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babyblue24 · Sep 26, 2010, 07:19 AM

We have known each other for almost a year and after seeing each other for a little bit he told me had a baby she was 5 months at the time. We've been dating now for like 8months now. We have definitely had some problems. I have done things but he's forgiven me and he's been a little shady with his baby moms but never really did anything. I'm kind of a secret to his baby moms for a reason I don't understand completely. Ive been around his daughter before. I don't think she would have liked that though. He says he loves me. They were together for 5 yrs but he just said they just fought too much to be together. Other things went on too and well when I met him she was just moving out and we've been together since. She knew about me and was really mad so now its like he doesn't tell her he has a girlfriend. She probably doesn't even know were together. Is it right that I'm such a secret? Why must be hide me from her. Because anytime she knew I was around him she would say he can't see his daughter. His family knows about me. His sisters are good friends with his baby mom. I just am not sure if I'm jealous of her or what. I found pictures of them kissing on his camera because he recently had to move away temp. for school which I visit him he said he was just so confused and felt like he was abandoning his daughter, I did worse to him though so I forgave him. Idk I just am so confused why even when I hear the baby moms name I get so mad and I take it out on him,

DoulaLC · Sep 26, 2010, 07:31 AM

It sounds as though things may have moved too fast for everyone involved... and possibly a bit of a rebound situation. If you were getting together with him just as she was moving out, after being with him for 5 years, no one had a chance to have time to adjust to the changes. They will always have a connection because of their daughter.

If during 8 months of dating you have done things that he needs to forgive, that could be another indication that the time is not right for this to be an exclusive relationship.

It might be best to step back a bit and give him some time to figure out what he wants to do.

babyblue24 · Sep 26, 2010, 07:37 AM

Well they broke even before she moved out he just didn't want to kick her out because she has his daughter but I was thinking the rebound thing too I doubt he loves me I guess its just hard to know ill always be 2nd in his life... is that bad?

Cat1864 · Sep 26, 2010, 07:58 AM

If he hasn't already, he needs to get custody, visitation and child support set taken care of legally. Then she can't tell him when he can and can't see his daughter based on who he is dating or he makes her mad.

Depending on the timing and her understanding of what was going on, I can see her being upset if he was becoming involved with you while involved with her. I think you should be concerned a bit about that too because he didn't take any time to heal from the one break up/relationship before taking on another. It also sounds like he over-lapped the relationships which could be looked at in a very negative light.

I would take a step back and let him figure out what he truly wants and what you truly want. Is the drama and uncertainty worth the relationship?

talaniman · Sep 26, 2010, 10:07 AM

well when I met him she was just moving out and we've been together since.

You are a rebound, and its hard to build a healthy loving relationship with someone that still has many issues to resolve from his last relationship. He has a lot to do for himself to take care of his business, before he can make you a priority in his life, and for now, you are caught up in is BS, and as you see, not only does it cause conflicts, confusion, and drama for you, but just ain't that much fun.

After only 8 months, your relationship should be nothing but fun, don't you agree? Back away to a safer emotional distance so he can handle his business, and you don't get hurt by getting caught in the middle of him, and his ex.

Jake2008 · Sep 26, 2010, 11:29 AM

It is a sad situation when a child is blamed, or used as an excuse, in order to keep you a secret in his life.

I would say that if you've recently seen pictures of him and his ex kissing, he is still involved with her. To what degree is anybodys guess. Maybe he thinks she doesn't know about you, and you don't know about her (and him). Is he playing both ends against the middle here, and again, using the child as an excuse to keep both women in the dark? His sisters could be under the assumption that he split with you and you are some sort of psycho babe that won't leave him alone. He sounds like a story teller to me.

If he has a custody agreement in place, which he should have, you have nothing to do with that agreement, and his ex, if she is his ex, cannot stop him from seeing his child. Nor can she dictate who he can or cannot date. That much is obvious.

His excuses are very flimsy, and do not make sense. How you determine what is going on, I have no idea. If he keeps up the ruse, and continues to succeed because you think it has everything to do with him being able to see his child, I would discount that one right off the bat.

I don't know what you did that was so terrible, that you feel obligated to accept his bad, and confusing, behaviour on a continuous basis. If what you did was forgiven, stop beating yourself up about it, and stick up for yourself.

My opinion is there are two women involved with him. You and his ex. And likely both of you are swallowing the same lame excuses from him.

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr · Sep 26, 2010, 12:28 PM

Well, put it this way: IMO, that baby is the most important person in this whole ordeal. Think about that little girl, and do what you think would best keep her out of a turbulent situation...

Homegirl 50 · Sep 26, 2010, 12:39 PM

I think this guy is playing both of you.
You were the rebound and now he's tip-toeing back to her.
There is way too much drama here and I would say it's not worth it. This baby and her mama is going to always be there.

babyblue24 · Sep 26, 2010, 01:00 PM

She doesn't want to be with him because he cheated on her bad. I really don't think he would cheat on me but at the same time he sucks up to her I feel just because he cares about his daughter that much. And at times I understand I mean we are constantly together or now because he's away were constantly on the phone she barley calls him unless to talk to his daughter so I know there not "together" it just sucks because I'm in love I'm attached but its so complicated and we do have good times together I've had so many first with him but I don't know

Homegirl 50 · Sep 26, 2010, 01:05 PM

Well if he cheated on her, he will probably cheat on you.
There is too much drama here and it does not sound like it will get any better.
Any relationship with this much going on is a sure sign it's not one that will work.

talaniman · Sep 26, 2010, 01:07 PM

Why wouldn't he cheat on you?? He cheated on her and they probably was as much in love as you think you are now. So why wouldn't he cheat on you? This I have to know.

We all have good times with various people over time, but what makes you think this is forever? What kind of guy leaves a woman that's 3 months pregnant? And then kicks her out? Cheating is only one of the things you need to pay attention to as you could be her if your not very careful, and a lot smarter than she was/is.

Cat1864 · Sep 26, 2010, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by babyblue24

she doesnt want to be with him bc he cheated on her bad. i really dont think he wud cheat on me

Originally Posted by babyblue24

They were together for 5 yrs but he just said they just fought too much to be together. Other things went on too

You seem to be covering over ignoring the part of his past that you don't want to face. He said they broke up because they fought a lot. Why did they fight? Did his cheating have anything to do with it?

HE says they broke up and she was just living in his place when you met. Has that been confirmed by anyone else? It is hard to face the concept that you might have begun as 'the other woman' instead of the next one.

I wonder if this is pattern with him. Only this time he has a child with the ex so he isn't looking for other playmates yet.

babyblue24 · Sep 26, 2010, 04:02 PM

Yes he cheated so bad shell never forgive him and he said it would never work with her... supposedly she has a boyfriend as well

DoulaLC · Sep 26, 2010, 05:56 PM

Oh babyblue... do be careful. There are so many red flags flying here. Protect your heart until he gets things sorted out with her... custody issues, visitation, kissing her when they are supposedly broken up, that he has to hide that fact he is seeing you, etc..

Let alone that he "cheated on her so bad"... that should be a major red flag! Was this kiss he had with her during the time you were suppose to be together? This sounds like a messy relationship that you are bound to get hurt with.

At the very least, back off a bit emotionally... give him space and time. See how things unfold now that he is away at school. Odds are you will get a clearer picture with him being away.