[relationship]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We have had ongoing problems with unmatched sex drives. He believes my sex drive is abnormally low, I usually want it once or twice a week. He says he needs it every day and says as a substitute he needs to resort to porn. I have almost no issue with this as I understand I cannot be there all time to satisfy him. Recently he got a tattoo of my name on his arm to show his love, and now is says I need to do something to show I am committed to him sexually. He has asked that I get my nipples pierced. I do not want to have it done and told him so and he said I need to do something else sexual as I do not show it in the bedroom. I am so frustrated with this as I get a brazilian wax for him but he just brushes that off. I think the main problem is that if we do not have sex for week he punishes me by giving no affection or desire for sex, even though I know the desire is still there. This happens at least once every few months. I end up feeling guilty all the time that I am not enough. He says that's all he wants is me but then says things that make me think he does not love me the way I am. He says I need to start going to the gym as he is not attracted to me like he was when we first met (I am now a size 12 instead of an 8). This is very hurtful and even though I think I do need to lose a little weight it makes me feel like I am not good enough.

There is such a lack of communication in our relationship, I wanted to go to a counselor but he refuses. I am not sure how I can save this relationship.

[redhed35]

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship that is making you stay?

This guy sounds like a immature teenage boy with no clue of how mutual respect and understanding work in a relationship.

If he refuses to see there is a problem in the relationship nothing you do is going to please him.

He is using emotional blackmail on you,chipping away at yourself confidence,and belittleing you.

My advice is to end it,walk away with what is left of your mental and emotional well being.

[Jake2008]

I agree with Red. The sex part of your relationship does not sound like love, at all. It sounds like a contest. He wants more sex than twice a week, once a day, so that is his excuse for porn. He gets a tattoo to 'prove his love' and turns that around into you also have to 'prove' you are 'sexually committed'- with nipple piercings?

Sex is only one part of a relationship. Not the relationship itself; it is an extension or expression of love that comes naturally. That means no pressure, no qualifications, no proof required. There is no distinct 'status' one party has over the other, particularly in demanding that certain requirements be met to 'prove' that you are committed, sexually or otherwise.

What bothers me more is that his behaviour, is not alarming to you. It is enough that he thinks of you as merely a part of HIS sexual agenda. What do you think, when he expects you to compromise for the lack of sex, by proving you are sexually committed with piercings ofyour nipples? This seems fair and reasonable to you? You say you don't want to, but why aren't you saying no!

What his demands won't do, is make any part of the relationship better. It is pretty clear that he does not consider his unusual and unreasonable demands to even be negotiable, what's next- he's punishing you now, do you think he will decrease his demands, or come up with more.

He wants you to be who you are not, and agree to who he wants you to be.

I agree again with Red when she says, walk away with what is left of your mental and emotional well being. That you are contemplating giving in to his demands tells me that both are already damaged.

[QLP]

Agree with both the above.

It was his choice to get a tattoo. Demanding that you get piercings or anything else done to YOUR body is ridiculous.

Sex twice a week is perfectly normal for many people. It is unfortunate that you have differing sex drives but what gives him the right to punish you as though you are the one who is wrong? Do you punish him for having a higher sex drive?

He is behaving like a spoilt brat who can't get as many sweeties as he wants. He is trying to maniupulate you. He might want sex every day but he doesn't need it. Him treating you like some kind of sexual possession is hardly likely to increase your sex drive for heaven's sake.

Don't let this continue. Either end the relationship, or get yourself some counselling to help you work out how to stop allowing yourself to be treated this way. You deserve better than this.

[KBC]

I can't spread rep much more,, I already agree with all above as much as I possibly can,, (sorry red, too many greenies of late.. LOL)

I WAS this guy, many years ago mind you.

I didn't go to the tat for my needs, but the judgmental, manipulative, underhanded schemes I played on her were more than any person SHOULD have to deal with in their lives.

A healthy relationship doesn't require sacrifice, compromise perhaps,but never sacrificing ones principals.

You said no to the piercings and he COUNTERS with something more? What is this?A poker game?

The idea he won't go to counseling is a big red flag in my personal book(and perhaps others as well), his need to stay in the fantasy(and keep you there)is more important than his desire to have a functional relationship(IE: see Jake's answer about that)

Somewhere there is something missing, is it in his needs,your acquiescence(the Brazilian)or something else?What are YOU getting from staying in this relationship?

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, he has a porn addiction and is blaming you. If he wants to get off more often, he has his hand and mind, he does not need porn.

So he demands, you can demand, no more porn also.
It does not have to be his way or no way.

He has unrealistic ideas, and while some couples have sex every day, it is hard with real life and busy schedules.

I bet he does not want to get his balls pierced and a chain on them either ?

I see no reason to stay with the jerk but if you want to make him go to counseling with you.

[Kitkat22]

Tell him to get his "johnson" pierced . Leave him , he's a jerk.