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Tee2010 · Dec 28, 2006, 05:08 PM

Hi, I'll be brief and get to the point. This man and I have been strictly platonic friends for 4yrs. Within the last 2 years we've gotten extremely close. (still platonic) We are each other's rock in good and bad times. We're both 38yrs old and we're both divorced. He now lives in another state due to his job. We insist we're just friends since we've never kissed or anything, but people see it differently. I must admit, I fell in love with him about a year ago and I think he's in love with me. We never mention other people, but we always joke about each other finding our soul mate.

My question is: :confused: How do I let him know I can no longer live like this. I want to be, not only his girlfriend but his wife. I deeply love and care for him. When he came in town to visit his parents, we talked several times on the phone daily, but didn't see each other. (He claims he was busy) Is he avoiding me because of his feelings or because he's not in love with me and don't want to hurt my feelings?

I'm usually on top of things like this, but this one has me stumped. We're both Christian and don't believe in sex outside of marriage, but that's the ONLY thing we haven't shared with each other.

Help!!

KMSRyana · Dec 28, 2006, 05:30 PM

I'd come out and say it. Tell him how you feel about him, with one condition... DO NOT tell him you want to marry him right away, he might feel pressured. I'd start with telling him that you're in love with him and you want to be his girlfriend. The marriage part will come in time if he feels the same way for you...

Good luck.

richsaha2007 · Dec 28, 2006, 06:47 PM

I just tell him how you feel. You will never know how he feels about you if you don't break the ice. Tell him how you feel.

Tee2010 · Dec 28, 2006, 06:55 PM

Thank you! You're right, I have got to tell him. I definitely won't mention the marriage part. Although, he desperately wants to be married and start a family as do I. I'm now just summoning up the courage to say it. Thanks so much!!

momincali · Dec 28, 2006, 07:58 PM

He came to town to visit his parents and didn't come to see you. I'm sorry, but that really does sound like avoidance to me, no matter how busy you are, I think he could have spared an hour or two.

If he did feel like he had to avoid you, why? Maybe he senses how you feel about him and is worried that he can't reciprocate the feelings.

Without getting mushy or serious on him, you may tell him that you would like to explore the idea of perhaps pursuing more than just a friendship with him and you'd like to know how he feels about that. However, keep in mind that once you let that cat out of the bag, he may feel awkward and not know how to respond or behave with you/toward you. It might throw a monkey wrench into the friendship itself, can you accept that?

Tee2010 · Dec 28, 2006, 08:57 PM

Momincali, you really hit the nail on the head. I totally agree about the avoidance. I'm at the point where I would risk friendship for love. We share too much together to be, what I consider, a part-time friend. When I had to go to the hospital to have my tonsils removed, he flew down here for 1day to check on me. He lives 500 miles away!

I just don't get it. He is an exceptional guy. (from most people who know him viewpoint and mine)

Thank you for being real with me! It's what I need to hear.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2006, 10:55 PM

Long distance relationships are very hard to handle, even for the most mature, down to earth people. One of you may want more time and this will be magnified by time and distance. I would feel better if you expanded your social horizons where you are, but in the end only you know if you want to take a chance with him or not. Tough situation.

Tee2010 · Dec 29, 2006, 07:52 AM

Talaniman, I totally agree. The flip side is, we got closer once he moved away. The both of us have a huge social network and I do get asked out on dates, but somehow, I manage to compare them to him and then turn them down. We tend to depend on each other for everything as though we were married, but without the romance. I read in a book that situations like this are called, "Counterfeit Oneness".

I do appreciate all of the advice on this.

s_cianci · Dec 29, 2006, 09:03 AM

As I see it, you have one of two alternatives ; either let things continue going the way they've been or go out on a limb and tell him upfront how you feel. It's impossible to predict whether he'll reciprocate if you do that. Be prepared for either outcome. Also be prepared for the possibility that, if the feeling isn't mutual, you may scare him off as a friend. There is a risk involved but, if you're not content with the way things currently are, then it may be a risk worth taking.

talaniman · Dec 29, 2006, 10:11 AM

but somehow, I manage to compare them to him and then turn them down.

There is no telling the good people you have passed up, and I feel you may have blinders on with regards to your expectations of this relationship. You are to available to him right now especially EMOTIONALLY, and why would he want more when he is quite comfortable with the way things are. Leave him alone for a while and let him chase you, so you can get a more realistic view of his true feelings, and give him a wake up call that you are not available unless he comes with something of more substance for YOU. Comparing others to him is a red flag to me that you are stuck in a fantasy you have created around him. Leave him alone and date and have fun. No expectations , no pressure. Now get on the phone and get a NEW YEARS date with a nice fellow and enjoy yourself.:)

Tee2010 · Dec 29, 2006, 10:35 AM

Talaniman,

So so true. I had two offers for New Year's Eve. One of them is going to be the lucky guy! I can't thank you enough for the straightforwardness.

Have a Happy New Year as well!

Tee

Tee2010 · Dec 29, 2006, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

There is a risk involved but, if you're not content with the way things currently are, then it may be a risk worth taking.

You're right and yes, I'm willing to take the risk because it can't stay this way.

THANK YOU!!

ordinaryguy · Dec 29, 2006, 10:58 AM

Are you sure he's not gay? It would explain his avoidance of emotional involvement.

Pooh-Bear · Dec 29, 2006, 11:04 AM

Originally Posted by Tee2010

Hi, I'll be brief and get to the point. This man and I have been strictly platonic friends for 4yrs. Within the last 2 years we've gotten extremely close. (still platonic) We are each other's rock in good and bad times. We're both 38yrs old and we're both divorced. He now lives in another state due to his job. We insist we're just friends since we've never kissed or anything, but people see it differently. I must admit, I fell in love with him about a year ago and I think he's in love with me. We never mention other people, but we always joke about each other finding our soul mate.

My question is: :confused: How do I let him know I can no longer live like this. I want to be, not only his girlfriend but his wife. I deeply love and care for him. When he came in town to visit his parents, we talked several times on the phone daily, but didn't see each other. (He claims he was busy) Is he avoiding me because of his feelings or because he's not in love with me and don't want to hurt my feelings?

I'm usually on top of things like this, but this one has me stumped. We're both Christian and don't believe in sex outside of marriage, but that's the ONLY thing we haven't shared with each other.

Help!!!

Just tell him that your ready for something more that your ready to settle down and ask him if he feels the same if says know then move on it seems as if he to afraid to ask you his self how you feel so maby it time that you step up women always has to do a man job

Tee2010 · Dec 29, 2006, 11:37 AM

Ordinary Guy - That's one thing I'm definitely sure of. I do love when guys give their opinions, it's usually things we women don't always think of. Thank you!

Pooh Bear - I'm planning on having the "talk" tonight. We either move forward as a couple or we go our separate ways as friends. I say that because I don't think we could truly be as close of friends as we are with my feelings like they are. It's not fair to him or me. Thank you for your comments.

talaniman · Dec 29, 2006, 12:54 PM

We either move forward as a couple or we go our separate ways as friends. I say that because I don't think we could truly be as close of friends as we are with my feelings like they are. It's not fair to him or me. Thank you for your comments.

Amazing statement you have made here, because since before Christmas myself and others have been disputing the fact that some young ladies(and gentlemen) here want to remain close friends with their exes after a break up. A bad idea without the necessary maturity to deal with this, and the problems and feelings that are leftover after the break up. To hear you state that it's a bad idea, just renews my faith that time does make us smarter and I hope those in question read your words. My personal THANKS for you posting here.;) :)

KMSRyana · Dec 29, 2006, 01:50 PM

Best of luck having your talk tonight. I hope everything works out well.

Tee2010 · Dec 29, 2006, 02:54 PM

Stay tuned... I'll post the results of our "talk" tomorrow. My stomach is in knots, but I feel very confident and good about talking to him about our relationship or lack thereof. This board has helped me not only realize but verbalize my feelings. I really don't know what will come of it, but I know I'll be a better person for having done it.

Thanks KMSRyana and everyone else for the well wishes!

Tee

BIM · Dec 29, 2006, 03:11 PM

I would do what you are about to do. If you known each other for as long as you say, then there is no need to keep them inside any longer. If you feel this stongly it is not fair for you to not know how he feels. If he doesn't feel the same way, then you can move on to someone who does.

I hope it works out for you, let us know! :D

Tee2010 · Dec 31, 2006, 02:43 PM

Okay folks... we had the talk. Boy was I nervous. I am usually the most confident person ever but all of a sudden when he picked up the phone, I was shaking like jell-o. It was a feeling I don't remember having... ever. Well, I started the conversation with talking about our friendship and the fact that we're each other's significant other without the significance. :) He agreed and knew immediately where I was going. I DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEAK ANOTHER WORD!! Whew for my nerves! He went into how badly he was hurt in his divorce (8 yrs ago) and how he's had relationships but always manage to keep them at bay, until me. He wants to move to the next level and couldn't imagine his life without me. He gave me 6 individual times he was going to talk to me about us (I remembered the situations), but somehow something always came up or he chickened out.

The talk lasted for 4 1/2 hours! He is flying here to spend New Year's Eve with me and he said that should be the "real" beginning for our relationship.

I feel like it's a movie, but it's really real! I actually told him about this site, and all of the comments. It bothered him to think that I was at the point of jumping ship. We are on our way. The GREAT part about all this is, HE brought up the subject of marriage. I can't begin to tell you how good I feel. We're not kids so I know it's a lot of work, but I'm up for the challenge and for the next chapter in our lives.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I'll keep you all updated. This is a great site and I'm unbelievably thrilled to have stumbled across it.

Tee Jordan (soon-to-be Bryant) :))))