[sawdust4brains]

Where to start, erm I'm currently pregnant and me and my partner were excited, I'm 9 weeks into this planned pregnancy and for the last 4 I've been in bed totally cheesed off. My 4 year old son was living with his paternal grandparents fro the last just over 2 years, my choice, until I got on my feet, I felt they could offer him a stable home at that time. Anyway it turned into a long term thing because he was settled and happy there, I did see him every Saturday and took him out for the whole day. Anyway since they found out I'm pregnant they have banned me from seeing my son,and now I have to go to court for proper access. I've also stopped smoking for this baby's sake and have also just been fired from my job.
Me and my partner are starting to argue over the stupidest thing, the most important for me is there is no affection in theis relationship anymore. No kissing (he doesn't like it anymore) no foreplay just quickies and for the last 9 times we have had sex he has came and I haven't.
We have spoken about this and he says he's not happy either. The last few days have been the worst, I called him today at work and asked him if we should be together or not because I feel he isn't listening to anything to make this work, and I feel its always me who jhas to approach him, if he has any problems he won't bring them up until I bring something up.
He says he can't love me right now because of my attitude, I'm very grumpy and upset a lot, and I don't support his family.
He hasn't even told his family I'm pregnant yet, because his dad has cancer. I was pregnant before they found this out though. Anyway, his parents have always been nasty to him and when he found out about the cancer he said it was his dads own fault for smoking and drinking, he had no sympathy for his dad at all, now he's saying I haven't supported him even though his dad might not be here this December. I thought he was doing OK, if he was blaming his dad I thought he was fine about it all and wasn't bothered, but now I'm not supportive.
When I asked him about us changing he said things probably won't change right now, which is not the answer I wanted to hear.
So anyway I guess the question is, should we go our separate ways. I know we are both as bad as each other but I don't know anymore what to do.
Please don't say anything about being selfish about my son this question isn't about him at all

[beachloverjohn]

Best way to stop being such a selfish person is to put another persons needs before your own. In this case I am talking about your unborn child, not your boyfriend.

[Jake2008]

First of all, you can't post a question, with conditions for people answering, to follow. I would be surprised if there was no mention of your son, because he is part of the picture.

That being said, your relationship does not seem very sound. Your communication with your partner seems scattered, and frankly, your methods of communicating with him are not condusive to positive outcomes. For example, having a conversation about serious communication issues by calling him at work, isn't productive.

With the problems going on with both your families, particularly yours, with the well being of your firstborn to consider, and his immediate family problems as well, with his father dying of cancer; this should be worked out together, for the benefit of both of you, and your future. Particularly with a second child on the way.

You are each dealing with a great deal, on your own, within the relationship, where you should be able to rely and count on each other to see you through the difficult times. It sounds like your relationship with him may come to and end, and that will leave you pregnant, with no support from anybody.

First things first. If your son is happy and well adjusted with his grandparents, the best thing to do in my opinion is leave him there. For now. After your next baby is born, my advice to you is to work toward more contact with your first son, maybe with the hope of eventually taking back custody- you said that the arrangement was only temporary, and at some point I presume you will want him back.

I don't agree that your current situation should dictate a zero contact with him. Maybe when this news settles down of the new baby coming, you can resume seeing him.

That you planned the current pregnancy, despite the relationship being rocky, or turning rocky, does not eliminate the father from responsibility. If he does decide to split, I hope that you will seek support through the court, and that the two of you can work together for visitation. That will involve his baby being in contact with his family, and if you can put your differences aside with them, and realize it is in the best interest of the baby, everybody will be happier.

Your partner is dealing with the impending death of his father. No matter what type of relationship he had, or has had with him recently, he will be going through a lot of emotional turmoil, as their relationship is on the line to repair or reconcile, because of the immediate circumstances. He cannot put this off, because his father is dying now. Try to be supportive and understanding as best you can be.

He has you, the problems now with your first son, a new baby on the way, and the death of his father coming. That is a lot for anyone to cope with right now.

You said your parents have custody of your son because you needed to get on your feet again. I don't know what that means. Are you employed and able to support yourself? How are you going to manage on one income, if you are, with two children. Do you receive support for the first one? It seems to me that you are taking on a huge responsibility by having a second child, with the future seeming so rocky. Have you thought about how you would survive without your partner?

As to the relationship itself, maybe much of what you say is wrong, could be addressed in couples counselling. At least enough to establish truthful answers as to all your concerns, both the immediate ones, and the long term ones. If the two of you can work on building a strong, supportive and loving relationship together, both your children will benefit.

You have a lot of problems to sort out with your partner. Instead of being angry and grumpy as you say, why not just sit down and have a conversation with him. Try to listen and state your concerns without being accusatory, and see if the two of you are stronger together afterward when the air is cleared.

From what I see, your entire future right now has to be a lot more stable than it is, even the stress levels are not healthy for you, your partner, and the baby to be.

My best advice to you, is, if the relationship is salvageable, get into counselling for the help you need. If it is beyond that, and a breakup is about to happen, it will be a hard go for you on your own. Try to at least establish some communication if he does go, so that you will have him in the picture to help you (hopefully) after the new baby arrives.