or whether she does it willingly; it just needs to happen.

DoulaLC · Oct 30, 2010, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

If by eviction process you mean calling the police and having her hauled out of there, then yes.

Just to be clear. . . there's no legal binding agreement here, plus she's not paying rent so she's not even considered a tenant-at-will, so the parents can pack her stuff, put it out on the lawn and kick her out without any notice if they want. And if she doesn't comply, they get the cops involved.

At 20 she should really be living on her own. She's going to continue to take advantage so long as your parents allow it. She needs a lifestyle change, whether it's forced upon her or whether she does it willingly; it just needs to happen.

It may be nice if she were living on her own, but these days many 20 year olds are still at home unless away at school. She certainly should be helping out while living at home, if not monetarily until she has a better job, than in cleaning, yardwork, helping prepare meals, etc..

Since it appears it is not a situation where she is a danger to anyone, causing trouble, breaking the law, etc. kicking her out may be over the top at this point and will likely cause more harm than good to their family relationships.

Alty · Oct 30, 2010, 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

If by eviction process you mean calling the police and having her hauled out of there, then yes.

Just to be clear. . . there's no legal binding agreement here, plus she's not paying rent so she's not even considered a tenant-at-will, so the parents can pack her stuff, put it out on the lawn and kick her out without any notice if they want. And if she doesn't comply, they get the cops involved.

At 20 she should really be living on her own. She's going to continue to take advantage so long as your parents allow it. She needs a lifestyle change, whether it's forced upon her or whether she does it willingly; it just needs to happen.

Slap, from what I've been told, it doesn't matter if the "tenant" is paying rent or not, if they've lived there for a certain amount of time you must formally evict.

We had a friend that lived with us for 1 1/2 years, he didn't pay rent, or food, or anything. We paid for everything and it was breaking us.

We asked him to leave, he didn't. I looked into what I'd have to do to get him out, and I found out that unless he agrees to leave willingly, I would have to formally evict him because he had lived in our home for more than 6 months.

Thankfully in the end he left willingly, but it didn't matter that he hadn't paid rent or signed a tenant agreement.

Just fyi, and keep in mind that I'm not in the US so the laws there could be different, but from what I've seen on this site, I don't think they are, or not by a lot.

talaniman · Oct 30, 2010, 02:29 PM

I think you convey some of the very good ideas you have been given to you to your parents, and let them decide what they want to do about applying tough love and discipline to your younger sister. All you can do is love, and try to guide her, in a positive way. Being 20 and confused, is not an easy place, especially with over protective parents.

slapshot_oi · Oct 31, 2010, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Slap, from what I've been told, it doesn't matter if the "tenant" is paying rent or not, if they've lived there for a certain amount of time you must formally evict.

Point taken, but this is the 20-year-old daughter and listed as a dependent on her parents tax forms, not some guy. I can't find any article on Google on how to formally evict children in Mass. It depends on the state and local statutes, and the OP never told us where her sister lives.

Still, the OP should have her parents call the cops and have her removed, and if it turns out there's some senseless law in place that won't allow parents boot their own children out of the house, then the cops will tell the OP what to do.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2010, 02:47 PM

Its really not up to the OP, but the parents, and its cruel to not lay out expectations, and see if they can do better, before you call the cops on your own child. You would have to be a parent to understand and I am quite sure the parents are weighing their options on what to do about their 20 year old daughter. They did okay with the other two, they will eventually do okay with this one two.

dontknownuthin · Oct 31, 2010, 06:17 PM

You seem to have figured out she has low self-esteem and depression. Encourage her to get counseling for her self-esteem and to go to a local community college to see if they offer career counseling to help her figure out a direction. She probably wants to do something but has no idea what, and may not believe she's capable of doing anything. Mentor her without judgement - hard to do but probably what she needs.