[rebeccahstrean]

I lost my mom in June this year. She committed suicide. I don't know how to really deal with it and my boyfriend isn't really helping me. I tried talking to church ladies but I can't cause I think sometimes what they told my mom is why my mom done it. I also I want to blame myself and my family. I have accepted the fact that she's gone but I havent' accepted the fact that I can't talk to her like I use to. I can't accept the fact that its never going to be the same. I can't accept the fact that I don't want to have fun cause I feel bad knowing that her last days or months were misserable. What do I do? She was really the only person that really cared about me and now that she's gone I'm alone basically. I have really no family. I talk to my dad but that's only 5 minutes a month I talk to him. My boyfriend tells me to just get over it cause he did when his dad died. I don't really know,. If she was here she would give me good adivce. But she's not here which is why I'm on this site.

[JudyKayTee]

Death is so very difficult to deal with - suicide just makes it that much worse.

I am so sorry for your loss. I was widowed and I found that unless someone had actually been widowed they could not give me helpful advice or even understand. I suspect that as hard as I try to help you I don't understand all that you are going through.

You have to find a way to get peace. Maybe it's talking to a professional, maybe it's religion, maybe it's simply time.

As far as your boyfriend - well, everyone handles grief in a different manner. I'm sure he means well. What helped him may not help you.

There really is no "getting over it." It will stay with you forever but it does get easier.

I know I had enormous survivor's guilt - why was he dead and I was alive? Could I have done something different? Didn't I realize how sick he was? You might be beating yourself up and the facts of what happened will never change.

I know what you mean about enjoying yourself. The first time I laughed after my husband died I felt enormous, enormous guilt, I felt that I was betraying him somehow, I went home and cried and cried.

I'm so sorry that you are so alone. Do you have any friends you can talk to? I found all I needed was someone to listen. You have to get the pain and questions out - often you have to tell them to someone over and over.

There is no blame here. Your mother simply wanted out of this life. One of my very best friends committed suicide some years ago, leaving two small children. I actually had lunch with her that last day, knew she was sad, had no idea if she was (and she may not have been) depressed. I questioned what I should have/could have noticed. The fact is that for whatever reason she wanted out of this life and nothing and no one could have stopped her.

I hope you find peace.

If you want to talk more about your Mom, remember her, "we" are all good listeners and you are totally anonymous.

Would you like to share about her, your memories, what she liked to do, things like that?

We'd love to hear about her.

[Fr_Chuck]

We each deal with grief and lost of a love one differently.
And yes talking to others or someone will help a lot for most people. So if you can't talk to the "church ladies" I am sure all the "church ladies" are not the same, some more loving and caring than others. But the pastor is often open to talk. And friends should be there also.

Next no one is really to blame, a person kills theirself because of a mental issue that they were not able to deal with or did not get help with. So on one causes it, not the church ladies and not you.

Next no it will never be the same, I lost my mom a year ago last June, I could be bitter, she died the day before an appointment with her attorney to change her will, it would have been 100's of thousands of dollars to me if she had lived one more day. And I was to see her that weekend.
I talked to her every day, normally as I drove around the city.
I still miss that talk, I look at my phone and know there is no one to call and talk about things like I did with her.
It still after a year brings a tear to my eye missing that connection we had.

So you miss her, you honor her memory but you do keep living out of respect for what she would have wanted for you also

[rebeccahstrean]

So someone told me to write about my mom on here... well here it goes...
She was really sweet. She wouldn't let me do anything but stay at home with her cause she didn't want me to get hurt. I used to do her hair, make up, help her driess.. We used to go to the creek together and go swimming. We used to feed the ducks at the pond. We used to go for long walks and sometimes go hiking. We used to sit up and night and just talk. I wasn't really ever close to my mom till the last year before she had died. She became crazy and I hated her. I NEVER wanted anything to do with her. But A year before she died I called her everyday, I got really close to her. The last couple of weeks she asked me for a place to live up here in WA and I couldn't cause I live in a 1 bed room apartment with my boyfriend. So I felt really bad. We used to go shopping together, and I saved her from my dad once when I was 16... I felt proud of my slef for that. She had really pretty blue eyes (thats where I got mine:)) But yeah She was loving and caring. She loved babies! She would see one and just flip! OMG look SOOOOOO CUTE! Lol She loved cats to... She always had at least one. She would always take care of all the neighbor cats and even the wild ones (of couse not like huge cats but yeah). She had curly hair and it was natural... I use to pull on her ringletts and call her shirly temple. Lol We used to clean together... and we loved the same music! She always tried to point me in the right direction. She was strict but I was her only girl. She didn't like my boyfriend that I have now. She told me it would never work out... well... maybe that's true. I finally got a inch taller than her lol she was 5'1 and 3 16ths and I am 5'2 and 3 16ths lol. She used to tell me that I looked like my dad but I new better. I look exactly like my mom except I have straight hair and I dye it sometimes. We used to watch I love Lucy together and Law and order, and Leave it to beaver and many other ones. OK... I'm crying no more. For those of you who wanted to know here you go. Please don't answer or comment on this cause I'm going to just put it on here for you guys.:) have a good one Becca

[JudyKayTee]

I'm the one who asked you to share about your mother and I'm going to take the liberty of answering you.

It sounds like you had an honest mother/daughter relationship with ups and downs and all the other stuff that we all have in our family relationships.

I LOVED the part about you finally getting an inch on her.

You have made her so real - the part about cats, makes her so human.

Again - I'm so sorry.

[rebeccahstrean]

I'm sorry to. Thanks for being here for me I really appreciate it. You're a good person:):)

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks - but I'm just a person who lost somebody she loved so I know what it's like to hurt and grieve and have regrets.

[rebeccahstrean]

I'm sorry about your loss! I really am! Thanks again

[88sunflower]

Rebecca I can relate to suicide. I am responding to this because strange enough my experience was 19 years ago this week. I feel I need to tell you.

My brother shot himself. Its not the same as a parent doing it but I feel the range of emotions are still going to be there to a point. I will tell you how I felt and you may also think these things.

I would dream about him. They were so real. Like he was reaching out to me. Then when I woke up it hurt even more. I lay there and cried. I would drive down the road and I was sure I passed him in a car. Then my mind would wander that maybe he was just running from life and is really alive and I just saw him. Maybe he just was starting a new life some place else. People do that right? Then I hated him for it. I hated him for a long time for what he had done. Especailly after my parents had already buried one son. Then I thought he was a coward. A coward for not asking for help or talking to us. But I am sure there were signs we just didn't see. My family is not close. We never would notice if another was hurting. We would never reach out for help because we wouldn't get the love we needed from each other. I think about him every single day. I think about his two daughters. Its been 19 years and every day he is on my mind at one point or another in the day.Your going to sit and wonder why she made that choice. He left a 3 page letter. It was obvious why he made his choices. Back then it hit me hard. I drank a lot and never stopped to this day really. But that's when it started. I blocked it out. I chose alcohol as my crutch to get on with life and over it.

After all these years I learned more to the story. Imagine finally coming to grips with it and then you hear all these facts and it hits you again. Why didn't I know this? There were 2 witnesses. One being his wife. She dared him to do it. Said he didn't have the b@lls to as he was loading his gun. Then a babysitter was there and she saw it all. She is now in another state and has not spoken a word of it to this day. She asked for a copy of the letter. My sister just mailed it to her within the last 6 months. But she has not opened it and read it yet. She holds all the answers that night and even she can't talk about it.

Its so hard rebecca and it will haunt you the rest of your life. But I have also learned that its an illness, depression or whatever else causes these thoughts of taking your own life. I think it was Judy that said if she wanted out of life she was going to do it no matter what and I agree. I learned what works for me is talking and talking more. I feel good talking right now about it and its been nearly 2 decades gone by. You can't dwell on it. You can't change it. For that I am sorry more then you know. I will listen to you. I don't care if you repeat the same things over and over. PM me. Email me. Call me. I am on Facebook. Whatever you need to do I can listen. Write it out and mail it my way. I will write back.

I do feel as far as your other thread your not getting the support you need from your boyfriend. He is cold hearted to not be there for you in this time. You don't just tell someone to get over it. I feel you need to just get over him. Please try counseling. What will it hurt?

[rebeccahstrean]

Thank you 88 SUNFLOWER that really meant a lot to me. Something's are happening to me and its hard to explain. Like I will be sitting here on the couch reading, watching a movie, or on my lap top and my mind just wonders to certain things before she died. Like she was going to church but the only reason she was is because she lived with my brother that was really mean to her and he would force her to go so the church could give them money to pay bills on and stuff like that. Another one is like I've had this thing... my brother found her standing by the tree in the back yard and he didn't even try to save her even knowing it was to late. If that would've been me I would've cut her down and tryied CPR and just lay there next to her and cry and NOT get up. He didn't do that. And yesturday I had this feeling like 2 weeks before she died she wanted to come live with me and not my abusive brother so I told her no that I had to room for her. That was selfish of me cause I didn't even ask my boyfriend. Even though we live in a 1 bed room apartment I still didn't ask. And Now out of the middle of no where my mind thought about that yesturday and when that happened I got hot all over my body, I felt my heart just THUMP against my chest and I stood up and the feeling was gone.
Someone told me to find something to fill in that empty void that she left me but I'm not going to do that cause its wrong. That was my mother and even though she put me through hell sometimes and I use to hate her I got close to her finally and then she died. And now I'm scared to get close to anyone cause I might lose them. I don't talk to my dad because I always talked to her either before or after talking to him. And it makes me relize that I can't anymore.
When my mom first died I couldn't believe it. I kept telling myself that she was goi9ng to comeback and call me and tell me everything is OK.But it never happened. I got over that stage.
Now my main thing is closer. I'm the type of person I have to have closer no matter what. Like when I lost my best friend... (she didn't want to be my friend anymore) so I had to go over to her hosue and say good bye cause I knew I wouldn't be able to get over it. But I did cause I went over there. I can't go to my moms funeral cause I don't know where she is and neither does most of my family. My 2nd oldest brother knows cause he has her ashes but he won't tell anyone anything. He put a restraining order on me cause he wouldn't give me my moms wedding rings my dad gave to her so I took him to court and I finally got him but the restaining order is still in contact. I might not ever know where she's buried and that hurts me even more cause I won't ever get my closer. I have her wedding rings and that all I got for now.
I'm sorry this is so long its just that I really have no one to talk to and I don't have medical insurance or anytning and I'm trying to talk aobut this... But I don't really like it cause it hurts me more.
When I was younger I would do drugs and drink when something bad happened that it numbed me. But I've been sober for 4 years now off everything. And I attend to stay that way. The reason why I brought this up cause I'm not used to dealing with things sober... and its really hard. This is the first main thing that I have to deal with sober. I'm trying really hard and I just tell myself I'm not going to go down that path anymore. I'm on the right track I know that.
Its hard for me to sleep at night cause I just don't want to . I don't know why I just don't.
Well again I'm sorry.
I don't know how to PM or what ever but Sunflower if you want my number I will give it to you. Thanks everyone I really appreciate it:)
]

[88sunflower]

Don't feel like you need thank me. I know what your feeling. Suicide leaves so many open ended questions. I can already see it in you from this post. Its not like cancer, which I have lost loved ones to that also. Cancer you know the end is coming. My dad has alzhiemers and I know what to expect. Granted it all hurts the same in a sense but you know what's happening. Suicide happens and then your left wondering why and who is to blame.

Don't ever blame yourself. I am guessing you didn't have the best family life. Right or wrong? You can't look back at the "what if my brother did this" "what if I was there for that" because you didn't know. Unless she shouted her pain in your face and screamed to the world she needed help you didn't know just like the ones around you. She had her mission and it was going to happen for her no matter what.

My thing that hurt was my brother and I were going to go out that next night. Friday night him and I were at my sisters house. I had been there babysitting. They got home and we were sitting there talking. At the time I was only old enough to go out in Canada. I live a few minutes from the border so I was there every weekend at the clubs. He decided he was going to go with me that next night. I was thinking how "awesome" that was that my older brother was going to go with me. I was so excited. Saturday morning I am sleeping and I hear my sisters voice downstairs "mom Vaughn is dead he shot himself" I heard footsteps up the stairs. They were coming to get me. I thought it was a dream. I hated him for that. I hated him for taking away what he could have gave me that night. I hated him for hurting us all. I hated him for leaving behind a 2 and 4 year old girls. I hated him for the emotional roller coaster my family and I have been on the last 19 years. Yes we still dwell on it. We still wonder and talk of it. I hated thinking he was sitting at the table with us that night knowing what he was going home to do. Had I known...

My point with that is I have learned no matter what its done. You can't point fingers. You can't blame yourself, your brother, your father or the next person. She is the one that made that choice to take her life. She is the one who had that illness at the time. Did she by chance leave a letter? This could explain some things on how she was feeling at that time. You can't blame yourself for not letting her live with you because you did not know what was to come. I have a feeling living with you was not going to stop what was planned to happen.

Things are going to keep happening to you. Your going to have constant reminders of her and thoughts and memories. Be happy that you can keep her alive that way. Do not dwell on the would have, could have or should have done... you won't get any place but deeper in pain. There is nothing now that can change it.

Don't ever worry about filling that empty void. She was your mother. You loved her and nothing can replace that. I am sorry if that statement hurt but it is what it is. I still feel the void 19 years later. It never leaves. Closure? When you find it let me know. Closure to me hasn't arrived yet. But you feel comfortable in a sense when you learn to understand it wasn't anyone's fault and it was a choice she made.

Why does your brother have a restraining order if you don't mind me asking?

[rebeccahstrean]

Yeah I didn't have a good or even a semi-good child hood. I didn't have one at all. The thing about shouting her pain was that she's tried it before. I saved her one time... she was going to slit her wrist right in front of me and I stopped her. It was selfish of me to stop her and I relize that now but when it happened I wanted her and I still do and that's selfish of me. Yeah I'm REALLY sorry about your loss. That would be hard to! I'm Kind of close to one of my brothers and I can't imagine losing him. You two were close uh? Yeah I didn't hate my mom for what she did... I understood right away she did what she did... I'm NOT saying that it was the right thing to do, Im just saying that I understand what she was feeling and so I never really was mad. I'm not mad that she left us the way she did... yeah I miss her and she's putting me through a lot right now... but at least its me suffering and not her anymore. That's how you should look at it with your brother. Something was bothering him... for him not wanting to live anymore... and at least you know that that thing can never bother him again. Yeah you and your family and his friends love him and is sad... But I try to look at the bighter side... maybe that's what's wrong with me... but it might help you and your family also. (just a thought.) NO SHE DIDN'T LEAVE A LETTER. She deleted all of her contacts out of her phone though and she just did it. She texted me at 1:37 AM that morning and said "Here is your aunts number call her if you ever need anyone to talk to I love you." I called her and called her and called her that day. No answer. I was doing the dishes... my boyfriend was gone and so I was alone. Out of the middle of no where I get a call and it was my dad: "Your mom is dead" I said what? He said" Your moms dead" I broke the plate and fell to my knees. I went to a walk to a catholic church (it was the closest thing around) I called my boyfreind and told him. That's how that day went.
Two of my brothers raped me when I was younger. The one that has a restraining order on me is cause I told his new wife and his new mother in law what he did to me and he texted me some REALLY bad things and I still have them but he said I was harassing him so I have a restraining order on him. His new mother in law is a Sheriff and use to be a judge so they are all on his side. The thing that gets me is I live in WA state and he lives in CO. IDK... weird... but hey it takes all types to make the world go around. So he took my moms ashes and dissappered. We don't know if she was buried or not or if she was we don't know where. And I looked my moms name up in Google.com and ITS ALL WRONG. She didn't die in Apache Junction AZ she died in Camp Verde AZ and I don't know where the Google got that but its WRONG.

[88sunflower]

Where do you think it was selfish of you to stop your mother from slitting her wrists? In no way is that selfish. She is your mother and you love her. Of course your going to stop her. Of course your going to help her go on. Its not selfish of you to want her or need her. That's what parents are for. That's one thing you truly need to work on. Love is not selfish.

I know my brother is happier now but I still hold resentment for his choices. We knew why he did it from his letter. It was in black and white. Three pages say a lot.

Your brother has a restraining order on you? Or you have one on him.

Your brothers raped you? Did your parents know?

[rebeccahstrean]

I think its selfish because she wanted out so she didn't want to live in pain and fear anymore. I was selfish to make her do that till she did it and I had no control over it. My mom didn't leave a note but we all know why she did it and most of us don't blame her for it. But even now if she were alive I'd take the blade away from her to even knowing that she would be suffering. She's talked to therapist, she was on pills, she just couldn't get better. That's why I think it was and is selfish of me... I don't know... maybe I'm wrong but its my though process. Yeah I agree how you resent your brother. I would to mine of my fav. One did it.
My brother is the one having a restraining order on me for "Harassment"
I don't know
Yeah my mom knew that both of my brothers were doing it to me but she never told my dad... so I did... I had to talk to a dective and they were going to put them away but my mom said no.
The boys were her favorite, however she loved me very much and I know that.

[californiababy]

I have also lost my mom,
First thing don't blame yourself, I'm sure she didn't want to leave you this way just felt that this was best for you.
Just focus on the good times, When you were growing up , parties, Birthday, Days out it really does help.
Also try and look through old photos of you and your mom.
Another step is opening up to someone about how you feel about it.
These are just a few simple ways to help with grief :)
Good luck hope this helps x

[rebeccahstrean]

Thanks