[eightzeros]

It is going to be a long post but I have to write in depth to be fair to the situation. I met my boy friend in late Oct 2009. When I first met him I found him as my dream come true. He asked me out on date on his birthday and we found so much compatibility in each others company that it was simply amazing. We fell in love and we were happy. He told me that he would like to marry me. I was 28 and he turned 40.

I had several heartaching relationships in my past. I have to tell a little about myself. I come from a Muslim family but during my studies abroad I went for a non Muslim guy and he raped me. Being ashamed of what happened and scared I never told this to anyone. I was sexually assaulted when I was 9 years old and this rape left me wounded.

Later on I dated a guy with whom I dated for 4 years. We got engaged but he was never accepted by my father, the guy slowly got lazy in studying and gradually dropped the idea of marrying me. Things got worse when I got pregnant. He didn't have a plan to be father or to study or to work, he was young and was afraid to be responsible at the time. We had an abortion, and this time I got too sad to remain sexually active. He got upset and forced to have sex, we had and I got pregnant for the second time. Again he was not ready, I was myself unsure and we opted for abortion. After this, I felt as if something broke in my soul, I became a person with guilt and fear. I got afraid of sex and had this trauma that even with contraceptions taken, I hated my body after having sex, I would wash myself for hours and would still feel dirty. The guy became abusive and several times he hit me, later he apologized but then one time when he went to his country (I forgot to mention that we were both on foreign shores, studying in Universities) and never responded well. Later on he told me that he had sex with someone and got her pregnant and would marry her. At that time I graduated and got a job. It was devastating but since I never got his positive replies I let go all. Later on I dated a few guys, it only lasted for 2-3 weeks and honestly it never worked. I never found someone who would be interested in more than sex, so I remained honest and went solo.

I kept doing my job when in Jan 2008 I got to meet a French Morocan (a Muslim) guy on Facebook who used to be senior in post graduate where my friends were studying. He came to visit in Jan 2008 and with other friends I also happened to meet him. His stay was as short as 10 days and in those 10 days he asked me to marry him and asked me to get him introduced to my family. I liked him as a person but it was all too soon for me. He was very expressive and romantic, he used to send flowers, medicines, love letters, calls all the way from France. He just joined teaching in University there and had only 12 hours of teaching per week. I have been banker in Japan and it was a tough schedule for me. I only had 4 hours of sleep per day because I was preparing for exams, which were compulsory to continue my work. I couldn't send enough flowers, gifts, love letters, emails, couldn't chat for long hours (Japan and France have good time difference) and in result, the French guy became sour. He would get nervous and would fought blaming me of playing games. I described the situation and my work demands, he never worked in same situation and he never could accept the fact. During my crucial exams he decided to visit me and I asked him not to because I was busy preparing for the exam while giving 100% at work. He said he is coming to uplift my morals but he got very angry when I remained stuck with my books. He expected us to have sex but I was too stressed to even think of sex. He went disappointed and later complained a lot. I was having a lot of stress at work, my boss ( a lady) was torturing me on daily basis. One day I had enough and I told this French guy that I couldn't commit to long distance relationship, he was very upset. All this happened in between Jan2008-April 2008, it was all very short.


Afterwards I remained single and due to my tough work routine I never had enough energy to get dressed and meet new people. Living each day through piles of files was taking all my attention. Then I met this American guy in Oct 2009. He was amazing. He was the guy who understood me very well. I was extremely happy. When he proposed me, it was unbelievable. We were going all well till May 2010. In Jan 2010 I was given promotion and extra charge, which increased work load. I was working with foreign desk which due to time difference made me work till 11 oclock each night. I did all that from Jan to May but in May I collapsed. I started to faint on my way to work. I went for check up but nothing was diagnosed. In April 2010 I felt myself uncomy with sunlight, with people, with sounds/noises, with food, my motivation level decreased, it became all hard to even get dressed for work. Then in May 2010 I was having a lot of aggression, after work I used to get frustrated and would empty myself on my boy friend. He remained calm and supportive but I got worse. I also visited my parents in my home country in Jan 2010 and they asked me to marry some one at home, I never got to tell them about my boy friend because my father was not having good time health wise and my mother feared that my talking to him would give him a heart attack.

In May 2010 my body got weird, I wasn't able to breath from time to time, I had loose stomach all the time, had fever for a couple of times, and on top I was crying day and night for petty reasons. My boy friend insisted that we go and see a therapist or a psychiatrist, we did both and they said I have depression due to over work. My psychiatrist told my company to let me go on sick leave for at least 3 months and I had sick leave. I never rested like that before and I got insecure being 1)depressed and 2)on sick leave. I would see people going to work and enjoying their weekends, I got more insecure. Then I became dependent on my boy friend, asking him to reassure me that he loves me. He then told me that he had enough and I am ruining the relationship, I then decided to come to my parents for rest and to give him some space. He did not want me to go back but I left for my country. At home people did not know the whole story so as soon as I landed, my parents flooded my with suitors for arrange marriage. My father would ask me again and again to marry and then I told my boy friend that I am going to tell my father about him so that he would know that I have someone special in my life. My boy friend agreed. I told my father. To my surprise he agreed. I was totally surprised but extremely happy. Since my boy friend is not Muslim, my father added a condition that he converts. My boy friend never had trouble converting so he said that in future he will. Later on, my father expected that my boy friend would set a date for marriage but my boy friend told me that I went home to get well and not to plan a wedding. I was stupid and I took my father's side and accused my boy friend of not being supportive or loving. We fought badly many times over emails and phone calls. My boy friend did become less romantic during my absence. He himself has a tough work situation so I don't want to blame him for that. My depression got worse and worse. Now, in August my father has told me to dump my boy friend and to agree to marry the guy he chooses for me. He thinks that I should stay in my country and pursue a home. My boy friend on the other hand has gone so bitter, he tells me that I have been unstable and I lack confidence in our relationship. He said that let the marriage follow itself and not to be desperate about it. I am now doing much better but my boy friend can't believe me because what he remembers is that a month ago I was a drama queen.
Since I am home (in my country) I have become more aware of my religion. My thoughts on sex have gone strict and I talk like this, "I shouldnt have sex before marriage, it is a terrible sin"... actually it is considered as sin. I fear that my boy friend will never marry me and I will be left with wounded heart like previous times. Then I fear that he might just want sex in me and would dump me later, saying I was never fit. Therefore I have told him that I don't want to have sex anymore. My boy friend says that sex is the last thing he wants to argue with his partner. Before he used to even say that I would be a good mother and now he is saying that he can't plan for children at the moment. We are still together, my family thinks that I have dumped him on their say. My family might be right when they say that my boy friend is not serious in marrying me, and I might be right saying that I am afraid of bitter heartache, but my boy friend is also right when he says that he can't think of marriage with a depressed, paranoid and unstable person. Do you think I should continue this relationship or not? Have I caused too much damage to assure my boy friend that I am getting better and will be stable? I have recently thought of omitting sex out of our relationship because 1)due to my religion... 2)to see if my boy friend really loves me or just remains with me for sex. This would not be tolerated by my boy friend. I got number 2) as a fear because recently my boy friend has told me that sex is good but I am not easy going and not stable. I fear that he would dump me for those reasons after he had enough of sex.

Right now the situation is that I barely mail him, unless there is a necessity. My boy friend also never writes me unless there is a necessity. My parents are looking to set me for arrange marriage. I am doing better depression wise but my insecurity that I might loose my boy friend is not over yet. I wished that he would have remained supportive after I flew to my country. I have complains that he was harsh on me. What should I do? I don't know doing what will improve trust level in my boy friend and in my parents. All the while my boy friend has never asked for a break up, for his own good future should I let him go so that he could find a better and stable woman? He is 40 and I don't want to sabotage his future.

[Ithappenstoall]

Where are you from ?

[eightzeros]

I am from Pakistan.


I would like to add that I love my boy friend very much.

[talaniman]

Whether you know it or not, you cannot be all things to all people. Your stress level is much to high and while you may be recovering at home with your family, that in itself is causing you stress and conflict as they may think they know what's best for you, but the reality is only you can know what you want.

I think you work too much with NO enjoyment, and I know well the burden that puts on health, and well being. That is what has to change, and your boyfriend is right, and you should be together supporting each other and enjoying the time you have now, as there is plenty of time to discuss future events. Yes it's a risk, but there are no guarantees to future happiness. Only two people who are willing to work together to overcome obstacles and build a life together. You will never get rid of risk, or the fear of failure. But if your not willing to honestly express yourself, and overcome that fear you get nothing positive in return.

You have been through a lot, and marriage is a lifetime, life changing event. Not to be entered into at any one pace or priority (I am American), and there is no hurry for that, only people for whatever reason (culture, tradition, obligation) who are in a hurry.

I think you need to work and go slowly and build a life of your own that YOU enjoy, beyond the expectations of others, so you can have a balance of good health, stability within yourself, and some fun without pressure, or guilt.

Your boyfriend is in no hurry either, and I think you both can explore, and see what fun it is as you develop naturally, the ability to communicate your hopes, and fears, and understand each other to determine if marriage is truly in your future.

But that's a long way off, and right now your issue is to get back to work, and learn to make time for yourself, and the things that you enjoy, besides work. Or you will work yourself to death, and that's no fun, or something to look forward to.

Building a life that you enjoy, with friends, and activities besides work is your key to balance, and happiness, and whether its with this fellow or not, someone will want to share that happiness with you. That's the path to take in my opinion, so you can explore the options and opportunities of a balanced, healthy, stable happy life. Not the easiest path to take, but I think the most rewarding for you.

[eightzeros]

Talaniman, thank you for responding to my post. I am very happy that you have given your insight. I also think that I went through a lot in my life because perhaps God/Nature wanted me to be close to what people go through. I remember when in University I had to debate on abortion, I actually went through it and it helped me a lot to understand what a person goes through.
I think life is not all about good things, it is about good, not so good, bad, worse, almost everything. Although we would love to fill our hands with beautiful flowers but that does not mean that thorns are unnecessary.
I am happy what I have experienced at least I would be able to understand more people now and the circumstances they go through.
Perhaps I have always focused on what I don't have. I should be happy with what I have now. I have a boy friend for whom I have good feelings, I have my family & friends who are nice people, I have my pets who are playful, I have faith, health and above all I have myself. I am going to take care of myself so that when I turn old I would have a gentle heart to be able to listen to anyone and to be kind to all. Thank you again. Your post and a lot more thinking on my part has made me realize that I am happy. Sometimes it takes us to share with some to understand where we stand in life.

[talaniman]

Life is a cinch if you take it by the inch, but its hard if you try it by the yard (or meter, LOL! ). Sometimes you can't solve problems overnight, but with patients and the right attitude, you can at least work on it little by little, baby steps actually, and get through it and put it behind you as life is always moving forward, no matter if you're ready or not.

It's a never ending journey of adjustments, because life always throws stuff at us, and how we cope with it is what counts. But in the end, we are responsible for our own happiness, NOT others, or life. Just us, so make some good choices for yourself.

All work, and no play make Jill a very dull person(unhappy, unfulfilled). That's what your body is telling you. Now get back to work, and go home at a decent hour, and have something good planned to look forward too!

[Jake2008]

You and your boyfriend have been through a lot in less than two years. You in particular, sound to me that you need time on your own, to figure out what you want out of this life.

Your frequent mention of sex; affecting your beliefs (now), worrying about how your boyfriend will react, whether your future will be a happy one with him sexually, etc. Even taking sex out of the relationship to see if he will stick around- everything revolves around sex.

What it really is, in my opinion, is that you are trying to find measures to reassure yourself, that he is the one for you. The reality may be, that he is not. In two years, while he has been supportive of your mental health needs, you continue to have doubts, and the two of you have grown apart under the pressure in my opinion. Adding the influence of your parents, even knowing how depressed you were when you arrived, immediately lined up possible husbands. It seems that everything combined is too much a weight to bear, let alone sort through and make a life decision.

That you have a past which includes multiple rapes, may also be contributing to this, but I do not know if you received counselling for this extreme violation, or not. Did you confide in anyone?

I think that there may be reason for you to seek out counselling again. Speak to someone who can help you sort through the confusing thoughts, and to also help you learn how to better cope with has put you in this place. Depression is only one part of the coin. How to understand, cope, and change your life takes time and patience. Making changes is even harder. It is my opinion that you would benefit from counselling. And in the meanwhile, don't make any major decisions.

While I agree that life is tough, and we have to make adjustments and survive, your history of sexual assault, sleeping 4 hours a night, being pressured to marry, etc. have all contributed to where you are now. It just won't suddenly disappear, and if it does, my opinion is, without therapy, the pattern could repeat itself. I believe by what you have written, that your mental health problems will not be solved just because you want them to. We aren't talking about a pimple here that will disappear on its own. You have stated some serious issues.

It's good to hear that you are feeling better, and I sincerely hope you continue to. But, don't kid yourself that there isn't help in professional counselling, to get you through this time, and out the other end, stronger, more self assured, and ready to make strong decisions, under your own steam.

[eightzeros]

Thank you all for helping me here. I have an update in my situation and would be grateful if any advice is given.

I am going through counselling and I have been feeling well since I have posted this post, which enabled me to fly back to Japan where I used to work. My boy friend and I decided not to talk of marriage and other serious issues and I got all my courage back to see things positively.

He didn't mail me like he used to, he didn't say that he loves me or misses me. I mentioned it to him but he was not happy to hear that so I stopped asking him. In hope to reach him and to start my life again, I motivated myself from nil too much better percentage.

I landed in Japan a day before yesterday and got a new phone to contact my boy friend. He stopped mailing me for a week and never asked when I was returning back so I didn't go to his place to surprise him. I went to my sister s place. I called him, he was happy and then he didn't mailed me for the entire day. I asked him if he is all right and he never replied and this morning he wrote that he misses me. Then an hour later he wrote that he wants to breakup with me because he decided a month ago that if I would not return to his place first thing after landing at the airport, he would know that I don't love him... I thought he won't like the surprise of me going to his house without telling him, therefore I went to my sister s.

He said that we have already broken and were in denial but now he has realized that he doesn't have tolerance for a relationship. He said that he wants to be friends only, he would send my things later. I called, he never picked up saying his hearing went bad. He kept mailing me, to let him go and to forget him. This continued for 2 hours and then he suddenly wrote, that he wants to see me, to hug me and to have me alone. I asked him that he just broke up with me... to which he replied no we are back again and don't worry about us.

I love him so much and I don't know how to make him sure that I want to make life with him. I am so heartbroken after all what he said. He could have said all this while I was with my family getting better. Knowing a breakup here on foreign land is too much for me to go back to my work and to continue living.

I have been brave all the while, given suggestions to a few on this site, but honestly it is very hard to think straight in my own situation. I would be very thankful if you could help me out. I am planning to resign my job in two weeks time and go back to my country because this time being alone is unbearable and I am feeling very very low to the point that I can't find courage to stand up. I don't know what step to take next to save myself and my relation with my boy friend... please help...

[J_9]

To be brutally honest, this sounds very much like a toxic relationship. You are on the verge of getting better physically and emotionally and out of nowhere he dumps you, then a few hours later says you are back together.

All this is going to do is ruin the progress you have made so far.

In my opinion, it's probably best that the two of you break up. You need to get your life back on track in Japan and make sure you are happy with who you are. The last thing you need right now is this sort of drama.

[talaniman]

You do yourself a great disservice I think by worrying so much about what he wants and what he will do. Step back and stay away from those kinds of attachments and dependence until you have reached a point of self love and dependence on yourself.

His drama and the way he treats you is what drives your indecision, and emotional turmoil and is not healthy for yourself esteem nor your out look on your own life.

That's what you need more than anything is a life that you enjoy that's balanced and healthy and allows you to be happy and look forward to better things.

You want a healthy happy adult relationship, then you yourself must be a healthy happy adult, so leave him alone with his demands and wants, and tend to your own life that is balanced with your career, and a fun fulfilling social life, with friends who care and enjoy your company as you enjoy there's.

This fellow was nothing but a distraction from a bad time in your life and you deserve a lot more than that as you learn to love and appreciate yourself, and make your own wants and needs the main priority in your life. NOT someone else. No matter where you decide to be in the world.

[eightzeros]

I am sorry that it took me a while to return here to reply. I am very thankful to all of you for taking time and replying me back. I have never seen this much kindness but I am now sure that it does exist. Thank you so much.

You are both right and it has been a big set back for me and for my boyfriend because two of us have made each other suffer for a very long time. I have transformed into a parasite and he has become stern and different. We have did this to ourselves. For my part I need to appreciate life and what it brings and to make the best out of any situation that I am in. For him I am sure he knows what best to do.

My boyfriend knew that after his breakup mails, I got unwell and he came to see me. It is 2 hours ride by bullet train. I appreciated his act. He was sorry and I know we both are for what have become-an ugly situation.

I am going to give myself a month to see how things would go at work, to decide whether I resign and return to my country or not. I have no clue for us and perhaps this is the way life is-sometimes clueless. Talaniman, I am very thankful to you for advicing me words of wisdom. I am going to update in a month to share how I went on. Please pray that I return to a happy life. I am going to make effort.