[DG]

I've been married for 36 years , yes to the same woman.
She still talks to one of her high school boy friends. they still meet and have lunch togather.they invite me about every time , but the what I see it that's her friend . If you were given the chance to clear everything up, or talk to him and didn't , you should have done it.
I don't think you have anything to worry about , sounds like she loves you , this guy is just her friend , try to be open minded about it. Betting mad and raising cane will only cause trouble
LUCK

[Kitkat22]

I've been married for 36 years , yes to the same woman.
she still talks to one of her high school boy friends ., they still meet and have lunch togather.they invite me about every time , but the wat I see it thats her friend . if you were given the chance to clear everything up, or talk to him and didn't , you should have done it.
I don't think you have anything to worry about , sounds like she loves you , this guy is just her friend , try to be open minded about it. betting mad and raising cane will only cause trouble
LUCK

I totally disagree with you. She told her husband she didn't have the same feelings for him as she did this guy. She may not have slept with him, but she is emotionally cheating on her husband. Does your wife send valentines with mushy s*** to her friends? I think not.

[DoulaLC]

Keep in mind that she never sent this letter.

You really do need to get to the bottom of this. What about a three-way call between all of you? Uncomfortable, no doubt, but there would be no coaching beforehand and you could get both their takes on the situation. He needs to be told that this is wrong on his part as well. Whether he has feelings for her or not, he has to see that she does.

What does she have to say about "not being able to give herself totally to you because she still loves him"? Could it have been written at a time when there was friction in your relationship and the grass was looking greener?

What has your relationship been like over the years? Has she ever voiced any displeasure, unhappiness, etc.

It very well may be that she is holding onto some feelings from the past and that is all there is to it. Ask her... point blank.

What does she want from your marriage? What are her feelings for this man? What would she think if you were doing the same with a girlfriend from the past?

It is inappropriate and it needs to stop. Suggest she attend counseling with you.

If she balks at ending the relationship with him, has no interest in making your marriage better, sees nothing wrong with what she has been doing, you may have to consider your options as painful as it may be.

[Jake2008]

So what are you left with here, Shaken.

You think there have been opportunities for them to get together, and that they may very well have had an ongoing affair for some time, and it is an affair, whether they did the dirty or not.

I have not heard you say that you have had a serious talk with just her. Sitting down, talking about what it all means. Some of the questions might include:

- are you planning to leave me, to be with him.
- have the two of you made actual plans to do so
- if you aren't planning on being together, are you planning on ending this affair
- will you attend counselling
- what time frame is reasonable for you to move out if you decide the marriage is over

It really is time for the nitty gritty here, and I'm wondering why you are still wondering about what has gone on, far more than what needs to go on, now, between only the two of you.

For whatever reason, it all boils down to her having a man on the side. She has not indicated, from what you have said, that she is willing to give him up.

Perhaps be practical and at least take necessary steps to protect yourself, your home, your assets, your children. If push comes to shove, and there is a plan in the works for the two of them to abandon their marriages, then you need to be prepared. See a lawyer, find out what you need to know in order to be prepared, should she decide to leave.

While this is still all unravelling, and you are only beginning to understand the depth of their actions together, try to think rationally too. If a legal separation is necessary, your lawyer can help guide you, but my whole point is, don't be caught off guard.

I'm wondering if her reluctance to either stay in the marriage and attend counselling, and give up her boyfriend, isn't happening, because there is more going on behind the scenes that you are not aware of.

Just be prepared.

[ShakenHusband]

Folks, it's me - ShakenHusband. I've received a few messages asking "How is it going?" Well I decided to wait until our youngest was graduated and moving out. That is probably going to happen within the next few months. (He's getting a real nice job and going to tech school)

I felt I needed to be there for my kids until they were on their own - regardless how their mother felt about me (or not felt about me). Now I'm considering moving on as the situation hasn't got worse or better. I know she still loves her ex boyfriend (who has little to any communication with her). Some of you may remember - she NEVER tells me she loves me unless I tell her first. So I decided on JAN 1st 2012 to not say it all and see what happens. She's told me 3 times since JAN 1st - when I was leaving to catch a flight and was traveling for a few days.

We both are strong believers and attend worship services together - we do the 'traditional family stuff' together and act like everything is okay. She knows something is wrong with me but hasn't said anything - it's not like to dig in peoples head anyway.

My choices are:
1. Stay with her until we die and basically 'Co-Exist'. I will continue go to bed every night KNOWING MY WIFE LOVES SOMEONE ELSE.
2. We go are separate ways. If this happens - the families will be heartbroken. The kids will have hard feeling toward her (if they find out the truth) and the entire little town we live will become gossip city for a few days (until they find someone else to gossip about - which I don't care what people say - honestly)

How does a guy continue in a marriage knowing his wife loves somebody else?

[talaniman]

Thanks guy for coming back with an update for your situation. I think maybe more would be accomplished by disclosing to her, as you have with us, your exact feelings and intentions. Boggles my mind that you were not more proactive in getting facts instead of acting on just feelings. If I were in your shoes, and to some extent I have been, I would have seen that her friend, ex, or whatever and I were on the same page.

I would know him, and he I, well enough to either trust him or not, and decide if he was a family friend or not. I can't believe you have not done so in the time you have discovered they were in contact. Secondly you complained in the past she promise to disclose all communication and had not done so, but I would have insisted and waited until she did. I mean too be fair, this is something that you should have pressed as in "okay, show me NOW!" when she agreed to. How hard is that?

Thirdly and most importantly, This really should have been resolved long ago, through honest communications and setting boundaries of friendship and conduct you both can agree on. I mean why co exist when you can agree and come to terms and have understanding. I think maybe you and your wife have lousy straight communications and you both are disconnected from each others minds. Of course we have only your side of it, which for a fact is biased and fueled by hurt, and fear, leading too much suspicion without facts, after all this time, still no facts.

Lets be clear, facts that come from talking directly, and honestly to her. For instance, I would know NOW what happens after the nest became empty. I would know what she wants from you, and not just co exist for the children's sake and hope she gets the blame when you leave. This façade of co-existence is not sincere, on your part, no matter what she does, or has done.

Harshness Warning

As you can see from my first post on this thread, and it should be obvious I am not one to let things go unsaid or unknown with my own wife (35 years), and I feel that's why you have let this fester far to long, without taking the proper steps at honest communications. I think you take responsibility for your own inaction, by neither confronting this or communicating your real feelings and setting the boundaries of good behavior. That's on YOU, not her.

So now you wonder how you can co exist? My friend that's all you have been doing since this started. But you cannot even enjoy your own wife co existing because she has love feelings for another. I mean if she says "I love you" more would you believe it? And what kind of solution is it to with hold "I love you" from her?

So in effect, you call this a marriage? If it was you would have been talking and working together, or gotten help to know how. YOU have suggested none of these things, yet have accepted keeping up appearances for the kids.

That hasn't brought you peace so do this my way and sit her down and start being honest, and truthful about how this has made you feel, and tell her to clear this up, and make you feel better or you are out of here. That would at least be honest! Your approach so far is NOT!!

Get things out where you both can deal with this HONESTLY!

[ShakenHusband]

Thanks for the response.

If you had to 'rank' marriages around you from 1 to 10 - you would find different numbers from the same couple. People value their marriages differently. Guys usually rank on amount of sex, amount of respect and domestic quality of their wives. Simple for guys. Women however use 2700 things to rank their relationship with their husbands.

Since I don't mingle in others relationship - I only rank mine. But since the revelation of heart 'split heart'... I've added a couple more things to my ranking.

We are only here for little while then we have eternity on the other side. Therefore the really only thing that matters is how I live and serve my God. I don't want my wife to tell me she loves me when she don't - you are right there. It was very important for us to hang together as our latest child exited school and migrate into the working life. He needed (and still needs) my guidance. I did not want to abandon him for several reasons that were time sensitive. Now that time is about to run it's course - I've a decision to make regarding our relationship as a living in the same house.

Life and the Bible have taught me that 'nobody else can make me happy and live a fulfilled life here on earth'. I can and have churn my own level of happiness - but we as earthly beings aren't promised 'happiness' as such. But we are promised a great eternity if we believe and behave. I can do both. I'm more excited about my life on the other side than this side... to be honest. :)

What I'm looking for is advice on how to co-exist with her - if I decide to stay. There have been plenty of talk and discussion. It's out there - she will never stop loving him and she's never going to tell me she loves me on any frequent occurrence - so I've come to accept that. I care nothing about "finding love" somewhere else. I love her... period. All throughout history books and movies are read and seen about lost love - I suppose I could write country song!

I'm looking for people that may have experience (personal or have knowledge of) similar relationships.

Thanks,
Shaken

Thanks guy for coming back with an update for your situation. I think maybe more would be accomplished by disclosing to her, as you have with us, your exact feelings and intentions. Boggles my mind that you were not more proactive in getting facts instead of acting on just feelings. If I were in your shoes, and to some extent I have been, I would have seen that her friend, ex, or whatever and I were on the same page.

I would know him, and he I, well enough to either trust him or not, and decide if he was a family friend or not. I can't believe you have not done so in the time you have discovered they were in contact. Secondly you complained in the past she promise to disclose all communication and had not done so, but I would have insisted and waited until she did. I mean too be fair, this is something that you should have pressed as in "okay, show me NOW!" when she agreed to. How hard is that?

Thirdly and most importantly, This really should have been resolved long ago, thru honest communications and setting boundaries of friendship and conduct you both can agree on. I mean why co exist when you can agree and come to terms and have understanding. I think maybe you and your wife have lousy straight communications and you both are disconnected from each others minds. Of course we have only your side of it, which for a fact is biased and fueled by hurt, and fear, leading to much suspicion without facts, after all this time, still no facts.

Lets be clear, facts that come from talking directly, and honestly to her. For instance, I would know NOW what happens after the nest became empty. I would know what she wants from you, and not just co exist for the children's sake and hope she gets the blame when you leave. This facade of co-existence is not sincere, on your part, no matter what she does, or has done.

Harshness Warning

As you can see from my first post on this thread, and it should be obvious I am not one to let things go unsaid or unknown with my own wife (35 years), and I feel thats why you have let this fester far to long, without taking the proper steps at honest communications. I think you take responsibility for your own inaction, by neither confronting this or communicating your real feelings and setting the boundaries of good behavior. Thats on YOU, not her.

So now you wonder how you can co exist? My friend thats all you have been doing since this started. But you cannot even enjoy your own wife co existing because she has love feelings for another. I mean if she says "I love you" more would you believe it? And what kind of solution is it to with hold "I love you" from her?

So in effect, you call this a marriage? If it was you would have been talking and working together, or gotten help to know how. YOU have suggested none of these things, yet have accepted keeping up appearances for the kids.

That hasn't brought you peace so do this my way and sit her down and start being honest, and truthful about how this has made you feel, and tell her to clear this up, and make you feel better or you are out of here. That would at least be honest! Your approach so far is NOT!!!

Get things out where you both can deal with this HONESTLY!

[J_ology]

Before you read, I am a 25yr old guy in his first relationship with our own ups and downs, as well as the old boyfriend trying to spring up communication every now and again story too getting played out.

I read your story and your update, it sort of worries and scares me, so I am sorting of writing this to my future self.

One I commend you on thinking of your kids first and trying to be a stand up father. I didn't have a father growing up, you were thinking less of yourself and for the kids, I like.

But now you need to think more of yourself and what you want or need. I really believe you have more options than just 2. I would re-read and read all the posts by talaniman, the guy has depth and knowledge, read in between the lines, in the lines of everything he is saying or not saying.

With my current search for "what love is?" there is only one truth I have found. Love is not something you have, its not an object (Not a Noun) instead love is something you Do, it is an action (a Verb). I look at a quote from talaniman's latest response "I think you take responsibility for your own inaction." If you plan to stay in this marriage, you need restart the Action of loving. Maybe plan events with only you and her, maybe a vacation or simply a night on the town (multiple of events). Court her again. But take some of the knowledge you have gleaned from the past to not let things recur.

It was right to give her "some" space, but playing the waiting the game on the love is unacceptable. Take over the reins and steer her emotions towards you. Its not going to be easy and the majority of the effort, unfortunately, will come from you end. This is where you need to know what you really want, really want. From this marriage. Are you willing to still fight for it, but truly fight to get what you deserve back. Again I am young and in my 1st relationship, I personally don't like overly talking about things (which currently gets me in issues with my lady) so my 1st suggestion wouldn't be counseling, instead I am saying if you want love go get it by all mines, and court your wife again, and be patience and have faith it will work out and it will return and stay.

On the logical/realistic note: if taking charge doesn't work after awhile of strongly approaching it at different angles. (and patiently waiting enough time for the results to be in your favor) Cut your loses if they don't return. I was raised by a single mother that is devout in her faith, God doesn't want or force us to stay with someone we can't. It is not helpful in either one of your spiritual journeys. Stay strong. Pray, but don't wait for answers, use the meditative power of constant pray to get you to the right state to invoke change instead of waiting for it.