Check out some similar questions!

pnkrckgod · Dec 29, 2006, 08:59 PM

My fiancé is 20 yrs old, and can't (has never gotten) get an orgasm on her own or with me. Not just from sex, but foreplay, messing around, etc. On her own she tenses up and can't finish, with me she has gotten farther than she has alone, she starts shaking and tensing up, but she just can't get it, and then she starts getting over sensitive and doesn't want to keep going. We have no idea what's wrong, and could really use some advice. We have heard people talk about 'learning how to orgasm' or whatever but all it ever says is the girl should masturbate... but that doesn't work for her. Any ideas?

tamed · Dec 30, 2006, 11:58 AM

Try to get your fiancé to relax during sex/foreplay/masturbation, you could try giving her a massage beforehand. Sometimes the inability to climax may be psychological (or even stress related), she needs to feel comfortable and relaxed. Try asking her what she enjoys and would like you to do, find out what she doesn't like as well. Extreme arousal also does the trick sometimes but every woman is different.
Good luck though.

pnkrckgod · Dec 30, 2006, 06:13 PM

Yea stress related could definitely be it -_- she gets stressed over everything. Ill definitely give the massage idea a try. It's kind of hard to get her to say what she wants to do sometimes, she is indecisive, except for standing up, but uh... I can't generally last that long doing that if you know what I mean ;)

manimuth · Dec 30, 2006, 06:38 PM

Wow... this sounds so familiar...
From experience, the best advice I can give you is to HAVE PATIENCE.. tremendous patience! Whatever you do, don't pressure her to have an orgasm. As funny as it sounds, your anxiety to make her orgasm will make her feel like she is on the spot to perform. Make sure that she feels completely comfortable and relaxed when you guys make love. It will not happen overnight and in fact, with patience, you will make small steps together while she gets closer and closer. Try having some wine or drinks as part of your night. Alcohol will help relax her and works wonders for her to forget inhibitions and self doubts. I'm not saying get her drunk! But to help her stop thinking so much! Good luck.
P.S. Don't feel guilty about lasting long enough for her to orgasm before you can! It will only make her feel guilty about your uncomfort . So when you let go and finish, if it seems like she is taking too long, it will make her feel less pressured and less guilty.

pnkrckgod · Dec 30, 2006, 07:03 PM

Yea patience is a virtue.. that I don't have. Lol I'm trying though, and I know its going to take her some time to get there, it's just I also know she wants one and she gets stressed that she can't get one, thinking something is wrong with her. Like I said earlier she will get to where it seems like she should, legs and thighs spasming, breathing hard and then it goes away or gets overly sensitive. She gets really turned on and really enjoys it but just can't reach an orgasm, and I care a lot about her and want to help her on this subject which is why I'm on these forums you know? Oh yea, I was going somewhere with this, anyway it seems kind of difficult to keep her from feeling on the spot to perform when you are having foreplay messin with her orally, since the whole concept of that is to pleasure her. So far good suggestions, a few drinks and a massage. Definitely couldn't hurt to try it. Thanks for the advice, the rest of you keep the ideas coming if you have something different. Ahh and another reason I could think of that it might be is she is easily distracted, and we aren't getting our own house until this summer in July when we get married, so there are usually plenty things around to distract her... that can't really be helped though for now.

Even though it's nothing I'm doing wrong, it's a problem that sucks to not be able to fix.

By the way, anyone know anything about how common or uncommon it is for a 20 yr old girl to not be able to reach an orgasm even on her own? (She hasn't tried herself much because she doesn't like to, but the few times she has she gets to the point when she tenses up or starts spasming and she can't keep going.)

manimuth · Dec 30, 2006, 07:12 PM

Please let her know that this is very common! Some women report never being able to achieve an orgasm. But don't loose hope! The problem is that the mind plays a HUGE part in a woman's orgasm. Don't loose heart. :)

pnkrckgod · Dec 30, 2006, 07:18 PM

Yea I had heard it was something like 1 in 4 women don't. But I also didn't know if that was simply because a vast majority of those are due to past sexual abuse or if those women didn't get aroused right or whatever, none of the statistics seem to go that in depth into it. Good to hear its not just our problem :cool: Thanks a lot for your help, hopefully it just takes time, in the meantime... not like it isn't fun to keep trying :D