[wonderlife]

All those things you feel are normal after breaking up with someone you really care about. You feel lost, fear, upset, anxious, lonely, worthless. You want to call her and contact her most of the time. You keep visiting the past, analyse it, and hope you can change it. You just can't even accpet the breakup and can't imagine life without her. You even want to cry out and wonder how can you survive.

It's the way I used to feel and I think it's the way most people feel when facing with this situation. I can't tell you when it will go away, when will you totally heal, and be happy again. It takes time and it varies from one to another. It may take months or even a year, I just can't tell you.

What I can tell you is ACCEPT THAT IT'S OVER. It's normal to think about her, to still feel so painful, to still wants to break NC, and feel so upset. But please stay focus on the fact that she no longer wants to be in the relationship with you and how can you be happy if you have to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Sometimes feelings change and there's nothing we can do to change or force someone to be the same person we want them to be.

GO NC for your own healing, of course you will still feel the pain and will still think about it, but STAY STRONG, DON'T GIVE UP, TRY TO FOCUS ON YOUR LIFE, AND DO WHATEVER ACTIVITIES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY (ANYTHING THAT'S NOT RELATED TO HER ). When you think about her, try to divert your minds and do something else. It won't go away in a month or two, but always stay positive and focus on you. It will get better and better and it will fade away when time goes by.

[the_original]

Sorry to hear about your loss bro. Like everyone else though I'm going to tell you NC was the way to go. I don't exactly know why, but most ex gf's around our age do the random text/fb msg/phone call. Got to ignore them, and re teach yourself that at this point what she does is irrelevant. And stick with NC for a while, I'm telling you from experience you make it harder if you don't take the time to heal properly.

[awayandalone]

Thanks original! Always reassuring to hear from someone who's experienced it and can vouch that it works, even if it does take time. Been doing a lot of things for myself. Kind of proud of myself today I was able to get out and run a 5k after not having run in like 3 years and was still able to complete it around 25 minutes. So that's been my big confidence boost for the day. Well that and the awesome girl I met today who ran with me. :)

[awayandalone]

Im not sure if I have mentioned this yet or not, but lately the anxiety I'm going through seems to keep getting worse. The only thing I can think to compare it too would be like a smoker who tries to quit but constantly feels the urge to smoke again. Is this normal? Every day that I have a high/or good mood it always seems to be followed by a really low and lousy day, simply because I start getting sad that I didn't get to share my good day with her like I used to. I'm going on 2 weeks of NC but Friday is what would be our 2 year anniversary and frankly I'm nervous about what kind of emotional wreck I might become. I'm even more nervous about it because it's the last weekend I could get off work to visit home before peak season and I'm visiting friends at our school. I'm not telling her I'm coming, not planning on seeing her, but I really don't know what will happen if I see her. I haven't seen her in about 2 months since before she broke up with me. Id like to think I've made a lot of progess and somedays really don't think about her at all, if not a passing thought. I don't know maybe I shouldn't go home, as much as I want to be, I know I'm not over her, and she's been so cold and done some harsh things since the break up, so I know I should have a fairly easy time letting go, but I haven't.

Sorry guess I'm kind of venting my worries in this one. Hope that's OK, any suggestions on what to do if I see her would be helpful? I know to be civil but other than that I'm at a loss.

[Homegirl 50]

What you are feeling is normal, it will take time. You can make an appointment with a counselor or someone from Church or what ever religious institution you my belong to, Just to talk to someone to help sort through your feelings give you some tools to get past this.
I hope you have ceased keeping up with what she does where she goes who she talks to.
If you see her, speak if she speaks to you but don't carry on a conversation and don't go out of your way to see her.
Are you keeping busy doing other things?

[awayandalone]

Hopefully ill be doing that next week. I've been looking through various support groups at the local church near me and I think that would help a lot.
Yes, I no longer know anything about who she is with or where she has been. Inside it hurts not knowing those things but I'm understanding its better for me not to know those things. Ive been trying to keep busy, I bike ride regularly have a few friends where I'm at who I see maybe once or twice a week and I'm talking with friends back home fairly regularly, and hopefully ill be taking up a bartending class soon. Like I said though keep busy is great, it's the dreams/nightmares that don't seem to stop and the days after I've had a good day and can't share my good news with her that I start to feel down again. We broke up over a month ago now but I still feel this constant need to share things with her, I used to share everything with her and now to have broken that off gives me this feeling of always have a weight on my chest.

[Homegirl 50]

I understand, but it is normal. Those times will be fewer and further in between.
In the meantime when you need to vent, we are here.

[answerme_tender]

My ex and I have been broken up for over a year, of course I didn't put the No contact rules in place until couple of months ago. He would still send emails, trying to use me as his other option. Any way I still think about him, but I can also say that its getting easier.

[awayandalone]

Wow even after a year its just starting to get easier. I've never sent emails to make her feel like an option, more so to show her she's all I want and need... maybe that's what I shouldn't have done never emailed in the first place. Guess its too late now and ill never know.

Thank you homegirl. I am glad I found this site as a place to vent, everyone here as been very helpful.

[wonderlife]

You keep hoping that she should let you know, she should talk to you, she should at least try to work things out with you before making final decision to end it. You feel it's totally unfair to you. Yeah... maybe it's the best if people treat each other with more respect and give us a chance. But in the real world, it just doesn't work that way.

What I'm trying to say here is that she is who she is and her mind doesn't work the same way as you. In many cases, when you lost feelings towards someone for whatever reasons, it means you just don't love and don't want to be with them anymore. You start feeling it one day and day by day the feelings grow stronger. In this case, are you going to try to work things out with them when the feelings just not there anymore? Yeah some people might try to talk and communicate, but most people (including your ex) might only focus on finding a way to escape and break it off with you. Yeah... it's not fair, right? But what can you do about it to change their minds or the way they deal with the situation?

She made it so clear that she no longer wants you. But so what? Don't take it personally as sometimes people just want different things in life and change their minds. Only she doesn't want you to be a part of her life anymore, it does not make you a loser or make you any less at all. I feel the same way, I used to think that "OMG I love this guy so much I give him everything, why didn't he value it and dumped me and not even treated me right?" Then I just came to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do to make anyone feel or not feel certain things. Therefore, if your ex doesn't see, cherish, and appreciate the person you are, it'd better just to let her go so that you can find someone who does in the future. This is what I believe as well. It's useless and hurt to want someone who doesn't want you or someone who's not able to love you as much as you love them.

You shouldn't just jumping and reacting by contacting her every time there's something happening: see her text, see the missing albums, see her emails, see her missed calls, see her calls, or whatever. Why do you still care anyway? I know you do still care and that's why you did what you did. But when we tell you to do NC and focus on living your life happily, it's in order to help you moving on without her in your life. Please make sure you understand clearly why NC is needed. And if you agreed to do it, please try to stick to it as much as you can. I think you know how it feels after breaking NC for several times now.

This is how I do NC:
1) I changed all numbers he ever knew: mobile, home, cell, whatever I can think of (so no way I can see his calls and texts). I also didn't let mutual friends knew my new numbers as well.
2) Blocking --- All Emails, FB, MSN, all social networks that has him. I blocked all mutual friends as well. Luckily that they are not close friends of mine so I don't have to care.
3) I deleted all photos, emails, sms, messages, that I sent to him and that he sent me. Hundreds of them all gone.
4) I dumped all his stuffs he gave in the bin. I dumped whatever that reminded me of him.
5) I never go to places I think I might accidentally meet him.
6) I evaluated any other possibilities that might make me and him come across in the future and I do my best to make sure it never going to happen.

I spent about two weeks until I finished doing all the above but I went NC since day one he broke up with me and I never break it. And when it's all done, I just couldn't believe myself and all those things I did automatically kept me away from him up until now. It's about 6 months since my breakup in April and NC's not my issue anymore. I know it sounds such an extreme measure but I just get enough (of hurt and pain). Loving him was not even relevant after being used, being lied to, being treated like craps more of the time and finally being dumped in the most disgusting way.

Finally, I can tell you one thing "She's not the only one you are going to love". There's nothing to be ashamed of that someone just doesn't feel the same way you do. Being rejected is normal and you have to learn to deal with the pain.

[awayandalone]

thank you wonderlife, you summed up a lot of what I've been feeling. I know I can't change her mind,and I guess trying to work things out with her would be pointless because she has clearly lost all feelings. It would be a one sided relationship and id probably end up more unhappy than I am currently.

a friend told me something this weekend that made a lot of sense. I know I love her and I know I wanted to be happy with her, but my friend pointed out at this point it's the routine I miss. And in a way I think he's right, she was smart and beautiful and made me feel special, but I miss the routine, having someone to call in the morning at night, someone to love, the security in knowing one person thought I was special enough to love.

I'm sorry to hear your ex didn't treat you right. No one deserves to go through that.

I do understand the reasons for NC and have learned from my breaks in it how important it is to my healing. Each day that goes by with out contact gets a little bit easier. I wish I knew why I still care when I hear from her or something about her, I know its very clear she has moved on already and I should let go and I'm really trying to. I've re connected with old friends, made a few new friends and trying to keep myself busy as much as I can. Its still those small moments when I'm alone, or before I go to bed and wake up when I think about her and wonder if she still thinks about me. I know I shouldn't have those thoughts and know those are the ones that are holding me from really moving on, but those are the hardest thoughts to get through.

thank you for your tips on getting though NC. Most of the steps on your list I have done already, haven't changed my phone number yet as I don't know if I can do something that drastic yet, and all of the things I have from her I've only thrown in a box and returned to my parents house to put it in the basement, so its out of my place but not gone completely.

I am sick of the hurt and pain I'm going through. I know she's not my last love as I've gone through relationships and break ups before, and those I got over in a few weeks. This one is hurting more I think because of how much I genuinely cared for her. I think I'm getting better as I'm able to find joy in new things and old things that used to make me happy. Thank you again to you and everyone else on this site who has offered plenty of helpful advice.

one thing to add, I haven't broken no contact and coming home from my internship this weekend and being around friends was helpful, but difficult at the same time being in such proximity to her even though I didn't see her. But I was really torn on Friday which would have been our two year anniversary, and she decided to text me and tell me she was sorry we couldn't be together for it and hoped I was doing well. This hurt more as I later had to walk by her window to get where I was going and could see that she was with someone else. So that was frustating in knowing she could be with someone else and tell me she's sorry. Seemed arrogant and annoying to me. I did my best not to let it phase me, and did not respond or break NC so for that I am happy, and thankful my friends were there to cheer me up and tell me the value I have.

[awayandalone]

How long has it taken anyone else on here to feel like going out with someone again? The thought of dating just makes me sick to my stomach, I know its needed and will probably help my feelings of loneliness, but I just don't think I can bring myself to do it because I still have such strong feelings for my ex.

[talaniman]

You can have fun with friends or family until you are ready to date, and you can start anytime.

[wonderlife]

When I asked “Why do you still care anyway?” I really wish you can just don't care about it as if it never really affects you, so there's no more feelings of hurt, pain, lost, and doubts.

As dumpees, I feel that we should be able to get over it, just don't care, and move on in a short period. We should not spend lot of months or even a year or more wasting time in our life trapping with someone who left us, keep regretting, hurting, crying, thinking, and lost our directions in life.

However, feelings, especially strong ones, are not something we can switch on and off in a minute. It's normally a slow process that we have to feel the pain, deal with it, and move on. Therefore, don't blame yourself or beat yourself up for still thinking about her and still care for her. Also don't push yourself too hard that you have to forget her and the pain must go away in a specific time. Please take your time and realize that it's a slow process and all feelings (of hurt, missing her, lost, and upset) are normal. Anyway, you should know that it's not good to dwell or obsess on these negative feelings. That's why when the thoughts about her come up, you should divert your thoughts by doing other things that make your life goes on in a positive and active way (working, reading, exercise, study, travel, be with your love ones, and else). It's OK to think about it sometimes but it's neither OK nor healthy to dwell on it most of the time. Even you still feel the pain and still think of her, continue living your life. I can't tell you when the pain and the blue feelings will go away or when you will totally get over her, please take it day by day and try not to worry too much about when it will go away or why you still hurt. By sticking on NC and focus on living your own life, the time will come when you feel a lot better than you do right now.

Regarding NC, I don't think you have to follow exactly what I did as our situations are not exactly the same. I should call my extreme measures as “the ways to totally get rid of someone out of your life” This is what I chose to do with my ex.

But again, NC still means NO CONTACT. I hope you remain strong enough to IGNORE whenever you hear or see anything from her. I agree that it's a good feeling to know that someone loves us and we are special to be loved. Anyway, that's not something you can always hold on or rely on as things always unexpectedly change. That's why you have to love yourself and always value yourself with or without a girlfriend in your life. Also, you have lot of friends and family who love you and always be on your side. Please don't forget that love is all around and it doesn't have to be confined only in romantic term.

Normally when you still have such a strong feeling for your ex, it'd better to be with yourself, heal yourself, and put yourself together before jumping into the next relationship. But I guess there's no harm asking someone out for casual dating and see how it goes. Only you who knows best when you are ready, no need to rush things I think.

[kaka67]

how long has it taken anyone else on here to feel like going out with someone again? the thought of dating just makes me sick to my stomach, i know its needed and will probably help my feelings of loneliness, but i just dont think i can bring myself to do it bc i still have such strong feelings for my ex.

Don't do it if you don't want to. No one's forcing you.

When your ready you will know. Why put that pressure on yourself.

Enjoy life. You're a single guy again... :D

[talaniman]

The last thing you need now is to replace the hole in your soul with a romantic interest. It's a lot more fun to rebuild, than rebound on someone else's attention.

Have some good, honest, clean adult fun, and you will heal very well. You will find a big world to explore, and do your own thing in.

[awayandalone]

I too wish I could not care anymore, and I am beginning to slowly care less and less. Such as seeing the good in the things I'm doing for myself and believing that I still have a positive future ahead of me even if it is without her.

I completely agree that as I look at the situation I do wonder to myself why am I grieving over someone who obviously doesn't care about me. Why do I let myself suffer, its obvious they don't suffer after a break up so why do we? To motivate myself lately I keep telling myself that I know I did everything right I have nothing to regret in the relationship and if she can't accept how much I cared than it is truly her loss, and comfort myself by knowing that no one will ever love her as much as I did/do (whether its actually true or not)

If anyone finds the switch to turn off emotions about people or events that take place in our life they need to publish it in a book. I know its slow and it sucks how slow it is, I'm very glad I found this site to help get my feelings off my chest as many others have. I continually try to keep myself busy when thoughts of her come up... the hard part I'm having with that is the fact that I'm living 8 hours away from all my close friends and living on my own. Day by day and bit by bit I'm continuing to live my life and see good things I still have going for me and that's starting to bring my confidence back up.

I wouldn't call your measures of NC completely extreme most of them are normal reactions and probably close recommendations that most would make in order to achieve quick and faster healing and I do think the steps you took are good ones to heal fully and faster.

Ive been holding strong to NC, it got difficult this weekend with our two year passing by and her texting me that she was sad not to be with me, but I ignored it and moved through with no problem. I also injured myself goofing around with friends and had to go to the hospital, and when she found out about it through other friends she asked to see me and go to lunch, this time I kindly rejected and said it wouldn't be a good idea. So I guess I broke NC but was proud of myself to find the strength to tell her no, which I hope is still somewhat a step in the right direction.

I agree it is an amazing almost euphoric feeling to know that you have someone who loves you and cares about you, and having lost that is a complete emotion killer and working through the loss is a slow and rough process. I am so thankful for all my friends and family who have been there for me. Its made me realize that although I lost a close love, I still have plenty of people in my life who care about me and my well being and id hate to let them down.

I understand wanting to build myself back up before I consider taking on the emotions of a relationship. I would really like to find a way to get out and at least make some new friends, but like I'm said I'm finding that too be difficult to do as I live by myself in a place where I don't really know any body. I keep telling myself to get over the fear and approach someone, I mean what do I really have to lose hopefully ill get over it soon enough especially if I take this bartending class that I want to.

I know I shouldn't take on a relationship especially since I know I'm not ready, I feel I have to because my ex is getting over me so easy and out all the time. I guess its wrong though to feel like I'm competeing with her and her relations especially because more than likely they are rebounds that will fail anyway and I don't want to hurt someone else in that way. When the time is right I know I want to meet someone who cares about me as much as I do them.

[awayandalone]

I'm curious was I wrong to break NC to tell her I couldn't go to lunch with her, I know I could have just ignored it and said nothing, but at the same time I feel it was stronger of me to decline and make her wonder why I wouldn't want to go.

I'm also still having random periods where I find myself crying about the past, brief moments where she pops into my head and I get washed over with this numb like feeling and I miss her terribly. Even not talking with her I still know I love her more than anyone I've met before, despite what she may be doing since were not together, it stinks to think about but I still want to be with her, still believe she is the one I would truly be happy spending my life. Why do I feel this way though, she gave up on us, and doesn't want to be with me, why do I still care about her and hope she's OK and constantly wish I was still apart of her life? She doesn't want it anymore, so why do I?

[Veeva]

Sometimes in the end its only you that is left with heartache.. the other person that hurts you doesn't give a ****, sorry to put it like that. But it's the truth. Some one wise once told me.. if someone hurts you , don't let them rent space in your mind any longer, and when you cath yourself starting to think of them.. think.. this will make me sad yes.. this will put me in a spot or felling that I don't want, they are not worth my time. And I will find someone oneday that deserves me. I have. X

[talaniman]

Break ups suck and its very normal to have a difficult time getting it all back together. We make mistakes, fall down, get up, keep going. Its all part of being human.