[firstmate]

I have an awful temper and every 4-6 weeks in my long-distance relationship of 8 months, I get so needy, frustrated and unhappy, that I blow my top and my boyfriend (ex?) ends our relationship. He did this most recently a week ago and it has been hell for me. I had the best results from him and for myself while trying no contact, but I struggle to make it work. Chiefly, that's because I don't want to lose the chance of closure, because if this is really the end, it will hurt a lot and, being in my mid-30s (so I should be more mature and controlled, I know!) I am having trouble imagining the future without him. The distance means I need to be clear as plans for the future are not simple. Not sure if NC attempt is just my fooling myself he'll come back when I seem less needy or indeed if NC is too high-risk a strategy for a LDR across a 5-hour time difference, plagued with enough communication issues as is without my adding games and confusion. It's really affecting my health in the way described in 'What to expect' - eating, hygiene, job, self esteem and sleeping. The NC phase is killing me; I'm too old for these games and want to know for sure.

[talaniman]

How about working on yourself and your future without him, and maybe he will want a chance with the new improved you. Its real simple, he will tire of going through the same crap over, and over again, and just give up on you. Who wouldn't?

Conquer your demons, and get your act together. Those games you are to old for, start with you, so they have to end with you also! What are you going to do? Break NC, beg him to come back with promise of changing?

He probably has heard that one before.

[firstmate]

Thank you, Talaniman. Tough words. Where he contacts me though, I always reply. I don't promise him change as, like others, I'm always 'under construction' and notice the intervals between my outbursts lengthening. Something in me though feels like this 'conditional love' (as it feels like) may not be for me. It's wonderful to have the challenge to be the best self I can be, but for a love relationship today, a partner would probably have to be able to stand me as I am. I'm not asking him to do that. Your more optimistic scenario where I conquer my demons is not an easy one to demonstrate across 3000 miles, without contact. But when he contacts me and it is unclear whether we are involved or not involved, it's hard to strike the right tone. One day at a time, I suppose. Working on myself means I'm not in a hurry to look elsewhere for crutches or to establish progress to him. Again, thank you. Not just for the reply, but for the comfort that your words and those of others offer to the self-indulgent insomniacs of 'Breakupsville'.

[dhuber]

It sounds like you are trying to build an ideal relationship out of something that is making you unhappy. There are people me included that cannot have a LDR and be happy (no matter what guy it is). Some people just are not cut out for the sporadic contact, the on again off again quality of it, and the minimal time together. So the two of you are at a crossroads. YOu either have to work it out together with a higher commitment level or let it go. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy. Especially you. I know you think that a relationship that is comfortable is better than no relationship but that is not true. Make a decision and your temper and other problems may get better. Can you go out and see what you are missing?