[KISSROMEO2]

I've posted on this issue before but no one responded, so here I am again, hoping for some emotional help and support because I feel like I'm about to split my lid, so to speak.

My mother sought physical custody of both my daughters earlier this year, and won only custody of one - because the other's father didn't recognize the paperwork and therefore didn't have a say in edgewise (which he probably wouldn't have anyway), but needless to say, my mother got full physical custody and partial legal custody of my oldest daughter, who is 3. I didn't particularly fight her because I was in an abusive marriage and was basically immature when it came to my daughters. My children continued to stay at my mother's house because my husband and I hadn't gotten a place - He and I lived in the bad place of town with his alcoholic father, which I didn't want the girls around.

To put it bluntly, my youngest daughter, is "fair game" and it is thrown up in my face regularly.

She filed for child support, which I have not paid, and now have a "contempt" hearing on January 17th court hearing. Which I am thrilled about ((sarcasm)) but hope to contest.

I separated from my husband in July and moved back into my mother's house in August. Since the day I moved back in, I have taken care of my daughter's non stop.

My mother refuses to buy groceries for the girls stating they are my responsibility and therefore, she will not care for them. Based on the reciepts, I go grocery shopping every 9 days and spend between $44 and $84 each time. This feeds myself, my daughters, and my boyfriend. When I am low on food, or perhaps the girls are upstairs down for a nap and they awake - she says "go downstairs and eat with your mother" instead of offering something she has upstairs even if we have bare cubbards.

My mother considers taking care of the girls as "babysitting."

My mother works on salary and works from 8:45am to 5:00pm. She prefers to stay at work (although she doesn't get overtime) and then comes home usually after 9pm.
The girls are, by far, already in bed, and she disrupts them nearly every night.
*part of the reason she said I was a "unresponsible mother" at the original custody hearing was due to my lack of schedule and that I visited at such random hours and disrupting my daughter's sleep schedule*

My mother takes prescription Ambien, every night. She is so "out of it" that *I* have to tuck her into bed and othertimes, I have to pick her up from some slumped over position on a chair. I am so frustrated with this. It honestly scares me because, if I got a midnight job, like the one I just had to QUIT, then she would never be AWAKE if there was a fire or if something happened. For instance, just two weeks ago, my youngest daughter had pnemonia and I had her in the ER. She was prescribed a medication which was to be given orally every four hours. The shift was for eight hours and my mom refused to NOT take her Ambien, so I was forced to skip work. It continued on and eventually, I had to simply tell them I couldn't risk leaving my family at home while my mom was drugged up. This was my one and only excuse. I have spoken to her about this problem and she assure me she would awake if something happened, however, plenty of times I have spoken to her while she was in her "daze" and yet she had no recollection of it in the morning. Hense, my fear.

Also, my mother refuses to pick the girls up from daycare or to daycare in the morning, hense why I have to get a job based around those hours... HOWEVER, my daughters have asthma problems and problems with their bowels, so they are frequently sent home from daycare which means I have to leave work. No one else will pick them up and quite frankly, they mean more to me than any job ever could.

My mother refuses to drive the girls anywhere. Right now, I have an unsafe car but am required to drive them since my mom refuses to. It scares me. I just bought prepaid phones so I would have a way to contact the 'outside' world if my car broke down. It is only used for this circumstance yet my mother rants that I wasted my money. I'm so scared to drive with the girls without having a way to contact 911.

It states in the custody/visitation agreement, I would pick up the girls to and from daycare, at ease, but have them consistently every Sunday from 8am - 2pm.
HOWEVER, ever since I have moved in, the girls have been my responsibility (which I agree to - duh) but

**my mother still wants to keep custody of my eldest daughter and now wants custody of my youngest daughter because she feels that I do not take good care of them.**

I am trying to get my own place because, quite frankly, my mom and I can't live side by side as she continues to degrade my parenting and then threatens to go for further custody. Not to mention, I want the courts to look more favorably towards me and not as a free-loading disrespectful child.

By the way, the agreement was made that in order to stay at my mother's house rent free, my boyfriend and I were to work refinishing my mother's basement, which we have continued to do.

Child support: My oldest daughter's father, pays roughly $700+ a month in child support. The other father pays nothing. Neither father has anything to do with their child. I was ordered to pay $56 a week, for my eldest daughter. No child support was ordered for my youngest daughter since the custody order was dismissed because the father wasn't brought to the hearing.

I know this doesn't seem like a high order since I have been working, off and on, but in reality it is when I'm trying to make my life straight, get a better car (it's about to die), get insurance money for whatever car I can find cheap, keep the girls on the straight and narrow road, get my own place, pay for all groceries, etc.

Thus far, the girls are no longer on medical assistance. I have never had food stamps. I have had medical insurance through the state when I returned to college a few years back but it canceled itself a month ago because I didn't renew it.
I know these things are there for people to get back on their feet, etc, but I always feel like there is someone else who probably needs it more.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am so stressed out.

I went to a child support meeting in late November which they found me to be in contempt. I offered paperwork stating the proof that I had indeed been taking care of the girls full time while my mother does not care for them except for paying one week of daycare (which I could get a childcare help service's help with, if need be) and the case worker simply stated, "I don't need that. The only issue is child support."

HOW CAN THIS NOT BE A MATTER OF THE COURTS? Um, HELLO! Why does this WOMAN have child support of my DAUGHTER and getting CHILD SUPPORT when she does not TAKE CARE OF THEM!?

In no way am I refusing to take care of my girls, nor do I feel like I'm doing "too much" for them... Not at all... my girls are my life and I can't imagine life without them or even before they came into my life. To me, the girls are everything.
To have my mom dangle them in front of my face as if they are some sort of toy, infuriates me. I feel like she is a money-hungry b... tch and quite frankly, I am tired of it.

I don't know what else to do in order to be taken seriously.

Any advice or even a shoulder to lean on??
THANKS!

[Ace High]

Hi Kiss,

Sounds like a saying about "laying in your own bed of roses." Your MOTHER did not have these kids. You did. You are responsible for them. Where are the fathers?? I hate to ask the age difference. If you could not afford one, why are there two?? Blame your mother for your actions?! This post is a bunch of excuses for your actions!!

From your post " HOW CAN THIS NOT BE A MATTER OF THE COURTS"? Um... HELLO! Why does this WOMAN have child support of my DAUGHTER and getting CHILD SUPPORT when she does not TAKE CARE OF THEM!? "

Your mother shouldn't have to take care of YOUR KIDS!! You post says you are receiving $700 and you have a live in boyfriend; move out get your own place and support yourself.!

It always seems to be that everyone wants to blame the parents or something else for their lifestyles.

Grow up. Stop relying on society for you to have boyfriend number 3!!

Ace High

[JoeCanada76]

My advice, is would be to do everything in your power to show the courts that you are responsible enough is to get a decent place over your head for one. To take care of yourself and your children. Also you need to do everything in your power to try to let the lawyer or courts know that you want full custody of your older daughter.

There are several programs that are out there to help others in difficult situations. If you do not seek them out and get there help from them then it shows that you are not trying to do anything at all.

Also about different medical problems, especially asthma I know all about asthma and medications can become very expensive depends on how severe the asthma is but you it was you that decided not to sign up for more insurance. That was a stupid thing to do, especially when you need that insurance for your children.

Anyway, hope you appreciate the answers that you have received this time around.

Good luck to you and your children in the future.

Joe

[bkdaniels]

KISSROMEO2, you have all the advice and support you need. As an Excel Representative, I learned one of the most important aspects of goal setting from an Ambassador out of South Carolina, named Beth Phillips.

She brought up a story that happened a few years back, that I am sure many of you have read about in the paper, there was a mom who weighed all of 98lbs, who stayed up North, that was washing dishes and looking out the window, watching her 16 year old son and some of his friends work on an old car that he had purchased.

And the car fell on that child. She was there in the kitchen looking out the window when it happened.

That 98lb woman pick-up that car and moved it off that child. The reason she was able to do this was because she had a WHY.

There is an old saying, if you WHY is big enough, the HOW will come. That 98lbs woman picked that car up and his friends pulled him from under it.

That is the power that your WHY can give you. And KISSROMEO2, when you right down your goals, whatever they maybe, also write down your reason for accomplishing them.

Whether its because you want a better life for your kids, to build a new house or buy yourself your dream car, or even give your kids a college education our reason for success is because we are so crystal clear as to why we do things. And whatever your reason is, I want you to take a picture of it and hang it on the wall, on your office desk, or anywhere that you can see it (every morning when you wake up).

If you want a new home, cut out the picture of a house you want and put it in a place where you can see it all the time. You will notice the difference it will make of how much you stay focused.

Hope this helps.

REFERENCE(S)

1. Mardie Caldwell, COAP, 10 Steps to Realizing Your Adoption Goals - Every Time! (Online: Adoption Media, LLC, 2006) 10 Steps to Realizing Your Adoption Goals - Every Time! -

2. SalesExcellence, Stay Focused On Your Objectives (Online: salesexcellence.com, 2006) Stay Focused

[KISSROMEO2]

~*Ace High*~ My mother took custody of my daughters because I was in an abusive relationship with my husband and I didn't have anywhere else to turn so I handed them over in the attempt to have a better life for them until I got myself a divorce. I don't appreciate your negativity towards the situation. Granted, yes, they are my children. Of course! And what I'm saying is that I take care of my girls and I wouldn't expect anything differently, but it makes no sense to have my MOTHER holding it over my head that she has custody and will take custody of my other daughter.. When I AM THE ONE CARING FOR MY OWN CHILDREN.
Also, you mentioned CHILD SUPPORT - why should I pay child support for someone who says she has custody of the children, yet does no custodial things other than pay one week of daycare? I pay for their food and all their necessities. My mother cannot say that because I live in her house, I am unfit because I lived in her house since the day the children were born until March of 2006, hense, if she says my living situation is unsuitable, she's calling her own house unsuitable. ALSO, I AM NOT GETTING THE CHILD SUPPORT -- MY MOTHER IS.
~*JesusHelper76~*
I allowed my insurance to drop because my daughters have blue cross. Actually, my mom claimed to her insurance company *blue cross* that she had custody of both daughters, which she does not. But they are both under blue cross, so in no way are they un-insured.
I completely agree - I have been trying to get a place and no body seems to want to wait around for me to get the money together. With the money flow scarce and the money going directly to taking care of my children, I don't have much money left over considering I'm also supposed to be paying child support.
~*bkdaniels*~ thank you for that inspiring story. Oh, I definitely know I have some strong moves to make and to get the ball rolling, I need to move quick. However, I feel like I need to get my ducks in a row before I make a move. I don't want to move into my own place and not be able to take the oldest daughter with me. I want to make sure I have custody of her before I do that. I also don't want my mother to fight me on the custody issue about my place being unfit, so on and so forth,. There are so many angles I have to consider and, quite frankly, I'm scared to death. But thank you so much for your concern and your response!