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BlazingCold · Dec 28, 2006, 08:24 PM

Hello. Happy Holidays to all.

I found out that my ex is in another relationship. She said that she didn't want a relationship with anyone when she left me, but I didn't believe her. I guess I was right. She probably said this because she "didn't want to hurt me". Fission Mailed. I'm not as upset or sick as I thought I would be, but that'll change.

I don't know what else to say...

JoeCanada76 · Dec 28, 2006, 08:33 PM

Many people do that to spare the other persons feelings but I guess it definitely hurts the other person when they find out they are going with somebody else. Honestly your better off without your ex, and it is better for you to move on and learn from this experience. Anytime you want to talk or chat. Share your thoughts this is the best place for it.

Joe

BlazingCold · Dec 28, 2006, 08:42 PM

Been 2 months of NC. I've been steeling myself against this moment for some time, and it still hurts. I have taken this all as a learning experience.

I thought that in time, I would contact her to see if she was still agreeable to a friendship. This throws a huge monkey wrench into that plan.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 28, 2006, 09:05 PM

I think it is just better living well enough alone. Sometimes it is easy staying friends after a break up but in other situations its nearly impossible.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2006, 10:46 PM

Just keep doing what your doing and live your life without her. It will hurt but as you know from reading these threads here, time heals.

BlazingCold · Dec 28, 2006, 11:08 PM

Yeah, time does do wonders. I would have felt like a huge idiot if I were to have broken NC. Still shocking that after we were so close for a year and a half, it's over in a flash. It's like, save for the memories, I have nothing to show for all that time.

But NC does work wonders. I wouldn't have gotten this far without it.

talaniman · Dec 29, 2006, 12:14 AM

It's like, save for the memories, I have nothing to show for all that time.

Your wrong there, you not only have memories, you have experience and HOPE for the future because of the experience. So, are you ready to have fun yet??:D

jrussole · Dec 29, 2006, 07:54 AM

2 months is a long time, in my opinion! It is enough time to think about what you want. It is enough time to gather your strength. It is enough time to know that it is time to move on. It is enough time to miss a person, if you really care about them. It is enough time to make changes in your life. Shall I go on?

s_cianci · Dec 29, 2006, 08:57 AM

Accept that it's over and move on. If it's any consolation to you, this new relationship probably won't last either and in the end she'll find herself all alone due to her own indecisiveness and inability to face things head-on.

BlazingCold · Dec 29, 2006, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your wrong there, you not only have memories, you have experience and HOPE for the future because of the experience. So, are you ready to have fun yet??:D

Very True. After sleeping on it, I feel better. I hope that she can find happiness in her life. I have been looking forward to my next relationship, and with what I've learned from this one, I'm sure it will be better.

I do miss her, but not as a girlfriend, just as a cool person who I have love and care for. Would it be good to call and say hello, just to see if the prospect of a friendship is possible?

@jrussole
Yes, please do! 2 months of NC has all but pushed her out of my system. I've accepted that we'll never be together again, but I don't want her to disappear.

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Accept that it's over and move on. If it's any consolation to you, this new relationship probably won't last either and in the end she'll find herself all alone due to her own indecisiveness and inability to face things head-on.

I have accepted it's over. I've accepted that for a while. I won't take happiness from her relationship failing (ok, maybe a little) nor will I be angry if this guy turns out to be the one. I only would like to be her friend, as what would hurt even more than her leaving our relationship would be not being on speaking terms with her at all.

jrussole · Dec 29, 2006, 09:13 AM

2 months is enough time to call her to say, Hi! Its enough time to tell her your feelings and that you will always care about her. Its enough time to start looking for someone else to care about. Its enough time to accept that all you can do is tell someone that you care about them and hope that someday they will realize what they lost. Its enough time to pick yourself up and find avenues of release. It is enough time to get busy doing other things than focusing on the would have, shoulda's in life. Its enough time to tell yourself you are worthy of someone better. Its enough time to pat yourself on the back for caring about a person in spite of them not caring about you. Its enough time to hope for the future. Its enough to time to dream of the possibilities of a future full of hope and happiness. Its enough time to make a resolution upon a New Year and be free of any sort of confinement whether emotional and or physical that you have placed upon yourself in the past year.

BlazingCold · Dec 29, 2006, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by jrussole

2 months is enough time to call her to say, Hi! Its enough time to tell her your feelings and that you will always care about her. Its enough time to start looking for someone else to care about. Its enough time to accept that all you can do is tell someone that you care about them and hope that someday they will realize what they lost. Its enough time to pick yourself up and find avenues of release. It is enough time to get busy doing other things than focusing on the woulda, shoulda's in life. Its enough time to tell yourself you are worthy of someone better. Its enough time to pat yourself on the back for caring about a person in spite of them not caring about you. Its enough time to hope for the future. Its enough to time to dream of the possibilities of a future full of hope and happiness. Its enough time to make a resolution upon a New Year and be free of any sort of confinement whether emotional and or physical that you have placed upon yourself in the past year.

Very well said. Most of what you've said I actively do, like looking toward the future with anticipation instead of dread. I really am looking forward to 2007 as the birth of a second me.

Instead of calling her, maybe I should send a text message simply saying "Hi, and have a happy new year". I wonder if she would respond?

talaniman · Dec 29, 2006, 09:41 AM

Instead of calling her, maybe I should send a text message simply saying "Hi, and have a happy new year". I wonder if she would respond?

This sounds like your letting your butt get comfortable on a pity pot, instead of doing the things you enjoy in life. NO CONTACT, until you can accept that she may well disappear from your life.

I only would like to be her friend, as what would hurt even more than her leaving our relationship would be not being on speaking terms with her at all.

You must be a friend to yourself, before you can be one to any one else. NO CONTACT, you don't sound healthy enough to handle a friendship with this female, as your feelings still run strong and you are holding on and in denial that you re still healing. Sorry, but don't retard your good progress in a moment of weakness.

jrussole · Dec 29, 2006, 09:43 AM

Nah, she isn't worth your energy. But if in your opinion she is, I would make it more personal. A call, a flower w/short note at her door. A note in the mail. Just to let her know, what she'll be missing! Lol

BlazingCold · Dec 29, 2006, 09:53 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This sounds like your letting your butt get comfortable on a pity pot, instead of doing the things you enjoy in life. NO CONTACT, until you can accept that she may well disappear from your life.

You must be a friend to yourself, before you can be one to any one else. NO CONTACT, you don't sound healthy enough to handle a friendship with this female, as your feelings still run strong and you are holding on and in denial that you re still healing. Sorry, but don't retard your good progress in a moment of weakness.

You know my story, You know what I've been through. How can I not be healthy enough to have a friendship? I do consider myself a great friend.

I know she can just write me off for the rest of her life, and that I may never see her again. But does that mean I can't try to at least say something to her?

Originally Posted by jrussole

Nah, she isn't worth your energy. But if in your opinion she is, I would make it more personal. A call, a flower w/short note at her door. A note in the mail. Just to let her know, what she'll be missing! lol

You and talaniman give opposing advice. What you say screams of desperation and it may give her the impression that I want her back. I do not (besides, she hates flowers). I just want to let her know that I haven't forgotten about her. She knowswhat she's missing, and by her being with someone else, it doesn't seem like it's affecting her too much.

jrussole · Dec 29, 2006, 10:09 AM

All I can say is the relationships that have stuck with me through the years of "why" I made that choice or "why" he made that choice for break-up are the ones that made me think twice, just even once. For example: As young kids, we would play "run, catch, kiss". Later we would play, "spin the bottle". After that we played, "the dating game". I found Rob to stick on me. Like glue. Years later, we found our paths. Went on a real date and had dinner. I wasn't interested in having a relationship with anyone at that point in my life. Too busy with college and a career. And I told him as such. He was heart broken. And told me as such. But the one thing that still makes me wonder about him for time to time, is that note he left at my front door one day. He told me that he will always love me. He misses the days of running, catching and kissing me, as well as spinning the bottle hoping it would land on me. And how he wished that I would have just given him a chance. Now that guy, will always pop into my head- from time to time, when I am pissed at my husband!! Can't help it, I'm human!

BlazingCold · Dec 29, 2006, 10:34 AM

Originally Posted by jrussole

All I can say is the relationships that have stuck with me through the years of "why" I made that choice or "why" he made that choice for break-up are the ones that made me think twice, just even once. For example: As young kids, we would play "run, catch, kiss". Later we would play, "spin the bottle". After that we played, "the dating game". I found Rob to stick on me. Like glue. Years later, we found our paths. Went on a real date and had dinner. I wasn't interested in having a relationship with anyone at that point in my life. Too busy with college and a career. And I told him as such. He was heart broken. And told me as such. But the one thing that still makes me wonder about him for time to time, is that note he left at my front door one day. He told me that he will always love me. He misses the days of running, catching and kissing me, as well as spinning the bottle hoping it would land on me. And how he wished that I would have just given him a chance. Now that guy, will always pop into my head- from time to time, when I am pissed at my husband!!! Can't help it, I'm human!

That makes a lot of sense. But are you in still in contact with this guy? I could do this, but it's not what I want. She knows the good times we had together and (hopefully) she will not forget them. I didn't want to talk to her for some time. Now I do. Maybe because I feel a sense of "closure" now that she's with someone else.

talaniman · Dec 29, 2006, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by BlazingCold

You know my story, You know what I've been through. How can I not be healthy enough to have a friendship? I do consider myself a great friend.

I know she can just write me off for the rest of her life, and that I may never see her again. But does that mean I can't try to at least say something to her?

I know your story very well and sorry to sound so cruel about it. I think it does more harm than good to contact your ex in any way right now and if you check for yourself, the threads in this forum where the holiday season has people dwelling on the past and wondering should I just tell her Happy New year? Understandable, but see how you feel in 30 days. After the holidays and when the emotional dust has settled. Whats the hurry?

Originally Posted by BlazingCold

You and talaniman give opposing advice. What you say screams of desperation and it may give her the impression that I want her back. I do not (besides, she hates flowers). I just want to let her know that I haven't forgotten about her. She knowswhat she's missing, and by her being with someone else, it doesn't seem like it's affecting her too much.

As a guy I have sat in your seat and from what you wrote here ,its all about her and her perceptions and not you and your motivations.

And by her being with someone else, it doesn't seem like it's affecting her too much

I feel your need for her to acknowledge you is misplaced and not healthy at this point in time. She knows you have not forgotten her and if she doesn't who cares at this point. Not in you interest to remind her you still care. Not healthy in my opinion, but only you can say what you will or need to do. I say continue with no contact.

jrussole · Dec 29, 2006, 11:12 AM

I know Rob went on to become a famous and awesome person. He is a very talented bassist in a band. And he dedicates his life to helping others, as well. We are not in touch any longer. But I know, that he will always have a special place in my heart. It's been about 25 years since he left that note at my door. I believe there are memories of people that have touched our lives, that will never come un-glued. Especially, the important ones.

If you will feel a sense of closure. Than it maybe something that you can do for you. Not her. It may make you feel better. I am sure that if I asked Rob today if sending me that note with a flower made him feel better and gave him closure, he would probably tell me it did. But that memory has stuck with me, like glue- I will admit to that.

BlazingCold · Dec 29, 2006, 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

As a guy I have sat in your seat and from what you wrote here ,its all about her and her perceptions and not you and your motivations.

I feel your need for her to acknowledge you is misplaced and not healthy at this point in time. She knows you have not forgotten her and if she doesn't who cares at this point. Not in you interest to remind her you still care. Not healthy in my opinion, but only you can say what you will or need to do. I say continue with no contact.

You are right. Maybe this was only a moment of weakness. I will continue with no contact. I don't need to prove to her that I still care, I always will.

I think this all spawned from her having a new boyfriend. I felt that since she's already with another person, it would be easier to just forget all about me. I wanted to show her that I was above all of that, and that even though she's found someone else, I would still care and love her.

Man, that sounds really stupid after thinking about it. Thanks for saving me from myself.

Originally Posted by jrussole

If you will feel a sense of closure. Than it maybe something that you can do for you. Not her. It may make you feel better. I am sure that if I asked Rob today if sending me that note with a flower made him feel better and gave him closure, he would probably tell me it did. But that memory has stuck with me, like glue- I will admit to that.

It would only make me feel better it she said she still loves and cares about me, and then proceeded to call me and want to talk to me on a regular basis. If that didn't happen, I would be devastated.