[YeloDasy]

I went on a first date about 2 months ago and have only talked on the phone once in between then and now. We are going on a second date tonight. He is a nice guy and I want to get to know him better. BUt I do have some barriers. On the first date, he was overstepping a few boundaries. He was sitting really close, he held my hand, he scratched my back when sitting near me, etc. We know mutual people and were set up, so maybe he was trying to show me respect or wanted me to like him. (My brother and sister in law work with his mom and are good friends) I just felt like it was too much for a first date. I do think he is a nice guy and I like him. But I have reservations because I do not want to feel uncomfortable by feeling pressure or having my boundaries crossed. I want to relax and enjoy myself without wondering if he is going to do something. Any advice?

A little background... I have only been single for about 4 months, which I have only recently accepted the loss. I do not think this has anything to do with my boundaries on my first date, I just know I can easily be turned off right now, and I want to give this guy a chance. I just do not want his "touchy feely" personality push me away. He seems to be planning something secretive, too.Possibly haunted house? He is putting a lot of effort into these dates, and I just want to have more casual dates.

Let me know thoughts! Thanks!

[beachloverjohn]

You have been on one date, and you have every right to expevt him to keep his distance until you give him a green light for something more. That might not even happen on the second or third date. You move at your pace not his. If he likes you, he will respect you and your boundaries. Having said that, I would not hold his actions against him, as I don't believe he showed any disrespect. It is just important that he understands that you like to move very slowly, and not to take your caution or casualness as a sign that you are not interested. If he pushes you too quickly, then that is a different story. But give it a chance, and try to relax. He sounds like a nice guy..

[YeloDasy]

How do I tell him? Wait until he does something that makes me uncomfortable? Or tell him before hand? I do not want to come across as unappreciative or not interested.

[Fr_Chuck]

Explain to him up front,

I will ask what country and culture you are from. And is he from the same,

And of course you are free to have and want your boundries. But sitting close, holding hands and even a kiss is almost normal on a first date where I am at, A girl would be insulted and most likely think I was not interested if I did not do some of the things you are saying no.

So be sure that he is on the same culture beleifs.

[beachloverjohn]

You tell him during your next date. Try expalining to him that you want to take things slowly, and that he doesn't take that the wrong way. Explain to him that you are not going to jump into another relationship until you are ready, but you do hope he will be patient with you. You also let him know, in a nice way, that if he is not willing to go at your pace, then you will understand and hope he understands that you won't be able to see him anymore. Believe me, this guy will not only respect you more, he will be as tame as a kitten.

[beachloverjohn]

One more thing. What is normal for some is not always the same for others. When I was younger, I was the one that could been insulted if my advances were met with opposition. Except I would never expect anything more then a friendly peck, and considered the night successful if I walked away with a second date. Doesn't mean I didn't try, but I certainly did not expect to be holding hands on the first date. Fr Chuck must have been some Casanova in his day.

[YeloDasy]

I guess I should add this was a blind date, I had never met him before. And in sitting close, I mean he was touching my leg, leaning against me, holding my arm as he talked, kind of smothered. Don't forget, scratching my back! Haha Yes sounds nice, but touching my arm and touching my leg when I just met him 30 minutes prior. Haha I was a little afraid to look him the eyes. I am a pretty shy person. And Chuck, we are both Caucasian American.
When I talked to others about your age, they say the same thing, it was normal to expect all that on a first date. This guy has only called me once since our last date 2 months ago, so it seems akward to be smothered when he doesn't not talk to me much. I feel like we should be friends and see where it goes... not only because we do not know each other well, but we know mutual people and being friends will be helpful later if it ends up being casual, we will run into each other at some point, Im sure.

[beachloverjohn]

Fr_Chuck finds this helpful : hey I am from that 60;s and 70's, but from raising 4 grown boys, holding hands while walking somewhere was almost a have to, the girls were insulted if they did not

Well this has been a rude awakening for me. Maybe these girls I went out with just didn't like me. Gee I never thought of that.

Seriously yelodaisy, the important thing is that you communicate with each other. And let things flow naturally. And if fr chuck {an expert and a man of the cloth} is telling you it is all right, then I for one would believe him.

[YeloDasy]

Thanks you guys! I will have to keep you updated. We are supposed to be going out tonight, but I have not heard from him. I texted his earlier asking if he made plans and he said Yes he will call me after work. It is almost 6pm. Not sure where we are going, what time, and what to wear. Hhmmmm...
Well, thanks for the comments... I am probably worrying too much. I will let you know and maybe ask your advice for the next date! Haha

[beachloverjohn]

I guess I should add this was a blind date, I had never met him before. And in sitting close, I mean he was touching my leg, leaning against me, holding my arm as he talked, kinda of smothered. DOnt forget, scratching my back! haha Yes sounds nice, but touching my arm and touching my leg when I just met him 30 minutes prior. haha I was a little afraid to look him the eyes. I am a pretty shy person. And Chuck, we are both Caucasian American.
When I talked to others about your age, they say the same thing, it was normal to expect all that on a first date. This guy has only called me once since our last date 2 months ago, so it seems akward to be smothered when he doesnt not talk to me much. I feel like we should be friends and see where it goes.... not only because we do not know each other well, but we know mutual people and being friends will be helpful later if it ends up being casual, we will run into each other at some point, Im sure.

You didn't mention the touching the leg part in your first post, so that might be pushing it a bit. And there is also the possibility that you simply are not attracted to him. You don't have to like everyboy you date. Just ask some of my former dates.. That is not an exclusive club.

[Fr_Chuck]

No did not say it was already, ( evil touching,) ( kissing only after married for a year) >>>LOL

But cultures are different, I had assumed middle eastern

I have dated many times though out life, I am widowed twice and divorced once. But I have had to tell girls to slow down, many wanted me to sleep over after third or forth date

But often a first date may be a walk in a park and it was almost always holding hands. I had two ask if I was gay because I did not kiss them good night or try to sleep with them on the first date.

But that really does not matter, because it is what you feel is right for YOU. That is all that matters, but honestly let him know that is how you are,

I consider myself a very moral person, but you would have considered me a pervert most likely.

[YeloDasy]

Thanks for that. I think I just don't want to have to put up walls... I have slept over at someone's house after a 3rd date, just sleeping though! I am not stand offish, just don't like to be uncomfortable. So he just called me. I think I am just not comfortable around him at all, I am not really excited to go. He asked me where I wanted to eat, and I said I had not thought about it, and he said "you dont eat food?" haha He makes it seem like I am always busy, but he works 70 hours a week and a single dad. He also says a lot "I am bad at flirting." I feel like I am reassuring him all the time. Oh well, I am going to go get ready and let you all know when I get back how it went! :)

[Fr_Chuck]

The main key to dating, and any relationship is communication.
You and he are not mind readers, you should not be upset for him doing something he may feel OK, if you have not told him.

And the same, if you want to go to a specific place, say so, don't say "I don't care" ** those words should be illegal in dating.

[beachloverjohn]

Thanks for that. I think I just dont want to have to put up walls... I have slept over at someones house after a 3rd date, just sleeping though! I am not stand offish, just dont like to be uncomfortable. So he just called me. I think I am just not comfortable around him at all, I am not really excited to go. He asked me where I wanted to eat, and I said I had not thought about it, and he said "you dont eat food?" haha He makes it seem like I am always busy, but he works 70 hours a week and a single dad. He also says a lot "I am bad at flirting." I feel like I am reassuring him all the time. Oh well, I am going to go get ready and let you all know when I get back how it went! :)

I for one am anxious to hear how you make out {no pun intended}. It really doesn't sound very promising, if I'm being honest, but who knows. You can't go by me.

The last date I had the girl said to me... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

[YeloDasy]

HAHA. Love it!

[YeloDasy]

CHuck, I agree. Those works are not good. I just did not know any places to eat in the area he said we were going. He did not like that. Haha