[Singy]

Hello,

I have been apart from my man since 14th November. Here is what happened:

When we met on 14th May, 2005 things took off. We were both so much in love with each other even after I had to go through a painful divorce and losing my unborn baby. I met him and instantly we were in love. He fell in love with me harder than I did for him. During last September, I brought the conversation into marriage since I am 35 years old and would like to settle down with kids and all, he said he needed some time to think about it. When he came back after 5 days and no connections until then, he told me that he would definitely consider marrying me even though he does not believe in marriages. His father, his best friend, his cousin are all cheaters and do not have a happy married life. Things were fine after he said that but towards the end he started acting cold, hence I did. When I wrote him a letter asking what was wrong and hope that all would be fine since I loved him a lot and cared so much for him. His answer was clear:
I am stressed out about this marriage stuff. I do not want responsibility so I am taking off. I had nothing to say but goodbye even though I died inside. He said if there is unhappiness, one should not mix reality to feelings. He instantly sent my stuff that was at his home back to me. Last week I found out he had been seeing his girl since 3 or 4 weeks. They say he is not into her all that much and all. I am thinking maybe he liked this other girl and left me for her, or he awent straight into a relationship maybe to forget me? I do not know. There is 1 thing I know. I miss him a lot. We are on line all the time but not say anything to each other. I love him still. I am also seeing a psyciatrisit almost 3 times a week. Nights and weekend are hard. Can't sleep can't eat but I am working on it.

Any strategies on how to get him back?

Thank you

[roogirl]

Hi Singy

I'm really sorry to say that you might have a tough time getting him back because he's made up his mind, fair and square. Not only did he make his intentions clear, he followed through with them as well.

As far as the other girl is concerned, it could well be a rebound relationship or it could be the reason he left you, if you want to be certain you really need to get it straight from the horse's mouth and ask him. From what I can tell he seems to be very upfront and honest (to his credit).

I think it's best you let go. I know it's hard to get through this period where you miss him terribly, and it's good that you are seeking counselling as well. But time is the best healer and don't forget this horrible period of not eating/sleeping is only temporary. It will get better, promise!

[talaniman]

You must accept that this is over and start to move on with your life.

[s_cianci]

It doesn't sound like he's coming back. He's made it clear that he's not interested in anything permanent. You and he seem to have different goals and aspirations so it's hard to see why you would even want him back. He's not going to make you happy and he's not going to give you what you want. I'd forget about him, be done and move on. That's the best thing you can do for yourself now.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I brought the conversation into marriage since I am 35 years old and would like to settle down with kids and all, he said he needed some time to think about it. When he came back after 5 days and no connections until then

He sounds afraid of commitment. You both want different things. You want to settle down and there is nothing wrong with that. He is afraid of this and is probably not ready.

Here is the clue.

I wrote him a letter asking what was wrong and hope that all would be fine since I loved him a lot and cared so much for him. His answer was clear:
I am stressed out about this marriage stuff. I do not want responsiblity so I am taking off.

Last week I found out he had been seeing his girl since 3 or 4 weeks. They say he is not into her all that much and all. I am thinking maybe he liked this other girl and left me for her, or he awent straight into a relationship maybe to forget me?? I do not know.

Possibly a rebound on his part, but he is not ready for what you want. Marriage is not on his agenda it seems.

There is 1 thing I know. I miss him a lot. We are on line all the time but not say anything to each other. I love him still. I am also seeing a psyciatrisit almost 3 times a week. nights and weekend are hard. Can't sleep can't eat but I am working on it.

Of course you miss him, that is understandable. You must now though try to pull away as best you can. Stay out of contact with him and keep yourself busy. I would say that this relationship is over and he will not be coming back, most likely. I am sorry if that hurts and I fully understand that it is hard to let go but you must try for your own sake. You will find what you want but evidently, he did not want the same things as you did and you must try your best to accept this. The right person will come along who will want the same as you and will also appreciate you for who you are. Maybe he did too but was just not ready for the same things as you.

Any strategies on how to get him back?

Lastly, please forget strategies. They rarely work. Some people on this website play the No Contact game to try and win the ex's back by trying to make them miss them. I admit that for a month, I believed in this but it really was not the way to go in terms of healing. No contact is for you to work on yourself, become a better person, stronger and basically to grieve and heal. No contact may make him miss you (MAY) but it is not going to bring him back.

Games are for children and in a way, a strategy in terms of what we are talking about here is a kind of mind game. You are not a child, far from it. You are a person whom is feeling the blow of a huge emotional loss. You will get through this, I promise you. You have the strength and will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My warmest wishes that the new year is much brighter and clearer for you!

[Singy]

Hello Geoffersonairplane,

Thank you for your reply. It's been a while and here is what happened. What do you think this means :

I went away to Italy for 10 days and while I was there he called to wish me a happy birthday and new year. We talked really casually, I just said it was nice to hear from him and that he should take care of himself. His friends also called me to wish me a happy birthday too. Anyway when I got back to work yesterday, he said hello on msn messenger and we talked casually about my trip, about his boat, his cousin etc. again very casually. And for about an hour. Eventually I said to him that I should get back to work even though it was nice to chat and that I missed it, he said take care of myself and that we should talk again time to time soon.
What do you think this means?

Thank you again for your replies...

[talaniman]

Sounds like he is trying to tap back into you... slowly Friendship? Love probably but he is going slow. Maybe that's the way to go slowly.

[ordinaryguy]

To quote Elmer Fudd, I'd be vewy vewy wawy. He's already jerked you around once. It's pretty unlikely that he's matured as much as he needed to in the few weeks that have passed. I'm afraid he's just playing you again, but if you must go along, go vewy vewy SLOWLY!

[rol]

Yes go slowly...

Keep the converation away from "us" every time ,exactly as you have been doing. Let him bring it up. He left you , if he wants you back he needs to try and reconnect with you and not the other way round! The contact is a good sign(albeit a causiouly good sign)

<Eventually I said to him that I should get back to work even though it was nice to chat and that I missed it, he said take care of myself and that we should talk again time to time soon.
>
Wonderful, end the conversation first every time.

Do not contact him, when he messages do not tell him your every move, let him wonder , and be a mystery.

Here's my thread which had wonderful advice, which perhaps maybe useful to you also.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...?highlight=rol

[Singy]

Hello all,

Since the last time, here is what happened. I switched off my msn. Like right now he is online but I am not. I am off to Newyork this Friday and not coming back for another 10 days. I am planning to go back on line in 2 weeks. I am planning - only planning - to enjoy myself with friends. I am still going to my pshycaistrist and getting professional help. I started taking motorcycle courses at the weekends. Not going out at night because that makes me feel depressed ( you know how you love someone and nightclubbing is tiring especially at my age where everyone seems to be an a.. hole -

I do miss him terribly and still love him even though I hear he is still with his girlfriend. I will keep you posted on what's going on and keep up with your brilliant comments advices and friendship :)

Thank you again. Well see what happens when I come back.

[rol]

Yes keep us posted, good luck and enjoy New York and keep with the no contact!!

[Singy]

Hello all,

I thought I would keep you updated... I have come back from Newyork now and it was fantastic. I really had a great time with my old friends, laughed a lot and when I was there something funny happened... What do you think this is...

An old girlfriend of mine phoned me up and asked me the reason for breaking up with my boyfriend. I was shocked because she did not know any details about him. Anyway she told me that a firned of hers is asking for nother friend who is involved witg him right now. Apparently she really wanted to know the reson for us breaking up and she asked a lot of questions about me. I mean if this girl is asking about me a lot that means things are not so great between them. Am I right? Could this be? Also his bestfriends wife called me on the same day from her husbands phone where I know they were together away for the weeeknd and that my ex's girlfriend was not there with him. I think things are a bit rocky but I can not ask anyone. I just have to wait and see I guess.

But don't you think his girlfriend asking about me (and apparently a lot of questions) means that things can be rocky for them? Or is this my wishful thinking? :)

Hope to hear from all of you soon...

[rol]

<<But don't you think his girlfriend asking about me (and apparently a lot of questions) means that things can be rocky for them? Or is this my wishful thinking?
>>

Hi there Singly, glad you had a great time in New York.

Yeah it could mean that(sounds about right, rebound relationships last about 3 months)

But its better not to assume anything..

Keep as you have been doing and keep on your healing path.

[Singy]

Hello all,

Here is what happened.. Last night when I was at work working, he appeared on line and we ended talking online for 2 hours exactly. The minute he said where have you been to be, I told him NewYork and said to him this : Funny thing happened while I was there; an old friend of mine called me on the phone and told me that your girlfriend was asking her a lot of questions about me, you and why we broke up"... the minute I sent this he said, what I am not involved with anyone seriously, this is madness that your girlfriend contacted you... and I said well no worries I just wanted to tell you that I told her what we had was private and I was not gonna share it with them just for your info I said... And he said "the women are unbearable".. and I said well anyway so how are you and your granny and from then onwards we chatted about stuff and shared songs, picters and at one point he told me he was searching me on the net and that he had found a poem written by me to my ex husband before we broke up. The poem is about me not going to be able to love anyone else and that it was sad we broke up etc... It really is terrifying for him since it seems like I could not anyone but my exhusband --uups... It is not the case but I mentioned nothing and asked him why he needed to search me on the net:) he said I just thought about it... and I said nothing and passed on to another subject.. we talked about Newyork and my pictures on myspace - he told me that he never told his granny that we broke up and that everyone was so upset we broke up... He also told me he learnt many ways to make coffee. And I said you should make me some... he said sure.. and he said : lets have dinner sometime... and I said sure why not. At the end of the conversation he said it felt really good to talk to me and that I should not forget to have dinner with him. And today he sent me some photos from his saililng event we chatted for 2 minutes and he asked a meaning of an english word. And that was it...

There is some progress there, but I wanted your opinions...

What do you guys think I should do? What does all this mean, I am aware that he misses me... oh and not to forget I ttold him that I should visit his granny since he did not tell her we broke up and that she is really old and loves me a lot...

Overall I seemd relaxed and fun and put him in a funny place with the mentioning of the girlfriend - there was a lot I could have said but did not just so he would not run away :)

So what do you think is next?

[talaniman]

Keep on your path as there is no reason to change and rush back into what was broken or have you forgotten. All things are beter after a lot of thought and going slow. Take care of your issues first.

[rol]

<<Overall I seemd relaxed and fun and put him in a funny place with the mentioning of the girlfriend - there was a lot I could have said but did not just so he would not run away >>

Good attitude,
Keep the converation shorter the next time, 2 hours is too much.
Plus keep remembering the following, he is the one who left you, he should be the one fighting to win you back, not the other way around. Sit back now and wait for him to contact. Act aloof and slightly disinterested the next time.

[babydoll365]

This guy seems like a total waste of your time! Forget about him and find someone else. You can't trust this guy to come back to you and not do something wrong. Don't even try getting him back. He's not worth it!

[Singy]

Hello all,

Here is what happened: he contacts me on the msn since Tuesday (today is friday) and since Tuesday we decided to have dinner... we are dinig on Saturday night. And the rest of the time he speaks to me on the msn as if we are buddies asking me about music, ipods etc...

I am having a breakdown of somesort about how I should be? Obviously I am wishing to have him back but all that pain I had I can't forget... I'm not angry but have so many questiıns on my mind. Don't want to ask him straight because I haven't seen him in 3 months..

I believe I should be all relaxed and happy and sexy!? And maybe wait for him to take on the conversation... I don't know...

Any suggestions for tomorrow's date? Need them urgently..

[rol]

Yes be relaxed and happy and mysterious , don't be too sexy or flirty,
Act like he is a friend and that you are fine with that. You need to be UNCERTAIN about him, Do not ask him any question about the past. Nothing. He should be the one to bring that up.

Could you pretend it is the first time you have ever met him and act like that, act like you did on your first date.Dont let him know too much about you.

[rol]

A few more things,
If and when he brings up the relationship do not interrupt him and listen to what he has to say..

Also, leave the dinner right after its finished (its at his place right?) , don't be waiting around and let him bring up when he will see you again.