[Morallyconfused]

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I have been with my husband for 8 years. We have 3 kids. 5,4, and 10 months. I have never been truly happy with my husband. I got together with him at a time in my life that was very difficult and I was looking for someone to take care of me. He wanted to be able to do that for me. He is a good provider... but a lousy husband. He constantly picks fights, treats my like a sister and not a wife, yells at me and belittles me in front of my family and friends, throws temper tantrums, drinks excessively, he's mean to the kids and threatens to hit them if I don't get them under control, doesn't even want to be around us, he's jealous that I have friends and he doesn't have many, and he places the blame for everything on me.
I know I should not have married him in the first place... and that is a mistake I have been living with for a while.
A man I was childhood friends with recently came back into my life.There was one point where we almost got together, before my husband came into the picture, but he wasn't ready for a relationship after the break up of his last one. I love him and he loves me and we want to be together. He wants me to leave my husband first before we are able to move on with our relationship and I know that is what I have to do. He is a very good man, he always has been and I know its not an act as some people may think. Ive known him for 13 years and we has always been the nicest person I know.
I want to leave my husband, but I don't know if its is the right thing to do. I hate to break a family up for what I feel may be purely selfish. He will be great father to my children, but then my children will only be able to see their blood father occasionally.
I told my husband I want a divorce and he says I am not being fair to him because I don't even want to try and fix our marriage. I told him I have been trying for 8 years and he only now wants to try... now that I tell him I want out. THAT doesn't seem fair to me. He is making me feel obligated to try and I really don't want to. I don't love him anymore and I think its over. I don't know what to do. Do I do what my husband wants or do I do what I want? What is best for the children? Do I try to give them a good life with a great man or do I try and work it out with their father so they have stability... but not necessarily a good life?

[beachloverjohn]

This man has been manipulating you by making you feel bad about yourself. Your marriage is over emotionally, so you need to get out . For your children's sake as well. You should never do something you don't want to do because someone makes you feel guilty. Then you lose your own identity. You need to get therapy for all the damage thaqt has been done to you, and get healthy before you run off with another man. If you and your husband are willing to seek counceling together to try to work things out, then that's OK to. But you can't keep things the way they are. Good luck..

[Kitkat22]

The reason your marriage isn't happy is because you married a man who loved you and you married him because it was convenient and he was a
A good provider.

This man is the father of your children Do you think he doesn't know how you feel? In a way you trapped him. Letting him think you loved him. That is sooo wrong. Now you have children and the fairy tale has turned into a nightmare.

You honestly think your husband is happy knowing you don't love him?
I think you need to stop being a selfish narcissistic person and think about your children and the man who has put up with you all these years.

So he yells? I suppose you are perfect? If you decide to go to this other man, is he going to be a father to your children? NO WAY! He wants a piece on the side and then you'll go running back to the husband. If you do this .I hope your husband finds someone else who will give him the kind of love he deserves.

Don't tell me he knew you didn't love him when you married him. I don't believe that. You are obsessed with another man. It's going to blow up in your face.

[Morallyconfused]

The reason your marriage isn't happy is because you married a man who loved you and you married him because it was convenient and he was a
a good provider.

This man is the father of your children Do you think he doesn't know how you feel? In a way you trapped him. Letting him think you loved him. That is sooo wrong. Now you have children and the fairy tale has turned into a nightmare.

You honestly think your husband is happy knowing you don't love him?
I think you need to stop being a selfish narcissistic person and think about your children and the man who has put up with you all these years.

So he yells? I suppose you are perfect? If you decide to go to this other man, is he going to be a father to your children? NO WAY! He wants a piece on the side and then you'll go running back to the husband. If you do this .I hope your husband finds someone else who will give him the kind of love he deserves.

Don't tell me he knew you didn't love him when you married him. I don't believe that. You are obsessed with another man. It's going to blow up in your face.

I did love him and I wanted him to love me the same way. He didn't though and that's why I wasn't happy. I never meant I didn't love him when we got married... I just wasn't happy.

This other man... I am not obsessed with him and he DOES want to be a GOOD father to my children.

I also hope my husband can learn to love in return so when he does find someone one day, he will be able to give them the love he could never give me.
I never said I was perfect, but I wasn't mentally abusive like he has been.

[beachloverjohn]

There is never any justification for abuse in a marriage. This man abused his wife and children, {according to her} and should leave him for everybodys sake.


However, by your own admission you stated that you did marry him because you were looking for someone to take care of you. So I get what KITKAT is trying to point out. Unfortunately, you're kids are the ones that are going to suffer.

[Morallyconfused]

However, by your own admission you stated that you did marry him because you were looking for someone to take care of you. So I get what KITKAT is trying to point out. unfortunately, you're kids are the ones that are going to suffer.

Yes I see that now... but at the time this was not my intention. I didn't do it to be evil or anything. My father had left me and my mom and I was pretty torn up about it. My husband knew this and I think he used it to his advantage and I think I let him because I was not mentally able to see where I was at that point in my life. I can see it now after aa lot of soul searching and talking with my husband about it. But my original intent was to be happily in love and start a family.

[88sunflower]

The answer to your title is, NO.

You say you got together with your husband because you were looking for someone to take care of you. You said he was a good provider. I guess he has done his job then. You weren't looking for a perfect husband so you didn't get one. Now you have to deal with what you got and make the best of it.

Women who aren't happy don't just pop out three babies with a man they don't love. You have done this and now you have to try and make this work for the well being of those children. You let those babies decide if they are happy with there daddy its not for you to decide.

Why don't you start by facing his drinking problem you mentioned and most likely all the other problems may fade. I agree with your husband. You ask for a divorce and he says its not fair. Your not giving him a chance. Maybe for eight years in your mind you were giving him chances but were you voicing these thoughts to him? Did you ask him to stop or for counseling? Have you at all once put the problems on the table for him to see? I think you need to give him a chance first. At least let him try to be what you feel you need to be happy before you rip is all away.

In all honesty I am sure your boyfriend is a great man. But when your in court batteling over three children, bills, divorce settlements, child support, belongings that you need to split... oh the stress it will cause. If you want a divorce then do it for yourself and on your own. Never for another man. Trust me.

[beachloverjohn]

How can it ever be good advice to tell someone to stay in an abusive marriage. I'm sure both Kit and Sun are seasoned and experienced members of AMHD, and I understand their point. But there is obviously no love in this marriage, and regardless of who was right or wrong, there is not one single justification for these two to stay together. What the OP did was probably not morally correct, but who are we to judge her. Are we so perfect that we can stone this women because she strayed from her marriage? Everyone has the right to be happy, and both her and her husband, as well as her children, also have that right.

[Kitkat22]

Has your husband ever hit you or the children? Do you yell at him?
Is he a good provider? He senses you don't love him, have you ever thought of that?

Have you cheated on him? Has he cheated on you? You are thinking this other guy is going to solve your problem. Not! Tell us the whole story without blaming everything on your husband. Get counseling for all of you.

[88sunflower]

I was not telling her to stay with him. At the end of my post I told her if she was going to leave to do it for herself not for another man. Simple as that.

My points to her were at least give her husband a chance. She made him sound like he was an alcoholic. If she has never put it out on the table they needed to work on the marriage then how is he to know? That's all I was saying.

I don't advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. But you don't just leave a marriage for another man. That's not the answer and its not going to make her happier. Its just going to fill another void.

[Kitkat22]

I was not telling her to stay with him. At the end of my post I told her if she was going to leave to do it for herself not for another man. Simple as that.

My points to her were atleast give her husband a chance. She made him sound like he was an alcoholic. If she has never put it out on the table they needed to work on the marriage then how is he to know? Thats all I was saying.

I dont advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. But you dont just leave a marriage for another man. Thats not the answer and its not going to make her happier. Its just going to fill another void.

I agree Sunny. She's looking for a reason.

[Cat1864]

Use of the Agree/Disagree feature: Disagrees (reddies) are not to be be given for OPINIONS. They are only supposed to be given on inaccurate facts or dangerous advice.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

To the op: Over the past eight years, have you tried to get yourself and/or your husband into counseling? Have you looked into or gone to an Al-Anon meeting (it is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics, Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen Is he always verbally/emotionally abusive or only when he drinks?

To be honest, it sounds like both of you have been unhappy in this marriage. Marriage counseling might help, but I am wondering if his saying that you haven't given him a chance is a lead up to heaping more blame on top of you and the children while playing the 'poor pitiful me' role.

You should NOT leave your marriage for any reason other than the marriage cannot be fixed or it is an abusive relationship. You should never leave one relationship to jump into another one. It is a recipe for a disaster and you already have one big mess.

IF you leave, it should be because you and the children will be better off on your own than walking on eggshells living with your husband. IF you leave, take time to discover what you really want in a relationship and to heal from this one. Learn to support yourself and your children so that you don't feel the need to rely on someone else for support that could collapse on you.

[Kitkat22]

There is never any justification for abuse in a marriage. This man abused his wife and children, {according to her} and should leave him for everybodys sake.

She says he abused her. She is wanting out of the marriage. If he is emotionally abusive or physically abuse then leave. I would however leave the boyfriend alone. He will soon grow tired of raising your children and the sex will grow old and where will you be?

Sometimes you get what you want and find that you have jumped from the frying pan into the Fire. I feel sad for your husband and your children. They sense how you feel about "daddy" and don't think they don't know you are on the prowl for a new man.

[beachloverjohn]

I am starting to rethink my position on this matter. Why would you stay with this so called abusive man until you find another man to take his place. I think all you want is someone else to take care of you. I agree with others her, if you want out then do it for the right reasons, not so you can run to another. Cause they're right, the other man will not take care of your kids. YOu're just kidding yourself

[Jake2008]

This is a little backwards.

First, your obligation is to your husband, and your three children, one of whom is only 10 months old.

What that means is, not considering any other man, until you figure out what you can do to fix the marriage you are in, and, find common ground through counselling to deal with the problems in the marriage.

When there is an alternate hanging in the shadows, who you already have a relationship with, to the point of wanting you to leave your husband and instantly jump into a relationship with him, is not fair to any of the parties involved.

You are having an affair with another man. Is he also married? Does he have children as well? If you haven't already been meeting him on the side, you have at least seen him and talked to him enough to decide he is a better alternative to your husband.

While that is going on, it is easy to further justify, and find good examples of reasons, why your husband is no longer good enough. Because he doesn't know (likely- correct me if he does actually know what your working plan is with the lover on the side), he is facing an invisible foe. He does not know what motivates you- now- to want a divorce. But, you do, and that is the fact that you have enough faith in your boyfriend to think that he will be everything that your husband, in your opinion, is not. So, if we are talking who's doing what to whom, who holds the cards here, and who is the party who doesn't have a clue what you're up to.

All to easy to find fault in your partner. But, you say you tried over the years, but, as recently as 10 months ago, things couldn't have been that bad- you had your third baby with your husband. If he was so bad, and you were so unhappy, and you have carried on a relationship with this other man- it is conceiveable that the baby may not even be your husbands, right?

I think you have yourself in a pickle here, and I advise you to put your boyfriend on hold for the time being. Talk to your husband and if you cannot come clean about man#2 in the shadows, at least try to focus on what the best thing to do is, without your motives for the other man, to take over. By that I mean, take a break from the boyfriend, get into counselling with you and your husband, and hash this out. You have three lives dependent upon both of you, and in my opinon, if there is any possible way to save the marriage, minimum is marriage counselling.

I would think that if you have already discussed moving in with your boyfriend, with your boyfriend, then at some point, you will have to reveal a big part of the marriage problem, is him. Before you go too far, what do you think your husband will say, do or how will he react knowing that you already have another daddy lined up for his children.

I don't mean to sound mean, I really don't. I actually see a situation that can be corrected here, if you put the brakes on what you are doing, and thinking of doing, and get professional help to at least try to get your marriage on track. I can tell you, from being married 34 years myself that love does seem to disappear, believe me. There have been many times over the years where I wanted out, and I hated him, and he was the worst man I'd ever met in my life. But, you can sugarcoat what your version of a long lasting relationship should be like, but the reality is there are many brick walls and mountains to overcome, to get back on track. Maybe think of this obstacle as a challenge, and if you are up for the challenge to repair your marriage, and do the right thing for your children, put thoughts and actions about another man aside, until you at least give yourself, and your husband, a change to make it work again.

[Morallyconfused]

My goodness... some of you have VERY strong opinions about people you dot even know. Assuming I am on the prowl for a new man and that I am just in it for the sex. I wasn't out looking for someone else and my husband and my sex life is fine. That is not the problem. The problem is I do not have a partner in this relationship. He wants all the luxuries of a family without having to do any work for it.

I guess it is hard to ask strangers their opinion of a situation where they don't know the people involved.
My husband is not a full blown alcoholic... yet. And he doesn't not hit me or physically abuse me. He just screams at me and belittles me in front of every person I know and other people I do not know. He is just not emotionally available for anyone.

I have suggested counseling over the past 8 years and he has refused to go because he had to go when younger. NOW that I say I am done he wants to go to counseling.

My sister just called me and she was telling me what she thinks I should do. I have been asking her for a while now and she always says "do whats right for you and your family" very vague and not very helpful. Well today she said that she thinks I should go with the other guy. She knows both men in this situation and she never thought I should marry my husband, but kept her mouth shut because I wouldn't have listened to her anyway at that point in time. She said a guy like this(other man) comes around once in a lifetime and if I pass him up now I will never get another chance and I will be in this awful relationship and be unhappy. She thinks I need to do what will make me happy and the kids will be happy as well. Its not healthy to stay in an unhealthy relationship. She says even if this other guy doesn't work out for some reason I would still be better off getting out of the relationship I am in.

Believe me, I wasn't out looking... this kind of just feel in my lap. Every moral bone in my body knows this is wrong to every party involved... but every selfish bone knows what I want to do. I know no one can give me answers, I just wanted opinions.

I appreciate everyone's opinion. You all made me think.

[FoxCash]

Jumping from one man to another is never healthy in any circumstance, whether married or not.

You've been with your husband for a while now. There are issues and problems that need to be worked out even if you leave him. There were good times in that marriage just like I'm sure there were bad times. You have three children by him the youngest not even a year old yet.

It is your choice whether to leave him or not but think carefully on that choice. If you do leave I would not jump immediately into the new guy's arms. That won't give you time to heal from the divorce and everything else surrounding that marriage. It will add confusion to your children as well. They will need their own time to heal from the sudden change in their lives.

While you being happier will improve some part of their lives, it doesn't need to be in this manner. You shouldn't need a man in your life at all to make you happy. If you choose to leave, take a while to allow everyone to heal first before moving on.

[Cat1864]

Well today she said that she thinks I should go with the other guy. She knows both men in this situation and she never thought I should marry my husband, but kept her mouth shut because I wouldnt have listened to her anyways at that point in time. She said a guy like this(other man) comes around once in a lifetime and if i pass him up now I will never get another chance and I will be in this awful relationship and be unhappy. She thinks I need to do what will make me happy and the kids will be happy as well. Its not healthy to stay in an unhealthy relationship. She says even if this other guy doesnt work out for some reason I would still be better off getting out of the relationship i am in.

With all due respect, your sister is wrong. As has been said several times already, jumping from on relationship to the next is not good in any way.

There are a couple of clichés that come to mind when reading your thread:

1. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.- You and your sister may know this 'new' man, but you haven't lived with him and dealt with him on a daily basis. What he is like in a committed relationship may be very different than how he is now.

2. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.- A lawn that you don't have to mow usually does look more inviting because you don't see the upkeep cost like you do when you look at your own lawn.

Take a hard look at the reality of following your 'heart':

IF you leave your husband and immediately move on to the man you are having an affair with, there will ALWAYS be questions in the new man's mind of when are you going to jump ship again. It may not be a conscious thought all the time, but it will be there. It will affect how he sees you and your interactions with other men. It will burrow into his thought process and cause reactions that you currently seem to think he is incapable of.

IF you leave, leave to be on your own and to get your life in order NOT to satisfy a Romance Novel attraction.

Your children deserve to not be used as pawns in a battle between adults when ALL of this hits the fan IF you go to the new guy. Remember that your husband WILL have visitation and if you think he says negative things about you now, just wait.

I don't think you went out looking for this, but I do think you are taking advantage of the situation. You jumped into this marriage without looking. DON'T leap into the next one the same way. Your children can't swim in the waves that will be made.

[88sunflower]

Greenies your way cat. Perfect.

Look at it this way also. Have you ever once talked with your husband about why your not happy? Does he know how his words hurt you? He can't fix something if he is not aware of it. He told you he was not going to go to counseling before and now he is willing. Doesn't that tell you something? That he is ready to make a change. He is already taking the first step being willing to try counseling.

Your boyfriend is not the answer. As perfect as he seems, he is not. Trust me. If I have to say it every time I post, I have been there. I had a perfect boyfriend on the side. Now I am completely ashamed and hang my head for what I have done. He was an idiot. When all the cards were out on the table he wasn't playing the hands I expected him to play. Oh wait "I exptected" I had my perfect life played out with him. While the entire time my perfect life was right at home in front of me. I was to blinded by the fairy tale to see it.

Oh yes and my sister in lay also told me to leave my husband and move on. But then she would tell me to leave my boyfriend. Then the next day she said to leave my husband. Most people you know are going to sway in what opinions they have. They will base most of the thoughts they have on what your feeling that day. You're the one swaying them back and forth because your back and forth I am sure.

As Jake said, I have been there also. I have been with my husband since 1991 and it feels like forever. Some days I can't even stand the sound of his voice. Other days I can't believe how lucky I was to find him. Forever is a long time. You marry for better and worse through thick and thin. You will fall in love with him and out of love several times through the years. That's what will build you stronger. Give him a chance to be a better man and to be the man you want. You need to work together on this. Together without someone on the side distracting that one goal you should have has husband and wife.

[Jake2008]

You think we don't know you, and are judgmental, but in all reality, you are one of many who end up in the place you are in right now.

You get married, have children, settle into a marriage, and 'suggest' or 'demand' counselling when things are not going well, but at no point do you make counselling a non-negotiable action. There are no expectations of things getting better, because of no real attempt at improving the marriage, by getting help.

If you had said you wanted out for no other reason, than your disappointment and sadness in being in a bad marriage had no hope, and then left, that is one thing. I suspect that had you announced you were leaving, at any point during your marriage, he would have attended counselling, just as he is willing to do now.

But, it is only recently as you said, that another man popped into your life. That is the reason that you are leaving your marriage. My whole point in this regard, is that, had that other man not surfaced, you would not be suddenly finding enough fault, or a big enough reason, to end your marriage. And I doubt that you would have taken the risk of insisting on couselling with your husband, with the fortitude of resolve, that if he didn't go, the marriage was over, because had he refused, you would have been on your own, and that, I believe is the reason why you stayed. In other words, he wasn't intolerable, until you decided you had a reason to leave- which was a man to replace him as a husband and father.

All the excuses you use add up to justifying an affair, and all that entails. It is the worst possible solution to your marriage problems, to plot and plan to leave your marriage for another man, and justifying all that entails, by finally deciding that you are entitled to be happy, all the while casting the blame in your husbands direction, while he remains in the unenviable position of now being 'the other man' himself. And he has no clue.

I know you are struggling with this, and you are intelligent enough to really understand what you are doing here.

If you could consider following through with marriage counselling, with your husband, and try to see that it is in the best interest of everybody (lover, husband, three children and yourself) that you honestly come clean about what is really going on, and then make your decision, you will be a much happier person in my opinion. At least give your husband an option whether to stay married to you, considering what you have done.

And in the meanwhile, put any new relationship aside, until all the cards are on the table, and both you and your husband can each make an informed choice.

Until you do at least that much, you could be throwing your marriage away for all the wrong reasons, and find yourself in the same position that many have found themselves in. The new guy, may not be the man you thought he was (right off the bat he's a cheater).

I'm not judging you, merely pointing out why I think that what you are doing is not in anybody's best interests, particularly your own.