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tara1 · Sep 4, 2010, 12:45 PM

Hello Friends, I was introduced to a guy over the phone by a common friend. I liked him a lot as a person. We had two long conversations over the phone.

CONTEXT: He lives far away, is single and divorced; has a child, life is busy he says. Also, he said outright from the beginning that he is sure he doesn't want to get married. While I am sure I do want to get married and have children. Sometime along in the conversations he said he doesn't know in future he may change his mind about marriage and children, but statement was made in a very general fashion not with respect to me.

WHAT HAPPENED: After we had the second conversation, he has ignored my two ph calls and a mail and a text message. I know I am totally wrong in approaching the issue in this fashion, but I hadn't understood it on time. So now, I am not contacting him anymore.

MY QUESTION is in the second conversation, he also said that either I visit him now (without any plan or more talk! -- I refused) otherwise we talk after 2-3 months. I am assuming he is ignoring me for 2-3 months, but what does that even mean?
Secondly, now that I have already proceeded to make some unilateral attempts and have appeared over eager, what is the right way to approach in case we proceed with this in the future. How will others handle situation like this?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2010, 12:54 PM

Maybe he is wanting just a sexual relationship, and if you don't want to visit him, he'll talk to you later. I don't know.

At any rate you and he are not wanting the same things so what he means is really immaterial. Be done with him.

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 01:21 PM

Maybe he's already married and doesn't want the wife to find out.

Leave the man alone. He may be a murderer or a rapist.

tara1 · Sep 4, 2010, 02:09 PM

Kitkat and Homegirl: Thanks for your answer. Homegirl, That is true we do not want the same things 'to begin with' or 'as of now'. I am kind of done until he calls me back.

How slow are such phone introductions? Does relatioships, esp long distance, ever pick up speed? I realized I have never dealt with dating which starts over the phone.. is it normal to postpone for a few months and then kind of carry on with such big gaps? Of course may there are no rules as such, but I am just confused on this, someone else' experience / guys point of views / might help.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2010, 02:30 PM

That does not seem normal at all.
If someone does not phone you for a couple of months you assume they are doing other things and you are no longer important. I'm thinking that is his way of saying he is not interested. I would not expect or wait for him to call back. Probably would not talk to him if he did.

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 02:32 PM

Leave the guy alone! Just stop contacting him.

Jake2008 · Sep 4, 2010, 06:14 PM

Are you saying that you have never met this person, in person? You have had only two phone conversations with him?

I don't understand why you would think that this somehow translates into a possible future relationship.

You were obvioulsy correct in not giving into his deman to meet now. Who does he think he is.

You are in charge of you, nobody else, especially an aggressive stranger that you've never met.

He's most likely moved onto other potential victims by now.

If he contacts you again, tell him to take a hike.

talaniman · Sep 4, 2010, 06:31 PM

That's a lot of false hope you have for a guy who doesn't have the time to even talk and get to know you.

Not only is he a poor chat buddy, and text chum, or pen pal, he doesn't have time to even show you if he is worth your time or not.

Naw, don't waste your time on such foolishness, now, or in a few months and certainly don't hold your breath waiting.

You could find better happiness by then.

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 06:44 PM

Maybe he only comes out at night!
When the moon is full. Just saying

talaniman · Sep 4, 2010, 07:03 PM

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Maybe he only comes out at night!
When the moon is full. Just saying

LOL!! Thanks for making a mess of my monitor, You got some 'splaining to do Kit.:eek:

I'd be more satisfied with a pint of double chocolate fudge chocolate chip caramel chocolate chocolate ice cream. You?

Praline for me and it better be more than a pint, I got belly fat to maintain.;)

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 07:08 PM

Well.. You know.. Couldn't help myself...

tara1 · Sep 4, 2010, 07:51 PM

Kit Kat, Tal, Homegirl & Jake: I agree! It is very helpful to see this written down by everyone else!

I have stopped contacting him already. I suppose I just wanted it to turn out differently! There is more than enough evidence of his 'disinterest'; moreover, he has plainly told me how his world view and expectations from this introduction are so different from what I want, at least at this point. So no point in investing myself here.

However other advice I have received, from a friend and her boy friend here: Buzz once in a while to say hi etc (long gaps).. and he will realize "you care!" Does this come close to what some other would do? What do you have to say on this point of view?

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by tara1

Kit Kat, Tal, Homegirl & Jake: I agree!! It is very helpful to see this written down by everyone else!

I have stopped contacting him already. I suppose I just wanted it to turn out differently! There is more than enough evidence of his 'disinterest'; moreover, he has plainly told me how his world view and expectations from this introduction are so different from what I want, at least at this point. So no point in investing myself here.

However other advice I have received, from a friend and her boy friend here: Buzz once in a while to say hi etc (long gaps).. and he will realize "you care!" Does this come close to what some other would do? What do you have to say on this point of view?

NC... It works better that way.:)

martinizing2 · Sep 4, 2010, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by tara1

Hello Friends, I was introduced to a guy over the phone by a common friend. I liked him a lot as a person. We had two long conversations over the phone.

CONTEXT: He lives far away, is single and divorced; has a child, life is busy he says. Also, he said outright from the beginning that he is sure he doesn't want to get married. While I am sure I do want to get married and have children. Sometime along in the conversations he said he doesn't know in future he may change his mind about marriage and children, but statement was made in a very general fashion not with respect to me.

WHAT HAPPENED: After we had the second conversation, he has ignored my two ph calls and a mail and a text msg. I know I am totally wrong in approaching the issue in this fashion, but I hadn't understood it on time. So now, I am not contacting him anymore.

MY QUESTION is in the second conversation, he also said that either I visit him now (without any plan or more talk! -- i refused) otherwise we talk after 2-3 months. I am assuming he is ignoring me for 2-3 months, but what does that even mean?
Secondly, now that I have already proceeded to make some unilateral attempts and have appeared over eager, what is the right way to approach in case we proceed with this in the future. How will others handle situation like this?

You should proceed away from him at full speed.

Giving you ultimatums in the second conversation you have with him.
Red flag. Controlling bully. Abuse is usually worked in later.

What was so important that you had to visit him now?

I will bet somebody's paycheck he will be demanding sex as soon as he is within reach.

My advice is , do not approach.
And proceed to find someone who will show consideration and respect to you.
Just about the opposite of what he did.

I wish you well.

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 08:12 PM

Martyz is right. The right one will come along and you'll be glad you didn't meet the online friend. Good Luck.

martinizing2 · Sep 4, 2010, 08:13 PM

Jake2008 agrees : I'd be more satisfied with a pint of double chocolate fudge chocolate chip caramel chocolate chocolate ice cream. You?

21 year old scotch. No 2nd conversation ultimatums.

Kitkat22 · Sep 4, 2010, 08:15 PM

[QUOTE=martinizing2;2512580]

[Jake2008 agrees : I'd be more satisfied with a pint of double chocolate fudge chocolate chip caramel chocolate chocolate ice cream. You?/QUOTE]

21 year old scotch. No 2nd conversation ultimatums.

I'm having a root beer float as we speak. :D

Homegirl 50 · Sep 5, 2010, 07:15 AM

You don't need to contact him at all. Why would you? What would be the point in letting him know you are still interested when you're not. All that does is inflate his already swollen ego.
Forget this clown and move on. There are better men out there. Don't waste time on what you know is not good.

Cat1864 · Sep 5, 2010, 07:47 AM

Originally Posted by tara1

However other advice I have received, from a friend and her boy friend here: Buzz once in a while to say hi etc (long gaps).. and he will realize "you care!" Does this come close to what some other would do? What do you have to say on this point of view?

The first phone conversation would have had me losing his phone number and ignoring his calls. I would also have been asking my friend if the set up was for a meeting or a punchline to a poorly written joke.

There is no relationship here. You have not been in a relationship with this person. Why would you keep even fleeting contact with a person who has shown himself to be all about him?

Is the friend who says keep in touch the one who set you up? If so, question her motives for wanting you to put yourself out for this male.

tara1 · Sep 5, 2010, 10:42 AM

Re: Cat [There is no relationship here. You have not been in a relationship with this person. Why would you keep even fleeting contact with a person who has shown himself to be all about him?. Is the friend who says keep in touch the one who set you up? ]

No, the advice came from a different friend(s).