[mogrann]

I have no clue why but every so often I have to fight with myself to take my meds that I am on for my severe depression. I know I need them but I feel I don't and there always seems to come a point when the feelings win over the knowing. When that happens I try to stock pile the meds I don't take "in case I need to OD" is my thinking. BTW I don't have access to my meds my husband gives me what I need for the day daily.

Does anyone else go through this and what do you do to help yourself stay on the meds? Is this stockpiling normal?

Please don't say talk to hubby, I love him dearly but his solution is just take them and I will have to watch you more carefully from now on. Then I tend to feel like a prisoner. It hurts him so much when I get like this.

Right now I am at the stage of knowing I need the meds but feeling like I don't.

Susan.

[tickle]

You had better explain these feelings to your doctor, mogrann. You could possibly need a change in something you are taking.

Tick

[KBC]

I have a 'sticky' thread about this exact thing.

I'll post it for you when I am done with this comment.

I am bi-polar,been on(and off) meds for more than 14 years now.The 'chaos factor'(my label for it) is something I know many depressed people go through.It's a need to go back to the familiar.

We know well the feelings of depression,it was a stable(if not dangerous) time of our lives.A solid point which we know intimately,and personally.

The desire to return to that chaos for me was when things were going along as planned, life had no disorder to offer and I was up for a challenge(I would test my need to stay on medications),I would also want to see if I "Really need these meds any more".

In my experience,I always fell back into the funk,sometimes sooner,sometimes later,but inevitably I returned to depression.

In time I have done some crazy things to get help(cries for help,IE:Overdosing,etc)In the end I have learned a few things.

1 is watch for the red flags.Stockpiling for a future 'possibility' was simply setting myself up for something I didn't ultimately want to do,but would do anyway.(Selfishly overlooking those in my life who care about me,even if I don't care about myself)

Another was not communicating.When I would withhold vital information from either the professionals or those close to me,I was again setting the table for the selfishness and 'acting out' with my depression.

I still have days,weeks even,of time where I am not 100% stable, for me it's going to be a lifetime of either,acceptance of taking medications, or a lifetime of inventing chaos and fighting the things that work.. I have (in the last year plus)chosen the acceptance route.

I have the possibility of 'stockpiling' a medication yet again, but I have chosen NOT to fill the prescription,I have enough here,I can get it as needed from the pharmacy.. so why do I need more of it here?I don't.I really don't want to return to the dark side for another recovery from another overdose.

I hope you can see that you are not alone in this way of thinking, I know MANY people just like this, in depression,bipolar, schizophrenic,ADHD,, the list goes on and on.

Acceptance really is the key.

Added:https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/medica...ll-149694.html

[mogrann]

Thank you for your responses. I have tried to explain this to my doctor, but all he says is Susan you need to stay on your medication. He does not offer advice of ask more questions. He is a good doctor in other ways but sometimes I wish I had a psych doc to talk to as I feel he would know more about this.
I am going to bookmark that thread to read when I need it thank you so much

[KBC]

You can start your own thread if you like,I can make it a sticky(I think) and you can use it like I did,as a sounding board for friends and professionals to kind-of chat with you about things.. it did me wonders!

[Jake2008]

If you are hoarding prescription medications in case you need to kill yourself, and your husband has to be responsible for you to take your medications, I suspect that there is a very long story leading up to these restrictions.

Perhaps past suicide attempts, I don't know.

What matters is you, and only you. Whether others can identify (no offense KBC), does not factor in your personal history, present circumstances, or Doctors orders, with which you are complying with (I hope).

No two cases are alike, no person that has depression has the same or similar circumstances even, than another person. Please consider the seriousness of what you have said, and how dangerous it is, if you are considering going against medical advice for your diagnosed depression.

That you have hoarded medications in the past, and are contemplating the same, is something that needs to be addressed with the Doctor prescribing the medications. I doubt you've filled him in on how you plan ahead by hoarding medications, just in case, as you said, you need to OD.

At least speak to your husband about how you are feeling, and see if he cannot assist you in speaking with the Doctor about getting counselling, or inpatient therapy. Particularly if you are, or have been, or plan on, messing with the doseage of your medication, which in itself, is a dangerous thing to do.

Again, no two people have the same identical symptoms, and it is dangerous to 'compare notes' or take the advice of a non-professional in determining how or why you think the way you do, or whether it is understandable how you manage your medications.

I encourage you to seek further medical assistance, stick with what your Doctor has told you, take the medications as directed, and given to you by your husband, and try to think that all of this will someday, hopefully have you NOT thinking about hoarding powerful medications in case you decide to end your life.

You are playing with fire. Please get help.

[Jake2008]

To KBC,

While I understand that you too have experienced depression, and the thinking errors that go along with that, you were in control of your medications. Our OP is not. Her husband gives her her medications, because she cannot be trusted to take them as prescribed.

Even with that precaution, she is not yet out of the woods, and precariously balancing her thinking with possible actions. One question was, 'is stockpiling normal', and of course, it is symptomatic of her illness.

I do feel sorry that she is lonely and feels like a prisoner in her own home. I hope she gets the help she needs, and the support she needs, from those that know her, and her history.

[mogrann]

I am sorry to start a thread that has people upset. That was not my intention at all. I do not have control of my meds as I have attempted Suicide in the past, but have learned to start using the resources available: Crisis line, doctor, emergency room, etc when I am considering committing Suicide.
What I was hoping for was that I was not that messed up that I was the only ones to partake in that sort of behavior. Now I am feeling that I have upset people and have people upset with others, for that I am truly sorry!
As for my husband, I feel that others have gotten the wrong impression of him. He does love me immensely and worries about me. I also self injury at times and have learned to try and hide from him when I want to injure myself(nothing to do with Suicide). It hurts him, and that makes me feel worse that I have hurt him so I don't like to worry him. The prisoner feeling was not that I was forced to stay in the house but rather I would be watched closely for awhile kind of like they do in hospital. He does support me but it is with me why I don't always confide in him in reference to my depression. I am hoping this is coming across the way I am intending it too.
I did like the idea of getting hubby to come into doctors office with me to help explain what is going on. I never thought of that and I am sure he would do it. I have recently been fired from my job and until I get approved for benefits I can not afford counseling. We are behind on bills and I do not want to make things tougher for my husband.

Susan

[KBC]

I am sorry to start a thread that has people upset. That was not my intention at all.

Susan

:confused:

I don't see any people upset here,, can you please explain this comment for me?

Certainly I am not upset,and Jake and I have considerable understanding of our perspectives, we respect what each is trying to say.

I hope you aren't perceiving our chatting as negative in any way, this is what we do here to keep different concepts alive and things flowing.

Hear back from you soon??

KBC

[mogrann]

I did take your two comments as being upset. I am glad to hear I was wrong. Thank you for clarifying

[Jake2008]

Nobody is upset, you have nothing to feel responsible for.

When you post on a site like this, you will get different opinions and perspectives on everything, literally- from plumbing to computers and everything between.

Those of us do and say what we think is right for you, and only you. I know myself that I have to be very careful what and how I say things to anyone posting with a serious issue. All of us 'regulars' come to a question, and answer in the best way we can to help.

I suspected that there was more going on with you, and there is. After your last post, I'm happy that you can go, with your husband, and seek further assistance via your Doctor. He should be aware of resources that won't break the bank, and offer you good solid advice on how to proceed.

I'm sorry that you have also to face a job loss. That in and of itself is a huge adjustment to make. It takes a long time to get back in that saddle, let alone with so much else going on in your life.

It frustrates me that mental health resources are dependand on a fee for service. You are a good example of who needs the resources the most, yet, because of money, you can't get them.

Please keep your focus as much as you can, and start with your Doctor. If you tell him everything you have said here, I would lose even more faith if he were to say he can offer you nothing. I expect he can, and I hope that you post with what directions he has given you.

The only other thing I can think of, is to start keeping a diary, day to day. When you have these thoughts, with the accompanying emotions and fears, write them out. It is an immediate way to help deal with them. Share them with your husband (who sounds like a great man by the way), and talk about them. Keep this diary going, even when you are having good days. It will help you put the thoughts somewhere, and not tuck them away where they are not dealt with.

KBC said that one of the ways he deals with things is essentially to see the reality of the thought, vs. the outcome, should he decide to act upon them. Each time action works, even if it is a thought that corrects the 'idea', (ie hoarding pills for future use), these types of thoughts, on paper, will help you see through, and think, the thoughts through. It also helps take away the immediacy of the thought directly to action, and allows for some breathing room between.

I hope you will keep posting as you progress Susan.