[Mrsvirgin]

I am married to a Pakistani and its now 10 months since we are married and I'm still virgin. My husband always rejects me and don't try to have sex with me although I'm considered as beautifully and we married after too much love. He is sooo cold and not interested in my body the way other man are interested in their wives and the shocking thing is that he is fine rather happy with this situation and even asks for oral sex (of course me doing) in the time when I ask for a French kiss and he always refuses. My life has become sooo miserable and don't know what to do I even think that may be he is gay. Pleaaase tell me what to do I'm suffering a lot.

[smoothy]

Was this an arrainged marriage?

The problem is all his fault... and the fist thing is he needs to see what he has been doing wrong. Its clear he is capable, the problem is why he won't. We don't know what country you live in to guess what options you may have available to you.

[Mrsvirgin]

This is not an arranged marriage and we both live in Netherlands

[smoothy]

this is not an arranged marriage and we both live in Netherlands

Ok, that leaves you plenty of options. You could seek marriage counseling. Hopefully he would agree to it. Knowing its not an arrainged marriage, he obviously was an active participant in the marriage and you did know each other before. You have to find out if it's a mental block, or what his reason for not wanting to consummate the marriage. If he feels he isn't ready for a child... there are condoms and other birth control. I seriously doubt he is completely clueless about sex.

[Enigma1999]

I agree with Smoothy. When I first read your post, I thought perhaps this was an arranged marriage. Now that you have indicated that it wasn't, well now I just feel sorry for you.

Let me ask you, how long were you two together before marriage?

Is remaining pure a belief of his?

While you two were daing before marriage, did he ever give You oral or even deep kissing for that matter?

I am just trying to figure out what the spark was before marriage and how he was treating you before.

Did he compliment your body before marriage?

Just a little more information will help me better understand your situation.

Thank you.

[Cat1864]

First thing, stop giving him oral sex if you aren't getting anything in return.

Second, how old are both of you? Is he still a virgin, too?

Third, how is the rest of your marriage?

Fourth, Marriage Counseling sounds like a good place to begin. It may take sitting down with a neutral third party for him to understand what is wrong.

If he is Pakistani, what is his status as a citizen of your country? Does marriage make it easier for him to stay in the country?

[Catsysue]

Please talk very frankly with your husband about your wants and needs. If you don't tell him, you won't know the truth about his sexual and personal feelings. Even if you don't get the answer you want, you will at least know the truth -- and from there, you can formulate your options.

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

Are you muslim? Are there extreme circumstances if he WERE homo, and were to be found out? What are the circumstances if you stand up, as a woman?

[Mrsvirgin]

Thanks everyone for trying to help me that means too much to me.
We are both muslims but from different countries. And of course being homo is not acceptable in our cultures especially his own and for sue if he is homo then everyone will be against him including his family. If I stand up its fine because this is not a normal situation but I want still to save this marriage and don't want to be divorced because its also a bad thg in our culture and also because Im not independent financially and cannot get work here in Nederlands legally and even worst my residence rely on him if he will stop because of divorce Ihave to go back to my country and thts somethg that I don't want.

I talked with him hundreds of times about my feelings, needs... and about seeking marriage counseling but his reaction is laughing and not taking that seriously. I talk with him very calmly and in a very mature way and asking him to tell me what is in his mind or if he wants to tell me somthg that I don't know but he again take this as a joke.

And let me tell you that he is normal physically (erection) and he can ejaculate in dreams. But I really don't know what can be the reason for what he is doing.
Im thinking of telling this to someone of the family either his or mine may be I can have some help or answers to this situation? What do you think?

[Cat1864]

Im thinking of telling this to someone of the family either his or mine may be I can have some help or answers to this situation? what do you think??

First, I want to ask if you would prefer to have this moved to the Islam Board to get answers that are more religious/culture based than we are on this board?

In my culture, I would be hesitant to involve family in the private matters of the couple. For me, counseling would be a better option. However, I understand that your culture and religion are very different from my own.

I am concerned talking to a relative might result in the negative consequences which you seem to be afraid of for him and you. Is there a relative you could discuss this with who would give you aid without causing larger problems than there already are?

Have you discussed your concerns about your husband's sexuality with him? Have you told him that you feel so strongly about this that you are thinking about asking for help from a relative? Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling if he realized how serious the consequences could be?

[talaniman]

The sad part in this as I see it, is that you are so dependent on him for everything in your life that you feel you have no control. You seek answers that only he can give and have no choices for the truth. Whatever his problem, stop being a slave to it as its more him, and his way to control, than it is you at all.

I would bet that you are isolated as well, and have no friends, or a social life other than with him, so you only know what he tells you. This is actually quite common for a control freak as denying you is part of controlling you.

The goal complete submission to him in every way. This happens in every culture, and has nothing at all to do with religion, but the fact he feels entitled to treat you this way. I don't know all his motives, but can only say that if you allow it without proper explanation, it will continue and get worse. I can predict if you press him for reasons his joking manner will become mean and threatening, and he will use your dependence to keep you in line or get sent home with nothing but shame for being a bad, disobedient wife.

Talking to his family is out, they are on his side, but a trusted female friend may help if you have one, but ultimately its you getting him to be honest that's the best solution, but have a care for your own safety, and welfare as I have no clue how far he will take things if you push to hard.

You do need facts of his true intentions though, so you can at least start understanding what's up with your guy. Pay attention to his goings, and comings, and friends, and be objective and not distracted by your personal feelings as your beauty has nothing to do with why he does what he does, except breaking your spirit to keep you away from others, he may fear can offer you more, I don't know.

Why have you not taken the steps to get more independent yourself, and be able to work where you are? Oh, I forgot, he probably doesn't want you to work. Are you allowed to pray with other females? Can you trust one of them to talk to??

Get some facts, but be careful.

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

Maybe he is feeling too pressured. Try going for a while and act completely uninterested in him in that way. Stay very modest and covered, even at home... and then, after a good long while, walk across the house in your underwear or something where he can see you - but continue your disinterest. Just act casually, like you are living with a good friend. It's worth a try!

[yourmothersir]

Refusing to have sex is grounds for divorce. Sounds like he is either afraid of his performance or he's getting some on the side. He sounds like a selfish ***, always willing to let you go down, does he ever go down on you?
By all means get counseling but if he's not putting out you should put him out!

[afaroo]

Does he know that Oral sex is haram in islam, open the following links and show it to him?

I would suggest to stop giving oral sex,Thanks.

John


Islamic views on oral sex - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Questions On Sexuality