[loloju]

This is going to be sort of long... I've made up my mind on what to do so I really don't know why I'm here asking but here goes.

I'm 25 years old and had been a 5 year relationship that broke off 6 months ago. I wasn't in a relationship state of mind when we got together, I didn't believe in marriage but wanted kids, I wouldn't cheat but I would flirt and hang out with other guys. He's 9 years older and would talk to me about what I was doing but then I felt that he was acting towards me as a father would act and so I would tell him that if he dind't like what I was doing he could bounce.

I've told him that so many times... and I knew he was in love with me. He admitted he's never felt about someone how he feels about me and that he knew I was too young to understand some things and that he's very patient. But years went by and I never changed... 4 years into the relationship is when... I don't know it just felt as if I was changing... I loved him but I was falling in love with him 4 years into the relationship. I was finally seeing him as marriage material even though I was still scared of marriage. I started acting different, better BUT it seemed too late. He was honest and told me he was not in love with me anymore but felt there was something that held us together and that I would have to do a lot for him to feel about me the way he felt 2 to 3 years ago.

I felt like he stopped loving me... exactly when I started to be crazy about him. So I tried to work on the relationship... but when he was not reciprocating the way I wanted I would cry and be unhappy. On a Friday night, he said he wanted to talk... didn't break up with me but told me that I had crushed him emotionally and that's why he couldn't answer to my efforts (which he noticed) the way I wanted him to answer. He told me he felt like he did not want me anymore and I got so mad and told him fine we're broken up.

2 weeks after the breakup he was calling me, came to my house wanting to talk but once again I was mad and kept to myself. He would keep asking "What is in your heart for me?" and I told him nothing. I cried everyday but blamed myself... as it was because of me that we got to this point. When I asked for him back... maybe a month after the breakup, he said he noticed the breakup was good. I kept begging for him back... and that got him mad... he would tell me hurtful things about what I've done to him. Things that I've done to him were hurting me.. things he told me I did... ways I acted... truly as if he never meant s h I t to me.

Since every time we talked he would be mad... we stopped talking for a while. 3 and a half months after the breakup, I had gone to his house to pick something up... we ended up sleeping together. It's been 6 months and we've had sex twice... last time we had sex I cried because he told me "you're the one i wanted to be with forever but you ****ed it up" I did a lot of soul searching during the breakup, read books, understood more about me and about what I wanted. I'm a work in process and I'm sooooooo glad that I'm growing for the better. I feel that without the breakup I would not be who I am now and have the knowledge that I have now so in a way the break was good for me.

I've been on many dates during those 6 months... come to the very sad realization that good guys out there are hard to find! Very hard to find. After the first date most seem to want sex... sometimes they talk too much and are not interested in one word you are saying... some are too aggressive... some not respectful. I would have never pinpointed or realized those things if I hadn't done my little soul searching so I'm glad or those. My friends are telling me that I'm pinpointing things about guys so I don't date them a 3rd or 2nd time but it's not... I know what I want and need and thus I am not willing to waste my time on what I know I don't want.

I know I should not have had sex with him those past 5 times and he's never the one to force me... I just... I just still want him. We do not talk about our past relationship anymore. The first 3 times we had sex I would get up and leave. Last 2 times even after he said what he said the last time, I spent the night and he cuddled with me (which of course led me to cry). He's also told me that once he meets someone he is interested in, he will no longer contact me if he does not hear from me because he would not want to be tempted to cheat on his someone new with me.

I feel that I either need to be with him or move on for real which would involve stopping ALL forms of communication. I've asked for him back plenty of times before but that was 4 months ago... I still have a long way to go but I've grown sooooooooo much since then... I've analyzed myself, read books, found God, lost weight working out, eating better, graduated from college (he came to it)

I'm just wondering if I should ask him to give us another try. And if so, how exactly do I go about doing so? Also I feel it might be important to mention that I've never asked him to come back to me face to face; it's always been in an email or letter... now I want to do it face to face but what do I say besides "do you believe we don't belong together anymore?"

Thank you for your help

[Bluerose]

There is nothing complicated in trying to resuming a relationship. You simply write or email a heartfelt letter of apology, stating how you feel now, and ask to meet up to talk things over. If there is anything worth saving the other party will agree to a meeting. This should be held anywhere but either of your homes. Then if you are sincere and the other party is still interested, there is hope for that relationship. If not, then part as friends and move on with your life and let him do the same.

Relationships work better once we realise that behaviour can change but personalities stay the same. ~ Bluerose

[Starry nights]

Too much of ego on both ends for this to be a healthy relationship.First you treat him badly.Then you start falling for him and he starts treating you well-sort-off badly,since after all,you were willing to do anything to get him back.Then the sex.Which messes things up more.And now finally no communication for 4 months.Sounds like a stalemate situation to me.

What's been happening with him for the last 4 months?Have you both had any decent communication at any point of time about what both of you want?You have "begged",as you say to get him back but that's not a two-way,frank conversation.

If you feel you need to really know what's on his mind and if he 's looking at a relationship with you,please don't play mind games this time.Do away with your ego,come clean with what you want in a very straightforward and direct manner and talk it out for the last time.

But there's a catch here.Whatever you decide from that talk is exactly what you should promise yourself to stick to unwaveringly.If you BOTH decide to move on,you must gear up for that.If you BOTH decide to stay,prepare yourself for that as well.Try and make this a mutually agreed-upon and mutually decided matter this time and anything one-sided must be shot down.

[redhed35]

Where once you were all he wanted you were dropped down to a handy shag,the lowest rung on the ladder.. not love, not respect.

This guy is not worth your time or effort.

From reading your post I doubt you will get anything off him worth much,he may be delighted that your still interested and keep your number in case he needs a quick release.

My advice is too hang on to the scraps of dignity you have left try and move on.

No contact is what he's doing,you do the same.

[talaniman]

I think you do better to continue growing within yourself through No Contact.

Until you can date for fun without judgment. Clearly you are still trying to fill the hole in your soul and are probably a lousy date, let alone partner to any one, until you have gone through the whole process, and its obvious it will be longer than mere months. Stay with it.

[savemymarriage]

Communicationis the key to resume any broken relationships. http://www.savemymarriage-help.com

[Homegirl 50]

This relationship ran it's course a while ago and it was dysfunctional, now all you have is sex and regret.
If you have really matured and grown that is great. Take it and move on with your life.
Leave him alone. You are a booty call to him and he has told you if he meets someone else he does not want even that.
It's over, move on.
Leave the man alone and you get a life.

[lamp_post]

Well, we do not know how strong is your love towards each other before. Get yourself clear and go meet and talk to him. It seems that he is a guy who is willing to talk things through.

However, please gear up for the worst possible outcome. Then, move on and don't need to rush for relationship. It will be disaster, I've done it before. It will make you compare with your ex more. GO meet OLD friends. Good luck! =p

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think you need to go backward. He has said when he finds someone new he's done with you. I think he is saying he is moving on. So should you.

[loloju]

I Thank you for your advice. I had decided to take a risk and tell him how I feel, he claims that he wanted to be with me but is confused as it seems that I have changed but he cannot be sure. I have decided to move on... I have cried again and felt lonely at times but I have learned what I want and need now... and I know where I stand (not as confused as before) and so I am actively looking :)...