[nosmiles]

I started dating my boyfriend when he was 19 and I was 21. He wanted me, and I liked him heaps. He initiated the first time we had sex, he initiated wanting to go out with, he initiated how much he liked me. In the first 2 weeks, we were having sex only once to twice a week. I found out he was " trying" steroids. I lost it, and he knew he hurt me by doing that and he thought it was stupid too. So I blamed the fact he was doing steroids that we were not having sex like new couples do. Anyway, things didn't get better, I started to get rejected A lot, I would cry an cry about it, I would feel stupid, embarrassed, always ended in an argument. He said he didn't want to make me feel like he was using me. Yet again I took that as an excuse. Still, nothing got better, from once to twice a week, we were not having sex for months. It's been two years like this now. Me feeling like crap about myself, and him not seeing a problem in it. I can't talk to him about it, he thinks it's the stupidest thing to mention and he ends he really angry at me. He is a very sociable person, always on the go doing stuff. He loves me to bits, we hang around each other a lot, he is sweet to me, loves cuddling me and loves having me there at night. He is under a lit of pressure with his family, but even when everything is good. Still no loving. *** help, and leaving him is not an option.

[talaniman]

Instead of blaming yourself, and letting it bring you down, look up steroid use and see the many ways it affects both men, and women. Its possible he is still doing them and you don't know, so first find out what your dealing with, and then get the facts of your situation before you go freaking out.

Its been my experience that those who are caught up in this cycle of use, and abuse of any outside substances for whatever reason need help from real experts and the ones they love who are caught up with them especially need help to get facts and gain knowledge of how to deal with the affected person.

Lack of sex should never be taken personally, as its only a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed. You need to find that problem, and address it.

[Devorameira]

Sounds like he may still be taking the steroids to me too. Steroids can mess up a man to the point of no return.

He needs to get completely off the steroids and then needs to see a doctor to get some testing done to see if he's messed up his testosterone levels OR if there's some other physical reason why.

I personally can't see this getting any better, so if intimacy is important to you (and it should be), I'd suggest that you move on and find someone else.

[nosmiles]

Thank you for your response. He definantly isn't using steroids anymore. He did it the first month of our relationship and understood how stupid it was. He doesn't take drugs, he drinks, but doesn't binge, ge will go to the pub probably 4-5 times a week. He always says he tired, there is always an excuse not to have sex with me, he even hates me touching him, in bed, I can't put my hands anywhere in bed, he literally jumps. I've tried natural herbs to increase stamina, I've even truly thought if he was gay or not, looked into his background and seen if he was maybe touched as a little kid, I just can't talk to him about it, the topic is off limits. Is there something I can do? I've got the lowest self esteem, I'm not confident anymore and he hates how jealous I am about other girls. It's been 3 months right now since we last had sex. Sometimes sex is forced on him by me, which is disgusting and makes me feel pathetic, sometimes he absolutely loves it, just thinks it's too much effort involved in it. Oh and foreplay, him going down on me, never happened before, he hates it. He is insecure about his own image, but for two years, I have always complemented him, told him how much he turns me on. I would love to go to bed, an him actually touch me, even just run his hands over my body. It us wrong I'm crying while wetting this because I want that great special feeling so badly. I want it from him, no one else, I could go cheat, but it's not what I want.

[talaniman]

You poor thing, you are distracted by lack of sex, and take it so personally, that you have made whatever his real issues are YOUR issues. He needs some guidance, and its not going to be you and you have to get out of this already unhealthy situation.

He will go to the pub probably 4-5 times a week. He always says he tired, there is always an excuse not to have sex with me, he even hates me touching him, in bed,

Yourself esteem is to tied up to his actions to be healthy for you. Alcohol is a depressant and every bit as dangerous as steroids, just legal. But of course you can't see anything but the lack of sex, and intimacy. Again, these are symptoms of a greater problem.

[nosmiles]

Oh I'm so confused, it's hard to be in this situation. I've come to lower my own sex drive now and be OK with Cuddles. It's so sad. Is it me? Am I the problem? He tells me he's attracted to me, he loves me heaps, so I don't know what I can try, like I can't even go near him. Hmmm... I hate this, I really do, because I want to spend my life with him. Is there anyone else in this situation??

[talaniman]

Maybe you should leave until you are unconfused, and tell him why.

[silverlining]

Years ago I went out with a guy like this for about a year.. So I understand how you feel. I can't tell you how much my confidence suffered because of this. And to this day he has still not been with any other girl sexually.

Same symptoms.. He was rumoured to be on steroids though he denies it.. I wondered if he was gay (maybe he is?) lol I still wonder at times.. but he assured me that he loved me etc. Sex would just never come up from him and I wondered how you can be in love with someone and not ever want to be intimate?

So I decided that there is nothing I can do and moved on. About 3 years later he still claims he loves me? But is in the same situation. So I'm sorry but I don't think this situation is going to change if it has been this way for 2 years. It is definitely not you maybe there are some guys who just lack sex drive? But I assure you that is he wasn't with you but with someone else he would be the same way with her. So if this is something that you cannot accept about him you may have to leave this relationship and find someone who is able to fulfill your needs in everyway...

[nosmiles]

Thanks for that reply, it really is helpful to know other people out there have been in the same situation. I do understand that I have to accept this situation, and I do most the time now, I thought there may be a way to boost his sex drive naturally. Or if he could take something for it!! Hmmmm... The biggest problem about this is how I'm being effected emotionally and phyically

[talaniman]

nosmiles : I'm not strong enough to leave, cause he makes me feel stupid that I would leave him because of sex. He wouldn't understand, he would only think how pathetic I am.

Its one thing to have a problem, but quite another not to try and do something about it. I feel an unselfish caring man would want to get himself to a doctor, and see what the freak was going on. That's a simple enough thing to do, have a physical, and go from there. The rewards would be great if it was something that could be treated wouldn't it? Unless he has something to hide from a doctor.

At this point, it doesn't matter if he understands, or not, since you are the one suffering, and settling, NOT him!

[nosmiles]

Oh I promise I do want to do something about it, but his reactions do limit what I try and say to him. He would never go to the doc for a physical, cause he thinks there is nothing wrong with him, it's normal and I'm being ridiculous about trying to make our relationship all about sex, like I would be SO HAPPY... If we were having sex once every two/three weeks. I would be thrilled.. He doesn't see me as suffering, he simply thinks I'm being stupid. There is no sympathy towards me from him at all. He is a selfish person at times. His whole life his emotions have been suppressed by his dysfunctional family which has made it hard for him to even give me affection in general. He won't go counseling though, thinks that's stupid as well.

I'm sorry for all my whinging, I'm being 100% truthful so I can get some positive feedback. An I am thankful everyone has had the time to give me advice.

[kaka67]

If he is unwilling to discuss something so fundamental to a relationship as this is then you really have to rethink whether you want to stay with him.

You say "Oh i promise I want to do something about it" but you don't seem to realise that you can't do anything. He has too. And if he doesn't want to listen and get help then that's your answer there.

Does he realise how upset you are? Maybe its time you let him know. Without letting him fob you off.

[Jake2008]

It is not unheard of that young men have sexual dysfunction of some type, to varying degrees. It may not be steroids, or alcohol, but a physical problem that causes the zero sex drive.

You say leaving him is not an option, and if you are not prepared to end the relationship, are you at least prepared to demand some explanations? If the situation were reversed, and it was you with zero sex drive, and he was the frustrated one, would he expect any less of you to solve the problem, than you should have him? I don't think so.

He needs to have a complete physical to rule out the many reasons that could be affecting his sex drive. That would be the first non-negotiable expectation on my list. Also with a time limit, say one month.

But, if he keeps refusing, and you keep putting up with it, what kind of answers do you expect to your question, "My boyfriend and I have no sex life. Need HELP!!".

There has to be reasonable expectations, and reasonable consequences.

If you don't impose either, and you refuse to leave regardless of what he does or doesn't do, then why ask the question in the first place, if you are not prepared to follow through with consequences.

You could sit around and wait for 10 years if you want to, only to discover that it was, after all, caused by something that could have been treated years ago. Or you can settle for a zero sex life, and accept him as he is. It is entirely up to you.

But, don't complain if you aren't prepared to follow through. Venting is not enough to resolve this issue.

[nosmiles]

Wow, thank you Jake, you really have put things into perspective for me. I do want to stay with him, so I am going to demand some explanations. And it's true, that I should not be feeling like this, he needs to go get a physical. Full stop! I have to be strong and I have to think about myself for once. There is nothing wring with what I am asking of him. If he really does live me as much as he says, then he will do this for me. I know it's going to be a really ugly fight. I've got anxieties about it, I know we will be going through a hard time. I'll keep everyone posted, I'll most probably need some support.

[nosmiles]

Ok, so this is a follow up from my previous thread. So I'm history is, my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me, and I'm having trouble finding out why. But a new problem arose when I caught him masturbating the other night in his bathroom? We have been together for 2years, spend a lot of time together, and sex doesn't interest him, and I know he doesn't masturbate either. Doesn't look at porn and just totally not fased at anything like that. We had a fight, I left to cool off, came back to find him in the toilet looking up "something" on his phone that he had to delete from his history from the net which I'm guessing was porn. Bit porn on iPhones? I'm not sure. Anyway, we got into a massive argument like always about this stuff, and it's fukt me up so much over the past week how he could wank, but not have sex with me? Is there something I'm totally not understanding? But I should add this is the first time I've caught him doing it. And I know he hasn't done it before now! And I'm really curious what he had to delete on his phone history?

[asking]

What makes you so sure he hasn't done it before?

Unless he decides to open up and see this as an opportunity for communication, he probably won't tell you what he was looking at.

[Wondergirl]

"His" bathroom? At the house he lives in with his parents? How old are the two of you?

[asking]

She is about 23 and he is about 21. See her other thread. He used to use steroids or still does. He will not make love to her but she can't leave because "he wouldn't understand."

[nosmiles]

Lol, great summary. Thank you. Yeh we both live with our parents. I spend nearly all my time with him. And there is no way he masturbates. He has probably done it one other time that I know of. But by him doing this has really bucked me out. Makes me feel like ****. And I know, 100,000% he is not using steroids!

I'll never know what was on his phone, he would never give up information like that whiningly. And if I brought it up now, he would hit the roof thy I'm still even thinking about that or that something so stupid is worrying me or even that I checked his phone for that! He thinks I put all my effort into stupid things and should worry about more important things.

[asking]

It's totally normal for guys (and women) to masturbate and I would be surprised if he hadn't done it pretty regularly. I think your expectations here are unrealistic.

On the other hand, his reluctance to make love seems like a big deal. You are entitled to feel that this is an important part of a relationship.

You guys need to talk. Something's not right.