[Kozyol]

I'm a 24 year old male with one semi-serious heterosexual relationship under my belt. I had not been actively seeking another relationship, believing that most women I would meet would simply not meet my expectations, and that I would eventually by chance meet someone appealing. I recently met someone (21 years old) with whom I would like to continue a possibly long-term relationship. We genuinely like each other; she claims to like me enough that she wants to lose her virginity to me. I'm willing to do it, even though the emotional intimacy means a whole lot more than the actual sex. The problem however, is that anytime we get close I just can't stimulate myself enough to stay hard long enough. I can only stay aroused by having homosexual thoughts.

This is very disturbing to me, because I would really like to have this relationship work, on all fronts. She suspected in the past that I might not be completely straight, and begged me and cried to me (as if it is something I could control) to convince her that I am not homosexual.

My main question is, is it possible for me to condition my brain, perhaps by masturbating alone, to be sexually attracted to her, enough to fulfill her desires? Presently, I have too many homosexual fantasies while masturbating.

Thanks

[beachloverjohn]

You are in self denial, big time. You are what you are, and the best thing for you to do is accept it. You need to be true to yourself. More importantly, you need to be truthful to her. Whether you want to or not, or like it or not, you can never give her what she wants and expects in a long term relationship. What you are feeling is not a condition, sickness, or temporary. It is who you are. So my advice is BE who you are, be yourself.

[beachloverjohn]

And I would also like to add that letting her lose her virginity to you is the worst thing you can do for her. Obviously she is saving herself for a man that she hopes to settle down with. Well that man is not you nor ever will be. So do her a big favor and let her keep her virginity.

[Kozyol]

Why are you so convinced that I'm 100% irreversibly homosexual? If I told you that I fantasize also about prepubescent girls, would you immediately label me as a pedophile, or would you advise me to get immediate help? Perhaps I'm having these homosexual thoughts because males are the only people I was exposed to while growing up, and that I've never had a healthy, normal, heterosexual relationship (or homosexual one, for that matter)?

Anyway, I don't want a homosexual relationship at all; it is only an occasional fantasy, and a wholly sexual one at that.

[Enigma1999]

And i would also like to add that letting her lose her virginity to you is the worst thing you can do for her. Obviously she is saving herself for a man that she hopes to settle down with. Well that man is not you nor ever will be. So do her a big favor and let her keep her virginity.

Yes yes yes! I was going to point that out, but you beat me to the punch.

There is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. You can't help those thoughts.

I just think that maybe you should slow things down with her (I mean mentally). Really figure out what you want first.

I do believe that you care for her a lot, but is it enough?

I also have to add about the virginity part, that this is something special for her, so I wouldn't take that from her, if you are having doubts.

[Enigma1999]

Why are you so convinced that I'm 100% irreversibly homosexual? If I told you that I fantasize also about prepubescent girls, would you immediately label me as a pedophile, or would you advise me to get immediate help? Perhaps I'm having these homosexual thoughts because males are the only people I was exposed to while growing up, and that I've never had a healthy, normal, heterosexual relationship (or homosexual one, for that matter)?

Anyway, I don't want a homosexual relationship at all; it is only an occasional fantasy, and a wholly sexual one at that.

Perhaps it was your verbage. I too got what John got out of your story...

[beachloverjohn]

Why are you so convinced that I'm 100% irreversibly homosexual? If I told you that I fantasize also about prepubescent girls, would you immediately label me as a pedophile, or would you advise me to get immediate help? Perhaps I'm having these homosexual thoughts because males are the only people I was exposed to while growing up, and that I've never had a healthy, normal, heterosexual relationship (or homosexual one, for that matter)?

Anyway, I don't want a homosexual relationship at all; it is only an occasional fantasy, and a wholly sexual one at that.

Yes, I would think that. And yes, I would tell you to get help. But one of those things is illegal and perverted, the other is not. {If thoughts were to lead to actions of course, which is always possible}

I think you should still get some counseling. Not because of your homosexual thoughts, but because you need to find yourself before you can expect to have any kind of healthy relationship, whether straight or gay.

[slapshot_oi]

beachloverjohn and Enigma are both completely right, who you are attracted to is part of your fundamental make up, you can't change that. It's just who you are, that's all.

You can only reinvent yourself down to a certain layer.

[rebeccahstrean]

Well... when I masterbate I have homosexual thoughts... but that doesn't ruin my sex relationship between my boyfriend and I. But he thinks I'm straight and I'm NOT telling him other wise... cause I'm more Lez then I am straight and I don't want to lose hime. So for you do the opposite... when you masterbate think of her more often so you can good a good feel so when you do get aroused with her you can keep it up

[beachloverjohn]

well... when I masterbate I have homosexual thoughts... but that doesn't ruin my sex relationship between my boyfriend and I. But he thinks I'm straight and I'm NOT telling him other wise... cause I'm more Lez then I am straight and I don't want to lose hime. So for you do the opposite... when you masterbate think of her more often so you can good a good feel so when you do get aroused with her you can keep it up

Uh, good advice... I think.

[Kozyol]

First, thanks a lot for the responses. It's good to be able to verbalize my feelings and get different feedback, viewpoints, and perspectives.

I'm aware that my brain currently reacts stronger to certain stimuli more than to others; however, I really do generally feel much more attracted to women in general than to men, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and intimately. And I think rebeccahstrean has a valid point; namely that it's possible to condition my brain to be aroused by my girlfriend.

And no, I'm not in denial; I realize that I *might* be bi/gay, and although I wouldn't be happy with it (I'd like a family with children), I would deal with the facts. However, I really think I am completely straight. (And if I am a little bisexual, is that so bad? I'm probably just a typical extremely horny young male.)

[Enigma1999]

First, thanks a lot for the responses. It's good to be able to verbalize my feelings and get different feedback, viewpoints, and perspectives.

I'm aware that my brain currently reacts stronger to certain stimuli more than to others; however, I really do generally feel much more attracted to women in general than to men, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and intimately. And I think rebeccahstrean has a valid point; namely that it's possible to condition my brain to be aroused by my girlfriend.

And no, I'm not in denial; I realize that I *might* be bi/gay, and although I wouldn't be happy with it (I'd like a family with children), I would deal with the facts. However, I really think I am completely straight. (And if I am a little bisexual, is that so bad? I'm probably just a typical extremely horny young male.)

No, it would not be so bad if you were a little bi. Just let her know, because she may not like it...

I just what to point out that most typical extremely horny men DON'T think about other men. They think about women.

Again though, be yourself and be straight up with her.

[beachloverjohn]

First, thanks a lot for the responses. It's good to be able to verbalize my feelings and get different feedback, viewpoints, and perspectives.

I'm aware that my brain currently reacts stronger to certain stimuli more than to others; however, I really do generally feel much more attracted to women in general than to men, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and intimately. And I think rebeccahstrean has a valid point; namely that it's possible to condition my brain to be aroused by my girlfriend.

And no, I'm not in denial; I realize that I *might* be bi/gay, and although I wouldn't be happy with it (I'd like a family with children), I would deal with the facts. However, I really think I am completely straight. (And if I am a little bisexual, is that so bad? I'm probably just a typical extremely horny young male.)

I have never been attracted to any male, so does that make me abnormal? My definition of a bisexual is someone that can switch back and forth as long as it serves some purpose, and in your case it would be to have a family. My only problem with that is the straight relationship will always be threatened by your gay attractions. And no one is more secretive then the bisexual, because they feel they don't fit into either group, and have a need to be invisible to society. I think to be in a serious relationship, you have to concentrate on the stronger impulses, and learn to harness the other. If you can do this, then you have the best of both worlds. If you can't, then you risk the scorn of both sexes simply because you can't seem to take a stand. Being bisexual is like being a 'fence sitter". But you do seem to have a pretty good handle on it, so your future looks promising.

[Kozyol]

Again though, be yourself and be straight up with her.

We spoke about it, and after I said to her, halfway seriously, "maybe you're right about me being homosexual", she started bawling. I felt so bad that I upset her, she seemed so genuinely hurt, that I didn't pursue it any further. She just made me promise her (as if it was up to me) that I really am not homo. What, if anything, am I supposed to tell her, and how exactly?

[Enigma1999]

Well it sounds as if she has fallen in love with you. So she is in denial herself about you.

That's why I would NOT make love to her. That will only make things wrose for her.

[Synnen]

I have never been attracted to any male, so does that make me abnormal? My definition of a bisexual is someone that can switch back and forth as long as it serves some purpose, and in your case it would be to have a family. My only problem with that is the straight relationship will always be threatened by your gay attractions. And no one is more secretive then the bisexual, because they feel they don't fit into either group, and have a need to be invisible to society. I think to be in a serious relationship, you have to concentrate on the stronger impulses, and learn to harness the other. If you can do this, then you have the best of both worlds. If you can't, then you risk the scorn of both sexes simply because you can't seem to take a stand. Being bisexual is like being a 'fence sitter". But you do seem to have a pretty good handle on it, so your future looks promising.

As a bisexual myself, I have to counter this.

Being bisexual means that you are attracted to BOTH sexes. It doesn't mean you can't decide one from the other--it means that either is equally satisfying for you--mentally, emotionally and sexually.

And most bisexual people I know have NO problem talking about it and admitting it.

And sorry--but homosexuals can and do get married and have families all the time. Maybe not your traditional family, but how the hell is divorced three times or having kids from three other men or three other women traditional, either?

And my definition of "straight" is denying that you're in it for something, too--something that serves a purpose. Bisexuals do not "switch back and forth to serve a purpose" any more than straight people switch partners to serve a purpose.

And though you didn't bring it up, we don't CHEAT any more than straight people, either. Being bisexual means you can have a relationship with EITHER sex--not that you have to have BOTH sexes to be satisfied.

To the OP: I recommend counseling. You need to figure out who you are, and your girlfriend shouldn't be strung along while you do so.

[beachloverjohn]

As a bisexual myself, I have to counter this.

Being bisexual means that you are attracted to BOTH sexes. It doesn't mean you can't decide one from the other--it means that either is equally satisfying for you--mentally, emotionally and sexually.

And most bisexual people I know have NO problem talking about it and admitting it.

And sorry--but homosexuals can and do get married and have families all the time. Maybe not your traditional family, but how the hell is divorced three times or having kids from three other men or three other women traditional, either?

And my definition of "straight" is denying that you're in it for something, too--something that serves a purpose. Bisexuals do not "switch back and forth to serve a purpose" any more than straight people switch partners to serve a purpose.

And though you didn't bring it up, we don't CHEAT any more than straight people, either. Being bisexual means you can have a relationship with EITHER sex--not that you have to have BOTH sexes to be satisfied.

To the OP: I recommend counseling. You need to figure out who you are, and your girlfriend shouldn't be strung along while you do so.

You obviously have a healthy attitude toward your sexuality. And I totally agree with your "text book" definition of bisexual. But in the real world, I just don't think most bisexuals are as open about it as you seem to be. But for sure, the OP is struggling with his sexual orientation or he wouldn't be on this site. And to make matters worse, his "girlfriend" is uncomfortable with it as well, and persoanlly I think that her reaction is typical of most women . So that in itself would cause someone to stay in the closet, but from a woman's point of view, it is unfair to be subjected to the possibility that your competition could be the "man" next door. And whether straight, gay or both, I would be extremely insecure if my significant other stated that he was "your typical extremely horny male who can only be aroused by homosexual fantasies.

[Kozyol]

The only actual history I can reflect on is: 1) one heterosexual, interracial relationship about seven years ago, in which I was never able to be sufficiently aroused in her presence to finish the job. 2) one j.o. session with another dude in the sauna within the last year. That is my entire sexual resume with other humans. How can I possibly draw any meaningful conclusions about my sexuality? It seems to me that the best way to handle this relationship is to take it as it is, give it my best, and see where it goes.

[Enigma1999]

The only actual history I can reflect on is: 1) one heterosexual, interracial relationship about seven years ago, in which I was never able to be sufficiently aroused in her presence to finish the job. 2) one j.o. session with another dude in the sauna within the last year. That is my entire sexual resume with other humans. How can I possibly draw any meaningful conclusions about my sexuality? It seems to me that the best way to handle this relationship is to take it as it is, give it my best, and see where it goes.

Yes but you don't want to mislead this girl. Let me ask you this, you say when you get close to her, you can't stay aroused, right? What exactly does "close" consist of? Kissing, caressing, what?

[Kozyol]

Yes but you don't want to mislead this girl. Let me ask you this, you say when you get close to her, you can't stay aroused, right? What exactly does "close" consist of? Kissing, caressing, what?

I can massage, kiss, and undress while getting hard, then when she's ready and lying naked, and telling me she wants to do it, I somehow manage to lose it by the time I grab the condom. It's very frustrating, because I'm obviously in good physical shape and I really would like to get supremely close to her, but it just seems like there's this mental block that needs reconditioning.