[mumsbum]

I am 29 and have 3 kids and was in a relationship with their dad for 10 years. I have always had the odd cheeky look at women and found them attractive but never acted on anything as I always just thought I was straight had kids, family life and that was that. I enrolled at uni last sept and met some friends there but split with my fella 4 months after. I began a friendship with a lesbian who I had a lot in common with until she started bombarding me with phone calls texts, the lot like I have never been before, worse than a man but I found I didn't really mind. We fell in love rapidly and within 5 months she had moved in with me and the kids. My children look on my partner as my uni friend and don't know any different, they see her as a lodger. My eldest though is in her early teens and does not know, I have only told close friends because of the mass eruptions that will follow with the ex and his family but mainly I worry about what people will say in school to my children because kids can be cruel. Me and my partner have never experienced love like this and are really serious about each other but I worry everyday about the trouble when coming clean to everyone, has anyone been in my position and help?!

[CravenMorhead]

You're going to have to pay the piper and face the music sooner or later.

So, from what it looks like, you're just taking the natural course in life. Specifically what is natural to you. Nothing to be worried or ashamed about. It looks like you've done right by all parties involved.

A few things though, the dissolution of a ten year relationship will most likely be messy. Regardless of whether you're dating a woman, man, or no one, you're going to catch a little flack. Being open and honest from the get go is important. Make sure your partner and yourself are on the same page. As well make sure your kids are apprised about what is going on. They are going to be having a lot of people tell them a lot of things in the next bit. Tell your family and inlaws. It is always better for it to come from you than from the kids or someone else third hand or as a rumour. That'll do more damage than good.

The important there here is to do right by yourself. In the end you'll be the person you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

Good Luck

[mumsbum]

Cheers for that CravenMorhead,
Its only ever been the kids I have been worried about in all this, not the 'am I arnt I gay' dilema, so many sites I have looked on show women just going on about their sexual orientation and not giving a second thought to their children and how they will accept the situation. Its so hard for me and my partner to live a constant lie to everyone and never be like a normal couple until all my kids are asleep or at their fathers so I know its time to bite the bullet, but its scary for my partner and gut wrenching for me when I think of the kids and what they are about to go through.

[martinizing2]

Before you let too many others know, I would suggest (if this has not been done) that you make sure all legal matters have no loose ends.

Do you have legal (court ordered) custody?
When the excrement encounters the air distribution system, trying to get you declared an unfit parent and getting custody and/or visitation revoked is often the first line of attack.

Hopefully this will not turn into a circus , with the kids in the center ring, but I'd prepare for the worst and pray for the best.

This will require exceptional strength from you and your partner to overcome what you are about to face.
Tolerance has come a long way, but still has a long way to go.

And five months is not a long time to get to know someone. Consider giving this more time before you open the flood gates.
But take care of the legal ends NOW!

I pray you make the decisions that are best for you and your children.

I wish you well.

[mumsbum]

I don't think it would go as far as my ex going for custody of the children, I cannot see how he could ever make me be seen as an unfit parent due to the reasons split in the first place (him being into coke too much alcohol and having a terrible temper). My ex will hit back at me by filling my eldest child's head with nonsense ( my other 2 children are too young too understand really). I will look into the legal side though Martinizing2 and maybe it's a case of we should just be happy with what we have got and not say anything to anyone until it is absolutely necessary. I understand about the '5 months isn't long time to get to know somebody' and as a normally very sensible person I would have agreed looking in on this situation as an outsider, but she had to move out of her place at the time and it was the perfect situation and when you love someone this much you physically cannot be away from them, believe me I have never felt like this about ANYONE ever. Oh what to do what to do, very confused :-(

[Tiptoe511]

Hi mumsbum-

You gave me such good advice that I had to see your story.
It sounds like there are a lot of different people you're trying to please. I think your worry about your kids is normal and you wouldn't be a good mom if you didn't think those things.

I'm not sure where you live to know how accepted your lifestyle is. As a teacher, I have students with same sex parents. You're right when it comes to teenagers being cruel... they just don't understand the world yet. However, if you build good self esteem with your own children and prepare them ahead of time... they'll be OK... kids are resilient with support. They might not accept your partner at first like what you envision, buy most likely it's due to anger at the changes going on and loss of their routine family. With time, they will accept the new partner and, if she stays in their life a long time, will view her as a big support & part of the family.

I think if you've found love with someone, then keep it. Some people search their whole life for it. And talk about loved kids--3 people supporting them as they grow!

Introducing the new love slowly to all parties might be wise. Taking the ex out for coffee perhaps at some point too to discuss and reassure that his role and support hasn't changed. Reassurance is big for all too.

And, as your younger ones reach high school they might just learn survival techniques that might be har for you, yet work for them in their fish bowl world.
Ie: I had one student with same sex parents who lied and said to other teenage boys ( jocks) that he had a dad and mum. But, his close friends new. I never said anything but behind the scenes I would talk with him about this lie. He said he loved his mum and accepted her partner but didn't want to be different at school. He's popular at school, on the football team and very charismatic. He's fine. Your kids will be fine because you're there and you love them.

Communication, respect and love... all you need.
All the best