[beachloverjohn]

One thing you said that was very telling. YOu have said that you loved your husband, but you never should have married him. So you knew what he was like before you married him, married him anyway, and had 3 kids with him. Now you want out because you want to be with another man. So now your sister agrees with you, probably because you keep twisting your story to get people to sympathize with you. I think you are headed for disaster if you go as one said "from the frying pan into the fire" What you really should do is 1} get counseling right away 2} put yourself on neutral ground for awhile, another words get away from both your husband AND your boyfriend so that you may start to think more clearly without any ones influence 3} above all, you owe it to your children to put them first , and if you finally are close to making a decision, then your children have to be the deciding factor. You brougt them into this world, and it is your responsibility to make sure they have a loving home, and the more you talk, the more I am starting to think your best chance is to try to work things out with your husband. And ask yourself this question, "would I be planning to end my marriage if this other man didn't come back into my life" If the answer is no, then you owe it to everyone, including your husband, to get marriage counseling to see if there is any chance to work this out.

[BMI]

To the OP, I don't see your side of it at all. I think you came here looking for the 'poor girl, leave that awful man' advice and have realized you won't be getting many of those.

Consider that it seems quite obvious from your post (as others have noted) that you are looking for any reason to justify leaving your husband to be with another man. That being said and commented on, I question how factual the representation of his behaviour really is. When someone wants something such as this, they will surely portray themselves the victim. How else can one justify what you are proposing.

It's ironic that you use the phrase selfish and point to this other man as being a good person. I'd comment that anyone who cannot see the selfishness of their own actions and words (as written by you no less) cannot possibly be the best jusdge of what a good person is.

This may sound offensive but something about this post seems way out of place. Your reasons for leaving are questionable at best, first you never loved him but just used him for whatever reasons (sounds selfish to me). Then you state you don't love him any more because he is abusive and does not treat you fairly. Speaking of which, explain to me how galavanting around with another man whilst in a marriage is fair?

Finally, although you did not clearly state you had physical encounters with this other man, I find it odd that you are both madly in love with each other yet have never been intimate. How exactly did this deep bond develop if you were not at least spending a significant amount of time conversing (or otherwise) nurturing this blessed love? Behind your husband and children's back no less! Yet you speak of fairness.

All in all my post is very harsh and may come off as such. I do admit to making some assumptions; However, if your reasons were sound I doubt anyone would have anything more to say than leave this terrible man. He really seems like the victim here, not you.

[talaniman]

The wise thing to do is to to stop seeing the other guy immediately, as he is a distraction from the decisions you need to make to better your own situation about whether you go, stay, or whatever. That's the important thing as you need to see, that having him on the side is what's influencing your mind at this time, and distracts you from seeing you are doing the same thing with him, that you did with your husband, looking for a safe haven from your problems.

That's very dangerous given you have 3 kids to worry about, and jumping from one failing relationship to another doesn't solve your problem. It merely moves it from one guy to another, as he is willing to take you now, but will he make you all happy in the future? I can tell you he won't but since you think you know him, and he you, you better know it's a lot different when you are actually faced with the reality living together and finding out things you didn't know before, and there is still the reaction of your kids to him, and him to them. Untried and untested, quick and sudden.

Your solution is to first take care of your home NOW, without distraction, and if it fails, then you need the time to find your happiness on your own, by yourself, so you, and your children can heal, adjust, and rebuild. Only then will you ensure a healthy life for your kids, and yourself, and maybe things will look a lot different to you, but at least you will have a chance of making better decisions than you have made in the past, because the path you are on is nothing more than a repeat of the mistake you made to marry to escape whatever your problem was then. You are doing the same thing that didn't work before again, so you have learned nothing by what you have been through.

For the sake of you, and your children, at least explore getting rid of distraction guy, so you can stop looking for guys to take care of you, solve your problems, and make you happy, as that always been, and forever will be your responsibility.

Don't you realize that doing the same things over, and over, and expecting different results, is the definition of INSANITY? For once make a better decision for yourself while you can, before you jump from one problem to another, for the entirely wrong reason.

[beachloverjohn]

The reason your marriage isn't happy is because you married a man who loved you and you married him because it was convenient and he was a
a good provider.

This man is the father of your children Do you think he doesn't know how you feel? In a way you trapped him. Letting him think you loved him. That is sooo wrong. Now you have children and the fairy tale has turned into a nightmare.

You honestly think your husband is happy knowing you don't love him?
I think you need to stop being a selfish narcissistic person and think about your children and the man who has put up with you all these years.

So he yells? I suppose you are perfect? If you decide to go to this other man, is he going to be a father to your children? NO WAY! He wants a piece on the side and then you'll go running back to the husband. If you do this .I hope your husband finds someone else who will give him the kind of love he deserves.

Don't tell me he knew you didn't love him when you married him. I don't believe that. You are obsessed with another man. It's going to blow up in your face.

I just wanted to applaud you for being able to see the inconsistencys of the OP right away. When people blame someone else for their unhappiness, then they tend to look for someone else to make them happy. No one person should ever be solely responsible for anothers wellbeing. You have to learn to like yourself first.

[cheermjm]

I was in your place about three years ago. I had been married for 10 yeas had three children as well. My husband was controlling and untrusting. What I did not know at the time is that my husband had never been faithful to me the entire time we were married. The man that I left my husband for was my first love that I had broken up with a few months before my husband and I started dating. Well I ended up hurting my childern and the other man. I went back to my husband after 7 months to repair the damage I had done to my children. It is now three years later I am still not happy and still with my husband. My children are doing much better now. My feelings for the other man are unchange and he moved from Florida to Delaware to prove that he does want to be apart of my life, but I told him that I need to end my marriage before I can start something with him. I did not find out about my husband being unfaithful until I went back to him. If I had known about that everything would have been different. I would have never went back to my husband.

All I can say is be careful. Sometimes what you have planned is not what ends up happening by the way I never was unfaithful to my husband until I left him and have not been since I returned.

[88sunflower]

I agree. Your in a fantasy right now in a sense not reality. I am willing to bet a lot that nothing will fall in to place or go as you had planned.

[cinnamonlady]

I feel so badly for you because I understand. When we marry, we often have poor reasons because we're too young to know better. I've been married for 27 years to a man who is kind and good, and I don't love him. Well, I love him. I'm just not now, nor have I ever been in love with him. I married him because my family liked him, because he's honest and a good provider and a good man all around. I'm cheating on him, and I'm cheating him because I'm in love with another man, first time in my life, a man I rejected years ago. And no, he may never be mine, but I might rather enjoy the time I have with him, limited as it is, and be real... than stay with my husband and fake the rest of my life. Good luck figuring it out. I wish I had some advice for you. Maybe follow your heart, maybe give your husband a chance to find the love of his life.

[beenthere11]

Dear Morally Confused

I would love to know what happened since you posted your question.

Your marriage sounded abusive to me and unless there is a change in how you two relate to each other, there will be a lot of unhappiness in the future, not to mention real damage to all involved but mostly to you and the children. Unfortunately, abusers rarely change. In fact, people rarely change, at least not profoundly.

I would advise you to put a good together a good leaving plan together. Get all the help you can find. Be aware that you might have to support yourself and your children.

Leaving a marriage, especially an abusive one is always very hard. Be aware that there will be grieving and some serious adjustments to make. This all shall pass however.

Have you ever read the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum?

All the best to you : )