Check out some similar questions!

s_bielecki · Oct 2, 2010, 12:25 PM

My husband is way too close with a female work friend that is 12 years younger and their work is a bar. He talks to her in the morning and all times of day. He will call me and then her sometimes. First let me say when we got together 18 months ago, he told me he needed to let her know about us. He claims nothing ever happened but he knows she had feelings for him and they work together and knew he would be bringing me around. Fine or though I thought, I didn't know he would keep talking to her. She is overweight and he uses that excuse of why I shouldn't worry. Recently I told him Im just not comfortable with how close they talk, I overheard him just talking about his problems etc... So I started digging on our phone records and after he told me he told her he just can't be that close anymore, that he wouldn't like it if I was that close to man, I noticed they are talking even more! He told me today, that he's not going to stop, she is just a friend and there are just something's he can talk to her about not me! Ive been so understanding through this all and this isn't our only issue. He said I should call her, I do not need to deal with this like that, Im not afraid to call her just think I shouldn't have to. Im ready to just call it quits! Am I crazy? He says I need to talk to someone.

JudyKayTee · Oct 2, 2010, 12:31 PM

Ask him if he's having an affair with her. When he answers, either believe him and stay or don't believe him and leave.

Unfortunately you cannot pick his friends.

I have no idea what her weight has to do with his relationship with her - that sounds like nonsense to me.

Are you this insecure about his other female friends?

Enigma1999 · Oct 2, 2010, 12:35 PM

NO! You are not crazy at all. When I was reading your story, I was getting frustrated, not with you, with HIS behavior.

Call me old fashioned, but a marriage should be about a man and a woman, not a man, a woman, and another woman.

I can understand friendships, I really can. And when I was married, I had friends that were men, however, I never told them my problems, especially about my husband and myself, and if I knew that being friends with a man would upset my husband, I called it quits with my friend. Lucky for me, my male friends were understanding of this, which made it easier to mover forward.

The fact that your husband KNOWS you're upset and says that he will not stop talking to her, is when I would say, okay, draw up the divorce paper work.

I know that sounds harsh, but not as harsh as him knowing this hurts you and refuses to stop.

Sorry...

JudyKayTee · Oct 2, 2010, 12:48 PM

I don't think one partner can dictate who the other partner can befriend BUT I do agree - once the third person becomes the one the partner goes to when there's a problem, that's cheating, emotional cheating.

(I work in a very male dominated industry and have a lot of male friends. My husband is not concerned.)

s_bielecki · Oct 2, 2010, 01:25 PM

Thank you! That helps me, she is not a mutual friend of mine and my husband like other women he is friends with, nor does she want to be friends with me. Im not stupid or afraid to be alone agaain, Im so angry with him.

s_bielecki · Oct 2, 2010, 01:32 PM

Exactly, I told him I don't care what she looks like it's the whole issue of emotional cheating. I have mentioned, so if she loses weight then I should be worried? Ridiculous. If she was not in love with him, I prob wouldn't care. He has a lot of friends

DoulaLC · Oct 3, 2010, 08:45 AM

Out of respect for you and your marriage, he should back off.

It doesn't mean he can't talk to her now and then, while they are at work for example, or that he has to stop being friendly, but talking to her several times a day, and sharing personal problems, shows that he is more emotionally involved than he should be.

Since you mentioned there are other issues going on between you, perhaps some of that is what he discusses with her. He may see it has having a sounding board, to get another opinion from, whatever, but in doing so he is continuing to deepen their relationship... even if it is just on a friends level. The fact that he knows she has feelings for him, even if they are not reciprocated by him, only continues to keep her emotionally attached as well.

HE may not see the problem with it, because he apparently does not have those feelings for her, but you can be sure she didn't just up and stop having feelings for him.

There is a line that has to be drawn and it can be at a slightly different location for different people. Having friends of the opposite sex may be fine with some couples... but for many, that line is crossed when there is too much emotional involvement or time spent together. When something is being taken from the marriage relationship and given to the friend relationship problems arise.

Let him know that you are not asking him to not be friendly towards her, you would not expect him to be rude, but that you do expect him to consider your feelings and find a common ground with you. Your marriage comes first, friends after.

talaniman · Oct 3, 2010, 12:53 PM

Your husband is a big dumb goof who thinks he can keep friendship with a co worker that's attracted to him. He has managed this since before you met, and thinks he can now. Maybe he can. Maybe she has recognized there is no future with him, and only sees a friendship.

I think he crosses a line though, keeping her to close in his business by keeping her as a confidant, and that's BS! I don't think you have as much to worry about from her, as you do from him.

First let me say when we got together 18 months ago, he told me he needed to let her know about us. He claims nothing ever happened but he knows she had feelings for him and they work together

This bothers me, don't know why, but I think he is feeding her some false hope, and I think that this was ignored by you for too long. So why are you okay with his other friends and not her? Because you know she likes him, and she has been encouraging his contacts with her, instead of discouraging them. She is simply to close to your man for comfort, but its you who must show him that he cannot please two masters, and he must make some adjustments since he is married to you.

Ask him, matter of factly, how would he feel, if YOU had a long time male friend, who was YOUR confidant, and was always in contact with, about your problems. Pay close attention. His reaction will give you some valuable insights you need to know. Do not react out of anger no matter what he says, give it a lot of thought.

Its evident though you both need to make a few adjustments, and agree on some boundaries. This should have been addressed a lot earlier, but now is as good a time as any. You are not wrong to think your feelings should be addressed by him, and respected. But you need patience, and not anger. He will need some time to process things with his thick skull.

He is the type that cannot see how his actions can hurt others.

beachloverjohn · Oct 3, 2010, 02:49 PM

He is correct. You need to talk to someone. How about your attorney? C'mon, who is this guy kidding. And he wants you to call her? Like she is going to tell you the truth? I'm sorry bielecky, but your husband needs a refresher course in what marriage vows really mean. {and hereto I pledge you my faithfulness} seems to come to mind.

JudyKayTee · Oct 3, 2010, 04:07 PM

I continue to be hung up on the "12 years younger" part. So if they'd be the same age she wouldn't worry?

I think OP has to look at herself first and her husband second. Or perhaps the marriage in general, herself, the husband.

- just sayin'.