[hdcook]

I dated someone for 8 monthes and she left me because I was too nice. We had planned to get married;however, she said she loved me so much but I grew into her best friend that would always be there for her. This is the second time I lost someone because I am not the bad boy type. My last girlfriend and me dated for over a year. We were very close and we were going in that direction again but then she told me that she was having an affair with a pizza guy. She told me she was sorry and I was so nice and she never wanted to hurt me and she did not want to lie to me because deserve better, but she said this guy made her happy on a different level and I was just more of a friend. No joking when I say this but she even wants me to come to their wedding if they get married. She said it would mean a lot if I was there. So as you can see there is a pattern. What is wrong with me? Is it wrong to be the nice guy type? Women complain about rude, lying, controlling, jerks all the time but it seems that is the only guys they date. IS it better to be like that? I Just feel like dying I am so depressed over this

[Fr_Chuck]

No nice guys have a great way with the right girls, it is finding the girl who wants someone that will be wonderful.

[hdcook]

If only I could find that girl from Proverbs 31.

[confused25]

Life is about balance. You need to be nice and good, but at the same time you need to carry a confident persona that says loud and clear, "If you mess with me, you're gonna regret it."

Maybe your being way too nice. Are you always showering her with compliments? Are you buying her every thing she asks for? Are you always professing your undying love to her? If you are doing these things then you may have a problem. See, anything done in excess is a bad thing. By doing these things you come off as needy, clingy, and weak.

Don't make any drastic changes to who you are; you're a nice guy and that makes you who you are. But be a little tougher, mysterious, and above all confident. Find that balance so that you can be a good guy with a few rough edges.

[hdcook]

I just do not know how to be that way

[NeedKarma]

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy, I'm one and have a great wife, two kids, good job. That girl that slept with the pizza guy, that doesn't sound like a "nice" girl though, right? Is the problem related with the girls you are attracted to? Maybe you like opposites and want a "wild" girl; if that's the case then you all that's involved with that, inclding potential cheating.

[talaniman]

Hd, Hi guy, I've read your other post and would hope you don't get down on yourself as life is a journey with good and bad things to go through. Work on yourself to get balance and perspective about the things happening in your life and learn to deal with them with the help of some good pe0ple. Be patient and be diligent in your own health and well-being and things will work out. GOOD LUCK.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I don't agree that nice guys finish last. I believe that there is a fine line between being a nice guy and being good. Sometimes, being a nice guy can put you into a more vulnerable position of being taken advantage of. I consider myself to be a good person and being nice has been at the forefront of my personality all my life which is only at the moment 26 years. I have learned though that there is a difference between nice and good. I admit that I have been attracted to the women that have perhaps not either been right for me or have not been ready for what I feel I am ready for. I base this predominantly on my most recent breakup with my ex.

The most important thing in life is to be yourself, be true to other people and to yourself. Never try to be someone you are not because people will see through it and you will never be happy.

It is not a question of being nice will determine the outcome of whether you will finish first, more a case of accepting that what you are is good and that the goodness you create will attract more goodness to you.

Not sure if I have worded all that correctly but I do sincerely believe that being a good, nice person is a good thing. If it does not work for you, you are attracting the wrong types of people in your life. I will not change myself for anyone.I am who I am, they can either love and accept me or find someone that better fits their idea of an ideal person.

[talaniman]

This may give more information
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ces-50785.html

[lily-butterfly]

Excuse me everybody because I ddnt read any answer but... HDCOOK nothing wrong with you perhaps something is wrong with them... anyways for me I love nice guys but they have to show that they are real men in other words they have to take the lead and be the bosses in the relationship
So try to e as you are the kind guy but take the lead
Try to be the nice 1 that no one could mess with... try to tell her in many situatins the No word because the girls love the NO word
;)GOOD LUCK:D

[s_cianci]

The problem isn't so much that you're a "nice guy", it's how you manifest that in your dating relationships. Being too available, too needy and clingy, too willing to wear your heart out on your sleeve and "being there" for her are the problems. This casts you into what others on this forum will call the "friend zone." Essentially you become like one of her girlfriends so that's how she sees you, rather than as a man who's marriage material. Of course she sees you as "nice" and "sweet", just like she sees her girlfriends. She even wants you to attend your wedding, just like she wants her girlfriends to attend her wedding. You need to stay out of this "friend zone." The trick is to be independent, be busy, not too available to her. When you are with her be mysterious and a little aloof and don't wear your heart out on your sleeve. Tease her and flirt with her. No talk about marriage or getting serious, at least not for many months. When the time does come it's best to let her bring it up. In short engage in "manly" behaviors. That doesn't mean being a rude, lying, controlling jerk but it means being a man and not one of her girlfriends, if you get my drift.

[Wildcat21]

Yep - listen to S_cianci.

Wildcat struggled with this for a long time. It's a great question.

See - here's the problem - you NEED TO SAY NO TO HER ONCE IN A WHILE. SAY NO!!

Have a spine. Be busy.

Nice guys make women their life - big mistake - they are part of your life - not your life - work, friends, hobbies, WORKING OUT, family, etc. - ALL EQUALLY important.

It's UNHEALTHY to have that feeling of always wanting to be with her. Women can smell that. Have a life - she isn't your life. Being needy is terrible way to go through life.

Don't be a doormat - sounds like you get walked on - she gets what ever she wants - NEVER under any circunstances be afraid of upsetting her - NEVER!! Stand you ground - she will love you for it!! She will ltest you then and push you.

If you're all agreeable all the time - you lose. No one should go through life like that. Say NO!! Say no!!

You tell her wh tYOU want some times - from the bedroom to planning things.

AND always have a plan!! Plan things - plan fun things. WOMEN DON'T ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE THE decions!!

It's also about being the leader - women want to feel safe. Are you too nice of guy to stand up to the auto repairman who just tried to rip you off?? The waiter who tried to rip you off?? Can you handle her mother??

Are you jeallous?? Can handle a guy hitting on her?? Can you handle the two of you running into an old boy friend of hers?? You laugh a tthis stuff always!!

Be a nice guy is bad for business - it's a bad way of life. YES nice guys finish LAST!!

Good guys prevail - you need to strive to be a good guy with a LARGE SPINE!!

[BlazingCold]

Dear Wildcat...

How do you show an ex that you aren't this way anymore?

[Nohitter410]

THat is tough blazing because to be honest if you are all those things then maybe try it with someone else.

But if you must do it with an ex it will be tough because calling her up and trying to meet her will vary depending on how it ended and if you still talk. You just need to not be available as much when she calls and when you see her be mysterious. She should know nothing about what you have been doing while broken up, just look like you are enjoying life and to be honest if that isn't true then maybe you shouldn't even consider getting back together with an ex.

A woman is only a small part of your life. All other parts in your life need to be in order and a woman just adds to it. That is when it is easier to make her just a part of her life because you know how to have fun without her. That is how you show her. Show her that although you are talking to her or hanging out with her that there are many others things going on with you that you could be doing.

[chuff]

WOW!! Wildcat's post was seriously worth untold pain and money if you make the decision to listen to it. I wish I had this kind of help 15 years ago. I did stuff I saw if movies, because it worked in movies and women reacted to the movies like they liked it. HUGE mistake. I've made so many mistakes “trying to make her happy” and “being nice so she'll like me.” Good God I actually used to say those things and I realize what a woman I sounded like. No woman wants another woman. They want a man.

Let me say I agree 1000% with WC. If I can offer a few examples and point some things out that I've been introduced too.

Yep - listen to S_cianci.

Wildcat struggled with this for a long time. It's a great question.

See - here's the problem - you NEED TO SAY NO TO HER ONCE IN A WHILE. SAY NO!!!!

Have a spine. Be busy.

Exactly. I used to be nice and let them walk all over me because I thought that's what a good boyfriend did. I followed this all the way back to it's roots and realize that several times as a child I would see television shows where they made jokes that the man in the relationship was king but when the wife looked at him a certain way the guy did whatever he was told. And of course the audience would laugh so it was a good thing. I as a child some how got it in my head that a woman controlled the relationship and the guy did whatever she said to make her happy from television sitcoms. I kid you not. It makes me F-ing disgusted to know I went through my entire 20's basing my need to please a woman on TV sitcoms. I think a lot of people are confused by this. They see things in the movies or on TV and try them. They try them and it doesn't work but another movie comes out and it works in the movie so they try and fail again. Repeat pattern over and over.

Nice guys make women their life - big mistake - they are part of yur life - not your life - work, friends, hobbies, WORKING OUT, family, etc. - ALL EQUALLY important.

It's UNHEALTHY to have that feeling of always wanting to be with her. Women can smell that. Have a life - she isn't your life. Being needy is terrible way to go through life.

Exactly. If you give your life to a woman, the truth is you have nothing left to give. You give your life to yourself, and you allow a woman to become part of it. But if she leaves, you still have your life. That's why the nice guy flounders around after getting dumped or rejected. He has nothing to fall back on. He starts over from scratch.

Don't be a doormat - sounds like you get walked on - she gets what ever she wants - NEVER under any circunstances be afraid of upsetting her - NEVER!!! Stand you ground - she will love you for it!!! She wil ltest you then and push you.

If you're all agreeable all the time - you lose. No one should go through life like that. Say NO!!! Say no!!!

You tell her wh tYOU want some times - from the bedroom to planning things.

It was Wildcat himself, who first introduced me to the fact that women test you. The more I looked into it the more sense it made. Women who start an argument for the sole purpose of starting the argument (ie the argument has no noticeable solution or could be solved very easily) are really not arguing to reach solution. They are doing it to create drama and mostly to see if you are a man and will stick up or defend yourself. It might very well be an evolutionary trait, a woman has to test her man to see if has a spine because if he won't stand up to her then he won't stand up to anyone. Women need a guy that can protect them and if you lay down and get walked on by her, what's going to happen when another male in the wild comes along. Will you be able to defend yourself? Not in a physical sense because humans have evolved (well some have) but in a verbal sense. You woman tests you to see what your made off. It doesn't give the guy the right to hit her or demean her. Just stand up to her. Think of other animals in the wild and it makes perfect sense.

AND always have a plan!!! Plan things - plan fun things. WOMEN DON'T ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE THE decions!!!

Exactly. I used to let them make plans because I thought it was giving them power which showed I was caring and nice. If you can't make a decision with her then she knows you can't decide on anything.

It's also about being the leader - women want to feel safe. Are you too nice of guy to stand up to the auto repairman who just tried to rip you off??? The waiter who tried to rip you off??? Can you handle her mother???

Are you jeallous???? Can handle a guy hitting on her???? Can you handle the two of you running into an old boy friend of hers??? You laugh a tthis stuff always!!!

Be a nice guy is bad for business - it's a bad way of life. YES nice guys finish LAST!!!!

Good guys prevail - you need to strive to be a good guy with a LARGE SPINE!!!!

Nice guys do things at the expense of there heart. Good guys do it because they can afford to give a little bit of there heart. HUGE difference.

Much like Wildcat said, I'm a recovering nice guy and what he wrote were things I have paid the price in terms of time, money, and emotional pain over and over until I reached the point where I said enough is enough. Thank you WC this post was incredible and needed to be read by everyone. Wildcat, please don't hold it against me for breaking it down, but this issue is so personal to me that, I just wanted to add and help some guys get this because the nice guy problem has affected to many of us good guys who really care about women and try to do the right thing but then we go through such hurt but nobody tells us any different.

[Wildcat21]

No problem dude - it's really DAM important as 75% of the guys who come here have some form of this problem. Great additions.

AND YES - WOMEN TEST!! They TEST you always. And I know there are women here that don't believe this - yet they are testing their men today - they want to see how far they can go - see what they can get away with. See if he is a wuss/needy/nice guy/clingy.

[Wildcat21]

Blazing - that's very hard to over come.

Going forward you need to make her LAUGH!! Make fun of her - say no - say you're busy. Have a life.

Make her contact you.

Be the fun guy - not the uptight guy who asks a million relationship questions.

Women want a confident guy - that is quite simply having other things in your life that are important - work - family, friends, school, WORK OUT, hobbies, etc. - all those are equally important - when those are equally important - then she quite frankly doesn't matter as much AND THAT IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THINGS AND SHE WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT.

[BlazingCold]

I did do that in the course of the relationship. She laughed at tons of my jokes and we'd talk and joke in the most weird places. As for her not contacting me, it's either she wants nothing more to do with me or she's afraid of talking to me because she knows she broke my heart when she left.

[chuff]

I did do that in the course of the relationship. She laughed at tons of my jokes and we'd talk and joke in the most weird places. As for her not contacting me, it's either she wants nothing more to do with me or she's afraid of talking to me because she knows she broke my heart when she left.

But now that the relationship's over your acting hurt and wounded. Not saying you shouldn't be. But if you act that way to her then that's what she sees. You need to act confident. You need to show her that it doesn't bother you. Again, your bigger than the relationship, so yes she's gone but you have other things to fall back on. If you have nothing to fall back on then your floundering and that isn't going to attrack anyone.

[Wildcat21]

Great stuff Cuff. So true.

When you have other stuff going on your life this stuff just doesn't sting as much.

A 'good guy' knows there are about 1 million other women out there who he might just be quite happy with. Her loss.