[Mysticangel]

Nearly my entire life growing up my home was in a constant state of World War III. Father would cheat on mother, then mother would cheat on my father for revenge. Of course at the time I didn't understand what was going on, all I saw was my two parents constantly yelling at one another.

When I was 12 they separated. I had to have been one of the few kids in existence that was happy for it. Life became quiet living with only one parent, and while I missed the family outings I was happier. Unfortunately it didn't last long as they got back together. I still remember sitting in the car with my father and asking "Why are you being so dumb? It's only going to happen again!" He only smiled at me and said something along the lines of "Let's hope not"

And of course I was right. Things only got worse. By the time I moved out of the house at 22 I'd called the cops on my dad twice, called an ambulance on my mom once and sat with her in the local mental institution because she attempted suicide when dad found out about a man she was cheating on him with. My GPA in college dropped from a 3.8 to a 2.8, and I took several incompletes just so I could take care of my mother and my family.

For a while I truly hated my father. My mother told me stories of how he'd hold her down and rape her, beat her, and other things. It wasn't until much later that I started to notice something off with all the stories. They were never the same. Even though she'd been out of the house for quite some time. The number of times he "raped" her went from once, to twice.. and I think when I last talked to her she was at five times. It wasn't until I sat down and really looked at the situation that I learned to question what was going on. It was then I made a decision. I couldn't know what really happened between the two of them. I chose to get them away from one another.

A year before mother actually left the house she started seeing another man. I knew about it, and I kept my mouth shut. I let her use me as an alibi when she wanted to see him. I was too afraid of her attempting suicide again if dad found out. I know it was wrong, but she did eventually leave the house to live with her mother and start the separation process. In order to be divorced they had to live apart for a year. She was engaged to the man before that year was up and living with him. When the time came to go to court for the divorce she refused to come, calling and telling my father she didn't want it. She wanted to go to counseling and work things out. My father didn't know about the other man, or her engagement but I did. I literally drug him to the courthouse and begged him to go on with it. I was so tired of seeing them in this constant loop of self destruction. He went through with it, and she's never shut up about it since. According to her, he divorced her and 'threw her away.'

At this point, I know I'm already a bad daughter for keeping the cheating to myself. There is no good excuse, and 'I was afraid' doesn't fly even with me.

Mother eventually married the other man, and I have tried to have a good relationship with him. Things were OK for a while, but then my brother suddenly refused to speak to my mother. I don't even know why, but he swears its for a good reason. When that happened I started being her proverbial punching bag. Everything was suddenly my fault. Her living three hours away and the fact that I went out to dinner with my dad once a month or so and she never got to see me was my fault. The fact that I didn't call her on mother's day even though I sent her a gift and told apologized in advance that I'd be working 14 hours that day and wasn't sure when I'd get to call her. As my luck would have it my phone died and I was unable to call her during the break I had. I called her the next day apologizing over and over yet she still won't let it go. I'm still a terrible daughter for it.

Then my wedding day came, and I prayed to god it would go through OK. My mother even came to my bachelorette party. She came with us to get my hair done the morning of the wedding, but had to leave a little early to get ready herself and get her husband from the hotel. The wedding was set for 6pm. I had to be hidden away upstairs by 5. I finally got word from my maid of honor that mother showed up around that time. My father was giving me away and thus was in the wedding party.

It would be two weeks later that my mother goes off on me for there not being enough pictures of her that day with me, and that there were too many of my 'terrible' father. Because of this I obviously didn't love her. Instead of getting angry I ignored her.

I talked to her a few times later on as if nothing happened, until she sent me an email. One where she accused me of not loving her and being a terrible daughter because I didn't disown my father. She brought up the mother's day incident again too. At that point I snapped. I told her off and asked her to never speak to me again. Essentially, I disowned her.

Now I'm at a loss. Am I really the terrible daughter she says I am? Should I have become like my 16 yr old sister and just believe everything mother says without question and hate my father? I've confronted my father on every issue, and every time he swears he never did those things. Now I've turned into my brother who refuses to have anything to do with her... I'm 24 and am suffering the loss of a parent by my own hands.

Am I truly that horrible?

[JoeCanada76]

No your not horrible. You need to live your own life. That simple. Break away from it all, and do not let the guilt trips drag you into drama that is not yours and start living your own life for you and learn from these experiences and to make your life better for you now and into your future whatever it may hold.

[QLP]

You're not horrible at all.

You had the sense to work out that there are 2 sides to every story and that both your parents have their faults. As for keeping quiet about the cheating, I would say that was the most sensible decision you could have made. Both your parents seem to have made a mess of quite a lot of things and it's their mess.

The fact that you are trying to be fair and have some sort of relationship with both is admirable.

Don't let either of them put you down. Tell them both you love them but you aren't taking sides, it is their business what went on between them. If either of them start berating you for supposedly being a terrible daughter you don't have to listen to that. Try getting in touch with your mum and saying you still want her in your life but you aren't prepared to get involved in disputes between the two of them and if she wants to have contact with you and be reasonable then you are there. But you are not there as her verbal punchbag to take out her negativity towards your dad on. Because this is what she has been doing and it is totally unacceptable.

I'm not at all surprised that you snapped after the way she has been acting. Well now is your chance to lay the cards on the table and tell her if she does want you in her life it has to be on a completely different footing. The problems between your parents are for them to deal with.

I repeat, you are not a terrible daughter. Your mother is the one who has been behaving badly towards you by dragging you into her jealous bitterness of your father. As for your dad, who knows whether he is telling the truth. Regardless of what happened between them you have a right to be treated fairly by them both, and a right to walk away if they are unable to do so.

The only mistake I would say you made was allowing yourself to get so involved in trying to sort them out. That's their job. Now concentrate on takiing care of you.

[martinizing2]

QLP is right.
You can love both parents without taking sides. In fact you should not take sides. Their problems are exactly that... theirs.
It is sad that the problems they create affect the lives of those around them, but they are responsible to each other and should not try to get family involved.

Stay strong and stay out of that tangled web.

I wish you well.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, you have the right to be part of both of their lives.

Explain to her she is re-married and to get a life and grow up, that she is your mom and he is your dad and you want a relationship with both

[KBC]

As a youngster you did what you had to do to survive a bad situation.

That was then,this is now.

You know now what you DON'T want in your relationship with your husband.

I am and always will be a big preacher of self protection.Not the physical,but the mental.

Please look into this site: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self it is a start for you(and anyone interested in self reliance and growth past the dysfunction of our lives,a way to end it once and for all, to put a final stop to the insanity)

I really wish you well and I also hope you read that site,it has changed many lives around me(and on here too!)

[Mysticangel]

Thanks everyone. You've all said to me the same thing I've been trying to convince myself of.

I was 20 when I was finally able to sit down and question the validity of my mother's stories, and decided that even after confronting my dad I couldn't be totally sure either way so it was best to just stay out of it.

My dad is the best in the situation. He never judges, never pries, and never asks anything of me other than to not bring her up unless it's something important (ie. Wedding, birthday etc) because it still hurts him. He actually encourages my brother to talk to her and when I spoke to him today he told me to just give it some time to cool off before I made a decision to cut her off totally. Which, I've taken that advice. I've decided to set a few weeks aside where I just won't worry about her. Give us both time to cool off. If she's still at it then... we'll cross that when we get there.

I've already identified problems that growing up has caused. An example would be how I avoided marrying my husband despite how wonderful he is (we've known one another 11 years this Sept). I had this strange fear that by being married somehow he'd change into someone different and we'd have the same problems my parents had. Obviously that hasn't happened and I'm happy he was so patient with me and loves me as much as he does.

I'm to the point in my life where I'd like to have children, but I don't want to bring them in the world with a crazy grandmother who is going to pull stunts like this all the time. Or, that was my hope as I grew up without either grandfather and feel I missed out on something because of it. Sadly I fear I may have to simply move on with my life and stop letting her control what I do.

Thanks for the reassurance guys. I've bookmarked that link KBC and will be reading it and its related pages tonight.

[YeloDasy]

I am just going to be honest and say... your mom seems to have some mental health instability. She has signs of a mental health disorder and those who live with family members who behave like this end up feelings the same way you do... guilty, responsible, and frustrated.

As a child, you should not have been told the terrible things about your father, until you were old enough to understand it. She put you in positions that were not meant for a young person.

You have the right to have a relationship with your father, and it sounds like you are maintaining good balance with your unknown feelings and stories. Your mom is creating the distance between you and her, and you need to be able to set boundaries for yourself and tell her that it is not okay to treat you the way she has been.

You will need to be clear on the situation, letting her know each time she crosses your comfort zone and then back away until she can honor and respect you. You have to teach her how to treat you.
It sounds like you have some confusion about what is normal and what is okay and what is abnormal. THis can also carry into your intimate relationships and friendships. I would recommend you go to counseling, even if for a short time, to have someone tell yo that you are okay, and look at your decisions and learn to know what is okay to accept and what a healthy relaionship with your mom and dad should look like. I think it would really help you.

[QLP]

I think your idea of a cooling off period before tackling your mum is a good one. Just make sure when you are ready for contact you are clear on what you expect.

It's a real shame that you feel your mother's behaviour is stopping you from having children when you are ready. Another reason why you really need to make sure things are on a better footing when you do contact her.

As Yelodasy said it might help to have a few counselling sessions to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings and develop some strategies for the future.

Wishing you well.

[Mysticangel]

Well, I'll certainly be seeing a professional. She's effectively turned my sister, step-dad and everyone around her against me by telling them that I "retracted my love and betrayed her"

I still have my friends, father, brother, husband and even my grandmother (mom's mom). I'm having a hard time just letting go.

I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself so much even to those that believe me, but I've even gone as far as to log the written exchanges between my mother and myself. I know it won't matter in the long run as she'll claim I forged it all.

*sigh*

[KBC]

Here is another site to look at,one I really identified with: Toxic Shame by Leo Booth/John Bradshaw

It is a different read for many,but it has much truth in it, and I feel you might identify with it as well.

[dontknownuthin]

I agree with the others - you're not terrible at all. Your parents were abusive to one another and inappropriate top put you in the middle, particularly when you were a child under their care. Your mother was wrong to expect you to keep secrets from your father. She may not have been lying about the rapes - she might have been telling a little of the truth at a time - or she could have made it all up. You are smart to just accept that you will never know.

Your mother should not be grilling you or guilt-tripping you for having a relationship with your dad. You are right to respect your brother's decision in how he wants to manage his relationship with your mom. Just have your own separate relationships with the people you want to have relationships with, and stay out of their relationships with one another.

Nothing you have done, including keeping your mouth shut about the cheating, and encouraging your dad to go through with the divorce has been wrong. You acted the best you could, and actually very maturely, in an effort to minimze the hurt all around - anyone who faults you for it is unreasonable.