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llb1967 · Sep 14, 2010, 09:26 AM

I have been married for 42 years, my husband has had numerous affairs over the years. He left me 10 months ago, repeatily said he didn't want a divorce and that he still loved me, then out of the blue ask for a divorce. He will not talk to me, via email or on the phone. How can someone just walk out of someone else life after 42 years of marriage and not care?

beachloverjohn · Sep 14, 2010, 09:34 AM

I hate to tell you this, but he stopped caring years ago. A man that has "numerous affairs" doesn't really care about his wife. More importantly, why you have put up with this unfaithful behavior all this time is the real question you should ask yourself. Be glad you're finally rid of this immoral man, but you should have left him along time ago. And by the way, this coward doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would walk out on you unless he has someone to go to. Just my opinion.

smoothy · Sep 14, 2010, 09:36 AM

I think you would have to get inside his head to figure that one out.

Personally, I can't see how you or him could simply walk away and not care at all without a really big fight or something similar happening.

I think there were a lot of events that transpired that you are not aware of.

While I can understand how he could have fooled around (I'm NOT justifying it at all) I could not simply walk away from someone I really cared about so casually. Heck its painful to walk away from a friend that made some reallyl bad life choices, and that would be easy compaired to someone you were married to nearly your entire adult life.

answerme_tender · Sep 14, 2010, 09:45 AM

The man doesn't really understand what it means to love a woman. Love to him is whatever he is feeling at the moment. He needs that constant "New Passion" feeling, otherwise he would have never cheated in first place. He will just continue to do same crap to anyone else. The question is aren't you ready to move on and find some REAL happiness for yourself. Find a real man, who knows the real meaning of the words, honesty, commitment, and not risking bringing home STD to our wife. I won't waste the paper it will take to wipe him out of your life.

llb1967 · Sep 14, 2010, 10:05 AM

I have to stop trying to analyze him and move on. It is really hard. He says we grew apart.

smoothy · Sep 14, 2010, 10:15 AM

Sounds like a lost cause... would you even want him back at this point anyway... really?

You don't NEED his permission to file for divorce... you can do it yourself. You have all the reason in the world to do it and win and get your due, 42 years, you earned it.

Unless you live in an Islamic country... I assume you don't. Even if you were a housewife... you get half, including half his SSI I think.

Wondergirl · Sep 14, 2010, 10:16 AM

I'm sorry to hear another marriage is ending. I've been married for 43 years and can imagine the devastation you feel.

If he's been having affairs for years, he's not just suddenly walking out on you and your life. He's been doing that steadily again and again.

Do you have a support group to help you through this -- family members, friends, children?

Originally Posted by llb1967

He says we grew apart.

Um, yeah. Wonder how that happened...

llb1967 · Sep 14, 2010, 10:20 AM

I do have a support group. I keep searching for answers. This string of comments is very helpful. Thanks

Wondergirl · Sep 14, 2010, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by llb1967

I do have a support group. I keep searching for answers. this string of comments is very helpful. thanks

Why all the affairs? What did he think was missing in your marriage? What was he looking for in other women? -- youth? Sexiness? A good cook? Short flings with no responsibility?

beachloverjohn · Sep 14, 2010, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by llb1967

I do have a support group. I keep searching for answers. this string of comments is very helpful. thanks

If he left you ten months ago, and now wants a divorce and won't talk to you, and has a history of having affairs, wouldn't it be a good possibility that he is involved with another woman? Would that not be the answer you are looking for? I'm not trying to be cruel, but he showed his true colors when he decided to start cheating on you. Your marriage has been over a lot longer then ten months..

llb1967 · Sep 14, 2010, 10:34 AM

Growing old always bothered him. I think he was looking for youth.
He didn't like it when he became a grandfather. I am a great cook, mother, caretaker.

I am sure he is involved with someone he works with but he denies it.

Wondergirl · Sep 14, 2010, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by llb1967

I am sure he is involved with someone he works with but he denies it.

No woman will ever be able to "fill him up." I'm guessing he won't be faithful to this one either.

beachloverjohn · Sep 14, 2010, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by llb1967

growing old always bothered him. I think he was looking for youth.
He didn't like it when he became a grandfather. I am a great cook, mother, caretaker.

Another words, you were the perfect housekeeper. He could have hired someone to do that, but unfortunately, he had you do it for free. You sound like a wonderful woman, and mother, and this guy eventually will realize what he threw away, but rest assured you will sleep better at nights, and he will end up alone and miserable.

smoothy · Sep 14, 2010, 11:02 AM

Originally Posted by llb1967

growing old always bothered him. I think he was looking for youth.
He didn't like it when he became a grandfather. I am a great cook, mother, caretaker.

Trust me... when its too late he will see what he walked away from...

And like the old saying goes... the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. He's going to learn that... but the gate will be closed.

llb1967 · Sep 14, 2010, 11:02 AM

Thank you.

ann50 · Sep 19, 2010, 04:45 AM

I am sorry to hear that, I myself is in the process of getting a divorce after 29 years, he wants it ,claim that I don't OBEY him! I am confuse, hurt, sad and tired of figthing for this man to see his mistake, so I am letting go and trusting in only one man Jesus.

JudyKayTee · Sep 20, 2010, 01:00 PM

You don't obey him? He's looking for a dog, not a wife. No, on second thought, my dogs don't always obey me.

If he's been having affairs he's had one foot outside the marriage for a long time. I'm an investigator - there are one time cheaters who learn a lesson and serial cheaters. Appears he is the latter and every time you forgave him you gave him license to have another affair. Not blaming you, just saying what I've learned over the years.

How does someone walk out after 40+ years? I have no idea but I do know it happens.

I'm a widow. A friend of mine was divorced about the same time my husband died. Once she said to me, "I can understand your pain and loss but you have to understand that my pain is worse. You husband didn't want to go. Mine did." At first I couldn't believe she said that but as time has gone on, I DO understand and she is in many ways right.

It's hard to be left.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Kitkat22 · Sep 20, 2010, 01:33 PM

Geesh what a mean old guy! He is no spring chicken and he probably has stock in the Viagra company.
Don't shed another tear over him. You are better off without the rotten creep.

Get out with your friends, go on a cruise, sell the house and move to a condo. Make some decisions about your life that doesn't involve him. No offense to you, you seem to be a very caring person, but him! I hope it falls off.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 20, 2010, 02:01 PM

Move on. This guy was gone a long time ago, starting with his first affair.
He may have found a young chicky who has him by the you know what.

DoulaLC · Sep 20, 2010, 04:25 PM

llb1967... I am sorry you are going through this experience. Wishing you strength and wisdom. Surround yourself with good support. In time you will look to some new experiences and opportunities, and time with friends and family.