[oakland1980]

Hello, I'm having a serious issue with my husband child. We were married at 22 and at the time his son was around 4.5 years old living with his grandmother (my current mother in law) His Grandmother raised him since birth pretty much because his mother (My Husband sons mother) was 16 at the time and wasn’t ready to settle down and become a parent. Things were good in the beginning because it was me and my husband. We hanged out and went on dates as couples do. So one day out the clear blue my husband stated to me that he wanted to have his son to remain permanent in our home. And asked if I was ready to step up to the plate as a support. In the back of my mind I wasn’t ready because I do not have kids of my own and I do not have patience none whatsoever when it comes to kids. At this time his son was around 7 or 8 Years old, So just imagine the boy has a mother and son bond with his grandmother and was used to his living there and her rules etc. That was his comfort zone. He was happy there living with her and his Grandfather. So the day came and my Husband snatched him from his happiness and it’s been hell since has been living here with me and my husband. He's rude very disrespectful, He lies, steals and has an eating disorder. He's a know it all and belligerent, very arrogant for his age! Yes I know. I cannot tolerate him. I CANNOT STAND HIM! He has caused soooo many problems in our marriage with me and his father, My In Laws, His Mother and her family, Because all the lies he told and sending subliminal messages about me to people. He’s like the Omen. He’s a very bad seed and some people see that he including me but my husband wants to be in denial. His Mother his dead beat Mom, She’s Irrelevant to this conversation. So on this note, I’m inclosing. He needs help.
Don't know what to do or handle this issue

[JudyKayTee]

I have no idea how old the child is and cannot tell his age from your post.

I'm sure he is well aware that you can't "stand him" (in caps, no less), that he is disrupting your life with your husband, that you feel he is a bad seed. He's meeting your expectations.

I think you're the one who needs therapy here. Maybe he does, too, but you apparently expected problems from the start - and that's exactly what happened.

I'm a stepmother times 4. It's not always easy. Some kids are harder to understand than others. This child was "snatched" by his father (your word) and thrust into an unfamiliar situation, away from what is apparently the only home he knew.

My personal advice is to leave the relationship - do everyone, including yourself, a favor.

[HETHERWCG84]

If you are his "wife" and you love him and you married him knowing he had a child you should welcome the fact that he wants to stand up as a parent! If you can't do this... LEAVE!

[JudyKayTee]

If you are his "wife" and you love him and you married him knowing he had a child you should welcome the fact that he wants to stand up as a parent! If you can't do this....LEAVE!

Hether, you are new here but this is me, applauding you. Great answer, good advice, right to the point.

The legal boards are full of parents who want to walk away. Here's a father who WANTS to be a father and his wife is hanging him out to dry.

Sad.

[DoulaLC]

I can see the point of the others, but also wonder:

What sort of discipline goes on in your home from his father? Or is that left to you?
Was the child prepared for the transition or did he just get packed up and moved one weekend? Did he spend weekends, for example, with you and his father?
When you married, did your husband know that having kids of your own, as in your house, was not something you were interested in?
Did he discuss this with you?

Yes, he is the boy's father, but obviously it had been convenient for him to let his mother raise his child. Why didn't he step up to the plate before now?

If your husband won't take the discipline and raising of the boy seriously, and you want to remain in the marriage, you will have to set a time to sit down and discuss with him how the child will be raised... what the expectations are for your household, so that everyone can live in peace. He does his child a grave disservice to allow him to be wild and ill mannered.

I can understand that the child may be angry and testing limits, but that is not a free card for poor behavior. If the three of you are going to make a harmonious family unit, you all could do with some family counseling so that everyone better understands their role.

[Kitkat22]

You hate a child? That doesn't say too much for you in my book.
Think of how he feels. I imagine you're no walk in the park!

You are jealous of a child. He sends "subliminal messages".

If he needs help, try to see if they have a family rate, and you go first. Be sure to tell the Psychiatrist about him being a "bad seed".

Shame on you. Really you are an evil person. Poor Kid.

[Bluerose]

I feel sorry for the child. To not be wanted by your parents. Then spend all those years with grandparents and then be pulled out of that home without any preparation and agreement. This poor child will need therapy if he is ever going to understand what is going on and how this might effect his life. I have a young grandson with me who was also abandoned by his parents.

[Kitkat22]

I feel sorry for the child. To not be wanted by your parents. Then spend all those years with grandparents and then be pulled out of that home without any preparation and agreement. This poor child will need therapy if he is ever going to understand what is going on and how this might effect his life. I have a young grandson with me who was also abandoned by his parents.

I don't think the Op will be back. It got to hot in the kitchen.:cool:

[DoulaLC]

I don't think the Op will be back. It got to hot in the kitchen.:cool:

I hope she does. I also feel badly for the child, sounds like the home he had with his grandmother was the only constant in his life, but I feel for her as well.

Yes, she is an adult, and her words were harsh, but it sounds like she was thrust into a situation that was not on the table when she married. She is frustrated with the child's behavior, unable to manage it, and the father apparently is still not interested in, or capable of, raising his child. I wonder if he married in part to provide his child with a mother?

Now, if the child had been spending time with them now and then, and it had been discussed, and the father was working towards having custody, that would be different.

Horrible situation for all of them, obviously mostly for the child. I hope they do go to family counseling and that the grandmother is still active in his life.

[Kitkat22]

I hope she does. I also feel badly for the child, sounds like the home he had with his grandmother was the only constant in his life, but I feel for her as well.

Yes, she is an adult, and her words were harsh, but it sounds like she was thrust into a situation that was not on the table when she married. She is frustrated with the child's behavior, unable to manage it, and the father apparently is still not interested in, or capable of, raising his child. I wonder if he married in part to provide his child with a mother?

Now, if the child had been spending time with them now and then, and it had been discussed, and the father was working towards having custody, that would be different.

Horrible situation for all of them, obviously mostly for the child. I hope they do go to family counseling and that the grandmother is still active in his life.

She said he sends "subliminal messages" how could someone think that about a child? You're right about her being thrust into the situation, but
She knew he had a child. I think this little boy is dire need of a stable home life and yes, counseling may help.:)

[Fr_Chuck]

Why was he with the grandparents to start with,

Where or who had legal custody ?

Where is the child's mother in all of this ?

And why or what happened to make your husband go and get the child all of a sudden.

And you have also described about 1/2 of all teenagers in the US at one time or another

[oakland1980]

You hate a child? That doesn't say too much for you in my book.
Think of how he feels. I imagine you're no walk in the park!

You are jealous of a child. He sends "subliminal messages".

If he needs help, try to see if they have a family rate, and you go first. Be sure to tell the Psychiatrist about him being a "bad seed".

Shame on you. Really you are an evil person. Poor Kid.

Hello, Thanks for you're input. In no way I'm jealous of a child. This kid has no respect no whatsoever. I've tried to get him to be seen by the specialist. But in the category of the Being the step parent I was told either the mother or father must fill out the paper work. I
Ve done everything to make him happy. Did you know that me and his mother got into a physical fight because he lied and told things were taking place in my household? And the cold thing she gave him up when he was a kid. Nuff said

[Wondergirl]

Where is the father in all this?

[Kitkat22]

Hello, Thanks for you're input. in no way I'm jealous of a child. This kid has no respect no whatsoever. I've tried to get him to be seen by the specialist. But in the catagory of the Being the step parent I was told either the mother or father must fill out the paper work. I
ve done everthing to make him happy. Did you know that me and his mother got into a physical fight because he lied and told things were taking place in my household? and the cold thing she gave him up when he was a kid. nuff said

The thing I don't understand is, He was happy with his grandparents.
Your husband knew you hate kids, so why did he uproot this child, bringing him into a hostile environment. No child is evil. His unhappiness
Should have been a clue.

You had a mindset before you even became his stepmother. I would for the sake of this little boy, take him back to where he was happy. How old is he?

[oakland1980]

Thanks to all for your replies, but please do note there are 3 sides to every story. He's a kid that has no respect whatsoever. He's has caused beef (problems) stole from me Money. Has taken things out of my room and hide them from me and I've asked him nice to please leave my things alone. He needs serious help. He walks around and not speaks but will have the audacity to go in my ice box and make him something to eat or drink. Like I’m not there, He resent that me and his father is married and why him and his mother and father is not a family. He's confused etc. Me and my husband constantly fight because he puts him on the peddle stool and I feel that is wrong. I'm his wife and if your child decides to live here with us you need to set the guideline and rules. Teach him to respect me and this house. You wanted him here not me. When I did marry him (my Husband) the boy was living with his grandmother after 4 years my husband decided to take him and raise him. He pushes my buttons all the time. My husband is the only person that sees that his child does not need help. I can count the people that indicated that this kid has serious issues, His Mother all his grandparents the schools, friends and the list goes on. So is selfish to say I do not want to deal with him and he keeps causing problems with in my home. If I talk to him he tunes me out or says little smart comments like “I’m not going to argue with you" with a bad attitude! Or he'll say “if I don’t have anything nice to say to you (ME) I’m keeping my mouth shut. This is coming from an 11.5 year old and I’m over 30? I don’t play with kids. I feel that if he talks to me in this manner I don’t bother with him at all. I went all over and beyond nice showed love and he has shut me out. Do you all know that he doesn’t consider me as his Mom or Step Mom? I’m a family member to him and that what he has told me. I've never tried to take the place of his biological mother but she’s trash in my book. She has no dealings with him he also doesn’t respect her and they constantly bump heads. So this is my story.

[Wondergirl]

You have to admit this kid has been jammed into a bad place. He lived in a good situation for years and then was jerked out of it and is constantly reminded that his parents are divorced (kids usually think that's their fault somehow) and desperately wants them back together even if his mom is not a good one. She's still his mom.

Meanwhile, you look like the bad guy who is now the father's wife and, on top of it, don't want the kid around. Can you get the father and son into counseling with you (i.e. come in through the back door) by saying you want to find a happy resolution to this, so that the father will figure out how to be a real father instead of putting the son on a pedestal?

[JudyKayTee]

You need counselling - either you, the three of you, the child.

I stand by what I said the first time - he's 11, you're 30. Act like it.

[Kitkat22]

There seem to be no winners in this situation.

The child is the one who loses. His mother doesn't want him and neither do you and he is aware of it.

Your husband has to be blind if he thinks this is going to fix itself, it won't

Imagine how this child feels, taken from a home he had known all his life and thrust into a home situation that is volatile.

This child is that, a child. It is up to his Dad to set some rules.
You three need Counseling and if you do not set your foot down and tell him this then I'm afraid you and this little boy are never going to have a chance of having any kind of relationship.

Don't call the child evil, he is troubled and God knows he has a right to be.


He is in an environment where
Taken from his grandparents and placed into a home he doesn't know.

The step mom who doesn't' t like him or any child.

The mother doesn't want him and makes that obvious.

Dad doesn't think anything is wrong.

I think you should consider what he has gone through and try in your heart to love him.

If you can't you will have to figure out what to do and where you want to be.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Oakland, I agree with Judy here. This kid may have problems but you are the adult. He is acting out for a reason. I am sorry that this appears to be falling entirely on your shoulders when you feel you didn't sign up for this, but that is the problem with marrying someone who has young children. We can't pretend they don't exist and we have to deal directly with any issues that crop up. Right now all three of you are in a no win situation. Apparently the kid isn't going anywhere. Since your husband refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, it is up to you to figure out how to make this into a situation you can live with.

As you stated, you cannot place the boy into counseling, therefore, I think it would be a very wise decision on your part to seek a counselor for yourself. You need someone who can help you figure out how to deal with this boy in a manner that will get him to come around and view you as his stepmother and not his enemy. A good family counselor will help you figure out what is triggering his behavior and teach you how to manage the situation in a positive way. Once your husband sees you are attempting to find a way to work with his son, he may be more open to the idea of all three of you attending family counseling together.

[Kitkat22]

In my mind I keep picturing this little boy and what must be going on his mind.

His mother from what we know is a fruitcake and doesn't want him.

His step mom is jealous because he takes a lot of attention away from her .

She told her husband she didn't like kids and yet here is this child in a home where he is regarded as
"Damion" "The Omen" and he sends subliminal messages for heaven knows what? This is what the step mom said.

We have a child who is disruptive and misbehaves. Gee I wonder why?

Then there's Dad who doesn't have a clue about what he has done to cause this situation. He won't seek counseling, because He Feels" it isn't needed. What a Guy.

This child was taken from the only home he has ever known and thrown into a bunch of people who fight (The ex and the step mom) and scream and yell at him.

The child did not cause this, daddies and mommy and step mommy dearest did.

You people need to get your act together and stop thinking of yourselves. Daddy needs to get a step up to the plate and be a father and grow a brain and get this situation under control.