[DoulaLC]

You mentioned the schools have noted problems with his behaviour. Are you on any of the paperwork to be able to discuss these concerns with his teacher and school counselor? That may be a place to start. The school counselor should be able to either work with you directly or put you in contact with someone who can.

I agree with others. It is likely he isn't going anywhere and if you want to remain in the marriage then you will have to learn ways to deal with him. This is quite a bit to take on; being an instant parent to a child/pre-teen, especially one who is unruly and unhappy.

It is unfortunate this wasn't dealt with years ago when he first came to live with you and his father, but believe me, you want to learn ways to manage and work with him now before he gets any older.

Ask the school counselor for information on step-parenting. There are many online sites and books available on the topic. Find some that are easy to read and that will give you a starting point.
Hopefully, as has been said, once your husband sees you making an effort, he will come around as well.

Do what you can to get your husband onboard with it however. He is the key to this situation. Have you tried to sit both of them down and have a family meeting to discuss how you feel? Without being negative? Ask both of them what they feel needs to be different to make the household work more smoothly. If your stepson responds with a smart remark, stay calm and simply state that his remark is not helpful, is disrespectful, and that you would appreciate it if he took the situation seriously. If dad won't step up and offer suggestions, then you take over and state what you expect and why.

I know he pushes your buttons... more importantly HE knows that he pushes your buttons and will continue to do so. Stay calm, keep things on track of what is being discussed, avoid responding harshly if he becomes rude... and, if he does, ask your husband, right there and then, if he feels that is acceptable.

[oakland1980]

I hear all of your answers. But I shouldn't say that he's evil. But I would say that he's troubled. I've tried to get all of us in therapy. And once again my husband says NO! I have a doctor and he's excellent. My husband feel it's a waste of time. And I never said that I Hate kids or my husband son. I stated that I cannot stand him because of his behavior. My hands are tied. And I asked my husband over and over to either give him back to his grandmother or get him help. He's emotional. And does things to block out his anger. I knew my husband before his child was born. We grew up together by the way. He always take is sons side.

[Bluerose]

I think you are having a really tough time of it but he is just a child. He has been pushed from pillar to post, he is hurting and probably struggling to express himself. And that’s not easy because kids don’t understand us, we are supposed to understand them. I know it would be very difficult but do you think you could let some of his comments pass you by. No more arguing, just let him know that you are here if he needs you and that you want to try to make this work. Your home life must be hellish right now. Isn’t it worth trying to sort things out with the child?

I think you really want to sort this out. That’s why you came here in the first place. But you need to be ready to listen and try to use the information you are getting here.

Keep reading and keep posting. Something useful will come from all this.

[Kitkat22]

I hear all of your answers. But I shouldn't say that he's evil. But I would say that he's troubled. I've tried to get all of us in therapy. And once again my husband says NO! I have a doctor and he's excellent. My husband feel it's a waste of time. And I never said that I Hate kids or my husband son. I stated that I cannot stand him because of his behavior. My hands are tied. And I asked my husband over and over to either give him back to his grandmother or get him help. He's emotional. And does things to block out his anger. I knew my husband before his child was born. We grew up together by the way. He always take is sons side.

Tell your husband in no uncertain terms to open his eyes and see what's happening around him. Tell him the three of you are going to therapy or he can take over raising his son . Complete responsibility. Don't let him say you don't need it cause you do.

[DoulaLC]

I agree with Kitkat... you'll need to be the one to take control of the situation if you want to regain peace and harmony in your household. Discuss with your husband what the new ground rules and expectations will be. Keep it simple, get his input, then have a family meeting to talk about how you would like to work together to help things improve.

If your husband is not around him as much, he may not be seeing everything that goes on. Easier to ignore the situation that way and certainly no one wants to think their child may have a problem. If need be, gather school reports about concerns with behavior, and document situations at home for awhile to let your husband see just what you are talking about.

Find books, online resources, ask friends about step-parenting so that you will feel better equipped as to what your role is and can be. A simple one is "Step-Parenting for Dummies". If he simply refuses to consider counseling, consider it for yourself, again to help you gather more ideas to improve the situation.

How much time does your husband spend with his son? How much interaction is there? Does he help with homework, ask him to do chores, discipline him when necessary, does he speak up or ignore rude comments? Do they do things together on their own and do you do things as a family? Encourage your husband to spend more time, take on a greater role with his son if he doesn't already.

Plan outings as a family, spend time having fun together, try to focus on the positives... if he does well on a school paper for example, or compliment him on a chore he has done. It is easy to get stuck in the negatives and focus on those if you aren't careful, and I can understand how frustrating it can be when he doesn't behave the way you think he should (trust me, I know, I teach!)... :)

I wish you well...

[FoxCash]

Did you know that me and his mother got into a physical fight because he lied and told things were taking place in my household? and the cold thing she gave him up when he was a kid. nuff said

You're in your thirties and you think it's appropriate to get into a physical fight with someone over lies a child may or may not have told?
You want to say the kid is troubled (he has reason to be) but you're not when you're getting into physical fights with his mom?

I sure hope this little boy doesn't know what you feel about his Mom. Regardless, of the type of Mom she is she is still his mother and 50% of him!

Thanks to all for your replies, but please do note there are 3 sides to every story.

You're right. We're only getting your side of it. We don't know your husbands side, or the son's side.

He walks around and not speaks but will have the audacity to go in my ice box and make him something to eat or drink.

So what do you want? You want him to ask permission to be able to eat or drink anything? Is this child living in the house with his dad who is married to you? Doesn't that make everything shared and not just YOUR household?

You wanted him here not me.

I'm sure the child is picking up on the fact that you don't want him there. And may be adding fuel to an already burning fire.

If I talk to him he tunes me out or says little smart comments like “I’m not going to argue with you" with a bad attitude!!

When you try to talk to him is it talking? Or are you always yelling at him and trying to argue?

Do you all know that he doesn’t consider me as his Mom or Step Mom? I’m a family member to him and that what he has told me.

You two don't get along so I am not sure why this would surprise you. When you get married to someone you don't automatically form that Step-Parent to Step-Child bond, it takes a lot of hard work, understanding, and trust. With a child who has been dumped by both his parents it's going to take more hard work than with any other child. But at least you're a family member to him, there's a lot worse he could have said!

I've never tried to take the place of his biological mother but she’s trash in my book.

Again, you need to keep your judgments of his mother to yourself. When you call her Trash you're just about saying he's trash as he is 50% of her.

And I asked my husband over and over to either give him back to his grandmother or get him help.

I have to applaud dad on not sending the child back to the grandmother. All that is going to do is tell the child "No one wants you". Instead, its better to work out the issues going on with him and show him that he can trust his surroundings and his parents do love him.

He's confused etc. Me and my husband constantly fight because he puts him on the peddle stool and I feel that is wrong. I'm his wife and if your child decides to live here with us you need to set the guideline and rules. Teach him to respect me and this house.

I knew my husband before his child was born. We grew up together by the way. He always take is sons side.

I'm not sure what your point is when you said the bolded above. His child will always come BEFORE you. He will always love his child more than you. That's his child. As long as that child is there you will never be #1 and I would hope you wouldn't want to be. A parent always needs to put their children before anyone else. I would hope that you wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't put their children before you.

If your husband is unwilling to look into counseling then you need to decide if this is a situation you can handle being in anymore. There is a lot more at stake here than just a marriage. There is the health and welfare of a young child that is being bounced around by his parents. Sending him back to his grandmother will not resolve anything. It will only enforce his feelings and escalate his problems more. He's young enough right now that things can turn around for him.

Look into counseling for yourself or look for a support group either online or locally that is set up for just Step Parents. And if working with this situation then the only option I see is for you to leave.

[oakland1980]

Hello. Like I've indicated before his Mother assaulted me. She came after me because the son went to her and lied and told stories about me and my husband, I've tried to build a friendly relationship with her and explain scenarios about her son, She told me in so many words she do not want to hear it, She has caught a case dealing with me because she heard the wrong side of the story. She assaulted me she threatened me and she did time. I've explained to my husband lets have family group session the answer is NO NO NO NO!! So in this situation there's nothing that I can do but wait and pray to God for a miracle. How do you deal with a child that's mute and do not speak. I've tried and tried to speak to him he has a nasty attitude. And to speak on the food thing yes he must ask because there are certain things that I eat or have that's for me only. I've explained that to him. I never said that he must ask to open my ice box. I've indicated to his father (My Husband) that if he wakes up or see me in the same house he should say hi. Because remember things that he uses they don't fall out the sky or magically appear like POOF! All I'm asking for some respect. I've stated this to my husband because this is his child not mines. If I live here he needs to act like it. If I remind him to clean up after himself he should do it. This is why I state that some people are not fit to be parents. There's no way if I have a child I would let my Mother or family member raise my kid and after 7-8 years of their life and they're a pretty much established I say "Hey I'm getting my child" To me it's too late the damage is done. The Mom is history. The Dad was (My husband) was doing his thing. I don't know because I was raised by my grandmother by choice because my father Died when I was 5 mons and my mother was extremely Ill. So certain things in my upbringing were to respect my elders. And if an adult speak to me DO NOT TALK BACK. So I hold my husband responsible, And yes we've talked last night and I've explained to him that one day he will see where all this is coming from its going to come out to the light. Please keep me in your prayers. I Love kids but I do not tolerate disobedient smart mouth sassy attitude kids. I don't play with children at all, I make it real clear to any kid's family, Friends etc, I'm the Adult and you're the child and stay in your place and I will stay in mines.

[Kitkat22]

Hello. Like I've indicated before his Mother assaulted me. She came after me because the son went to her and lied and told stories about me and my husband, I've tried to build a friendly relationship with her and explain scenarios about her son, She told me in so many words she do not want to hear it, She has caught a case dealing with me because she heard the wrong side of the story. She assaulted me she threatened me and she did time. I've explained to my husband lets have family group session the answer is NO NO NO NO!!! So in this situation there's nothing that I can do but wait and pray to God for a miracle. How do you deal with a child that's mute and do not speak. I've tried and tried to speak to him he has a nasty attitude. And to speak on the food thing yes he must ask because there are certain things that I eat or have that's for me only. I've explained that to him. I never said that he must ask to open my ice box. I've indicated to his father (My Husband) that if he wakes up or see me in the same house he should say hi. Because remember things that he uses they don't fall out the sky or magically appear like POOF!! All I'm asking for some respect. I've stated this to my husband because this is his child not mines. If I live here he needs to act like it. If I remind him to clean up after himself he should do it. This is why I state that some people are not fit to be parents. There's no way if I have a child I would let my Mother or family member raise my kid and after 7-8 years of their life and they're a pretty much established I say "Hey I'm getting my child" To me it's too late the damage is done. The Mom is history. The Dad was (My husband) was doing his thing. I don't know because I was raised by my grandmother by choice because my father Died when I was 5 mons and my mother was extremely Ill. So certain things in my upbringing were to respect my elders. And if an adult speak to me DO NOT TALK BACK. So I hold my husband responsible, And yes we've talked last night and I've explained to him that one day he will see where all this is coming from its going to come out to the light. Please keep me in your prayers. I Love kids but I do not tolerate disobedient smart mouth sassy attitude kids. I don't play with children at all, I make it real clear to any kid's family, Friends etc, I'm the Adult and you're the child and stay in your place and I will stay in mines.

Did you talk to your husband about the advice we gave you? He needs to get his head out of his Butt and see what is going on. I think if you and he and your step son sit down with an impartial part such as a counselor or even a minister he would see what's wrong.

Has he ever considered taking that little boy back to the grandparents and why in the world did he take him away?

[Just_Another_Lemming]

To me it's too late the damage is done. I Love kids but I do not tolerate disobedient smart mouth sassy attitude kids. I don't play with children at all, I make it real clear to any kid's family, Friends etc, I'm the Adult and you're the child and stay in your place and I will stay in mines.

I disagree that it is too late. The kid is only 11 1/2 yo. There is still time to turn around your relationship IF you are willing to work on it. Here is a question for you: How has making those demands of yours worked out for you so far? From what I am reading, you are making absolutely no headway.

I tried to be tactful but I guess it is time to hit you over the head with a verbal 2 x 4. Lady, you need to recognize that YOU are stuck in a rut and YOU need outside help with this. Obviously, your husband doesn't believe there is a problem with his kid. Since you do believe there is a problem, FIND A FAMILY COUNSELOR AND GO TO HIM/HER ON YOUR OWN!!!!!! Holy canoli lady! Really, stop the griping and start finding help to resolve this situation. If you don't want to get help, then start a thread that states all you want to do is rant about your "evil" step child. If you want help in learning how to deal with this child, then do what has been suggested. If you continue down the path you are on, your marriage WILL suffer, if it isn't already suffering. If you don't care that your marriage will in all likelihood eventually fall apart over this situation, then fine. The positive result of that is you won't have to deal with this kid any longer. Sheesh!

[Wondergirl]

How do you deal with a child that's mute and do not speak. I've tried and tried to speak to him he has a nasty attitude.

He's mute?

And to speak on the food thing yes he must ask because there are certain things that I eat or have that's for me only. I've explained that to him.

Are you on a special diet, or are these foods you have purchased for yourself and willl not share with anyone?

if he wakes up or see me in the same house he should say hi.

I thought you said he is mute. How do you greet him?

Because remember things that he uses they don't fall out the sky or magically appear like POOF!

How would he get them otherwise if his parents don't provide them? Are you worried about the expense?

All I'm asking for some respect.

Are you giving respect to him?

I've stated this to my husband because this is his child not mines.

Actually, yes, he has become your child too, by default -- you married his father and he lives in the house you share with his father.

If I remind him to clean up after himself he should do it.

How do you remind him? With what tone of voice? Do you offer to help? Do you make a game of it, make cleaning up fun?

This is why I state that some people are not fit to be parents.

I've gotten the impression you are definitely one of them.

To me it's too late the damage is done.

No, it's not too late. You have a golden opportunity to help this boy.

I hold my husband responsible,

Why? He didn't raise his son.

I Love kids but I do not tolerate disobedient smart mouth sassy attitude kids.

But those are the ones who need love and understanding most of all.

I don't play with children at all, I make it real clear to any kid's family, Friends etc, I'm the Adult and you're the child and stay in your place and I will stay in mines.

That kind of sums it up.

[JudyKayTee]

oakland1980 disagrees : I have a doctor. Don't be so judgmental walk in my shoes for a day and you'll see it a bit clear. If I'm irritating YOU then step off and keep your words of advice to someone else,

You do not automatically get respect; you earn it. If you treat your stepson (and probably your husband) with the same level of courtesy and respect that you have shown here I very well understand why you are having problems.

All I read in your posts is "me, my, I." I think you are minimally self centered and selfish.

Your first post said it all and your continuing efforts to prove yourself right are indicative of the problem here.

At some point the school, a neighbor, a family member, will step in and call CPS and then the problem will be solved.

In the meantime - please don't even attempt to direct how your question will be answered or who will answer it. This is not the "Make Oakland happy" board. This is "Oakland asked, multiple people are answering."

Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answers.

EDIT: For the record, I DO agree with you on one point - some people are not fit to raise children. I truly believe you are one of them.

One other "catch" - the child has an eating disorder BUT he isn't allowed to eat "your" food.?

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Guess I hit a nerve. Oakland, how does having a doctor help you with this problem? Are you on medication to help you cope with your home issues or help with other medical issues which might be having an effect on how you relate to your family? If you are referring to your counselor or psychiatrist as your doctor, why didn't you state that so we don't keep suggesting it? It would make sense for you to share with us what the doctor has suggested so that we know what you have attempted to do to resolve the situation since you have come here asking us for help.

If you are seeing a psychiatrist, that person is supposed to be giving you the tools you need to deal with your home problems. If that is not occurring, as it appears to be from your posts, then you need to switch "doctors."

My responses to you are based entirely upon what you have written here. It is very apparent you have a lot of rage and from your last couple of posts it doesn't appear you want the help you have asked us for. There isn't an easy fix to this. The problem in your household has been going on for years. You need the help of a professional who can teach you how to work with this child to get the results you are looking for.

BTW, I have walked in your shoes because I have stepchildren. It definitely wasn't easy at the beginning. But I worked on my relationship with them. I never called any of my stepchildren evil or made any of the demands upon them that you have made upon yours. I did earn their respect over time.

Without attempting to find the proper help for yourself, you will continue to live in a toxic environment. Good luck with that.

[Jake2008]

This is so messed up, just reading it and sifting through it all is mind blowing.

But, it really all boils down to two things.

1. All the 'parents' involved, don't have any parental instinct, or common sense, vision, love, or self direction, to know that every one is a poor excuse a parent as any I've ever seen or heard of.

2. There is a child here, that is getting no nurtuing, counselling, assessment, and consistency because all the adults in his life would have a hard time putting their needs behind his, long enough for something- anything- to be done to help him.

I personally don't think there is any hope, whatsoever, that this child will get the parenting, structure, assessment and followups he needs in any aspect of his life.

I believe it was Judy who said that eventually the CPS will get wind of this, and hopefully it's sooner rather than later. Perhaps the step mother and the bio mother can have another physical scrap in a more public place and get the ball rolling here.

I would, in an instant, if I had the power to do so, throw the bunch of adults into one big heap, and run them all over with a little common sense, with the help of my trusty Ram. Perhaps some outside bruising could give all of them SOME idea, of the inside bruising this child takes on a regular basis.

I am not a praying person, but, I will say a prayer for this little boy, that somebody, somewhere intervenes, and takes him out of this toxic soup of relationships gone bad, out of the line of venomous verbal fire, and out of range of seeing women physically fighting like idiots, and place him in a place that is serene, safe, and loving.

I pray, none of you will have yet more opportunity to damage this human being.

[JudyKayTee]

I will add that I have five stepchildren. I have never hated any one of them or thought they were evil. Never.

And I have no biological children - !

[DoulaLC]

Regarding the comment about his being mute, I believe it was meant to indicate that he doesn't try to have a conversation or even acknowledge her.

Oakland, is English not your first language? I am wondering if some things are getting misinterpreted because of this.

Is he seeing a doctor for his eating disorder? Was this actually diagnosed?

I think we have given about all the advice we can. It is up to you to read back through the posts, find the things that you are willing to try. Make it a priority to get your husband involved... even in small steps. Perhaps the grandmother can help with your husband (her son) since you have a good relationship with her. Maybe she will be able to get him to see that he needs to participate more and help discipline his son. Talk to her about all of this.

Try the different ways that have been suggested to bring some peace to your family and the different ideas presented to help you learn about being a step-parent.

If nothing changes, and you continue to be miserable, you may have to decide whether you want to stay married and in this situation.

You asked for help and we have tried to give it to you. It is up to you now what you decide to do with it.

I wish you well...

[oakland1980]

JudyKayTee, That's wonderful that you have a great bond with your step children. Hopefully this phase will pass, And he is at the age he's going through puberty so this can have a lot to do with this dilema. This will to pass in due time and I am willing to work and make the best of it.

[oakland1980]

Thank you so Much for you effort, I think the English comment was irrelevant. I said he's an emotional eater, He takes and hide food and wolf it down, Right there is an Indicator. The Husband is involved for the most part because that's his father. I'm not at any form Miserable, I live a happy life but never perfect. If I did I would be lying, so please do not think for a second I'm bitter and miserable. I do not have to stay and I'm not obligated, I can pack up and leave and do not have to worry about child support spousal support I have no ties with this kid file the divorce paper and Boom!! Over and done just like that. I love my husband dearly, But you all must understand He decided to do something backwards, I've never enforce him to bring his son into our home, I told him before he should sit talk about this as a family set rules and guidelines explain why he wants his son to live with us. But when you do not have the proper understanding things can fly into left field. Kids are neither toys nor pawns, and I think that's when parents get the wrong conception of that, not me. I do plan to take this to another level, if my husband do not agree or confide then I will leave, it takes two to make something work. And also to Jake2008 I believe your atheist and that's cool you made it crystal clear you're not a praying person so that the difference between me and you. I am and you're not. Peace and Blessings

[Kitkat22]

Get help. That child is need of love and compassion. He did not ask to be brought into this world.
He is product of a selfish mother and a not too bright Father.

I fear for him. Your husband is oblivious and you loathe the child and the mother is not a mother.

I hope you are bright enough to know this child senses the hostility. My heart breaks for him. As for the adults in this situation, None of you should have children.

This child is living in "Hell" and your husband is either as dumb as a rock or he just don't care. As for you you could insist on help for all of you.

I really hope his grandparents intervene and take this child away from you.

[Jake2008]

Try something really simple first.

Read the rules of the forum.

You don't 'disagree', and give a red mark against someone's reputation, because you don't like their opinion.

That's what you're here for- opinions, advice, comments, suggestions, etc.

Take it or leave it, it's up to you. You ask the question, you get answers. Simple.

[FoxCash]

I said he’s an emotional eater, He takes and hide food and wolf it down, Right there is an Indicator.

Indicator of what? That he's a growing young man? OR that he is depressed and he finds comfort in food like a lot of other people do? Either way it doesn't indicate anything more then he is just a young man with a broken heart.

But you all must understand He decided to do something backwards

He decided to parent his child, that's not backwards that's a step in the right direction.

Kids are neither toys nor pawns,

Nor are they something you can toss away just because the situation isn't easy at the moment.

I do plan to take this to another level, if my husband do not agree or confide then I will leave,

I believe your leaving may be the only way this young man can get the help he needs.

You didn't want him in your home even before all of these problems so I am sure without his issues you'd find another reason to dislike him. He may be young but kids that age are rather smart and quick to pick up on the emotions of others around them.

I'm a praying person myself. I've already said one for the young man, I'll say one for you too.