[butterfly]

Dear Expert,
I am 22 years old girl.I have a lot of problems in my life,that simply made me a very depressed person who doesn't believe in anything even in myself.The reason beyond this depression is my parents.I won't say they are the worse,but all I can say that I was never happy in my life,and I am afriad I will never will.I know my problem might seem simple compared to major probs in our life,specaily now days.I just want you to think for a moment if you never felt happiness in your life,you really don't know what it is.Some how you don't believe in anything even love.All I am asking as a muslim girl,I am so afraid that God will be upset of me,because I really don't like my parents,can't bare living with them,but I am forced to because I have no other place to go.How can I respect them? Sometimes I wish from God they will die,and it's considered a sin.I know.I lived with a terriable father,so I learn from what I believe is right,but living with him all of my life effected me,and I am trying to be like him.That's why sometimes I don't respect my mother,because I saw him irrespecting her.I don't what does it mean to respect before love your parents.Now as a grown up I know it's wrong but I can't feel it,because by all means I don't like them.Sometimes I think the moment I leave this house,I won't ever think of them neither call them or know anything about them.They made my life misrable.What am I suppose to do as a muslim girl? How can I please God.I don't want to lose everything... so please guide me.

[Starman]

It's commendable that you want to respect your parents. God knows that sometimes this isn't easy and understands how you feel and why you feel that way. So please don't believe that God is angered or furious with you for feeling hurt and angry. Anger is a normal reaction to injustices. Under the situation you describe, prayer helps. Ask God to give you the strength to endure.

Isaiah 40:29
He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.

Psalm 66:20
Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!

Also, God will not be angry if you seek help from others in your community such as an agency which protects children from abuse.


NKJV

[orange]

I agree with Starman, it is commendable to want to honour your parents, but if they are abusing or hurting you in any way, it's natural to feel bad about that and want to get away. And it's definitely not against your parents or your faith to seek outside help if you need to.

Do you have a Muslim Women's Association of some kind where you live? We have one here, and its purpose basically is Muslim women helping other Muslim women, with various difficulties they may be having at home. You might inquire and see if such an organization exists near you. Also, depending on where you live, if you and your family are immigrants, you can contact a local Immigrant society. They will talk to you about whatever you like and might even be able to find someone within your community who you can talk to.

Good luck and take care!

[firmbeliever]

Assalaam alaikum
Sister butterfly
I agree with both orange and starman, it is commendable that you are thinking of Allahs swt commands even in difficult times.
My advise before taking any steps is for you to pray the Isthikhara (guidance prayer) and sincerely ask for guidance on how to proceed and keep your question in mind :whether to leave your parents or not"
Then research first, it is a hard world outside and you must not go out into it unprepared.
Look for any muslim sister who may help you finding a place to stay and means to earn a living even if it is temporary.
Search for secure places where it is not difficult for a girl on her own to live.
If there is marriage in near future of your plans then that is even better as this will help you build a family of your own and move away from your parents with no explanations (but do not rush into a bad marriage just to get away).

May Allah grant you patience to bear the hardships and guide you to make the right choices.
Wa salaam

[AbuBakr_Fin]

Salaam.
First of all, I from all people am far from expert, but allow me to expand my answer to correct first myself, and then advice other readers by the permission of Allaah, in Whose Name I write. Islam is the Religion of the natural inclination of man, so there is a problem in your heart that you are not finding peace with submitting completely to Allaah by having honour for your mother and father. Allaah has ordered us to be grateful to Him, and our parents, so we might have to each of us sit down for a moment to think of the countless blessing that Allaah has given to us through them, for verily we will not be able to enumerate His blessing. And you are a believer in sha Allaah, because it disturbs you, and you seek a cure. May Allaah purify our hearts. Remember Him a lot always, because it makes the devil get scared of your presence, and it gives peace to the heart, and it protects the light of eemaan.
Fear Allaah concerning them, and repent to him from these thoughts inspired by Shaitaan -may Allaah curse him. Is it not enough that they have fed you and clothed you and looked after you and feared that any evil should touch you and looked for cures for you when you have been ill and are sheltering you with a home as a reason to be thankful? And if they have taught you of Allaah and His Religion as well? WAllaahi, sister listen my parents were kuffaar and you can`t even imagine they never told me about God (and that`s normal procedure in this christian society) as a kid, rahter than teaching me to pray to Him Alone, and I lived my childhood in complete darkness, fear, ignorance, cruelty. When I found my way to Islam after searching for it half my life, I learned I have to be thankful first of all to my mother so that I can never repay her for the pain of even one contraction while she gave me birth, and to my father so much that me and my belongings belong to him, and I have not repaid him what I owe unless he becomes a slave and I free him. This is what our Messenger -sAaws- has taught, this is what a sound heart submits to, and this is our Religion. Forget taking advice from christians, because their own people are in more need of advice, and they have strayed far from the guidance from their Lord. It is not except because of them that muslims are living in this humiliation of not respecting even their parents, because in everything we follow the ways of such people not fearing their Lord or obeying Him in anything, to whom words like "mother****er" are a part of their language.
I come from this culture, and I still have to live in it due to obligation to take care of my mother, and due to not having sufficient means to take myself and my family to an Islamic society yet, so it`s the cold reality that surrounds us everywhere. Even small children in the streets call their mothers names, like "Satan" just because she is not obeying the child! SubHaan Allaah. I was one of them, so don`t you go there.. And the question is, who has more right upon who? Do they not deserve honour?
And even if parts of their books have still truth not mixed with falsehood, there is nothing in them, which is not found in the Last Revelation of God. And if a person doesn`t know God is One, and not three in one or one in three and they have no daily prayers or any prescribed worship they follow, it`s obvious they`re confused. And The Quran has a lot that is not with them, so in stead of looking from the distorted books inside one of the many versions of The Bible, you can look at The Words of your Lord, such as... Suurah Al-Israa: 23-28. Please read it. Let`s remember to pray like that for them, and Allaah will fill our hearts with the right attitude towards them, I`m confident of that (i.e. "Rabbi rHamHumaa kamaa rabbajaanii soqhiiraa" = "O, Lord have mercy upon them both, as they took care of me when I was small!")

Excuse me, please when I sound bitter, and hate christianity. I have the right to dissociate from their ways, and no muslim should think their innovated nonsense is a good religion. And I don`t mean the teachings of Jesus Christ -`***- of course not, because we obey him and they don`t. I come from this christian culture, and christian country in Finland. I learned hate all right, and I`ve even hit my mother, called her names, disobeyed my father, stole from them, and wasted my life in evil when they were crying and hoping that I`d find the right way, but these were evil actions that cannot be justified by philosophy of desires. I could give a list of reasons for hating my parents, and couldn`t everyone these days? The SaHaabah -may Allaah be pleased with them- they couldn`t, even when their parents were worst, and commanded them to disbelief. And couldn`t your parents give a list of reasons for hating you? But the question is, who has more right upon who? Do they not deserve honour? In the time of The Messenger of Allaah -sAaws- when he told SaHaabah -rA`s- that none of them should ever defame their parents, they were SHOCKED, and exclaimed: "How could anyone do something like that." The Messenger of Allaah -sAaws- replied: "By saying something bad about another persons parent, and thus that person would insult their parent in revenge."! Praise be to Allaah, The Most Holy, Who saved these pure souls, and best among men after the Prophets -`***- from ever understanding what is happening today (and even among muslims -may Allaah protect!).
Forgive me for harsh words, and they were not intended against any individuals, but only against the evil of disrespecting God, and the parents. May Allaah forgive us. There is no god but Him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhYCpyAIzZ4&feature=related

[AbuBakr_Fin]

Correcting myself: First thankfulness to Allaah of course.. I meant concerning parents to mother first and most. And about depression, sister I have it too sometimes, but Islam guides to social wellbeing. Things that enlighten love are simple things.

[AbuBakr_Fin]

It is not a sickness of the heart, or a mental illness to be sad. The Messenger of Allaah -sAaws- used to cry much, and he rarely used to laugh, but he was not without showing love and mercy. So they are two separate things. This world is cursed, and everything in it, except the remembrance of Allaah, The Mighty and Majestic, and what is in accordance with it, and the teacher of knowledge and the student (According to Hadiith). So whenever we are not on those things, we are in the accursed side, and the Devil is hoping we forget. And the Fire is already burning and boiling, and it is the anger of Allaah that makes her so mad. And the world has gathered it`s forces to spread evil and attack The Religion of God, whenever in the world it is established in reality. There`s a Hadiith that once Rasuul -sAaws- came to Umar -rA`s- and smiled (because it`s polite and Islamic etiquette), so he said to Nabii -sAaws- "Why should you smile?" (Because they both were actually always fearing Allaah so much that Umar was said to have had dark lines on his cheeks like trails that water makes when it runs through a river, because he cried so much so often). So that caused Rasuulullaah -sAaws- to tell (not smiling anymore) that he is remembering The Day when two brothers will make sujuud to their Lord and one will ask Allaah to give him his right from his brother. When Allaah will request him that he has no more any good deeds on his account, he will say: "Give my bad deeds to him". So we have so much reason to be sad. But The Quran guides us to turn in our sadness to our Rabb -blessed and exalted be He. We shouldn`t loose hope.
From psychological perspective I am advicing you to know that there are two things which you should avoid: being stuck in the past, and being stuck in the future. The past is going to face you after death, so just learn from it and seek forgiveness. The future is in the knowledge and power of Allaah, so leave it to Him. You can only correct your heart and action in this moment by the permission of Allaah, so be sincere to Him, and one Day you will meet Him. Thereafter you will not have to be sad anymore, in sha Allaah, nor afraid or worried. May Allaah put love and kindness in your father chest for your mother, and may He help them understand each other, and may He guide her to obey her husband if they still are married, as it is a part of a woman's duty in obeying Allaah. And may Allaah unite all your hearts in love and forgiveness, and guide you all to be thankful slaves to Him. And may He by His Mercy help all ummah of MuHammad -sAaws- in the like of that. Aamiin.
I`m sorry now I have to go. If your depression reaches a level that you think about suicide or harming yourself, you would need go to a psychiatrist. Also if you feel that you have been declining into a state too sad to even be able to cry anymore, feeling that life has nothing to offer, suffering from isolation, thinking you are ugly, and that people are against you.. If you have many signs like that, then your depression is severe and it may help you if you seek admittance to a spychiatric ward for treatment for some time if such is available, but always ask Allaah first.
May Allah bless you where-ever you go.
Salaam.

[AbuBakr_Fin]

And ask your father to try to find a good husband for you. Then put your trust to Allah. He is handling everything. Don`t go into that girlfriend-boyfriend try this and try that kuffaar ways, they are Haraam. Your father is your WALI. Stick to Sunnah

[AbuBakr_Fin]

Here`s something that can help you understand why it`s not always beautiful and peaceful among parents even if they love each other deep down:
The Prophet said: "Iblîs (Satan) sets up his throne on water, then he sends out his armies of devils (to incite humans to do evil). The closest to him of these troops are the ones who cause the most tribulation. One of them comes and says, 'I have done such and such.' Iblîs says, 'You have not done enough.' Then another one comes and says, 'I never left him alone until I created trouble and caused division between him and his wife.' Then Iblîs comes close to this devil and says, 'How excellent you are!' " (Sahîh Muslim)