[froster123]

Although my ex has always been a very loving dad, he has never grown up. He has never been able to hold down a job, always dreaming for more money at the next job. He is living with his girlfriend of 3 months, who smokes pot as far as I know, and he has let my 15 year old and my 17 year old drink with them. Although my 15 year old is only allowed a couple of drinks, my 17 year old has been completely falling down drunk with him. Like I said, he loves his boys tremendously, but I don't think he is responsible enough to care for a teenager, and his girlfriend will be caring for him instead.

My 15 yr old son on the other hand, says that I mistreat him and am mean to him. I've explained that I know I have been short with him, but he has been smoking pot at least 4-5 times per week, never comes home by curfew, skips the occasional class and drinks the occasional beer with his friends. He sees this as "no big deal" because he thinks it is not excessive and is still passing his classes, doing his chores and coming home, (although not on time). He came home after drinking 4 beers on Friday slurring his words, and thought it was unreasonable that I grounded him. So I think it is reasonable that I am generally not happy with his behaviour. I also explained to him that I realize that there have been times that I have snapped at him, but I had hoped that he would realize that with the recent passing of my mother, and having to fly back and forth to care for my dad, that it would be understandable that I was under stress. Not to mention, my husband is fighting clinical depression. I don't expect him to completely understand, but I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel, and he completely disrespectful to me. I buy him clothes, he uses my laptop to go on the internet, uses my iPod (he lost his, he also lost his new cell phone and new digital camera). I drive him around to his sporting events, I chat with him cheerfully in the car whether he answers me or not, I keep the fridge full and grab him to give him hugs whenever I can. I may not always be perfect or have a lot of time for him (working and going to school too), but I don't think I'm doing that bad??

I realize that I am rambling a bit - but there is so much going on I just feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I think that it might be good for both of us to be apart, but then when I think about it, it tears my heart out to think that he won't be here and that he doesn't want to be with me. I should note that they would be living in another province - about a 16 hour drive, and also that my ex has paid on average about 1 month's support payment per year. His dad lives in a camper trailer in the summer and rents small places in the winter so he moving all the time, usually 2-3 different towns every year. I just know that with his girlfriend (not working) living there and my son, I definitely won't get a dime. Not too big of a deal normally, but my husband lost his job almost 2 years ago and we are struggling. He owes me about $62,000 in back pay... support for three kids adds up pretty quick! My relationship with my other two boys is great - I had my rough patch with my 17 yr old too at this age, but he has matured and is a joy again. :) I was just hoping that it would eventually blow over with my 15 yr old too.

Here are my alternatives:
a) Let him move out there, at the end of next month on his dad's timetable, (middle of the school semester) and hope he can get up to speed in his classes in the new school.
b) Fight it and not let him go - but I know my son will strongly resent me and will not listen to anything I say and will come and go as he pleases.
c) Pack up his things and put him on a plane this weekend. If he wants to go, I don't want him to go, but he should go now. School just started, it would be easier to get up to speed. Why should I fight with him for another month... he already left the house for two days when he was supposedly grounded. And why should I spend hundreds on school clothes for him? I haven't had time t take him shopping because of my mother's passing.

[Jake2008]

That's a tough one. You have a tremendous amount on your plate right now.

You have full physical custody I presume?

You have much to consider here. Maybe a plus is that his father is so far away. By that I mean, if he chooses to live with his father, and you allow him to go, he is most certainly going to miss more than you think. Friends, activities, a loving mom, cell phone, internet, etc. Because he takes these things for granted, he will be in for a rude awakening when he no longer has them, when he is with his dad.

A new school will be a difficult adjustment for any kid. Nothing will be familiar. Home will be home with his dad, until his dad moves again, and again, and again. He will eventually start seeing lightbulbs go on in his head, and likely realize that the life he left behind was not so bad after all.

Teenagers are very short sighted. Your son probably sees an opportunity to freedom, where he can do what he likes, when he likes, without having responsibilities. No nagging mom, no curfew.

If you prevent him from going, he may continue to be resentful, with the expected attitude because of it, until such time as he may just choose to go himself anyway.

On the other side, you could call the shots, and not allow him to go. He is a minor, and again, I presume you have full custody. You could seek help through counselling with him, and enforce the house rules, and have him earn his way. For example, no cell phone, no internet, no mom taxi. When he starts picking up after himself, doing his homework, cutting the grass, and checking the attitude, he can have these things back. The freebies are over, he has to show he deserves them, or he doesn' get them.

You could tell him that, because his father lives an unstable life, and allows underage drinking, and has no means of supporting him, that living with him and his girlfriend, is not an option. And then, do not discuss it further. A 'couple of drinks' by the way, in my opinion, is two too many for a 15 year old.

But, you are in that place where you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Should you decide to allow him to go, I would definitely not be buying the plane ticket, or providing money in any way shape, or form. He's on his own. He can get a part time job cutting neighbours grass, or raking leaves, or by chores at home to buy his own ticket, or his dad can step up and pay for half, or all of it. Tell him he can go, but he has to earn his way there because you cannot afford to pay for him to live somewhere else, and that includes getting there.

And if you do let him go, after he has managed to find a way, he'll be leaving your home with nothing other than his clothing, and will be expecting his dad to replace all the things he's left behind. And that isn't likely to happen, and thus another lightbulb will go off.

Pros and cons, I don't envy you the decision, and I'm not sure what I'd do in your position to be honest with you.

It is a shame that his father, isn't a better father. He may love them, but love isn't what you say, it's what you do, and show. His son will learn that love is more than beer and bongs, which will take precident over his needs.

And I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and the difficulties with your father, and at the same time you are coping with mental health issues with your husband.

But, know that most of us with kids, particularly teenagers, can identify with your situation, and at least understand the confusing decisions you are about to figure out. I would love to read more of your thoughts on this, and I hope you post again.

[froster123]

Thanks so much for your response - it really helps to clarify things. Being so emotionally involved it is tough to see things clearly. I don't know why I didn't think of counseling, especially since a friend of mine has been raving about a counselor her teenage son is seeing - we have an appointment to see her on Monday. My son has agreed to go and try to have an open mind (this took some bribery unfortunately!)

In the meantime, my ex has been acting very nice and understanding with me, then I find out that on the weekend when all of this started he was freaking out and telling my husband that he was going to take me to court and sue for custody etc. I have a feeling he's going to make things difficult. I do have sole custody, and am not giving that up!

I finally got through to my son and we had a long talk - I guess over the months in my frustration with his behaviour I have said a few things that I shouldn't have, such as telling him that I don't want him to have cash because he's only going to spend it on pot/booze etc. I didn't realize how much that hurt him that I mistrusted him so much. He hasn't really lied to me about anything (that I'm aware of), so this was unfair. He still has a strong sense of entitlement though, that I'm not sure how to deal with. But for now, he is thinking that he'll see how things go and will at least stick around until the end of the semester. That gives us four months - hopefully the counselor gets through to him in that time.

One thing I'm not sure how to approach - I agree with you in that if he does move in with his dad, that he only takes the clothes on his back. But I'm not sure how to explain this to my son - he paid for half of his lacrosse gear and most of his boxing equipment were birthday/xmas gifts. Although I would like his dad to see how expensive he is, but it doesn't quite seem right not to let my son have it since it is his stuff. Any thoughts on this one?

[Jake2008]

You've covered a lot of ground- congrats on the counselling, that may make all the difference.

As to what he owns, such as gifts, things he's paid for, etc. that I would personally allow him to take. But, I wouldn't pay for it to get to his father's place, in any way. If he chooses to go, he has to make arrangements with his dad, to get his stuff there.

The more you get him thinking now, with reasonable consequences he will have, with his own decision, the more likely he is to think of what am I gaining, as opposed to what am I going to lose.

Draw that dividing line and let him know what the boundaries will be, before his dad sends him his plane ticket. (If he ever does)