[annabean]

I met a guy at work about 3 years ago and, as our marriages have recently ended, became very close friends. We're both in our late 40s and neither of us has children. We spent a lot of time together as friends as we share many similar interests. We talked about the problems of marriages breaking up and were there for each other in times of need. Very soon after we met, I fell for this guy but kept my feelings to myself as we worked together, I was aware that we were both in a very vulnerable place emotionally and I wasn't sure of his feelings towards me although it was clear he valued me as a friend.

About 6 months into our friendship we slept together. By this time, I was totally in love with him, but he was just very fond of me in a friend kind of way. Sadly, this event nearly destroyed our friendship and it took several months for us to start seeing each other again, but even then we only met up every couple of months or so and things stayed awkward between us. Then, 5 months later we ended up in bed again. At this point I told him that I was in love with him and, despite the fact that he insisted that he still wanted us to be friends, things were really never the same again after this and my heart was truly broken.

We almost totally stopped seeing each other (his choice, not mine) and only met up for the occasional drink every 3-4 months. We continued working at the same company, but I have managed to avoid bumping into him as we work on a very large complex and his office isn't in my building.

It has now been almost 2 years since the last time we were intimate with each other and over the past 2 months he has been contacting me again wanting to continue our friendship.

Yesterday we met for the first time in over 6 months. We went on a boat trip together which lasted the entire day and then spent the evening together. Nothing happened between us, but he told me that I had always been a very dear friend to him and he wanted our friendship to continue and he didn't want to lose me. He again made it clear that we were just friends and he had no intention of any kind of romantic/physical relationship with me. We spent 12 hours together and when he got home he sent me the sweetest text saying thank you for a great day.

Despite the time that has passed and the amount of time in which we haven't seen each other, I am still hopelessly in love with this guy. He's everything I have ever wanted in a man, kind, respectful, intelligent, funny, easy to be with, comfortable silences. I make him laugh, he obviously enjoys my company and we get on so well.

I believe that we would be great together. Being his friend is so painful that I wonder if it's worth it, but I enjoy his company and just love being with him. Working for the same company and running the risk of bumping into him every day and hearing my colleagues talking about him professionally is agony. I can't and won't leave my job as it is well paid, close to home, enjoyable and the people I work with are great.

This all raises many questions, which I hope some of you can help me with...
What am I to do?
How can I fall out of love with him?
How can I cope with having him so close to me in my life if he wants to be friends again?
How can I cope with the work situation?
This has gone on for almost 3 years and I am at my wits end and would be so grateful for any guidance from you all.

Thank you all so much,
Anna

[talaniman]

This all raises many questions, which I hope some of you can help me with...
What am I to do?
You like the guy more than he likes you but to even have a chance at friendship, you need to balance your life with more things and people that you enjoy, and not be so available to him when he has time, or needs company.
How can I fall out of love with him?
By being less attached to him and building a happy healthy life that you enjoy. Find your own thing to do, and leave him alone until you are more hopelessly in love with yourself and your life, than you are with him.
How can I cope with having him so close to me in my life if he wants to be friends again? How can I cope with the work situation?

Consider what YOU want, and need, before what he wants, or needs. That does mean letting this friendship, or whatever take a back seat, and a smaller role in your life.

Work place relationships are emotionally trying, and difficult to maintain when love loses and you have to see the partner of a failed relationship, so keep it business and polite, but change your routine enough where you don't have to see him as much, and the feelings will fade in time if you don't allow him to keep stirring them up.

Your own healing has to take a higher priority than him wanting to be friends

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


Get yourself a life a part from his. Meet other people do things that make you happy. The less time you focus on a friendship with him the better you will feel. A friendship with him is not possible for you so don't go there. Make up your mind not to go there.

[YeloDasy]

I would let him know that you have feelings for him and it is too hard to be friends at this point. For your own emotional sanity, it might be best to not be friends with him.
It sounds like he is being somewhat selfish. He knows it hurts you. He only wants to hang out with you when it is convenient for him. I would really think about his motives here.