[mustangsunny]

My daughter has never met her father. He was not there when she was born. My son, however, met him when we first dated-he was three at the time and so I doubt he remembers him. He is now 11 and my daughter is 7. So my problem is two fold. My son has no contact with his father who was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I have terminated his rights. But it bothers him more being with out a father than she has ever voiced.
Two years ago her father tracked me down via my parent's home. I've always maintained an unlisted number and since switched to cell phones only due to my son's father. So when he called me there it was quite a shock. We spoke a few times but I was just starting a relationship and at the time my daughter was only 4 and I did not think it was a good time for him to come into our lives. That and I was admittedly still very angry that he bailed on us. He emailed a few times he says but I don't remember ever seeing one until I got one from his late this past August. I emailed back. And we started talking on the phone. Surprisingly we are getting along great! Better than great!! I'm not angry anymore and admitted to feeling bad about stopping contact before. And I think we've both just grown up enough to realize that we can still make things work out for the best. We want the same things that we spoke about when I found out I was pregnant before he bailed. He explained that he bailed because of issues with his step father and abuse and has since gone through some thearpy and knows he's made some mistakes but desperately wants to make this work.
I have set some ground rules he has to meet before meeting her and he is fine with that. He isn't working right now so I said get a job. He sold his car, I said get a car. And he's rooming with a friend, I said get your own place. He is working on all those things and has some interviews lined up finally. So we are getting somewhere there. But I still don't know the best way to go about this.
My family has helped me raise both of my kids. When he contacted me a before my mom said whatever I choose to do they would support. But I know there is going to be some anger and resentment there. Like here comes this guy out of no where trying to take over you know? And what do I do about my son? This isn't going to be easy for him and I can't keep the fact that she gets to meet and be with her dad from him. Even though he wants to be just as much a part of my son's life as his daughter's.
We are also working on us, being a couple again and can we be a complete family. I think that we can. Admittedly I'm still leary of him leaving again, but I'm working to get past that as much as possible and he is working on proving I guess you could say that he doesn't want to loose us again. We have spent one night a week the past couple of weeks together and we are having such a great time. We are both much more open with each other than we ever were when we first met and we are having just an amazing time getting to know each other all over again.
Please, any opinions or advice would be great!! I know it's a lot going on in one question but I have no idea how to go about all of this.

[YeloDasy]

If you want my opinion, I would not suggest having a relationship AND meeting your daughter at the same time. If the relationship does not work out, your daughter and son will suffer again. I would build a friendship and if you want him to meet your daughter, then he needs to prove that he is going to be a dad. You need to have communication with the kids, both of them.
I would recommend family counseling, having you go see a counselor, talking about this situation, having them meet your daughter and deciding if she is ready. A therapist can help you communicate with your kids and help them through the confusion.
I would just caution the couple relationship at this point, until the time is right. For the sake of the kids.

[mustangsunny]

Thank you very much for your answer to my question. I agree with you on many accounts. I have spoken with a former early child education counselor who also used to work with teen mothers in our school district who has known my children since birth

[mustangsunny]

And knows our family situation well. I told her father that he needs to speak with her as well and he is more than willing to. We are just trying to work out a time now for this weekend that works for the three of us to meet as he lives a hour

[mustangsunny]

Away from us. I have also thought about a therapist. I'm going to ask my friend when we speak to her what she could recommend. Especially for my son as I'm almost more worried about him than I am my daughter. Thank you so much again!!

[mustangsunny]

Oh, and I think that he and I could benefit from some therapy as well. Although I'm no longer angry, it's more of a trust thing. Do I trust him not to leave? It's getting easier but still it's a lingering thought. Thank you!

[J_9]

Mustangsunny, Please do not use the comments feature to respond to posts. If you scroll down to the Answer box you will find that you can respond with as many words as you want without getting cut off. ;)

[answerme_tender]

Mustang

Okay, I need to play devil advocate here just a minute. I was reading your post and was impressed that you were over your anger and was willing to let your daughters father be part of her life. I even understood the ground rules you were setting. Until I get to the part were you say " we are working on being a couple, being complete family".
Are you letting him back in because your feeling guilty that your son doesn't have a father and this way both of your children will have a father figure.
Also is because you are feeling alttle lonely and overwhelmed with raising two children alone. Or just lonely enough to fall back into an old situation.
I truly wish you the best,but before letting him completely into YOUR family, make sure he completes your list. I would also make sure that you both go to counceling, so you both can understand what each of you expect out this relationship and how to obtain it. Good luck