[wisNJ]

Bit of a long story, sorry.

Ok, so here is how it all started. I met my girlfriend 4 years ago, we have been dating off and on for about 4 years. Sometimes it was my fault we broke up, sometimes it was her fault, but we always came back to each other. We both admitted that we were in love and just wouldn't stay apart from each other. Eventually we stopped talking for about 6 months, and then we started up again and got over the immature fighting and overreacting. We dated for about a year, everything was great and then she started hanging out A LOT with some guy she just met. She admitted to me that she liked him, so I got angry and felt like she was cheating on me. We broke up, and then I found out just 2 days after she started dating that guy so we stopped talking. It really bothered me because I loved her so much, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I tried moving on and dating other girls but I just kept comparing them to her and couldn't replace her. 5 months go by and then she calls me telling me that she misses me and that she is sorry about how things turned out. We get to talking and she asks me why we can't talk anymore, after telling her I can't put my feelings aside she tells me that she loves me and wants to do things right this time. I learn that the guy I thought she cheated on me with left her right before her birthday so he wouldn't have to get her a gift and then got back together with her after. Then she left him for another guy and then he hurt her and she came back to me.

Now I took her back that night, things went great for the past 4 months. I had been happier than I had been in a long time and she was really attached to me again. She kept asking me if I loved her enough to marry her and I always said yes, and I really did. 3 months into our relationship she started lying about what she was doing, I could tell she was, so I confronted her about it. She told me that she had been talking to her ex, the guy we had broken up over before, but she assured me that they were just friends now. I let her talk to him because I trusted her and didn't want to be controlling(in hindsight I can see this was a big mistake on my part). They talked a few times a week, nothing to really bother me, until recently. They started talking more and more the past week, and we have been having a bit of a rough week but what couple doesn't have an off week. Then the other night, we were planning on watching a movie but she asks if she could talk to her ex for about an hour so I said sure. Almost 3 hours go by and I text her just to be ignored, I call her a few times until she finally answers. I was pretty mad that she blew me off like that so I started asking her what she was doing, she then tells me that her ex told her that he wants to get back together with her, even though he knows that she has a boyfriend, and that she feels the same way. She then goes on to tell me that she loves us both and that she can't choose between us.

She then decides to break up with me until she can decide who she wants to be with. Tells me that she needs her space from me and that I should just act like nothing is wrong. I flipped out because I honestly feel cheated, it is completely unfair. She tells me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. The next morning I talk to her and get her to reconsider and then she tells me that she'll decide who she wants to be with. Now the past couple nights she hasn't said more than a few words to me and is constantly talking to him and spending time with him instead, telling me that I shouldn't worry. We were supposed to talk last night about her decision but she blew it off, odds are she fell asleep on the phone with him. She told me this morning she needs more time. After talking to her a little bit today, she tells me she still loves me, she needs space, and that I should respect her decision no matter what it is. I am feeling very uneasy about this whole thing. I tried to reason with her and tell her how dumb this whole thing is but she won't listen.

Anyone have any advice? I have a feeling I know how this is going to go down, she will choose her ex but want to keep me as a friend. It will be a spur of the moment thing and she will leave him or he will leave her, and then she will come back to me. Knowing myself I will probably take her back too. I feel like I'm in an endless self-destructive cycle. I just want things to go back to the way they were a little over a week ago and continue with our relationship. What bothers me the most, is that if he didn't come back we wouldn't have any major problems at all, so I know we can make a good couple. Should I just sit around and wait for her to choose him over me? It breaks me heart just to think about it.

Thanks for any advice, I really need it.

[DoulaLC]

She is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone right now. Save yourself further heartache and give her some space... for good.

Maybe down the road she will figure out what she wants to do, but in the meantime try not to dwell on what you think may have been. She obviously doesn't see things the same way that you do.

You shouldn't have to try and talk her into wanting to be with just you... either she does or she doesn't.

To avoid relenting when she comes calling again, tell her upfront that you don't want her to contact you in any way. It is too hard and you need your own space and time to deal with the situation.

Then go out with friends and try to enjoy yourself. It won't happen right away, you will feel badly for a bit, but it will get easier. More than likely you will meet someone who is on the same page as you are and you will experience the kind of healthy relationship you have been missing.

[beachloverjohn]

We are so in love, but we didn't talk to each other for 6 months. Then she hung out with another guy. You thought she was cheating {gee what gave it away} but he dumped her so now she wants you back. But she keeps in contact with him, and you want her to decide whichone of you she wants. Does that about sum it up? Wake up, she already made her decision, and you were the runner up. Don't play second fiddle to anyone, you need to come first. How can you ever trust someone like her. She invented the word "fickle". This time you make the decision and tell her you deserve a woman who will treat you the same way she wants to be treated. Be strong, and don't let her break your heart. She will if you give her that power. Remove her from your life, and move on.

[didi77771]

I really think that you should sever the tie with this girl... You really need to find someone new. She only leaves you because she knows that you will be always be there if she would decide to come back. You sound like a nice person and shouldn't have to sit and wait for her to decide whether she wants you. You have put enough time into that relationship. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants. Don't let her knock you down anymore. Get out there and find someone you deserve.!

[wisNJ]

Thanks for the advice guys, I think that's what I'll do. I thought to myself that I should just leave for good just for the fact that she is even considering this whole thing, let alone telling me that every time I try to reason with her that I am ruining my chances of her choosing me. I guess I was just blinded by my love for her and how I would do anything to make it work. It's just shocking how fast things like this can happen. One week I am planning on proposing to her on our trip to Vegas for her birthday coming up, and the next she throws our entire relationship on hold because her ex has a change of heart and decides he loves her.

Thanks guys, hearing it from someone else really puts things into perspective for me.

[talaniman]

If an ex can come between you and put the whole relationship on hold until she figures out what she wants then you never had a strong relationship any way. It may have been fun, but not very strong or committed on her part.

Sorry guy but you dump her and disappear from her life. Whether she wants you back or not. Then at least you can keep some dignity, and self respect for yourself. To me, that's all that counts.

[HeartBrokenBird]

This is like me and my girlfriend, except we have only been going out a few months and she used to hate her ex, then they started talk and now she is all depressed and can't decide. She won't talk to me and this really hurts. I think its best if people don't date until they are over their past lover(s). I feel like she is comparing me to him and that I won't ever be good enough for her, even though I know her ex, we're friends, and I'm a way better boyfriend to her. She says I'm "too perfect" and there is no way I really am that good of a guy and still love her without wanting to be sexually active. I'm not out of high school yet, so that's why.