[Notmyrealuser]

I am having issues with finding a girl friend. I am afraid of going nuts over the slightest thing.

... I probably should explain. I don't have any fears of violence, I have good confidence (Which is surprising, really), I flirt with everyone... My issue is this:

I was born into a family with an abusive dad. When I was 5, it was the year that my favorite dog died of heartworms (I went out to play with, touched him and he fell over), and the year that my dad tried to strangle my sister to death. When I was 8 my dad threw my mom against the wall of my room. After that my mom and dad were using me as basically a pawn in their battles out of state.

I had friends, I was a nice kid, but I was fat and whimpy. I was bullied a lot in school. I had a best friend, but he decided that it would be better to make fun of me too. I spent most of my time using my 286 machine and surfing bbs's instead of trying to meet people. My live was spiraling out of control, and I decided to try to kill myself.

Obviously that failed, and my family put me in a mental institution (I was 13 at the time). I ended up going for 3 years. What they didn't know was that in my state, mental hospitals were corrupt, and the people in charge abused patients. I have had years of nightmares related to the staff beating me, putting me in this bubble room with people's blood all over the walls (they tried to kill themselves, although I guess it could've been related to the staff). The 'doctor's would give me medicine I didn't need (think of it as perfoming experiments on us kids), and then get mad at when I didn't perform correctly. Some medicine would knock me right out, if I didn't wake up properly they would throw me in the bubble room or make me sleep on box springs. Those doctors and staff apparently had a lot of sick fantasies of tormenting kids, which hit the news much later, but at the time they tormented all of us. When my mom finally caught wind of it, she went to the director and he quietly got rid of me.

So I was out, thinking everything would be fine (I was 16, this was for 11th grade). I had lost tons of weight as well, and I was pretty good looking. But my school didn't feel the same way, and forced me to enroll is a psycho-ed school. So a person like me who excelled in math and science got to learn 8th grade math all through 12th grade...

Even so, during the time, I made a lot of good friends at a local church. I loved these people. It is easy for me to make friends, even considering my life, as I'm usually very outgoing, and we got along well. Things seemed okay... Although I was having a lot of issues with health. All the stuff those doctors fed me, combined with losing weight fast, destroyed my gall bladder. I was having constant viruses. Although it didn't really affect me until a lot later on...

At my 12th grade year though, I came to my school to find a surprise. Our 'school' had relocated to a couple class rooms at a local middle school! And surprise! People who went to my church went there! I couldn't face them about a past that at the time I myself couldn't face, and all they ever knew was that I was a psycho... I ended up having to leave the first real friends I ever knew.

I went to another church, but nobody ever really cared. I had people who called me friends but never did anything. I ended up quitting church.

It was at this time where I began having constant nightmares. I had had nightmares on and off the past few years, but the worst of my PTSD began here. In the end I ended up having ptsd for 15 years.

My family was never any help. Everyone always fights each other (largely due to how my dad left the family), I was alone.

My health also got worse. I lost all of this weight but began gaining it back (due to many issues, including failing health and depression). Fast forward a few years to 2002-2004, and I began having constant urinary tract infections. I also have a medical condition where my tesosterone constantly depletes.

I was always a computer user, but when I got on to talk I was... angry. I was cyber bullied for awhile too, due to my attitude, and the fact that jackasses online could sense that I couldn't let things go. I ended up having to make a choice. If no one cares for you, do you end yourself, or live because you want to?

I ended up fighting for survival. I started taking androgel, excersicing, eating right, even if it hurt. Even with constant infections. I ended up losing my weight again, and everything seemed good...

In early 2006 I started having pains in my stomach area. This had happened before, I went to the emergency room and they found nothing. I thought it would go away. Only it got worse for 5 days, until the final day I knew I had to go to the doctor.

The doctor thought I was having a heart attack, but couldn't find anything. They gave me a name of a good emergency room and I went. I sat for hours as people coming in for colds got seen according to how they came in.

When I finally got seen, they did scans, and found the problem instantly. My gall bladder was full of puss and about to explode! They put me in the hospital immediately, on the terminal patient ward, WITH A ROOM BY MYSELF, and gave me 30% chance of survival.

I went to sleep for the night. The next day, they wheeled me into surgery. My mom was afriad that I would die, but the only thing I told was, "now is not my time to die".

The surgery was obviously a success, and the doctor told my mom that I was 1-2 minutes from dying when I saw him. I had a second surgery to remove kidney stones, and in 3 days I went home.

My white blood cell count finally went to normal, and I was okay. Or at least I thought... I began not sleeping properly. My nasal passages would close up and I couldn't sleep. I ended up gaining all of my weight back AGAIN!

I was going nuts, going to doctor after doctor. Finally I looked it up and found an issue that was just like mine: Turbinate hypertrophy. I went to a good ent and showed him what I found, and sure enough, I had it. In early 2009, 3 years later and back up to 320 pounds, I had surgery and FINALLY got rid of my medical issues.

One month later I joined a college. It's taken time to get back into math a science, esp. with only having a pre algebra, but that won't stop me. I bought a 6 monitor PC setup to be as productive as possible.

In middle 2010, I have lost 50 pounds, I go to the gym (I've gained a ton of muscle). I have had one virus, a mild cold, in coming on 5 years. My ptsd is gone and I'm making friends.

My hangup though is a best friend or girlfriend. How do I go about this? Most people don;'t have 30 years of trauma. Most people can't go to someone and say "oh hai, I am 31 and just got my drivers liscense 3 months ago, try not to think of me as a loser!".

And there's the whole issue of talking about all of this. Explaining why I've never dated, why I've never had a best friend, why I've never shared an intimate moment with anyone.

And what would you suggest as far as communication? I have no issues talking to women, but not getting their phone number gets me down. I've never gotten rejected, and women have given me their numbers, but you are talking my history...

[redhed35]

That's quite a personal history.

Can I ask have you ever received counsellling or any therapy in the past or currently?

Your very strong to have survived the years of bad health and torment,I would think a partner would be very proud of you.

You seem determined and have plenty of courage,have you ever told anyone else about your history? i.e. friends,teachers.

[Notmyrealuser]

I've had a counselour for years. Only my family knows of my past really.

[Notmyrealuser]

My family *and my counselour. You can't edit topics here?

[redhed35]

Do you think your stopping yourself from getting more involved with a women,for fear of having to reveal your past?

We all have a past,on paper my own is very checkered,but I can explain everything!

You don't have to give a blow by blow account of your past,you get to know someone,they get to know you,trust develops and so does intimacy.

Yes,your going to get rejected sometimes,but not all the time.

Look at what you have already achieved in your life.

I have two best friends,two people I know I can trust and turn too who won't judge me,I'm 38,and I can tell you that took a long time,I count myself lucky and rich to have those two people in my life.

Friendships take time,to have a friend be a friend.

There is no magic formula to making friends or having romantic relationships,but at some stage,if you want both,your going to have to take a leap of faith in people.

Have you looked into support groups? Like minded people sharing there stories and experiences?

[Notmyrealuser]

My fear isn't so much having to give away my past as it is meeting the wrong person. Somebody who would cheat or spread around what I said would set me back years.

As mentioned above, this type of things has happened before.

With that said, you can't avoid relationships because of a fear, but it is something that concerns me.

My main concerns aren't even related though. How do I explain that a handsome guy has never had a serious girlfriend? I look like someone who just wants to have a quick fling, which is another reason I think I'm having issues with finding a serious girlfriend.

How do I explain the drivers license bit? I don't even have a car of my own (Although I've spent the past two years building credit, I'm probably going to get a ford fusion hybrid at christmas), or a houe of my own.

All of these things make me seem like a player, a loser, any number of things.

[Notmyrealuser]

And not having a serious girlfriend is only the beginning. If I mentioned I've never had one that would bring up many flags.

A lot of the things I've mentioned are things related to the beginning of relationships. Should I just lie? Relationships are about trust.

I don't know how to go about this.

[Notmyrealuser]

I didn't totally answer your questions above...

That doesn't stop me, I actually hit on anyone who is sexy (I am single after all). That's another thing that bothers me, I want a relationship, but after hitting people and people finding out I have never had a serious relationship, I only get people wanting to screw.

I am currently friends with most people I know in the gym. Nothing is really stopping me from communication.

[redhed35]

Driving license is easy to explain.

Perhaps you have never needed to drive,lots of people at 40 and 50 still can't drive,I didn't learn until I was in my late 20's.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

No,don't lie,why do you have to say anything,until your sure of where the relationship is going.

Dating is about getting to know someone before the relationship.

Never having a serious girlfriend is not a big deal,your over thinking all these things,I understand there big in your mind,but from where I'm sitting there not,and if I think that,someone else will too.

Dating is about having fun,getting to know someone,enjoying spending time with a women,it should be easy going and natural.

But to get a date,you have to ask people out,there is a member here (talaniman) who sometimes would advice to date them all,tall,short,fat,thin,and its good advice.

You never know who that someone will be unless you take a chance.

As for telling someone about your past,for me,I did it in easy steps,with what I was comfortable with,as the relationship grew.

Step out of your comfort zone a little,and when your ready,when you trust,then you can begin to talk about your past.

In the mean time,I recommend you continue with the counselling,continue growing,healing and learning about yourself.

[Notmyrealuser]

I've already stepped way out of my comfort zone. I have met a few people and plan to date soon. That's the main reason why I'm asking these questions.

[Notmyrealuser]

I'm not sure I've met anyone that want a serious relationship as I've mentioned above though... Which is another reason I'm asking questions like this.

[I wish]

Wow, that's quite a story you have there. You are a survivor and I for one really admire you for that.

Red covered most of the other issues, so I'm going to get straight to the point about having a girlfriend.

I think that flirting around is nice and all, but if you want to have something meaningful, then flirting around isn't the way to go. What you really want is to build some sort of connection with the other person on a deeper level. You make it sound like every time you meet a pretty girl, she's a potential for a romantic relationship. If you set that expectations within the first 10 seconds that you meet them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

These things take time to develop. You have to spend the time to get to know a person before going any further. As for how much you need to reveal? Eventually, you'll probably need to reveal more details, but in the beginning, no one is forcing you to share your story. You can say something like, "it's a very complicated past, when we get more comfortable with each other, I will be glad to share my story with you!" Something along those lines.

The key thing is whether both of you have an interest in spending more time together and getting to know each other better. Your story will have to come out at some point, but no reason to bombard the other person right from the get-go. Focus more on having fun together and enjoying the time that you spend together. Let things flow naturally and see how it develops. Once you're more comfortable with each other, then more details of yours and the other person's life will be revealed naturally.

[QLP]

You have done a great job in working through your problems. So you are having to start on a few things later than you would have liked, but better late than never, and how great that you can now do so.

When you meet someone new and questions arise all you need to say is that you lost some time due to health problems which are sorted now. You don't need to give a blow by blow account. A lot of things you worry about probably won't even get mentioned anyway. Something like the driving, you can say you've just got around to learning. I know plenty of people who cannot drive or learned in their 40s, 50s, or later.

Once a relationship is underway you can divulge things about your past as you feel the need and are comfortable to do so. I have been married 25 years and there are still things I sometimes mention to my hubby from the past that he didn't know simply because it hasn't arisen before then does for some reason. He knew a long time ago that I had a difficult past but he never quizzed me about it just listened when I wanted to talk and shared some of his experiences.

As others have said, just take it slowly and let things happen naturally.

You have had a lot of trauma to deal with and have done great to survive and recover. There are a lot of people out there who have their own stories to tell which you would never guess until you know them. A couple of my old friends often say to me, 'how come you're the only one in your family who turned out normal?' because they know my family history. They simply weren't aware of the dark times I had sometimes. So don't feel like your history is stamped across your forehead for all to see. Enjoy who you are now and share you past only when the time is right.

[massplumber2008]

Hi all:

Great advice above!

I wanted to pop in and suggest that you look into a dating service. These can be a great place to start meeting people on a pretty regular basis.

Most important with this stuff is simply to have fun! Keep it light and just enjoy meeting new friends. If anything develops it will develop over time and meanwhile you will also be having fun!

Glad to discuss if you want!

Mark

[Notmyrealuser]

Well, I guess I got blown off. No date. So I guess this topic is pointless.

I don't really have issues chatting with people, but I did join eharmony about 3 months ago because going back to school limits my ability to talk to people (Although I still do). I've gotten a few to lvl 4 and can talk about what they like, but nothing ever goes past that. I also have currently 342 closed matches.

Well whatever. I'm no longer surprised when **** happens, which concerns me. Can you get to the point where you can't feel anything?

[redhed35]

So you try again.

If you get rejected you try again.

If a successful romantic relationship is what you what,when go about it.

Keep asking for a date,keep being positive,keep working on yourself,keep learning.

I'm 38,I've had 3 long term relationships all which failed miserably,and a lot of the 'why' was down to me.

But I learned from my mistakes,and I learned how to be happy on my own,and I did find someone,or he found me,whichever way it worked we were both happy people in our own skin and lives when we met,and that made all the difference.

Can I ask,what positive traits do you think you have?

[Notmyrealuser]

I never said I'd give up, I just wondered if you can get to where you have no emotion.

Well for one, I am handsome. My dad was a genius, and supposedly I am smarter (Although we will see, after school I plan to go to either Georgia tech for nanosciences, or MIT for theoretical physics), so intelligence, and humour would be another one.

If I wanted to give up, I would done so MANY years ago. I still want to live, but in the past stuff like this would drag me completely down. I could cry for days, weeks sometimes. Now it's almost like it's nothing.

[redhed35]

Perhaps instead of feeling nothing its more that your desenitised?

Possibly.

I do wonder if you have gone from one extreme to another,however it is not my place to make such an assumption,asking your counsellor might be an idea.

Sounds like you know a lot of positives about yourself,you seem confident,and as you say have no problem asking for a date.

How long do you normally know someone before you ask them out on a date?

Could it be your trying too hard and giving off that vibe?

[Notmyrealuser]

I don't think I've gone from one extreme to another, but I'm worried that I am. I know I'm desensitized, but that can easily lead to another extreme.

The thing that always inspired me to go on is the knowledge that getting revenge, losing feelings, would turn into those that did this stuff to me. It's the sole reason I stay sane.

[slapshot_oi]

. . . Most people don;'t have 30 years of trauma.

This is the wrong attitude and the wrong thing to say. People can and do experience trauma for extended periods and are still popular, driven, respectful and jovial to the point where you'd never know they had a lousy background unless they told you. One of my best friend's is a prime example of that. You came off in your post like you were reliving the past 30 years of your life and enjoyed telling it, as if having suffered for most of your life gives you entitlement. Ya, those 30 years were dark but they are gone. Forget them. Move on from them. Never assume you had it worse than anyone else and keep your nose pointed in the other direction.

The past is the past, good or bad, it is all the same and this is a fact.